Primordial Chaos

My brother and I were talking, and he said he hates reading, he likes movies cause he's a hardcore movie fan and he watches at least one movie a day. He then told me I should pull my face out of books more often and watch more movies.

I seriously broke out into loud laughter. Where have I heard that before... ;)

I can't help but smile at things like this. Little echoes of a familar voice bitching at me for familar things permeate my world. I might have to start believing Warren's on to something. Like I need to encourage his ego though. We hate admitting the other is right :P

But I'm going to have to cede this one to him. He's right on this one and has been. I can't shrug off both him and my bro saying the same damn thing. Both know me pretty well and don't steer me wrong, plus both look out for me. The least I can do is take their advice, they wouldn't recommend something that would make me miserable/unhappy.

Damn you two! It's hard to be right when outnumbered :P

~A.

In this pic, and the other two I posted, pay close to attention to what will make you a badass ninja like myself.

So I'm slowly putting together my application packet for my safety school, their deadline is like May/June. Obviously I'm not as enthused about this application as the other. Which kinda makes no damn sense. Even though they are a "meet our minimum requirements and you're in" school, academically they have a program basically exactly in line with what I'd like to study and have a program similar to how UNM's is set up. The only thing I like about UNM's set up is that instead of taking a bunch of lab science classes (like chem, ugh) to get a BS, if you minor in computer science or even cognitive science (which they have) those count as far as getting a BS. Plus I'm studying more along my area of interest. At the other school I'd have to do a minor in Cog Sci AND take a bunch of damn general bio/chem lab classes to do the same thing. The biology/chemistry of psychology does not interest me, the cognitive/computational side does. So does NOT being a BA Psych major :P (seriously, I want to slap most of them)

Because I'm rather superstitious, very few know my number one choice. If you do, consider yourself ridiculously lucky. I'm not telling anyone else until I get a decision, and even then I may not until it's 100% for sure one way or another. I really dislike being asked about or talking about something before it's a sure thing. Also, I received A LOT of criticism for my choices in schools, even when said choices were justified and explained, when I released my first list of schools. Not criticisms about my personal situation and going there like my dad voices, but "oh, why would you go THERE, that's not a well known school" and shit like that. This pissed me off. So, I kept these close to my heart. I think even fewer know of my safety school, but only because I had people edit my first choice's essays so more know.

I specifically told my dad FOR criticism. If there's anyone who can make a strong argument against something I want to do, it's him :P However, that's EXACTLY what I wanted. If I couldn't justify my choice through his concerns, then it really shouldn't be in consideration. My original list got obliterated because I couldn't justify some of my dad's major concerns regarding me specifically. These two pass, so they stay :P

Even though academically choice B is more what I want than choice A, choice A wins out due to proximity of something choice B can't offer. Experience means just as much as academics, and I can't ignore the opportunity for experience at choice A. Choice B has none, but is perfect academically. Choice A has the experience, and I can fudge the academics and wouldn't need to do so extensively.

I went online to this website that compares my stats to other current applicants and previous admitted applicants. But it also compares me and what I'm looking for to the college itself and whether or not it's a good fit. So I compared my two choices and UNM. To everyone's surprise (not) UNM was the poorest fit, and we're talking like a 17% but the thing also said you are the kind of student this college wants. I fucking laughed. I'm also in the top 2% academically of students UNM has admitted for Spring 09 and Fall 09. I fucking laughed again. Choice B wasn't really much better at 33%, but it also took a major strike for being in a large city and not a suburban area. That's REALLY important to me. I hate large cities, and after attending UNM which sits right smack in the middle of a large city, I'd prefer to not attend a big city school. Choice A was the best at a 75% fit, but gee that kinda makes fucking sense. Of course, I'm 100% chance to get in for the other two (considering I already am at UNM...) but about 60% for Choice A. I'm right middle of the pack academically of students who applied previously.

What will set me out is those essays that I gave myself gray hair over. That's WHY I obsessed over them. I know I can write pretty well, and I'm an interesting person. So I think my essays bump up my chances a bit (75% maybe), but that's still not guaranteed. However, I'm feeling cocky enough that I dare them to find better essays out of all their applicants. Having read some of the previous essays of people who got accepted...I think I'm good, REALLY GOOD, on the essays. The only editing people did was mostly mechanics and shit, the words are mine. I'm kinda terrible at punctuation and have a habit of fucking making massive sentences because I abuse commas. What gets me (and really ticks me off) is some of these kids are having their essays written by professionals/retired college English professors. They're online BRAGGING about they're sure to get in because their essay was professionally written. I'd stack my essays against those too. Am I being a bit egotistical? Yeah. But I know my style is very distinct, descriptive, unusual and yet easy to read. No college is gonna teach you that. Professionally written essays have a very mechanical feel about them. Very structured and rigid. Mine is inherently conversational because it's my preferred means of communication. This is why I am terrible about answering my phone but answer text messages immediately.

I want to send the apps off so I can forget about them. I realized the longer I keep them with me, the more I'm going to obsess. So, fuck it, put it together, send it out and then get lost in my classes this semester and forget. I WILL forget. I forget a lot of things like that, when stuff is due, when I can expect a reply, when whatever will be ready...I have major trouble with those. And this semester is so much fun and interesting for a million reasons they won't be on my mind for long.

Expect me to be on here flipping the fuck out starting about a week before decisions. That'll be about the time I get the email telling me decisions are being released soon, and the time frame is about a week. I haven't decided if I will check online the day they come out, or wait a couple more days for the letter. And then make someone else open the damn thing :P

Now, depending on how things go, I MIGHT even stay here at UNM. Trust me that's a last resort. UNM is an academic hellhole, sure. But after all the stuff I've done here, AMSA, research, making friends, honors out my ass, just going to class, befriending many professors, going to basketball games...

I feel like I'm not just a student, but a Lobo. And that some part of me will always be a Lobo. Admitting that feels dirty, but it's true. And I will definitely be a Lobos basketball fan. I don't think another team in the country has a basketball environment like the Pit. I'd probably have to behave myself at games elsewhere. Or if the Heels are there get thrown out by Roy Williams :P Somehow me getting thrown out of a game doesn't sound absurd. I can see some of you hearing about some fan getting thrown out and saying "probably Aeris" :P

I don't think a new school would appreciate the large amount of UNM/Lobos gear I have either :P

~A.

Today is my dad's birthday! He's turning the big 60. Now, any commentary about him being old would make ME feel old, so he gets a pass there. I spend my days in class with 18-22 year olds and that's my age range as far as I am concerned. :P It's funny, sometimes when classmates ask me my age they call me a liar and want to see my driver's license. I prove that I am indeed 26. People think I'm 19-21 usually, so I guess I'm not aging like milk. :P

It blows my mind my dad is 60. Mostly because where the hell did the years go? It's tragic we spent so much time at odds with each other. But I'm glad as hell he's in my life now. He's probably my loudest, if not biggest, fan. He's always bragging about me all over the place and also encouraging and supporting me. So a big hug and a couple of margaritas to my dad. Since you're not here dad, I'll drink yours. :P

He's also been taking better care of himself, and he is definitely impressed with how I changed by taking care of myself. I'd kinda like him to stay around a little longer. There will be more things to brag about. :P

So once again, Happy Birthday Dad! I love you :)

~A.

I apologize for the bizarre and basically incoherent things I posted here and on Twitter. They were written in a state of disorientation and stress. I deleted all of said posts.

I need a vacation the fuck away from here or something. My everyday stuff is stressing me out.

~A.

Oh man. I feel sick to my stomach. My 1st choice school app is in and it's complete. Transcripts are there, test scores, my application and what I think are my very strong essays, all there and accounted for. Whatever image of me those things provide is what I'll get judged on, regardless of what that image is. I am so nervous and so scared right now. I'm just laying on my bed typing this while shaking. I feel like I wanna cry. But this is it. I'm a sure in to my safety school, and that's great. However my number one choice is number one for a reason. 2 large reasons, really.

This is not a sure thing, I'm not an easy in. You have to understand I haven't really been in a position where my academic abilities were not enough. This could very well be one. I've ridden pretty high through my life academically. To get shot down at a major turning point would suck. I don't know how I would take it, I don't know academic rejection. I don't want to.

Getting in would require me to make some hard choices. And for the first time be completely on my own without anyone to lean on, or anyone I know even. Just me. That scares the piss out of me. I'd have to build my life from nothing/no one. Can I even do that?

I'm not so cocky and confident now, am I?

~A.

I was thinking about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. Where I've been is miserable and hellish, I am glad I was strong enough to break free from it. Where I am, I mean jesus christ. I'm 26, drive a cute blue sports car, am in great shape and look pretty damn good thank you, doing amazing in college, have my best friend back at my side, am loved by family and friends, I easily make friends, conquered a few of my demons, I know where I'm going and what I want to do.

It gets BETTER than this? Holy shit. I can't even imagine.

~A.

