So, after crybabying and lurking in my room all evening, after I made the previous post I felt better and got up to eat something since I hadn't eaten all day. I received a letter that REALLY cheered up my mood:
(Edited out my id number and Lobo id because if someone stumbles across them they can really do some damage, better safe than sorry.)
Now I was already on their other Honors list, it's like a dean's list for psych majors. This is their research Honors they're inviting me to.
Aeris, the student who carries five SIX honors to her name.
A few months ago my doctor put me on birth control (I already have an IUD) because I was becoming anemic once a month due to my period and it was causing some vitamin deficiencies, serious fatigue and concentration issues and was just generally god damn miserable. My only issue now is my biotin level is quite a bit lower than previously, but I had been taking large amounts of biotin supplements to speed up hair growth, something I have since stopped, meaning that's accounted for. So, everything is good, I'm not bleeding half to death once a month, bloodwork is great, etc.
Except now I get HORRIBLY HORMONAL during my period. And I mean horribly. I can't take ANYTHING well, my moods swing like I'm bipolar and I've noticed this is also the same time I get realllllllllllly irrational and upset about dumb shit. I mention this because that's exactly where I am now, and I fucking hate it. I also mention this as a SEVERE WARNING everything I'm about to write about stems from that mindset, however because it is clogging up my neural pathways and causing my already disturbed limbic system (part of the brain involved with emotion) to become completely disrupted, it's gotta come out and this IS my mental toilet so it's going here. Besides, nothing quite counts as pure shit like these thoughts anyways. I'm struggling with myself over this bullshit and keeping it to myself is basically torturing me. I'm so serious, do not read on if you worry about me easily or your name is Warren. I'm fine, I see this crap is irrational, but that doesn't make it go away. Neither will this, but it won't be hijacking my fucking mind either.
I'm emotionally sensitive. Always have been, always will be. I often refer to myself as glass-hearted. I feel things much more strongly than others. I fucking hate this. I hate being a softie and I see this as a major weakness in regards to who Aeris is. Other people can be emotionally sensitive and it works for them. I don't fucking understand my emotions in the first place and to have them run the extremes is completely frustrating to me. I generally withdraw from others in a severe way when I feel like I do now, which is excessively sensitive because I'm hormonal. But to do shit differently, I'm going to admit how I feel and what I'm thinking TO other people and NOT withdraw from others, although I know the rafts of shit I'll get from a few individuals. I'll deal with those as they come, I'm not going to fucking deny shit to make other people happy.
This is me facing one of the more unpleasant aspects of myself instead of running away. This is me as I feel RIGHT NOW, regardless of my cognizance that these trains of thought are self-destructive and useless. I still feel like this and am thinking these things, and regardless of the rational (or lack thereof) that they stem from, this is still my current state. I don't like this and even as I write this I am thinking of doing what I always do, go into hiding until it passes and torment myself with fucked up thoughts.
The thing about fucked up thoughts is simple. They're like spit. Spit's totally cool when it's in your mouth, but to spit in a cup and think about drinking it is just fucking gross. But you don't realize it's gross until it comes out. You don't realize how off base fucked up thoughts are until you take them out of your head and then look at them. That's my goal here. Instead of internalizing the horrible ways I feel, I'll spit them out, so to speak, and see why they're meritless. Everyone who reads this is just coming along for the ride, unless you listened to me if you fall into the 2 categories of people I told to NOT READ THIS. If you're reading it anyways, note that going beyond this point I am not responsible for your reaction and don't want to hear any bullshit about offending you or you're concerned I've gone an unhealthy type of crazy or you think I'm psychotically depressed or whatever. I'm just fucking hormonal and all of this will pass within a few days unless you bring me some drama or bullshit about it. I mean this so seriously I'd prefer you not test me about it, though I can name 2 who will. If you read this and part of it upsets you or causes you concern, fuck you I told you not to you moron. End of last warning. I am fairly sure these are super extreme versions of doubts I have about myself and insecurities I do have. But these versions are fucking horrible.
So, I'm beating myself up over all kinds of shit. First of all, I'm completely convinced I did terrible on my tests and papers. I already know I got an 88 on one of my tests, and it was the hardest one. I also already know from class discussion and being told by professors that all of my papers were on point and even "explored beyond the obvious creatively but logically" (quote from a prof). However, I'm still convinced I did terrible on my papers and tests. I never said I had to make sense. I'm so upset by how "terrible" I did I had thoughts that I have no business being in school, I'm not as smart as I think I am, I'll never reach my goals, I should just leave school because I'm a fucking moron....you get the idea. These are just thoughts and I'm aware enough to see they're ridiculous, but that doesn't change the emotional aspect I feel. I am tearing myself up over this crap.
Also along academic lines I'm completely convinced I won't get into any of the schools I applied for that are somewhat hard to get into. I think I'm a fucking moron right now and can't imagine why a college would want me. Again, I'm convinced I bombed my papers, so I'm also convinced I can't write for dog shit and that the essays I think are so stellar are actually more along the lines of the worst shit I've ever written. Also brutalizing myself over my GPA. I think because it's so "low" (3.46) that this also indicates I'm a fucking idiot. For some reason I think I'd need a 3.7 or higher for anyone to even bother considering me. Despite my transcript CLEARLY showing my GPA skyrocketing from Spring to Fall, and despite that Spring semester being the one bringing down my GPA, important to note because that was also my first semester in this sort of academic environment and adjusting was difficult, despite I pulled a fucking 3.75 last semester, despite honors out of my ass, I still think I'm a fucking moron and no college would take a second look, and possibly not even a first, at me. Cognitively, again, I see it's bullshit. Emotionally, I can't.
