Primordial Chaos

So it's 3 am on Thursday and my insomnia wandered back to torment me a couple of nights I've been here. I hate transient insomnia because I don't know when it'll come or go. So I took a drive and stopped to get some whole milk, because I only drink whole. I haven't been drinking it as much as I usually do, like a gallon every other day by myself, and I feel kinda yucky when I don't.

My last night/day here, I'm leaving Thursday evening to get back to ABQ to get my shit together for classes that start on Tuesday and Monday is a holiday so I gotta get it together on Friday. (Somewhere an english teacher is having a heart attack reading that.) I do not want to have to stand in line at the bookstore or anywhere else on Tuesday or later. That first week campus is so crowded...then the slackers drop and the rest of us can get to work. :P Despite the fact this semester is not an exciting semester classwise, besides maybe the upper level Alcoholism psych class, I'm still pretty excited to go back to school. Monday night I will not be able to sleep because I'll be so excited, my clothes laid out and bookbag packed that night so I'm ready to go Tuesday morning. I'm tragically nerd. Hardcore nerd. But I make it look good. ;)

Speaking of looking good, I had a shocking realization today. (No it's not that I'm not a boy.) Let me make a very complicated story shorter. I lost a lot of weight (about 90 fucking pounds), then held steady at 165-175, my ideal range for me and I wore a size 14 jean, one size larger than my actual size, a 12. Despite my junk food bingeing and all night video game marathons while I slept all day, I've gone a bit below my range. I'm about 153 currently. I weighed like 150 or so in high school and wore a size 10-12. Since I hate clothes shopping, I guessed my size when I bought a pair of jeans yesterday...because the ones I'd brought with me to Oklahoma became annoyingly too big and I hate wearing a belt. I guessed a 12, thinking I'm a 10 since I'm close to my high school weight and like my jeans a size larger. I was dead wrong. I wound up taking them back today because I was swimming in them. So now I had to actually try shit on to find my size, so that going forward I can just grab what I want then checkout instead of the clothes shopping ordeal women love and hate (More on that later). I'm thinking some vanity sizing shit is going on, where companies say something is a size 10, but really is a 12 or 14. Of course, women will buy the brand that gives them the lowest size and continue to do so cause the other brands think they're fat or whatever. So I look for my "base" size then go one up for jeans but use the base everywhere else, dresses, khakis, whatever. Since I'm trying shit on anyways, I might as well get it all done while I'm there and figure out what my new size is. A few pairs of pants later, I have my base size. A size 6. I have never been a size 6 in all of my years from puberty at about age 13 forward. It was a size for the popular girls or models of some sort or whatever. It was not an Aeris size, Aeris at a 10-12 was considered a plus size. (Isn't the average like 14? Whatever.) So, I grab a pair of 8s in talls since I go one size bigger. I'm thinking wow, they're really being dishonest about the sizing nowadays to sell clothes. There's no way I am a size 6. None. No fucking way. The jeans fit great, just how I like them, but I need to go find my real size or take an average across brands or whatever. I'm so serious when I say I HATE clothes shopping. I don't like trying things on, I don't like the whole is my ass too fat game you play with the dressing room mirror, I don't like other women trying to bond with me by talking about how the mirrors aren't very flattering or whatever. So, again, since I'm out, I'll go figure out what my size is because I need to go pants shopping...again...sometime soon. There's a store right next door that carries many different brands of jeans, so I go over there, grab a size 6 of a few different brands, then go into the dressing room. The one pair that did NOT fit was because it was too big. The rest fit just like the other size 6 in the other store. I apparently have this confused and lost look on my face because the girl asked me how she could help. I asked her to take my measurements so I can find out what size I need to buy. She does, and she tells me a size 6 in tall. I now have my measurements so I pull out Alexandroid (god that name is clever) and google search the "standard" sizing. I feel like I'm being bs'ed.

I really am a fucking size 6. For the first time like ever my shoulders are actually wider across than my hips. I really don't know why I'm dropping weight. Women who read this are going to be like "oh boohoo poor you, you're a size 6 while you eat junk food all day". I'm not entirely complaining. I am entirely stunned. I wouldn't even know that I'd dropped so low pound wise if I didn't have the habit of weighing myself every day then throwing it into an excel file to graph and calculate different amounts.

Despite being minus some hips/butt, I look fantastic though. Still hour glass shaped, still rocking sleek and toned abs, still slacking on my arm strength...but a size 6. I weigh less, am about the same height and wear a smaller size than Tyra Banks, who is much better to look at than listen to. :P And she was always one of my ideas of beauty, because the girl had some fucking curves instead of these boy looking flat chested white women looking like heroine addicts. I showed up here in Oklahoma wearing a sorta form fitting Lobos sweater and these black skin tight yoga pants, the first comments said were about how good I look, I look like I've been running, and how I really am built like a sprinter with my large but not obscene leg muscles. (I told you I was :P) It wasn't until I had to try crap on and find a size that fits did I realize just how much weight I'd loss both previously and recently, just how much my body has changed and gotten sleeker, stronger, more powerful...and how my confidence has been going up too. I kinda can't believe I didn't get it till now, but I also hadn't really tried on clothes till today. Previously if the pants were too big, I'd just go get a belt, didn't take em back, didn't try more on or anything. If they were too small I kept them thinking they might come in handy later. I never knew my size. Now that I do, it makes clothes shopping easier but my idea of me is a bit more complicated. I still saw myself as fatter than I was and I accepted and grew used to that idea of me, that I was whatever size I guessed I was and it was always going to be larger than what people try to sell as ideal.