So I went on Android's app market and downloaded an app to blog from Alexandroid (no seriously, that name is genius). So there might be more but shorter posts.

I'm not sure that I need a laptop anymore, beyond I store my music on it, maybe writing lengthy papers. (I can write papers on here, really) Isn't that insane? This is a "phone". Everything I do online I can do on Droid. It's pretty much replaced my net book and laptop. Phone is like the last thing I use it for, lol. I'm married to this thing, have been since the day we met :P Technology is crazy with what you can do. I take it for granted, but got to thinking about all the shit Droid does I do. All of my email addresses are linked to it. Twitter, Facebook, blog, reading the news, AIM, mp3 player, youtube...holy shit.

Sometimes I just like to stop and think about the everyday. And analyze the fuck out of it. Always asking why, I think it's why I do well in school. Also how I piss off a lot of people for not taking things at face value. But I have to know. I mean that as I have to know why, I have to learn things on a regular basis, I just need to know stuff. You'd be surprised just how many topics I can hold a fairly knowledgeable conversation about. Fractals, how and why some infinities are bigger than others, a lot of fucking books, the news, politics, psychology (:P), astro/theoretical physics, latest technology (DWOID! Yes it's a w cause it sounds cute when I say it that way), how cell networks work in detail, English grammar and vocabulary, music and EXACTLY why I like certain songs in complete musical notation...that's just the first ones to mind!

How do I know all this? Asking why! It seems as people get older they stop reading or writing as much and definitely stop asking why. That SUCKS because as I get older people know less and I get bored with people faster. >=( Stop being dummies! Just because you can get away with the minimum doesn't mean you should. Everything else about me will fade, but my mind is going to be the most standout aspect of me for quite some time.

That's the good part anyways.

~A.

Ok, I swear this time I'm not going to stop writing here :P I'm also trying to not get mushy or wax poetic, I can't promise anything there.

I'm just ridiculously happy. Like REALLY happy. I can say with all honesty I have never been THIS happy in my life. Hopefully that doesn't change anytime soon. Everything is great, I want for nothing and no one. Everything is going good. Will that powers that be PLEASE not introduce any drama into my life? I've had enough for this round, thank you, and I like feeling like I do.

Every moment he's been back is surreal. We hit extra surreal when he called me last night and we spoke on the phone for the first time in many months. It was like nothing had happened. We straight hit the giggles right away like we always did. It's hard to have a conversation and giggle. But hearing his voice once again made me feel at peace, and the last little scraps of torment left my mind. The world was finally as it should be, or so it feels.

It was a bit emotional, I went from giggles to crying to giggles to crying...I felt kinda overwhelmed. So did he. Hearing each other made it VERY real that the other was really there. But we were beyond glad to have each other back. Things are different, we're both different too. But better than before. And everything is going to be ok. We've got to work as a team, not against each other. I think previously it had been forgotten we were on the same side. After a few months without each other I think we both realized that the other was on our team and that we needed them.

Despite all the success and good things that have happened to me, my world didn't feel right. I was missing a piece. Now I have it, and everything feels like it should.

I am tormented no longer. I never want to be again.

~A.

So there's been a bit of drama lately, as I've mentioned. The pre-med bullshit, bit of a blowout with Ryan, hurricane Warren is back and I'm having a hard time processing that...shit's crazy. This is NOT where I sorta saw myself Friday and Saturday. I figured I'd be moping about Ryan, rambling about some inane facet of my life to try and block out Ryan being gone, I'd even half started some posts for Monday and Tuesday, well had some topics jotted down for both, even left space to paste some of the sappy crap I was sure Ryan would email me...

Yeah. NO. None of that happened. Shit went in a completely different direction. One I could not have predicted under any circumstances. I don't like being caught off guard, because that means I am NOT the one with the advantage. And I get kinda spazzy when vulnerable. But I'm not spazzy this time. I'm just confused. This is so far away from what I thought this week would be like that I can't get a grasp on it. Every time I think of this week and some of the crap that entails, I'm just like "What. The. Fuck." I'm seriously having some issues grasping this as my reality.

I think and remember in very vivid pictures. There's this moment where I heard my Droid go off, picked it up to check who it was from, and I damn near passed out after having only seen in green the name who it was from. My whole body locked up, and I remember looking at my phone while dizzy and since everything was blurry and dark, thinking this was a dream. Besides the whole not believing it aspect, I am fascinated by how surreal everything was at that moment while I'm dizzy and feel like I'm gonna puke. Also rather intrigued at the neutrality I felt then, not upset or unhappy but also not bouncing with joy. Just kinda wtf-ish. I still check my damn Droid once in a while to see if that really happened. It did.

I don't have any answers for any of my questions yet. This does not frustrate me. It summons a few lines from a song:

"Look into the wall of my mind's eye, I think I know but I don't know why, the questions are the answers you might need..."

It's all pretty applicable. The last part is the part that has me in deep thought. The questions are the answers...I am fairly convinced that's exactly what will happen. I just don't know if the answers are my questions or other questions. I'm pondering both ways. The initial realization is the idea of would I be happy with solid answers or more questions. I don't know how much, if any, of either I want. I'm heavily mulling that over. I STRONGLY suspect questions.

This is a prime example of me dumping some of the mind traffic so I can think a bit clearer. I've been staring at the ceiling for 2 hours completely lost in basically these thoughts. How my pattern of reactions has been does not match with what I'm going through now. I should be, and could justify, being REALLY upset. But I'm not. We're far enough removed timewise from my lowest emotional point that wild elation isn't an option either.

My favorite question is why. I think that's kinda obvious sometimes. Now would be an interesting time to ask it. But I'm not. Actually, me completely upset/distressed emotionally asking why is how I would assume I react. That's not this. My calm is kinda scaring me, even though I know it's a good thing. I couldn't even guess my own reaction to this. Thoughtful, curious, and calm. Where'd emo Aeris go? My mom told me to not talk to strangers. :( Do I really not know myself that well? If I can't even predict me, then who the fuck else would be able to?

I think shit like this all day. Obsessive introspection. And I change trains of thought like this too. I seriously do write like I think. Which says volumes about my mind and what it is like.

I just had the thought of maybe my answers to the reflective of my questions are the answers I want. I'm going to go test this while staring off into space looking like no one is home upstairs. But there's plenty going on upstairs, they're just too busy to keep the lights on all the time for your convenience.

Calm and patient, yet strong and understanding. I don't think I'm doing so bad taking things in stride now.

~A.

 Song by The Beatles. None of the songs I could think of fit this very well. So, I just googled songs about doctors and chose that one. For two very specific reasons. First, I happen to know someone who is a bit of a Beatles fan so it's a nod to them, and second my dad's name is Robert so it's a nod to him too. :)

When the hell did I get a life? I just realized I have one while syncing Alexandroid (so fucking clever), Thunderbird my email client, Sunbird my laptop calendar AND my Google calendar. The mere fact I have to sync all my shit tells me I have a life, and a lot shit to keep track of that my memory just can't do. Crazy.

I have one less thing to take care of I was going to explain about before but totally forgot. I resigned from my position as the chair of diversity in medicine for the AMSA pre-med student org. Here's the detailed reason why I did.

Ever since the beginning, our directors have been irresponsible and absent minded. But they were nice, so I just thought they were new to this and needed time. Yeah, no. For national coming out day we were supposed to have been funded to hold a small event with the queer straight alliance (QSA), you know that whole diversity thing. we had our budget in on time and we asked what's up they said they're looking at it...at least a dozen ignored texts/emails later, me and my co-chair wound up funding it our damn selves. They made a BIG DEAL about AMSA supporting diversity and about how we needed to be there. Not one other damn officer, and they all knew where and when, EVER showed up over the two day event. Not even the directors.

I'm kinda peeved at this point, it was a month or more later they even acknowledged they'd just forgotten about the budget and event. You know, these are the same fucking people who were riding my case about how important it is for us to be there, my co-chair is an officer in QSA (intentionally picked for that reason) and he was kinda pissed off, so he tied us up to QSA to save at least some money on this super important event no one gave a shit about. We could have not been there and they wouldn't have known. This kinda pissed me off, but I let it go. One mistake doesn't hurt.

Next up was a person on our committee who made all these promises of showing up to meetings, getting involved, helping out and so on. She wanted to work with the mission statement diversity in medicine (DIM) had, she was super enthusiastic and seemed willing to get going on stuff. So our directors gave her some small, but goddamn important, stuff to do. We stopped hearing from her daily 2 weeks into the semester, we think she's busy with new classes, blah blah. We stopped hearing from her at all, no text, no email, no phone call replies, 6 weeks in or so and she was in my french class, but showed up very rarely and completely ignored me when I tried to talk to her. So DIM was a bit behind in getting this shit done because we thought she was on it, we eventually went on without her. The directors, who so nicely assigned us this flake BITCHED US OUT FOR BEING LATE ON THE SHIT SAID FLAKE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. DIM as a whole, not just me and my co-chair (who I was so very glad was a reliable person and I definitely couldn't handle all the shit DIM had to do alone at this point), I'm talking officers down to just general members, we all got bitched out. I am pissed off once again and fire off an email that explains in no uncertain terms why blaming us was the wrong thing to do and how I didn't appreciate getting bitched at for something wrong that I didn't do. So here's time two they've horribly fucked up. I'm not really confident on their leadership at all at this point. They also don't respond right away to emails, but expect everyone else to. There's some bitching about that from them too.

