I've really got to stop having these philosophical discussions with girls in my classes. They just don't seem to end well.
So, we were doing group work in class the other day...actually, let me say a few things about group work first. This shit is the bane of my existence and college seems to love this shit. I'm smart. I know my shit. Inevitably I get paired with someone who does not. So I wind up doing the vast majority of the work and this knuckle dragging mouth breather gets a good grade because of me. If I don't, my grade is going to go into the gutter. I'm also not a fan of being forced to interact with someone I don't know. I get terribly uncomfortable. I don't like social interactions where I do not have control. So here I am doing all the work while having major anxiety, and the other person is chewing gum and texting or possibly just staring into space because they have nothing to contribute. Back to my story.
Yesterday I was paired up with this girl to do group work, and she sits by me in class usually. I've spoken to her a few times. She's actually SORTA trying to contribute, so that's cool, but she's not contributing the right information very often. Somehow I always manage to come off as polite and sociable to other people. I'm a really good faker, I guess. They feel like they can converse with me and make small talk.
So she does. She asks me what color of lipstick I'm wearing, because it's a great color. I inform her I'm wearing my standard Chapstick, the 100% natural line. She is like no way, there's no way your lips are that color. I kiss a piece of paper and prove it. She's totally shocked (?) and then stares at my face/eyes for a few seconds. I am not real happy about the eye contact. She comments that I'm not wearing ANY makeup. (she's got it on pretty thick, especially around her eyes and the black eyeshadow) I tell her I have no need or desire for makeup, sunscreen and chapstick are as fancy I get barring special occasions. She asks me if it was because I just didn't learn how to. So I explain to her (I've had this convo far too many times) I know how, I just don't. Waste of money and time, I have smooth clear skin anyways and heavy eye makeup just doesn't work for me. I don't feel a need to cover my imperfections or appear as something I'm not. She says back to me "but guys like it". So I tell her yeah, I doubt that and explain it nicely to her, but a little more bluntly here. That's false advertising, with fake lashes, makeup covering what your face looks like, eye makeup distorting what your face looks like and so on. How you see me out and about everyday is basically what I look like when I get out of bed, except my curly fro is somewhat more under control. I just like to be seen that way. She's trying to find a solid argument for makeup. I kinda like watching her try to think of something she can defend, you can see she is straining to do so. She comes up with "but it's part of being a grown woman". I then tell her that I must be a grown ass man then, because I don't do makeup.
She tries one last time, this time with a backhanded comment. She says I'm pretty, but I could really highlight and display it better with makeup. I'm starting to get pissed off, bad enough I have to do group work, now I gotta deal with this shit. So I get snarky. I tell her "well, if in order to highlight my attractiveness I have to display to the world I am not comfortable with myself the way I am by covering it up with makeup, I'll be right over here, being ugly as sin". I seriously wish I could have taken a picture of her face and how I basically just told her hey, way to be insecure. I almost laughed, but instead I smiled my "gotcha bitch" smile and went back to work. She got up and left the room shortly after, but left her stuff. I assumed she was gonna go be emo in the bathroom or something. I just tried to finish the damn assignment. She comes back about 10 minutes later.
She's washed off all of her makeup. She just sat down, and said "you're right". (Of course I am, this is just how the world works) She then makes some commentary about how she isn't as unattractive without makeup as she thought. (duh) I smile at her and say "see, don't you feel better without all crap on your face smearing everywhere?". She agrees then says this will save her 45 minutes in the morning. (Holy fuck, 45 minutes to put on makeup? I am showered, dressed and my backpack ready to go in 45 minutes.) I just tell her to use that time to sleep in a bit, her skin will thank her. I've finished the assignment at this point, so I let her copy over the answers. We turn it in and get to leave since we're done, and before we go different directions she turns to me and says "You know what Aeris, you're pretty cool and I like how you think, I'll see ya next class" and walks off.
See, I've always been the outsider, the weird one, someone who is not setting any trends. To have someone emulate me intrigues the fuck out of me. I'm not your typical coed undergrad. But I can fit in like I am.
I like not having to be just the outsider anymore. I get to be an insider too.
~A.
Well well. I've been posting multiple times a day rather often lately. Partly because I'll hammer something out on my Droid if I'm bored, but also because I just kinda feel "talkative". I've been in quite the good humor as of late, despite the bullshit, and the better my mood the more I tend to talk. Even verbally I've been uncharacteristically talkative, everyone thinks I'm up to something. I'm just happy, calm down :P
Despite the hospital visit Sunday, I really am in pretty high spirits. I emailed all of my professors and they've all been really wonderful about me being gone this week, even emailing me their lecture notes when applicable :) So I'm staying on top of school and enjoying the unexpected down time.
I'm also obsessing somewhat over the college apps. Not so much the details but on my decisions on where I go. See, both my 1st and safety school are kinda far away. On top of that I'll have a SHIT load of decisions to make depending on which school I go to. And even more explaining to do once word gets out of where I'm off to, even if it's my safety. It's the explaining I'm kinda not looking forward to.