What this means as far as self image is the image is definitely better, but I also see how self critical I am/was. That alone is a huge thing for me to process, that I'm far different than I perceive myself. By adding P and Ryan to thi blogs, I was trying to get a new perspective of me that isn't so self critical. This kind of kicked me in the face that I AM really hard on myself. That I just immediately thought no way and dismissed the idea of me doing better than I see me doing. This actually has me kind of upset. I'm mischief in size 10 converse...but the only person I'm really an asshole to is me.

To back track to my comment about clothes shopping and women loving and hating it, to me it is the most bizarre paradox. Dressing rooms aren't exactly private, and I can overhear women out shopping with their friends griping about their fat ass, or there's no way she's gained two sizes or how the lights, mirror, the clothing cut or fabric is unflattering. I hear the comment "god clothes shopping is so depressing seeing my fat ass in the mirror". It blows my mind. But a lot of women love to shop for clothes. Every weekend an afternoon with the girlfriends trying on the latest whatever. Then bitching about it. The fuck is wrong with them?

Even better is it's the women about size 10-16, healthy average sizes, who bitch the most. Not the much larger sized women, who I'd think were doing it. If it's a younger woman about my age, give or take 5 years, then it's the size 4-10 who bitch the most because they're not a size 0. To use Tyra again, she's a size 8-10. People called her FAT. Her talk show isn't great, but goddamn, really? That's fat? Now these nimrods think they're fat because if people shaped like Tyra are fat then they must be REALLY fat.

Christ. Yeah yeah, I'm a slim size 6, what grounds do I have to criticize? At my heaviest, almost ONE HUNDRED pounds more than I weight right now, I was a size 24. That means I was an extra FOOT AND A HALF wide at my braline, waist, and hips. All 3 were 18 inches more than what I am now. Go measure out 18 inches. That blew my mind. Still does. I was a foot and a half wider than I am right now...wow.

My point being that I busted my sweet little ass to get my weight under control. To have these women my size complain how fat they are makes me irritated. On NO planet, universe, alternate timeline or whatever will you catch me bitching about being a size 6. They don't know what being fat is. I was fucking OBESE. Kinda hard to see me that way, yeah? It's true. There are pics. They are NOT getting posted, btw. It kinda feels like everything I did and sacrificed and all the self control I used are...cheapened. Like my whole effort was nothing special, like I accomplished nothing because size 6 is still "fat".

Why the fuck do you need your friends to go clothes shopping? So you can be insecure together and reinforce each other's insecurities? Fucking shit. I know there have been other, much larger women trying on clothes now feeling extra bad about themselves since apparently a size 10 is really fat and they're trying on clothes in the size 20s. I used to be one of them. I've been on that side of this, overhearing how a size 10 is like really fat and she really wants to try and be a size 2 while I'm Whale McLardass. Being that person SUCKS. Being that person who lost a whale's turd worth of weight to get from a 24 to a 6 and hear women still complaining that's fat is really fucking irritating because you know what being fat is like, and even just what being fat is.

I dislike women because they like to be stupid in herds. (If they think they're cows then hell, we'll call them cows) They reinforce each other's stupid and I've figured out presenting them with facts and logic will never change their twisted view. It's part of their idea of success. These are the women my brother likes to hook up with, specifically blondes. At least they serve some purpose.

After spending a few days in my hometown where I grew up, I realized something. This place used to be everything I knew. Now it's something I don't know. The classmates who I "know" I don't really know. I know these people as jackass kids, that's the last I saw of them. Supposedly they grew up into adults. I don't know adult them. But considering all the people who have recognized me and talked to me wanting to reminisce about high school, adult them can't let go of those days so they haven't come far from being jackass kids. Some actually turned into jackass adults. The businesses and buildings I knew I don't know anymore. Don't know my former high school either, just that it looks A LOT smaller now than I remember it, interesting because I was almost 2 inches taller then. I really don't know Mustang anymore. That surprised me, really. But all considering, I don't think I want to know it anymore. Seems to be a soulsucking trap.

I'm mentally and physically faster, better and stronger now instead of what most would consider their best years, late teens early 20s. I'm noticing I'm standing pretty alone that way amongst my former peers, who harassed and teased me for all sorts of reasons. I kind of wonder what they were thinking when they said hi to me and recognized me. When a former classmate was parked next to me and I see him, his wife and their kids get out of a minivan, looking middle aged already...overweight, haggard and lots of gray hair...I'm bouncing out of Blueshift like I have springs on my feet. I've been told 3 or 4 times that someone is envious or jealous of where I'm at, my car, what I'm doing in life or how god damn good I look. Interestingly these have also been some of the people who were the worst to me and who I disliked the most.

Ain't life, Aeris, karma, Car-ma a bitch.

~A.