I am VERY AWARE that most of the other officers are friends of the directors. This means I will never get a vote of no confidence passed, because I won't be able to get a majority fucking ever. I'm also VERY PISSED OFF. At this point though I'm working on the autism awareness events, so I stay because, you know, that's my cause. That was important to me. DIM won a $200 grant from national HQ for our idea to start an annual awareness day at UNM. This is pretty fucking cool, and I'm busting my ass working on donations, sponsors, fundraising ideas, etc., and I am so excited.

So, I had promised a local elementary school of particular importance to me (:P) a discount on tickets to the healthy halloween carnival another committee was holding. Said discount had been cleared with everyone on both sides. I get a count from the school of how many tickets to buy, so I try to contact the chair of that committee to get this done. No answer. Not calls, texts, voicemails, email...not shit. So I go to the directors to try and get this done. They tell me to ask the chair of the committee holding it. I inform them I have been trying for about a week. They swear they'll take care of it. At this point, I'm just pretty sure I'm about to look bad to these elementary kids and their parents. I had 300 people signed up. I lose sleep over this bullshit.

I wind up having to go to the school, apologize profusely, explain what happened, and they made the announcement over the intercom that the carnival trip was canceled for those who had signed up. See, I'd even gotten the school to agree to acquire us the use of some school buses to bus everyone over there and back, just as a matter of safety and parking. Angry hate mail to my officer mailing address and email ensued, how dare I say I can get the tickets, how could I let all these kids down...I was doubling up on anti depressants for at least 2 weeks. Even people who worked at the school called me and told me off. I felt awful. I still get shitty comments at the grocery store sometimes.

Starting slightly before the halloween bullshit and the ending happening right along with me dealing with hate mail, me and a friend design AMSA a new flashy website since the current one was looking geocities craptastic. He did artwork, I did layout, it was pretty fucking slick and we were proud of it. 4 weeks and still no one ever emails me the login info so I can have access to modify the website. My friend deletes all the artwork he did and said "fuck them". I delete my layouts and think the same thing because I'm now getting hate mail from 8-10 year olds and their parents, we go through the trouble to design this fucking website that we spent hours on, and then all the previous shit. I'm beyond pissed. I'm trying to hold on for my autism event, but it's getting damn hard.

My final breaking point was that recently they decided my team working on this autism thing needs TWO MORE co-chairs. Me and the one I picked don't have that much to do, how the fuck do we need two more people? So there would be a total of 4 co-chairs. This team had 3 non-officer people and me and the other guy. Are you fucking serious. I start feeling like my position means nothing and I've lost any semblance of authority. Fuck, let's just make EVERYONE an officer. I wasn't the only one who got some more helpers we didn't need, I think all committees did and special projects did. We had ~20 officers when I came on board beginning of fall 09. We had 45 when I said fuck this and quit last Thursday.

The new co-chairs pissed me off, but weren't what sent me over the edge. They, being the directors, did officer interviews AND PROMISED AND SWORE the current chairs would get to evaluate and yay or nay the newbies. They, of course, didn't. They'd already promised these people the position, so they "couldn't" revoke it if we disagreed. I got the excuse we didn't have time to check with you guys. Ok, first they had more than enough time to send an email and we send one back with our thoughts. Second, THEY FUCKING PROMISED TO DO SO. More of their friends come on board so said friends can put down they were a pre-med officer on apps and shit to look good. These people couldn't handle being a greeter at Wal-Mart, let alone be in charge.

That was god damn enough for me, thank you. The people I had to rely on as leaders were dipshits and kept fucking me over. I couldn't get shit done/organized/planned because of said dipshits. After the hate mail, I said to myself they have no more strikes, if they pull bullshit again, I'm gone. I can embarrass myself quite well as it is, thank you very much. And if I wanted hate mail, I'd put my address on my car while driving around churches blaring obscene rap music about bitches and hoes and pussy and tits and whatever. So, in a text message they responded quickly to for the first time EVER, I told them off and told them I quit, and I quit because they are dipshit leaders and this is not a student org I want to be affiliated with because with them in charge we were getting a bad rep as an org.

So, I have some more extra free time. :P I'm actually pretty happy about this. I didn't have to stress this bullshit or that they'd even give us the clear to buy shit for the autism thing. I had a feeling that wasn't going to go well. Can't imagine why.

Besides, I'm going from here to my PhD instead of MD. I'd have to read and write and do research working on a PhD. OH NO! What torment! What torture! I'd have to use SPSS (or my preferred open source PSPP)! I have no experience doing any of that so I'm not very good at them either!

Yeah, you all know I'm THAT student who lives in the library and has a good time doing so. I'm the nerdiest motherfucker I know.

But damn do I look good doing it.

~A.

And it's not the one I thought it'd be either. I thought I'd be crying over Ryan. Not so much, and life also got way more interesting as well.

So, as time went on, I started showing more and more of myself and my life on my blog. Even when I felt I shouldn't say anything or worried what will people think, I did it anyways. This one of those posts. My radio silence was because I was unsure on if I should say anything or nothing. However, considering I have been losing sleep and feeling really conflicted yet curious about my current situation, a certain degree of it goes here. Also since my dad and belle-mere use this pretty heavily to keep up on me, I feel a need to at least say something.

So, this little mental hurricane has two parts. Well, many parts but they stem from two sources.

First off, I'll address Ryan. Saturday night we had a massive fight and that's the last we've spoken. He was talking of and almost pressuring me to make a heavy commitment to him after he got back. I basically told him "No, hell no". He wasn't thrilled by my reply, I was not thrilled he went there even though he knew I couldn't go there and I told him from the outset I would not go there. There's also that whole seeing each other about a month thing. He was talking about moving in together. I don't think so. So considering what was said and how things ended, I don't think I'll hear from him anymore. Especially since he left on Monday for Japan. My usual rule applies, don't bring him up to me unless I say something first. I'm kinda pissed off about the whole deal and how his jumping the gun, WAY jumping the gun, ruined a perfectly good friendship at the very least. In that whole dust up I realized that I was trying to use Ryan to fill some of the holes W left behind since they shared some similarities. A band-aid to try and cover a complete evisceration. I've said before W was not even remotely replaceable to me and my world. It's true. A lot truer than I sometimes care to admit. Regardless of all the other progress I'd made personally, both mental and physical, I was NOT the same person after him. I've been called out on that by at least 5 different people over the past few months. If you can't understand how bad it will fuck with you having someone and losing someone who means that much to you, who holds that much prestige in your world, then this will merely sound like I am waxing poetic. I'm not. There's a reason I keep saying things like this about him, they're true. Even after all the bullshit and moderately childish (VERY childish) remarks I made regarding him, he was still my number one. Maybe not in the same way, but he was half of me regardless of anything else.

I'm haunted by phantasms of the past. The break from W was not even remotely clean, and ever seen those 3 sided daggers? They're like that because they make a wound that is difficult to heal. Think the place for your straw on the plastic lids of drinks. Once you put that straw in then take it out, that shit is not going back to the way it was. That's the wound W left behind. It was very slow to bounce back from that, and I can't say at all I've completely done so. But I was making slight amounts of progress, and any step forward is still a step forward. When shit went south around midterms of last fall semester, my grades went to hell. I did not have anything higher than a C. I was a mental and emotional disaster. Somehow I managed a 3.75 GPA at the end of the semester, and that in and of itself is progress to me. But everyday he haunted me, and I couldn't break the tie that bound me to him. We'd said before nothing could break whatever it is that binds us two, and I surely thought we had in that whole...mess. Or at least he had broken his tie with me.

WRONG.

Sunday night I'm laying in bed reading for class, and I hear that "Droid" everyone around me fucking hates but I love. :P Blue blinking light, that means an email. So I opened it and began to read. And I got dizzy and about passed the fuck out, plus my heart was racing. For hours after I swore I was dreaming, that this couldn't be. The careful although incomplete image of myself I'd so painstakingly created after W fell to the floor, shattered. I didn't care, it had been missing pieces anyways.

Those pieces returned.

It was an email from W, and I remember seeing his online name I knew so well in my inbox and almost falling over and passing out. Instead I was dizzy for hours, in a state of disorientation and disbelief. This couldn't be. I was lucid dreaming, I had to be. But I wasn't. So I emailed him back.

I'm not going into any detail the email conversation that follows. It was awkward for me though. I didn't know what to think, what to feel...or even what to say. But that email told me in non-direct terms he couldn't break his bond to me either. I could start from there. And I'm trying to.

