Primordial Chaos

...until tomorrow when I start to miss you. From my song Never Again Until Tomorrow. I miss him a lot right now....

Today has been a very odd day, at least for me. Granted it was a Friday the 13th, but still. My blogs have been the vast majority of the personal writing I've been doing lately, my creativity has hit a terrible wall. Today though, I was on my game like I haven't been in a long time.

More specifically, I wrote two songs today, and had both completed lyrics and music in a total of 3 hours. Now, some background into how I wound up writing two songs, and basically what they're about.

I made myself do something difficult today. I listened to every single one of the songs I have of W singing and playing guitar. I also went and read through some of our conversation logs over AIM. Before just the thought of doing so brought me to tears. Today, it made me smile, really big. REALLY BIG. Just to follow the ebb and flow of our relationship, whatever it was, was wonderful. Some really beautiful things were said between us, and even whole entire conversations just blew me away at how much we were in step with each other.

Does he hate me currently? I'll bet. Does he miss me? Yeah no. I'm ok with that. I do feel I personally lost something and someone wonderful. Despite some of the really fucked up shit that happened...after reading back and seeing when things were good and we weren't so damned serious and/or jealous...I miss that very deeply. I think I always will. Especially the laughing with him on the phone. I think about that at least once a day, I miss that more than anything else ever. I went through and dredged up a bunch of feelings and emotions by reading those logs, but I did so because I wanted to write a song about them, to perserve them as not just words. I wound up with two completely finished...and 5 more I'm trying to decide if they're workable or not. Even if they're shit, at least it's somewhere to funnel some of the madness.

Before I go into the two songs themselves, I want to talk about something that's come up in a few discussions I've had with others about stuff I say here. I am very painfully aware of how I seem to oscillate between missing him, hating him, adoring him and giving off a I'm glad he's gone vibe. Whatever I write is what I am feeling right as I write that, and I am definitely no constant as far as emotions go. I used to tell him all the time I could never decide if I wanted to call his name or curse it, and that's still an absolute truth. If you want the overall average of how I feel, I miss him and think of him a couple of times a day. Despite the stupid fucked up shit that went on, the way we became something we weren't...something that didn't work for us as far as the roles we played were...the fighting, the tantrums, the anger, the jealousy...my experience with him was, and I mean this, life changing. I am really unhappy things went so far wrong and we're no longer in touch. It doesn't matter why, or who was most at fault, or who deserves the blame or whatever. I don't care. I'd give up many things to have him back as my best friend...because only now do I see what I had. You don't miss your water till the well runs dry, I guess. I'd give up Alexandroid, even. Nothing I have is worth more to me than him. I will always look back fondly on all the fun we had...and even now the bad times are becoming very quickly forgotten...as they always have been. I'm just so frustrated he's gone. I just wish we had another chance to try and figure out what the fuck happened and get back to all the fun we had. I just want to hear him laugh again...

Anyways, there's my pensive rant about that. Though I just started missing him a little more...I've gone on a couple of lunch dates with this guy here in ABQ who recently moved from NC. Like every other thing I say goes over his head, he doesn't get it. I sent him a joke over text message that W would have fucking loved...this goof didn't get it. I just had to explain it twice...now I miss having someone who got my weird but intellectual sense of humor. Christ. I told him I don't want to see him again over text message just now. I can't deal with someone who can't keep up with me mentally, including vocabulary.

Ok, back to the songs/music before I get all emotional. Now, one of my songs I've previously written, That Sunday Afternoon (I'll Never Forget) is about this phone call I made to him in hysterics...and he calmed me down, made me laugh, and taught me what the hell trailer park pizza is. Trailer park pizza became something treasured between us because of that phone call. I'm going to say it was probably the most special moment we shared. Everything between us changed after that. It still means the world to me, hence the song about it. It's my favorite to play because it's very light hearted and fun.

Now, the two I wrote today are more intense and are more...hm, I guess serious? But still very much about me and him and/or based on me and him and more blatantly so than other songs. The titles are What I'd Do To Protect You From Me and High Voltage. Protect You is about a few conversations we had about our flaws, weaknesses, how the other is strong in areas we are weak, how our demons haunt us...and the title comes from him telling me he was trying to protect me from his darker side. At one point the effort he made to keep me from his bad moods was so great, so impressive...that I felt honored to mean that much to him. Basically, the gist of the song is what lengths someone would go to protect a loved one from their darker side. In the song, this includes taking yourself away from them to protect them, to allow them to move on to something better because you love them so much you think they deserve it. It's written like it was a letter written by someone who made that choice, and they're trying to tell the other person why and how it hurts now, but it won't hurt later, something they can't guarantee if they stay. Protect You is also the first song I've written where the meaning, motivation, and inspiration behind it is very defined and clear.

High Voltage is insanely personal, but only he and I would get it. Again, depending on your personal circumstance, the meaning shifts, unless you're me. I think it's the most clever of my songs because of just how personal what I reveal is, but unless you were part of the situation, it will seem like just some song. The overall idea is about two very strong willed people who have gone from being in harmony to having major dissonance, and how the other person feeds their discordant temperament until both reach a point where they're not just hurting the other but also themselves. The chorus is about how high do they really wanna push the "voltage" of their relationship, because if things keep going as they are, the shock of their life is impending and "who knows how much of you will die when the lightning strikes". (In personal experience, the answer is A FUCKING LOT.)

I need to go run, my heart's a little sore right now.

~A.