Primordial Chaos

Van Hunt - Character. Let it out, let it go, hold back the tears no longer, let them fall on the floor, not on your will to be stronger. I seriously love Van Hunt. Hidden Charm being my most often quoted Van Hunt song, this one is a very close second. I'm pretty sure I could put together a CD that gives you a good idea of a lot about me made purely from Van Hunt songs.




So, I left my damn Droid in my car for the game last night. I REALLY wanted to get pics and vid of the game last night, because it was supposed to be this super intense game. Yeah...no. We chewed them up. We won by 15, 90-75 (the twitter message said 73 as my twitter message but it was 75). Texas Tech is another ranked team, so this is a great win for us. We're 13-1 now. We have our off nights, but really this year's team is amazing. Plus home games get me out of the house. :P Man, the Pit was something else last night too. The energy in there was just wild. There were these two guys by me that were yelling at the Texas Tech fans all damn night and it was pretty funny. They obviously did not realize what it means when you are at the Pit and you are a fan of the visiting team. First it means you sit by section 26. Second it means you are within hearing range of section 26. Third it means you had better not be surprised by profanity directed at you. They were completely offended before 6 minutes into the first half. First our usual dissing the visiting team during introductions...then section 26 being section 26. Of course the game was televised, and for reasons beyond me they kept the cameras away from section 26. :P Last night there were two guys shirtless and they'd painted them selves completely white then in red Go Lobos and other team spirit stuff. If I ever decide to show up half naked and covered in paint, I'll fit right in. *laughs*

As I mentioned before, the Lobos were completely written off by everyone at the start of the season but we're kicking major ass. I LOVE stories like that. Where someone/something is just written off, put down, ignored...but they come back shocking the shit out of everyone. I love it when the underdogs win. I think part of it is I feel like the underdog more often than not. I also tend to like movies where the bad guys win. Because in the real world, they do. I guess that's why I have a hard time getting into a lot of movies. I have to suspend reality so damn much. I'm that person who points out the bullshit science in movies. I have a very hard time not seeing things as I know them to be. This is also why writing stories about fantasy or sci fi and those type genres is rather difficult for me. Something to work on, I guess. Though I kinda like being very grounded in reality. I know plenty of people who seem to live in suspended reality and they need a good slap of common sense.

So, I've definitely been slacking off the past few days. Playing video games and eating LARGE amounts of junk food with my bro. I sometimes feel bad I'm not doing anything productive, just so used to the grind and always being busy I guess. At the same time though, it's been great bonding time with Jess so it's not totally time pissed away. We're always joking and laughing and talking shit. Despite us basically binging on junk food for about 2 weeks, we've both LOST weight. Keep in mind we're not running, not going outside in the damn cold, sitting around playing video games, eating and sleeping. I freely admit I have been the worst and have eaten the most by a long shot. I ate a whole blueberry pie and half a cherry on Christmas, Jess ate the other half of the cherry :P. Cookies, candy, snack foods, ice cream...whatever I felt like eating. Jess lost 2.5 pounds, and I've lost 4.3 pounds. We're both baffled, and we tried 3 different scales, all said the same damn thing. We've decided this is the BEST DIET EVER. Video games, sleep and junk food. Jess said "We should have gained at least 3 pounds each. Damn we're weird". I simply replied "Yeah, but we are total win for it".

Since it's the end of the year and I have a little too much free time, I've been doing a lot of self evaluation and reflection about 2009. My world is strikingly different from what it was a year ago. Hell, I'm strikingly different than a year ago. I've learned a lot, some of it the hard way. I've also grown a lot as a person. Wised up a little bit too about how to approach certain things. Admitted to myself and others some of the flaws I have and try to hide. I learned in a really brutal way that I never win trying to be a people pleaser or trying to be everything to everyone or even someone. That shit stops. I need to take a bit more care of me and making me happy. No one else is going to do it. I learned that too. No one else is going to make me happy, that's on me. Need to remember and reinforce that.