Remember all the goddamn times I've said I've forgiven him for what happened and I have zero bad feelings about that mess? That got tested. Was I really THAT big of a person to just let bullshit in the past stay there? Or would some of the hurt trigger one of my rages/rants about how things went down? Was I really everything I thought I was...did I really feel that way...

Yep. I felt no anger, no hatred, no pain, no negative emotion along those lines even. Not once in our email back and forth did I ever feel any of that. I'm not going to paint the picture I was overjoyed to hear from him. But I wasn't unhappy to hear from him either. I mention this partly because before, I would have felt one of those two extremes. And acted in such a way. But here I was, Ms. Emo, completely fucking chill about it. Another sign of progress, however small it may seem to others.

What I DID feel was confusion and more than a bit of hesitation. Once burned twice shy kind of mindset. I really wondered if I could even let him back into my world, was it worth it? Would I be left decimated again? Here he was at the doorstep to my bizarre little world, and I honestly didn't know at first if I really could let him in. However, I absolutely could and did. Things are weird and awkward, I guess our dynamic has to be re-established. We're both kinda being cautious, me concerned he's gonna hurt me and he concerned I'll lash out. I didn't expect much in a day. Time will show how this plays out.

I know some of you (P) don't exactly approve of all of this. Which I understand is based out of concern, since some of those same people were the ones helping me pick my pieces back up. However something is very palpably different. There's been some intense and difficult realizations on both parts, and I go into this with some hesitation but also with a smile. Especially now that I know we weren't so wrong about being bound to each other and not being able to break it. Whatever happens from here, happens. It won't be a smooth ride, but I suspect once this whole awkwardness dissipates, it'll be a fun ride. I also go into this not being an emotional time bomb and rather laid back. I learned after all of this how to take things in stride. So I will. Besides, he has a Droid. You can't be that bad of a person if you're smart enough to own a Droid.

It's funny, both of us have tried in different ways to break the other away from their life for various reasons good and bad. But we can't. Neither one of us has a damn clue why, but we've realized we just can't. The other person is so entrenched in our respective selves...it's kinda like trying to kick yourself out of your own life. You can't do it, you're just in a state of denial until the absence of the other takes a heavy toll on you, and the obvious becomes obvious to you. We haunted each other because we couldn't shake the other from some core part of our beings. Once again, I'm not waxing poetic. This is just kinda how things are and you either get it or you don't and it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm sure outwardly he was far more stoic than I, but I think we both had a very similar struggle mentally over whatever the fuck happened. You'd think a large blowout that affected me so deeply would be seared into my mind, every detail clear and precise.

I don't even know what the fuck we were arguing about. And that's the way I like it.

~A.

A: Ok, so some things to get out. This will be the last time for a while I will have someone else posting about me or with me. I chose Ryan and P because of their dynamic with me and all 3 of our dynamics with each other. They're also local friends of mine so they could comment about me as I am in person. With Ryan leaving, things won't be the same. Me and P don't really want to do it together without Ryan, so P is out. Ryan's focus is on school, so it'll be just me. A very interesting experience having those two contribute here. Even if everyone else hated it, we had a blast. So back to my excessively verbose ramblings about nothing.

Ryan and I had a long talk about us and him leaving and all that mess. I was thinking there'd be crying and emotional outbursts and this whole big scene.

R: Instead we mutually agreed on the same thing with no tears and more smiles and laughs than anything. Aeris and I are ending our relationship once I leave, and will possibly revisit the idea when I return. We're not expecting anything because a lot can happen in 3 months. Badass could start dating P, lol.

A: Right after pigs fly and hell freezes. It's going to be a bit hard and kind of weird knowing if the other person is seeing someone else. However, we both realize it's not a commentary on the other person or replacing the other person. It's just a commentary on the situation.

R: Yeah. We will both deal with some jealousy if that occurs. We're not that unaware to think it won't happen, it will. We will still be friends and keep in touch.

A: We swore to each other we would always be friends no matter what else. We also swore to be completely direct and honest with each other about our respective situations. Something I insisted on.

R: Because of him. You know every time you refer to him even in a shit context it means you're thinking of him. You are angry with him because you care about him. And he couldn't give a damn if you were dead. Which bothers you more. Badass, I love you but I'm not entirely in the dark. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice sometimes and I just heard it now. He knew exactly how to get you. He left a wound that won't really heal. And even after all these weeks you are still hurt. As fucked as it is the guy got you where you can't hide it or heal it and was smart about it.

A: Wow. You went all the way there. Alright I'll come clean. Yes the reason I insisted on that was because of my experience with him, yes the reason I refuse to have a long distance relationship with you while you're gone is him, yes he got me right where he wanted to, yes it's taking forever and a day to get better, yes he was pretty smart about how to get me, yes I still think about him and yes I still care after all the hell.

R: I didn't say this earlier but I think the 3 months apart will be good so it can get better. You and him were closer than you and I are. You have these I dunno, I guess they're rules in our relationship that come from that mess. I understand but at the same time I'm not him. I'm not trying to call you out or attack. I'm saying I hate how that hurt fucks with us. I hope a lot of it goes away between now and when I come back. I want you happy.

A: If you weren't right next to me I probably would have flipped out at that. I see the concern in your face. You're right. Maybe I need a few more months out of the water. Or the rest of my life. I should start collecting cats now.

R: Babe, knock off. You're not going to be a crazy cat lady who dies alone. You're being dramatic. Stop it. I do think you need to completely avoid getting involved and focus on Aeris. You give so much attention elsewhere you forget about you. I know this blows. I know I just left you emotionally naked to everyone who reads your blog. You hide behind your own bullshit. You don't need to there's nothing wrong with you. Everyone understands what hurt like that is like and how it fucks up your world. It's not weakness. Trying to ignore it is. Don't cry, sweetiepie. (she's starting to cry) You can take this head on like you do everything else. And I'll love you in one form or another all the way through it. I'll love you while I'm gone even more than I love you now. You can trust that. I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to struggle alone. You can't keep ignoring it. It's fucking with you and how you do things in our relationship. I'm going to throw your own words in your face. Know that I do it out of love and concern. You have said someone can only affect you as much as you let them. So don't let them. that's what they want. To bring you down. But you're Badass in actions and in name. So start being badass.

A: Heh, you wrote a lot and read it to me while I was crying. I am surprised I got called out like that. I'm more surprised it was you. I feel like an asshole though. I feel like I'm weak too. What I feel the most is guilt on how I let things affect and create rules between you and I. I'm pretty ashamed of that. I'm better than that.

R: Baby, don't start being too hard on yourself. Shit happens and shit hurts sometimes for longer than you think it should. I think it was his intention to cause you a long term hurt and he did a good job. I don't think any other woman could have or would have been as strong as you. They would think it's an insult to them. You can see it's an insult to him and his character. It's ok to still care about him and it's ok you have forgiven it all. It's even ok if he realized he lost a great person in his life and you accepted him as a friend again. That takes a lot of strength to have that much forgiveness. That's not weakness. It is not easy to be willing to wipe a slate clean. You really should spend some of that strength on forgiving you, I think.

A: You and your logic again.

R: I know you will post this. That's pretty brave. You're revealing a lot with all of this. That makes me proud of you. I can't think of anyone who would not just delete this and post something else. You're willing to show the weak and hurt parts of you now. THe content of your blog has become less about the world around you and more about you. The deep interesting parts of you too.

A: See, how am I going to be rational without you around? You are great at comforting me and talking sense.

R: Badass, you're badass. All I am doing is telling you what you know but hide. You didn't deny anything because you knew it was true. The only thing I have said that you don't really know is that showing your wounds to those who care about you is not weakness. You're badass, but not hardass. You don't need to have a face of strength and act like nothing affects you too much. No one buy it. You try to though. Even you can't deny that you get hurt to yourself.

A: This is going to be an interesting read for some. Stating the obvious for others, probably.

R: Maybe. But everyone who cares about you has your back. Mostly because we know if we get in front of you we're gonna get run over! ^laughs^

A: *laughs* Aw, thanks babe. I'm sitting in his lap and he has his arms around me. I'll miss times like this.

R: I hear P is single. :P

A: I hear I'll swat you upside your head for suggesting it! :P

R: Let's end this, I want to snuggle. I guess my last words for before I leave would be that I love this girl. She's shaken my world in such a short time and I had fun on this blog too. She's Badass but adoreable. I'm glad to have her in my life. I'll be in touch with her while I'm gone. I'll worry about how she is doing. Until I leave though, I'm going to love her with hugs every minute I can. She's Bad Bad Badass!

A: See, tears are on their way again! You've got me all sappy. Ryan's so sweet and so smart, I feel lucky to know him. I love him too, and he knows it. And now, it is definitely time for snuggles.

~A.