As it stands I'm already getting grief just for being secretive, and in the couple of hours between the previous paragraph and this one I got a few more rations of shit. I feel like I'm just being picked on. I would have thought the people around me would understand where I'm coming from, that they would have just respected how I feel. But that's not how it is happening. I think it's best I just don't say another damn word about it until I get decisions, and even then I may not share with everyone. I don't feel like many would be happy for me or have anything positive to say. That's basically how I feel now. My previously high flying mood is now one of distress and near tears. No one gets it. No one gets ME. I can't name anyone who stands behind me on this 100%. Not one. That hurts.
I just want someone, just one person, to understand. To not criticize me and make me feel like less of a person, like I'm unable to make a good decision. To not treat me like I am an idiot. To just shut their fucking mouth and support me.
But I guess I do this one alone.
~A.
So, here's the story of what happened to me on Sunday that landed me in the ER.
I was taking Cy on a hot air balloon ride as one of his birthday gifts. We were cold, but having a lot of fun looking out over the city, playing I spy, and just enjoying the early morning view of the city from a hot air balloon. I felt absolutely fine.
At some point, judging by my pics the last I was conscious was over I-40, I had a grand mal (tonic-clonic) seizure. I don't remember blacking out. I was told later I just fell straight down to the bottom of the balloon basket and started seizing, violent twitching and everything. I don't know much about the time I was out. I do know I scared the fuck out of everyone else on the balloon ride. This was my first actual seizure EVER. I don't have a history and there was no way I could have predicted this. Which to me is the scariest part.
I remember starting to come to while laying at the bottom of the basket, and we landed shortly after I started coming around. I distinctly remember the bump when we hit the ground. I was very confused as to why I was laying on the bottom of the basket, I had no recollection of getting there. Cy was terrified. I had a shitload of amnesia when I first came to.
I was hauled out of the basket, onto a stretcher and into an ambulance, which had been waiting for us on the ground. Very blurry moments in my mind. While in the ambulance and trying to get an IV in me, they kept asking me questions. What's my name, what day is it, where am I, what had I been doing that morning (AKA balloon ride)...I did not know the answers. I knew 3 things, Cy's name, my mom's name and her phone number. Cy answered what he could and they called my mom who filled in the blanks. They told my mom I'd had a seizure and they were rushing me off to the hospital, she could meet us there. I am drifting in and out of consciousness, I remember just wanting everyone to shut the fuck up so I can go to sleep.
I only partially come to twice during the ambulance ride, I remember briefly looking around. I have severe amnesia at this point, I remember very little about myself or the world around me. I didn't even know what city or state I was in, where I went to school, what my major in college is...shit was straight scary. I basically did not know a damn thing about myself.
I drift in and out of consciousness some more, and at some point my mom comes in. It takes me a minute but I recognize her. She tells me no one can have fun around me, I could ruin a wet dream. I smile, at least she has a sense of humor about this. Slowly bits and pieces of my memory come back, Warren being one of the first. So I text him and tell him what's up. My mom is wondering who the fuck could I be texting. I tell her, she said I thought you two weren't speaking. I give her a quick "things change" and make it clear now isn't the time for this convo. They come in and tell me they need a urine sample to do a pregnancy test before they can do a CT scan. I get a bedpan shoved under my ass, but I don't have to pee. So I then get a fucking CATHETER shoved up my pee hole and they're shoving it in, out and around my bladder to find some pee, I can feel it poking the inside of my bladder and my peehole isn't real thrilled with the rough treatment. They also take a shitload of tubes of blood, at least 10. I get whisked off for a CT scan to check for brain damage/injury right after.
After the scan they come in and tell me my CT scan is normal and that I'm not pregnant. I roll my eyes at the doc apparently and make a remark well I'm glad they wrecked my peehole to find out, because my crotch hurts like all hell. I not only have an IUD, which has the same effectiveness as getting my tubes tied, but am on the pill to reduce the amount of bleeding each month because I'm getting very anemic because of how much I bleed. I couldn't get pregnant if I tried. My peehole STILL hurts and it still hurts to pee. Fucking hell.
I'm still drifting in and out of consciousness, and have a great deal of amnesia still. Eventually they come in to tell me they think my adderall caused it because they can't figure out what it is. I know that's not it but can't recall what I think it is. I'm fully awake but not entirely all there yet. My mom goes and get the car and takes us home, I am still having memory issues and lots of amnesia.
I get home and after my brother gives me a ration of shit, I go to my room and sleep. I've had a bit of a rough day and all. I sleep most of the day, I'm sure my body is making repairs. I do wake up every so often, and each time more of my memory comes back. Even two days later though, not everything is back. But I'm mostly here mentally.
I eventually remember what the most likely culprit is. I'm on bupropion, brand name Wellbutrin, for depression. It lowers the threshold for seizures, this is a well documented side effect. On top of that, your chances go up significantly if you take a single dose greater than 200 mg AND if you take more than 400 mg a day. Both of which I'm doing. So my chances were far greater than your "standard" rate of side effects. I'm also notorious for having some of the worst possible outcomes happen to me, I'm somewhat unlucky. So I'm not really THAT surprised I fucking had a seizure. The idea of my brain having it's own little electrical storm and frying some wiring really bothers me. I don't think there's permanent damage, but I worry about it. I kinda need my brain firing on all 12 cylinders. That's just a huge part of me.
Anyways, my family and friends got a good little scare from yours truly, but I should recover completely. The vast majority of my memory is back, and I'm sure the little pieces I'm missing will be back shortly.
There's never a dull moment with me.
~A.