Not even going to bullshit you, 2009 was a god damn struggle every inch of the way. Struggling with myself, adapting to being at UNM, helping my mom out after her accident and basically being in charge for a while till she got better, struggling with the exact direction I'd like to take to get to where I want to be, made some hard decisions, struggled with my weaknesses but conquered a few...but the worst was losing 3 friends who were the closest people to me. I lost 2 to death and one to...something. That was 3 MASSIVE blows to me that even still torment me a bit. My only option is to take what I learned from them and charge forward. That doesn't fill the hole or ease the hurts. Time does that.

That's something I mastered this year, I think. Charging forward even when shit goes wrong. I got forced to a few times over and I'm definitely different for that. Stronger, I'd say. Things get better when you keep going. Things always suck if you let bad times trap you down. I realized that I am strong enough to keep going and be successful even if something gets a good hit on me. I never ever thought I was till this year.

I learned a lot about what it is I really want instead of what I think will make my life happy. I definitely learned how to tell if something or someone is one or the other. I look back and go "Whoa, what the FUCK was I thinking? Why the hell did I do that or respond that way or make that choice or let myself get so deep into something I had a shitty time getting myself out of?". I fucked up a few times this year, I know. The lessons learned though were hugely important. I tend to learn things the hard way. However, I also tend to be a bit wiser and smarter overall than others so I guess it works out.

I realized I'm a lot more badass than I previously thought. If I turn on my resolve, I'm pretty unstoppable. I used to always back down at every criticism or negative comment or change my direction or take such things as a symbol of I'm failing somehow. Man, some people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. A lot of things like that are just outside noise. I can kinda shut some of it out now, and I hope to get better at that. I no longer stop in my tracks and change what I'm doing because of shit like that. It still bothers me pretty bad, but I keep going forward and I do so with a good bit of faith in myself. The doubts creep in my mind and linger there, and sometimes they even upset me, but that's as far as it gets now.

Physically, I'm stronger and quicker too. Beginning of 09 I couldn't do a push up or a pull up...couldn't run a mile in under 9-10 minutes if I could run one at all. I can do both a pull up and a push up with one arm...either arm, not just my preferred left. If I'm doing just one mile, my average time is 6 minutes 13 seconds. That's pretty fucking quick. My reflexes are way faster too. I'm looking rather toned all over and I'm quite proud of my abs. I've always thought that in me there was a strong person, but now I look the part and feel even stronger. My confidence is rapidly approaching excessive too. :P I don't care, I'm proud of all the good ways I've changed. Plus I can back it up. ;)

There's so much that's changed about me in the past year that I am sure I'm not even aware of all of it. going forward, there's more I'd like to work on, and 2010 is my year for that. :) I want to understand and control my emotions a little better. I want to listen more often to my instincts. My main goal for 2010 though is to figure out more about who I am. My preferences, friends, family, accomplishments, failures, status and opinions are not the definition of who I am like I've always thought they were. My experiences and lessons learned help define who I am as do my strengths. I want to go explore a little more on my own. I promised myself 2 vacations where I go somewhere new, within the US or even not. It's also pretty likely I'll be striking out completely on my own later in 2010 and probably somewhere where I do not know anyone. Before such an idea would fucking put me into fear, but it's really kind of exciting to me now. I believe there is a lot to learn from such an experience. A lot I NEED to learn. I'd be building my world from absolute nothing but me. It would force me into trying new things. I like that. I think how I approach and go about that will reveal or reinforce a lot about who the fuck I am and what I'm made of. When shit hits the fan though, I know that even if they're not close by, I have one of the best damn team of cheerleaders rallying behind me.

Tomorrow I'll post my actual resolutions, which are some set goals relevant to what I want to accomplish overall.

The day after that is a basketball game, and you'll hear all about it. :) More importantly though, it's the first day of 2010, and therefore my first steps into being a better person this time next year.