So, today was terrible. Got the estimate for my car, 1100 bucks, and the other girl's insurance keeps trying to get me to say I was at fault. They called me 3 times today. I left my lights on this morning and came back to my car to a dead battery. Thanks to the lovely cold/wet weather, I slipped and wacked the back of my head on the ground, there's a good sized bump back there. Classes went ok, but were kinda boring outside of the professors' jokes. I go to get a prescription refill, the pharmacy is like yeah we're not going to accept that prescription because of the paper it was written on. So I had to drive back to the dr's office, pick up one written to make them happy, and back again to get it filled. 50 minute wait. Fuck you, I'm going home. I also almost got hit by an SUV pulling a trailer, I was in the turn lane and he decided to get in the turn lane on top of me, of course suddenly and without a turn signal. What karmic sins am I fucking paying for today? Jesus.

It's Friday. I can just chill and relax to gather myself for the next week. It's 5:30 pm and I want to go to bed. I just don't want to deal with today any god damn more.

~A.

For reasons beyond me I woke up at 2:30 am wide awake. I guess I'm stressed out, school started, some bitch hit my car, Ryan's leaving... It's a lot to deal with, keeping everything and yourself in a healthy balance. I was productive, I filled out every last damn form including the applications for the schools I am looking at. Those are completed, essays are completed. All I need to do is submit. Waiting on UNM to update my transcript/gpa with my creative writing class, then I can order official transcripts. I'll submit everything all at once on the same day. Even if UNM gets their shit together (yeah right) soon, I'm going to wait until late mid February to submit. Deadline is early March, and I'm already going to be edgy until decisions come out in April or so. I'm going to be edgy as soon as they have my app, so I'm trying to stall to minimize my time spent criticizing myself over some small detail on an essay or the application. I know I'm going to. I am harsh on people in general (I'm not sorry) but I am absolutely harshest on myself. I can't control others, but I am in control of me and god dammit I expect the best from me...nothing short of perfection.

Yet here I am, about to ask a couple of colleges if they think I'm good enough. I obviously think so since I'm applying, but will they? That has me pretty nervous. I hate subjecting myself to criticism. It tends to get me criticizing myself pretty heavily. I don't like coming up short for other people. I either get in or I don't...but what does it say about me if I don't?

So I put on my running gear to go run, and as soon as I step out the door I get pelted with sleet. So I came back inside and wrote this. :P It was almost 50 outside too, pretty warm for 3-4 am. Fuck you, weather.

P made a good point at lunch today. He's totally batshit and sometimes obnoxious but he's smart as hell and a great friend. We were talking about how I'm sporting a more feminine look this semester, and a couple of our other friends mentioned that it didn't seem like I was me. P said that it's just another side of me that was unseen, everything and every way I present myself is in fact a part of who I am. He said I am completely unable to be anything I'm not. (all paraphrased) He's right. I can oscillate between girly and tomboy and ninja and badass with ease, and all are a part of me and all have their own appeal at times. I'm pretty confident as all of those and even others so I do all of them well. I only recently realized I'm a super attractive woman. I've always thought I was ok or maybe slightly above average. I am how I feel, I guess. I noticed the quality of guys who try and hit on me has improved. This is important since UNM is in the middle of a sketchy part of town and creepy guys are rampant. Now I'm landing guys like Ryan. :P

I'm sleepy again so I'll sign off here before I become incoherent. :P

~A.

So, this dumb bitch tries to pass me on the left in a one way/one lane parking lot area. She's dumb, and clips the rear bumper of my car. I was stopped waiting for the bus to go by so I could turn left and head home. But no. I spent most of my afternoon trying to get this girl's insurance info because she was really hesitant to hand it over. I filed a police report and called both insurance companies, I go in tomorrow to a body shop so that her insurance knows how much it'll take to repair it.

My motherfucking prized car. I keep getting so angry I cry. I'm not much of a materialistic person. But my Droid and my car are fucking SACRED in my world. They are what keep me connected to many aspects of my life. I'd just recently handwaxed the damn car too. So mad I can't think straight. She called her dad who is apparently the one insured, and after talking to him she said. "My dad thinks it is your fault so that's what we are telling the insurance". HER DAD WASN'T FUCKING THERE. I don't know what bullshit she fed him but oh my god. They're gonna make getting my car fixed by their insurance a fucking fight. You hit a stopped car by trying to pass where there's no room to pass, it's kinda your fault.

Ruined my fucking day, which was going so damn well. I was having an awesome day...then this as I head home. Argh. Here's the damage:

Totally going to regret my 3 hour nap this afternoon. I sure needed it though.

This week has been fun, and it's looking like all 5 of my classes are going to be damn good times. ALL of my professors are cool, they're funny, it's looking like I won't have much homework but a bunch of reading, I got my fav professor for one of my classes...all in all I'm pretty excited. I have a young goth/punk type of girl with dyed black hair and a lot of arm tattoos named Precious teaching my math class. She's a small girl but good lord she is loud. She's definitely not what comes to mind when I hear math teacher. I like her though. Still not a fan of math. :P

Lobos play tonight, away game at Air Force...here's hoping they get their shit together, if they lose to Air Force I'm gonna cry. Air Force is the worst team in our conference, and by A LOT. I had big hopes for both the Heels and the Lobos at the beginning of the season but holy fuck both are sucking at this point. I got my tickets for the next few games last night, and I'm in section 26, but much further away from the court than my last seats. Which is fine with me, because sitting close to the court also means going up and down a lot of damn stairs. Going to the bathroom was an ordeal. There's a game Saturday and me and Ryan are going, his last game before he goes. I've kinda lost a little bit of heart for the Lobos with him not being there. It's a fucking bummer.

That's the elephant in the room this week, Ryan leaves early Monday morning. The first couple days of class were a nice distraction, but now that it's time to get into a routine and the newness is over with, it's RIGHT FUCKING THERE in my mind. This semester is really going to be fun and my so called boring classes look like they won't be so boring. I really should be excited but I am depressed as hell. He and I have been moping around the past few days, it just SUCKS. Saturday evening we'll do one last post together, then after that it's going to be all me again. It was an interesting experiment having him and P around. They're great people, sometimes goofy and immature, but so am I. They see me a lot differently than I do, and even I learned a couple of things about me. So much love to both of you.

I'm trying not to cry right now while writing this, but I'm upset. It hurts. Even though we'll stay in touch it'll be different not having him around. Especially since now I'll have to be the one who spends time with P! :P Both of them have been on my case to not overdo it because I'm upset. When I'm upset, I become a severe workaholic. It also tends to be when I start new projects or hobbies or whatever and I get obsessed with those. So I'm going to try really hard to pace myself and enjoy this semester. I'm sure I'll feel better sooner rather than later.

This is a fucking wild thought that blows my mind, but I don't know where the fuck I will be for Fall 2010. Will I be a Lobo still? If not, where will I be? Does their basketball team suck? (:P) I'm right at this fork in the road, and all paths lead to success, but how will I get to success? Will I make the right decision? Will I royally fuck up everything? These questions are fucking haunting me. I need to live in the now, but the now sucks with Ryan leaving. I need to calm down. It's hard right now though. I'm admittedly distressed. I didn't want to write a post tonight, but I thought maybe saying some of what's on my mind would help. Yeah, I don't fucking think so. I may not post or post erratically for a while, between Ryan, the new semester, my identity crisis as far as what is real me and what isn't, the whole college application jazz hands dance...I've got a lot to deal with. Sometimes the best way for me to get through some shit is to remove myself from everyone else. So don't stress if I disappear, and don't worry about me if I do. I'm Badass, and nothing can stop me for long.

I think the only reason I actually did write this was to procrastinate a reading assignment that is really boring. However, I want to be THAT person who strolls into class and seemingly knows everything about what the professor is saying. I love being that person. I love being a smartass and a jackass, because I've figured out if I answer all the questions the prof asks and participate in the discussion they're trying to start, then that makes everyone else look like they are not on top of their shit. At the same time, it encourages those who are on top of their shit to also speak up. No one wants to be the first person to speak up. Fuck it, I will. I'm not going to spend class looking at everyone staring blankly at the professor when they ask a question. That makes class so damn long. When 50 minutes drags ass, you know something needs to change. I'm also far enough outside of the box with my ideas, viewpoints and opinions that I can run a bit controversial. This also tends to get people to speak up. When I open my mouth, things happen and people react. I find this incredibly interesting.