I gained 2 pounds, all of which is most likely water bloat from my period, and I'm beating myself up that I'm turning into a lardass again, that I'm completely unattractive, that hey look once again I get something right by losing weight and now I'm screwing it up, probably because I AM a screw up. I've also been running less, simply because with all those papers and tests I didn't have time to do a bunch of running, and now I'm convinced I'm a quitter, I can't stick with anything, and it's more proof I'm a screw up.
Even better, I keep having thoughts that even though I have a strong cognizance none of this is true, that's just my arrogance and ego talking and the whole reason I feel bad is because there's truth to it. God, those are awful moments. I've found putting my headphones on and listening to music ends those thoughts really fucking quick, thank god.
Now this section, this is the worst part for me, the most distressing and upsetting. The others I can fight through and deal with one way or another. When THESE thoughts start, I'm under a blanket being hysterical for about 15 mins. I haven't found a way to get through these quickly and rationally. Mostly because I really have no cognizance to the contrary and even not hormonal I believe there's some truth to these. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm saying these are the fucking toughest for those 2 reasons AND because they concern my Achilles' heel, Warren. (I know you didn't listen to me and you're reading this, and I'm seriously telling you you shouldn't read any further or you'll be pissed off at me.)
(You didn't listen, did you? Stubborn ass.)
Heh, I didn't realize this shit would be so hard to admit. Even though this isn't my constant mindset, it's really hard that I think like this at all, ever, for any reason. I keep hesitating on just writing it, but internalizing it isn't good because it gets worse. But admitting it kinda sucks too. I'm so confident and secure usually and most people see me that way, to reveal myself in a state very much not so isn't easy. I'm not proud of these thoughts and I don't like them. However, they exist currently in their extremist state. *sigh* One day I'll accept I'm a flawed human being and that's ok. Today, I just get to reveal doubts turned into demons. I'm stalling myself, so here goes.
Alright. My situation with Warren is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. Especially on my end, because I'm insecure and crazy, basically. I also get the shitty end of the stick, and my ego totally doesn't like this. Throw in some hormones and this just fucking sucks. We're best friends, and that's an absolute. We can't be without each other, another absolute. I'm consumed with envy and jealousy, yet another absolute (only slightly tongue in cheek). Here's the (shitty) deal (*note, all perspectives from me are from hormonal me, and are NOT my general feelings, though based on them and/or doubts I have). I'm in love with my best friend. Despite my delusions otherwise, not a two way street. Throw in he's dating someone and I feel like shit, like I'm gonna throw up out of distress kind of feeling like shit. What are my options? Have him in my life or not. I keep him in, I feel upset and sad because I'm not "it" and start doubting every fucking aspect of myself and what is "wrong" with me, why am I defective to the point of unsuitable. I toss him out, I feel sad and upset I don't have him in my life and that by tossing him out I HURT him. Therefore, I just wind up feeling conflicted. It SUCKS. It just fucking straight sucks. I also just feel insecure, something increased by orders of magnitude by my feeling insecure about the aforementioned bullshit. This does not brew happy thoughts, and small things become sources of distress. For example, let's take one I'm going through as I fucking write this. If I don't hear from him for hours at a time during the evening, I assume why the fuck would he think of me since he's probably out having fun with (AKA fucking) someone else. To really fuck my own head up, I also think well, because I get so emotional/jealous/insecure at certain times that usually correspond to my crotch bleeding, why the fuck would he ever want to deal with that regularly, at least now he can shut me out and have someone he does want to spend time with. Which makes me more emotional/jealous/insecure. Awesome. So I somehow, and I'll even admit I'm doing exceptionally poorly, have to fight through those feelings of wanting to kick him out of my life and yet somehow be ok with him not wanting me the same way I want him. I can't fall out of love with him. Tried. Often and many times under different circumstances. I just straight love him and always will. Another absolute. I don't want anyone else, I can't think of anyone else, I don't need anyone else. But I want, think of and need him. I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to just go with things and not get wrapped up like this, but when I get to feeling heartbroken, sometimes I just have to fake being cool with everything and go hurt when we're not interacting. Like right now I'm completely heartbroken. Just feel sick and hurt in ways I can't explain. Tears me apart and completely puts me out of badass commission. I've been laying in bed for almost SIX HOURS at this point, just feeling awful and trying to keep my shit together and read for class, but doing more crying and napping instead. I tend to sleep A LOT when I'm distressed. My brain is just like, alright, you need to be unconscious for a bit and try to sleep some time away. When I get test anxiety I get drowsy too.
Anyways, my point being that I'm so lost, so confused....and probably so in denial about the situation when I don't have estrogen poisoning. When I DO have estrogen poisoning, I become very aware of my situation start a dead run towards mindfucking myself unhappy. I HATE HATE HATE myself for all of this. I hate myself for not being able to get a grip, I hate myself for not being able to change how I feel, I hate myself for obsessively thinking about this shit, I hate myself for not being a bigger person. I feel trapped, I feel like I can't win and won't ever win, and what the fuck was I smoking to think he'd want me that way or ever be with me. I don't know what to do, I just goddamn don't. I don't even understand what the hell is going on or how I feel. I don't understand why getting so hormonal makes me take my doubts and insecurities to fucking extremes and hurt myself over them. I feel like I don't understand anything!!!! I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!
You know, if I didn't know I was smart, if I didn't know I could write, if I didn't know what kinds of students I'm competing against with college apps, if I didn't know how he really feels, I could lie to myself or I could just be completely unaware.
Ignorance is bliss. And I'm fucking miserable. Cramps and mood swings don't make good company with misery.
I clear my mind here, basically. It's my mental toilet.
My definition of chaos up above describes me rather well. Fertile with possibilities and a future source of order and greatness...I'll get there eventually. This is me documenting parts of my journey.