So, in order to keep myself out of getting a ticket and until I get a few days to work on the wiring, I managed to convert my xenon headlights back to halogen and both work perfectly thank you very much. So I'm like everyone else with standard boring ass headlights. I woke up at 4 this morning, so I took a few hours before class to get it all hooked up. I had to run wires (UGH) and repair some of the disaster that is my headlight wiring, but I got it done. I am totally proud of myself. The car place wanted 679 bucks to do the conversion. I did it for 40, most of which was the cost of the standard bulbs. It was a bitch though, so I understand the price tag. But fuck them and fuck that. It's much more fun to do it yourself, well at least for me. I even went out and bought the professional repair manual for my car, mostly to straighten out the wiring, but also in case of other things I may need to do. I love working on my car. Most guys I know don't like doing that. I am a breed of my own. (The answer isn't halfbreed either. :P) As I've gotten older and explored my world, I realized I like being way the hell outside of box. I'm off in the wilderness on my own, but I seem to be having more fun that way. Also, mechanics can't rip me off or bullshit me. When I first got the car I found a couple of them tried to do that. They treat women like they don't know a damn thing about cars, so they can lie or fudge the truth and make it sound serious to justify the price or whatever. The vast majority fall for this. The fucking hell if I will.

I guess I'm just independent that way. That won't change anytime soon.

~A.

Oh man, I am so damn tired and don't really wanna write this but am making myself do it. Today was the first day of my spring 2010 semester, and it's looking to be a GREAT semester. My sociology TA is just awesome, he's funny as hell, strict about certain things, but his sense of humor softens the blow. He does have a grudge against psychology calling it a pseudo science and that sociology is a better way of studying people, which of course doesn't sit well with me. So we're gonna dance about that, but he loves when people challenge him instead of sitting there spaced out. If I were a vegetarian jaded italian male, I'd basically be him. It was weird just how much we have in common...besides the psych thing.

Oh, honors. My honors class is more of the same, everything but what honors should be. Though me and this guy in my class bonded pretty quick and we just kept talking and talking after class. He's definitely really smart, and I'm glad there's at least one in this class. He gave me a hug when we said goodbye. I like hugs. :P

My alcoholism class is gonna be interesting. The prof seems to be a bit of a bitch, but she knows her shit and has a great sense of humor. I'll have to see if this class I like or hate.

My other 2 classes start tomorrow, and I am really intrigued as to how those will go. If it was anything like today, this semester is gonna be fun as all hell.

Alexandroid (fucking genius name, I swear) showed me once again Droid motherfucking DOES. On my way back from Oklahoma I got lost after getting off the highway to pee somewhere, bushes or whatever. I wound up 3 miles away from the highway somehow by making bad turns. I almost flipped out, then I remembered...DROID DOES. GPS picked up where I was, told it where I needed to go, and got right back on my way. Today I realized I totally hadn't checked to see where this building was for my first class. I'd never even seen it on my many travels through the UNM campus. When Aeris doesn't know...DROID DOES. Zooming in on the google maps of UNM, it actually shows all the buildings and their names. GPS picked up where I was, I told it what building I needed to get to, and TAADAA! There I was right in front of the building and early to class. A badass girl has to rock a badass phone. And that's definitely a badass phone.

Ok, I'm seriously tired, I'll keep this short and go read a bit then rest. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so excited for classes to start. My mom says I'm still the same girl who used to cry when school went on breaks. But tomorrow calls for me to conquer it, so I need some sleep!

~A.

I thought it was really sweet of you guys to post here and let me, well everyone, know you were worried about me. Sometimes you guys justify me putting up with your bullshit. :P They actually found me on accident, I was listening to Part of the Queue loudly. Ryan said P yelled "I HEAR THAT FUCKING PART OF THE QUEUE SONG! SHE'S NEARBY!". He hates that song, but I love it. They had gone to Costco to get some booze, and I had just parked a few cars down to pick up some new floor mats and lotion. I'd gotten the email on my Droid saying they'd posted, so I was actually glad to see them. We hung out the rest of the day, then I wandered home.

Apparently our Saturday mail had come late on Saturday, so we didn't get it till today when I pitched a bitch about them not being here. My light bulbs were in there! I was completely excited. That didn't last long.

The guy who owned the car before me kinda jury rigged a bunch of the wiring. My horn is wired to my lights (wtf) things are connected to fuses they shouldn't be, wrong fuses are in certain places...it's a disaster. All kinds of wiring is fucked up and I have no idea what the fuck the correct wires are. I connected my lights exactly as they should be, the only thing different is where I connect to the brights since I changed types. Totally doesn't work. What should be the wiring for the brights is connected to I don't know what (probably the horn) and I'm pissed off again. I have to somehow sort this mess out...argh. I LOVE doing car stuff, except wiring. ANYTHING except wiring. Oil change filter change new fuses new spark plugs brakes ANY GOD DAMN THING BUT WIRING! So I'm cranky as hell, and still don't have my lights.

Ah well, P and Ryan made my day, so I can rage about this shit later. Wanna choke someone though!

~A.

R: Aeris is kinda pissed off right now.

p: kinda aint half of it, babygirl is trippin hard.

R: She just found out her light bulbs were supposedly delivered on the 14th, but she never got them. She even more irritated the post office isn't open today cause of the holiday. We were supposed to meet up with her for lunch as a last celebration before school starts. She had forwarded me the email saying it had been delivered with a rather angry and profane rant attached. I called her to confirm where we were going to eat. She didn't answer after 3 tries. I sent her a text and she just replied "enraged. out driving. talk later."

p: most people would look at her like she is crazy for flippin out over headlights. she is crazy most def but that car is like important to her. she loves that damn car. i dunno why but im not a car person.

R: It's part of her identity now in a way. She even put Aeris on the back of it. I will say the car is very her, the blue, the convertible part, the sound system, the small cute but badass feel too.

p: when she bought it she couldnt drive it. and i remember thinkin she was straight batshit for buying a car she cant drive. but she learned and taught herself how to. she also bought it from out of state. thats a lot of bullshit for a car. i guess she was really serious about it.

R: When she is upset she gets in her car and drives for a bit. If it's during the day she stops at 2 places for sure. UNM and Auto Zone.

p: it cracks me up she stops at unm even tho she fukin hates it. she goes to the duck pond and feeds the ducks. prob does lots of thinkin as she does. when we knew she was off in a rage we went to unm to see if we could catch her and we sure as shit did see her feedin the fukin ducks. shell be mad we kinda followed her but whatev.

R: UNM is kinda her sanctuary. It's where she shines the brightest so she's comfortable there. I wanted to run up to her and hug her and kiss her to make her feel better. P said it wasn't a good idea.

p: when she gets like that you gotta let her be. she comes back round but til then shes basically a raging bitch and it doesnt matter who you are. ive felt her wrath. it doesnt feel like hugs and kisses.

R: I'm worried about her.

p: what you need to worry about is the rest of the fukin city. she said on her twitter thing shed summon the rapture. i dont entirely doubt that claim. shell be fine.

R: Still worried. I leave early next week for japan. That's gonna be hard on both of us.

p: she wont show it but shell be kinda crushed. she likes to pretend shes ok with shit that deeply gets to her. and i liked havin you hang out. youre cool as fuk.

R: Thanks, I think. :P Since she hasn't mentioned it in a post...since I will be away I won't really be blogging with Aeris until I get back. Assuming her and I aren't totally annoyed with each other by then.

p: ill still show up but not often. its diff without ryan to play off of. we balance each other ideas and it keeps both of us from bein too fukin annoyin. i think tho once ryan leaves im gonna back off for a bit. babygirl will most likely be writin bout how hurt she is and i have no biz sayin a damn thing bout it. this needs to be all her for a bit.

R: That's a good call P. I didn't think of that.

p: no shit you didnt youre all worried bout babygirl. stop checkin the phone dude. shes fine. you can trust on that.

R: Okay okay topic change. She does make a cute ninja. She looks pretty badass, but she is Badass.

p: thats babygirl. she can do cute but intimidatng all at once. the pics are awesome tho. i saw those and started laughin. shes fun that way.

R: Yeah. I'll miss her being silly for no reason. I remember when I first started seeing her, I was like nothing serious can come from this, she's pretty silly and this is just for fun. I fell in love and fell hard. She's just a different kind of girl. Completely different from anything else I've dealt with.

p: youre getting sappy on me man. knock off. really we jut wanted to post and let babygirl know we care and were thinkin bout her. some more than others. she gets an email when one of us posts here so maybe shell check it and come hang out with us.

R: Yeah Badass, come talk to us about it. We can make you feel better. Promise.

p: by feel better he means embarass you in public.

R: Whatever P. Love you, Badass.

p: youre my homegirl. get your ass out of that crap mood and lets have some fun.


p and Ryan <3

Basically the exact same post I made on the running blog. I don't know who checks what when, so I posted it both places. :)

I'll totally kick your ass, ninja style.

It's been a year since my first day at UNM. The 20th will be exactly one year to the day. I wasn't exactly under the best of circumstances then. Just moved, mom's in bad shape from the wreck, brother hates me and comes into my room to yell at me sometimes, new school, new experience even as I was not familiar with what a university campus environment is like, a few days before Warren and I had stopped speaking, I don't know my way around, I don't know anyone...and I'm terrified. I was also unsure of what my path really was, where am I taking this, what do I want to do with my life. I'm violently depressed. I'm out of shape, hadn't been doing ANY cardio. Over the next month I gain some weight. I figured since the year is starting out really rough already, it's only going to get worse going forward. I was pretty wrong.

Did well in school, made new friends, I ran for an officer position in a student org and got it, got my research positions, picked up 5 types of honors along my way, got back in shape and then some, took up guitar and got pretty good at it, my brother and I are on fantastic terms (unless we're playing video games then it is every man for himself :P), mom's doing better, I'm not depressed anymore, I will try new things maybe hesitantly but I will, I know UNM and where every thing is pretty well now, I realized my path...and I'm not scared anymore.

One by one, little things started going right, then bigger and bigger things until now, where my whole damn life is impressive. I'm impressive. As more things I tried went well, I got braver and tried more. And when those went well I tried even more even bigger things. Everything I touched turned to gold. There really was success for me to have. I stunned most of the people close to me. Not because they thought I couldn't do it, I was capable. But because I actually finally DID do it, and damn if I didn't come out swinging. I did much better than anyone thought I would. Especially me. But they all knew I could, I just needed help. I needed to be reminded that I absolutely could. I knew that, check the damn tattoos on my forearms. Reminders of what I have and can do. Reminders that between my strength of spirit and intellectual power I am a force in my own right. I'm not out in this college world helpless, I'm heavily fucking armed.

Self doubt is a rough battle. Despite what I knew and despite my tattoos, I thought I'd be average at best, just your everyday no name, no impressive grades, no accomplishments, loner type college student you can find on every campus. I didn't think I could. This little engine and her train of cars weren't going anywhere.

The very first person to get on the Aeris express was my dad, actually. He was the first passenger and he let me know that he thinks I very well can and it's about damn time I do. I'm sure Celeste got on board not long after. Once my mom felt better she got on too, and late to the party as usual, my brother was on the train. Interspersed in there are my friends, old and new, who also got on board. I had a shitload of people demanding I get over that damn hill. And if they had to push me so be it, but I was going over that damn hill and there's nothing but good things on the other side. I had some confidence with all these people rallying behind me.

That word/idea is key. Confidence. The Aeris express is fueled by it. Even my occasional fit of arrogance has its purpose; I said it so I better damn well verify it. And I did. And I do. That self confidence was mission critical to everything else I accomplished. Without it, I wouldn't have done a damn thing. Now I may have an excess of it and it's fermenting into ego and arrogance, but if I say it...I better damn well verify it. Though I wonder at what point does confidence become arrogance. As far as externally, to other people, I think it is when you earn an "I can but you can't and here's your flaws why" attitude. I'm not like that in general (I have my moments, we all do) because just saying that I can, whether or not you can or think I can. I think I can. People call you arrogant if you go around saying you can. A lot of it probably stems from they don't have the confidence to say they can, so they put you down for saying you can. This is starting to sound like an Obama campaign speech. Yes we can! 

My personal point of arrogance is difficult to pin down, and there may not even be one. If people come up to me and start telling me yeah they could probably do this or that, then I'm going to want them to back it up. I don't see it as arrogance but being a fool for opening your mouth when you couldn't stand behind what you said. If you can do it, then it's confidence. Even if it takes you a few tries, it's still confidence. You wouldn't even try again if you weren't confident you could do it. So I don't find other people arrogant and I tend to use the word pretty loosely and probably as a joke. As for how I see myself, I use the word cocky but it just means arrogant. I think telling someone I think I can do something is arrogant on MY part, but not if someone else says it to me. People want to be heard, they don't want to listen. I understand that so I don't see them doing it as arrogant. But I do for myself. I have a lot of double standards like that. Other people get a lot more leeway with me than I get with me. Sorta working on that.

But I am pretty proud of myself right now and how far I've gone in a year. And you know it can only get better from here.

~A.

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So it's 3 am on Thursday and my insomnia wandered back to torment me a couple of nights I've been here. I hate transient insomnia because I don't know when it'll come or go. So I took a drive and stopped to get some whole milk, because I only drink whole. I haven't been drinking it as much as I usually do, like a gallon every other day by myself, and I feel kinda yucky when I don't.

My last night/day here, I'm leaving Thursday evening to get back to ABQ to get my shit together for classes that start on Tuesday and Monday is a holiday so I gotta get it together on Friday. (Somewhere an english teacher is having a heart attack reading that.) I do not want to have to stand in line at the bookstore or anywhere else on Tuesday or later. That first week campus is so crowded...then the slackers drop and the rest of us can get to work. :P Despite the fact this semester is not an exciting semester classwise, besides maybe the upper level Alcoholism psych class, I'm still pretty excited to go back to school. Monday night I will not be able to sleep because I'll be so excited, my clothes laid out and bookbag packed that night so I'm ready to go Tuesday morning. I'm tragically nerd. Hardcore nerd. But I make it look good. ;)

Speaking of looking good, I had a shocking realization today. (No it's not that I'm not a boy.) Let me make a very complicated story shorter. I lost a lot of weight (about 90 fucking pounds), then held steady at 165-175, my ideal range for me and I wore a size 14 jean, one size larger than my actual size, a 12. Despite my junk food bingeing and all night video game marathons while I slept all day, I've gone a bit below my range. I'm about 153 currently. I weighed like 150 or so in high school and wore a size 10-12. Since I hate clothes shopping, I guessed my size when I bought a pair of jeans yesterday...because the ones I'd brought with me to Oklahoma became annoyingly too big and I hate wearing a belt. I guessed a 12, thinking I'm a 10 since I'm close to my high school weight and like my jeans a size larger. I was dead wrong. I wound up taking them back today because I was swimming in them. So now I had to actually try shit on to find my size, so that going forward I can just grab what I want then checkout instead of the clothes shopping ordeal women love and hate (More on that later). I'm thinking some vanity sizing shit is going on, where companies say something is a size 10, but really is a 12 or 14. Of course, women will buy the brand that gives them the lowest size and continue to do so cause the other brands think they're fat or whatever. So I look for my "base" size then go one up for jeans but use the base everywhere else, dresses, khakis, whatever. Since I'm trying shit on anyways, I might as well get it all done while I'm there and figure out what my new size is. A few pairs of pants later, I have my base size. A size 6. I have never been a size 6 in all of my years from puberty at about age 13 forward. It was a size for the popular girls or models of some sort or whatever. It was not an Aeris size, Aeris at a 10-12 was considered a plus size. (Isn't the average like 14? Whatever.) So, I grab a pair of 8s in talls since I go one size bigger. I'm thinking wow, they're really being dishonest about the sizing nowadays to sell clothes. There's no way I am a size 6. None. No fucking way. The jeans fit great, just how I like them, but I need to go find my real size or take an average across brands or whatever. I'm so serious when I say I HATE clothes shopping. I don't like trying things on, I don't like the whole is my ass too fat game you play with the dressing room mirror, I don't like other women trying to bond with me by talking about how the mirrors aren't very flattering or whatever. So, again, since I'm out, I'll go figure out what my size is because I need to go pants shopping...again...sometime soon. There's a store right next door that carries many different brands of jeans, so I go over there, grab a size 6 of a few different brands, then go into the dressing room. The one pair that did NOT fit was because it was too big. The rest fit just like the other size 6 in the other store. I apparently have this confused and lost look on my face because the girl asked me how she could help. I asked her to take my measurements so I can find out what size I need to buy. She does, and she tells me a size 6 in tall. I now have my measurements so I pull out Alexandroid (god that name is clever) and google search the "standard" sizing. I feel like I'm being bs'ed.

I really am a fucking size 6. For the first time like ever my shoulders are actually wider across than my hips. I really don't know why I'm dropping weight. Women who read this are going to be like "oh boohoo poor you, you're a size 6 while you eat junk food all day". I'm not entirely complaining. I am entirely stunned. I wouldn't even know that I'd dropped so low pound wise if I didn't have the habit of weighing myself every day then throwing it into an excel file to graph and calculate different amounts.

Despite being minus some hips/butt, I look fantastic though. Still hour glass shaped, still rocking sleek and toned abs, still slacking on my arm strength...but a size 6. I weigh less, am about the same height and wear a smaller size than Tyra Banks, who is much better to look at than listen to. :P And she was always one of my ideas of beauty, because the girl had some fucking curves instead of these boy looking flat chested white women looking like heroine addicts. I showed up here in Oklahoma wearing a sorta form fitting Lobos sweater and these black skin tight yoga pants, the first comments said were about how good I look, I look like I've been running, and how I really am built like a sprinter with my large but not obscene leg muscles. (I told you I was :P) It wasn't until I had to try crap on and find a size that fits did I realize just how much weight I'd loss both previously and recently, just how much my body has changed and gotten sleeker, stronger, more powerful...and how my confidence has been going up too. I kinda can't believe I didn't get it till now, but I also hadn't really tried on clothes till today. Previously if the pants were too big, I'd just go get a belt, didn't take em back, didn't try more on or anything. If they were too small I kept them thinking they might come in handy later. I never knew my size. Now that I do, it makes clothes shopping easier but my idea of me is a bit more complicated. I still saw myself as fatter than I was and I accepted and grew used to that idea of me, that I was whatever size I guessed I was and it was always going to be larger than what people try to sell as ideal.

What this means as far as self image is the image is definitely better, but I also see how self critical I am/was. That alone is a huge thing for me to process, that I'm far different than I perceive myself. By adding P and Ryan to thi blogs, I was trying to get a new perspective of me that isn't so self critical. This kind of kicked me in the face that I AM really hard on myself. That I just immediately thought no way and dismissed the idea of me doing better than I see me doing. This actually has me kind of upset. I'm mischief in size 10 converse...but the only person I'm really an asshole to is me.

To back track to my comment about clothes shopping and women loving and hating it, to me it is the most bizarre paradox. Dressing rooms aren't exactly private, and I can overhear women out shopping with their friends griping about their fat ass, or there's no way she's gained two sizes or how the lights, mirror, the clothing cut or fabric is unflattering. I hear the comment "god clothes shopping is so depressing seeing my fat ass in the mirror". It blows my mind. But a lot of women love to shop for clothes. Every weekend an afternoon with the girlfriends trying on the latest whatever. Then bitching about it. The fuck is wrong with them?

Even better is it's the women about size 10-16, healthy average sizes, who bitch the most. Not the much larger sized women, who I'd think were doing it. If it's a younger woman about my age, give or take 5 years, then it's the size 4-10 who bitch the most because they're not a size 0. To use Tyra again, she's a size 8-10. People called her FAT. Her talk show isn't great, but goddamn, really? That's fat? Now these nimrods think they're fat because if people shaped like Tyra are fat then they must be REALLY fat.

Christ. Yeah yeah, I'm a slim size 6, what grounds do I have to criticize? At my heaviest, almost ONE HUNDRED pounds more than I weight right now, I was a size 24. That means I was an extra FOOT AND A HALF wide at my braline, waist, and hips. All 3 were 18 inches more than what I am now. Go measure out 18 inches. That blew my mind. Still does. I was a foot and a half wider than I am right now...wow.

My point being that I busted my sweet little ass to get my weight under control. To have these women my size complain how fat they are makes me irritated. On NO planet, universe, alternate timeline or whatever will you catch me bitching about being a size 6. They don't know what being fat is. I was fucking OBESE. Kinda hard to see me that way, yeah? It's true. There are pics. They are NOT getting posted, btw. It kinda feels like everything I did and sacrificed and all the self control I used are...cheapened. Like my whole effort was nothing special, like I accomplished nothing because size 6 is still "fat".

Why the fuck do you need your friends to go clothes shopping? So you can be insecure together and reinforce each other's insecurities? Fucking shit. I know there have been other, much larger women trying on clothes now feeling extra bad about themselves since apparently a size 10 is really fat and they're trying on clothes in the size 20s. I used to be one of them. I've been on that side of this, overhearing how a size 10 is like really fat and she really wants to try and be a size 2 while I'm Whale McLardass. Being that person SUCKS. Being that person who lost a whale's turd worth of weight to get from a 24 to a 6 and hear women still complaining that's fat is really fucking irritating because you know what being fat is like, and even just what being fat is.

I dislike women because they like to be stupid in herds. (If they think they're cows then hell, we'll call them cows) They reinforce each other's stupid and I've figured out presenting them with facts and logic will never change their twisted view. It's part of their idea of success. These are the women my brother likes to hook up with, specifically blondes. At least they serve some purpose.

After spending a few days in my hometown where I grew up, I realized something. This place used to be everything I knew. Now it's something I don't know. The classmates who I "know" I don't really know. I know these people as jackass kids, that's the last I saw of them. Supposedly they grew up into adults. I don't know adult them. But considering all the people who have recognized me and talked to me wanting to reminisce about high school, adult them can't let go of those days so they haven't come far from being jackass kids. Some actually turned into jackass adults. The businesses and buildings I knew I don't know anymore. Don't know my former high school either, just that it looks A LOT smaller now than I remember it, interesting because I was almost 2 inches taller then. I really don't know Mustang anymore. That surprised me, really. But all considering, I don't think I want to know it anymore. Seems to be a soulsucking trap.

I'm mentally and physically faster, better and stronger now instead of what most would consider their best years, late teens early 20s. I'm noticing I'm standing pretty alone that way amongst my former peers, who harassed and teased me for all sorts of reasons. I kind of wonder what they were thinking when they said hi to me and recognized me. When a former classmate was parked next to me and I see him, his wife and their kids get out of a minivan, looking middle aged already...overweight, haggard and lots of gray hair...I'm bouncing out of Blueshift like I have springs on my feet. I've been told 3 or 4 times that someone is envious or jealous of where I'm at, my car, what I'm doing in life or how god damn good I look. Interestingly these have also been some of the people who were the worst to me and who I disliked the most.

Ain't life, Aeris, karma, Car-ma a bitch.

~A.

 Song by Robin Thicke

I realized I'm bizarrely private about writing my blog. I couldn't even think about what to write with other people in the room. I just knew I wanted to write. It's different with Ryan though, and I think it's because we're happy just being together and not talking. I get so distracted being in a conversation and trying to write I get frustrated and lose track of both. As soon as they (yeah, you two) left the living room I grabbed the laptop to write. It wasn't always like this, but I think as my blog has gotten more personal and I get more into private details, I want to write in private until I'm ready to release that info. My posts are not always written the day they post. I even prewrite the ones about basketball and then wait to see if we win or lose and put in the details later once I know. Or I'll prewrite a post then add some current details or something. It's not like I go back and refine these or spellcheck them or edit them in any way. Sometimes they just sit as drafts until I feel like posting. But then I make them very public so I'm not sure why the writing process is so private lately.

I am thinking of doing a post of me, Ryan and P rambling about crap. It's a weird but interesting dynamic between us 3. P basically being the weird. :P I'm kinda afraid of where the conversation would go, knowing P he'd aim right for the juicy stuff. Most of it being stuff Ryan and I aren't ready to talk about.

I am so dejected from the last game and we've lost two in a row that the game tomorrow isn't registering too high with me. I'm also out of town for a home game so that sucks. But I've also got some heavy thoughts I'm working through so it may just be that. Ryan's staying home and watching it on TV since I won't be there, so he can text me updates along with all the other texts he sends. Today we've gone through...263 texts. We don't really like being apart. :P

Which leads to the whole him leaving thing. It's got us both pretty upset. And after being so burned after doing distance the last time...I'm not really feeling up to doing that again. And he thinks it's a bit unreasonable with the time difference and everything, we'd have to keep weird hours to stay in touch except by email because of our schedules. I guess we've both come to the same conclusion for different reasons, but neither one of us wants to say it or acknowledge it. He loves me, I love him...but love isn't everything...

I'm still mentally working through the crap that went down in my previous relationship and am still upset and hurt by some things. Now I have to come to terms with this guy who I want to pursue something with has to leave for a few months. And who knows what will be after that. Either one of us could meet someone closer and immediate...I know how THAT ends. I'm bracing for some really painful days ahead. Even acknowledging this is a bad situation is hard, I can't even say the obvious conclusion. Ignoring it won't make it go away...

When I leave here I'm going directly to his house and we'll face it together then. I just hope the high emotions don't become a negative situation with arguing and such. I'm pretty notorious for lashing out when upset. I chase people away when I'm upset...to protect me...Not always the best solution. I'm so hesitant to let someone close that when I get hurt I feel I need that person to go away for a bit until I see they're not out to destroy me and I get a chance to think things over.

P asked me in a text today if Ryan plays guitar since I have this very specific type of guy I tend to date. I told him Ryan plays Guitar Hero and I'm gonna let it count. :P

As my 5th class I wound up going with Sociology 101. A class I've been trying to avoid along with any form of social psychology. I'm just not even remotely interested and it's just basic psychology applied to a group of people. I guess I could learn a thing or two about society and social whatevers, but goddamn. I was doing just fine not knowing how fucked up the people around me are as a whole. Like I need any more reasons to dislike being around people.

I feel so conflicted right now. I'm trying to just go with my stream of consciousness but the whole Ryan situation keeps coming to the forefront and interrupting. Its a matter of what I know, what I believe, what I want and what I need. That sounds kinds lyrical, hmm.

I'm feeling like I'm just doomed as far as love goes. I'm glass hearted in the first place but to keep taking blows like this is brutal. It's not like a blind date didn't work out or something, these are major relationships that are falling apart. Of course, I'm so self critical my initial reaction is it is my fault which doesn't help my mindset.

I've been doing a lot of talking with my stepmom and it's been really interesting because we have two very different views. And we don't wind up arguing like me and my dad do. :P I definitely got his "hold your ground" attitude in discussion. It's actually been rather useful, unless I'm talking to him. :P

Life is so damn crazy, and mine is so up in the air right now. I wonder what all will fly away...

~A.