I took off my glasses briefly because my eyes were watering (I'm sick with something), and I set them right where you see in the picture. This image struck me, so I took a pic of it. I can't really tell you why it struck me. I set it as my desktop background too. There's just something about this picture that is really getting to me. Is it the empty page in one of my many notebooks? Is it the juxtaposition of the pen and paper? The way my glasses imply a level of nerdiness and intelligence? That I should be writing? Should I be writing? Does the world need my voice? I don't know, that picture triggers A LOT of thoughts.
Between posting my other post from today and now, I realized two things. I have to write a page 4. It just became mission critical. These 3 pages are a start to my impending future, there will most likely be even more pages. It's not done, not yet. These pages are NOT easy writing. Some of the most difficult writing I've ever done lies in these pages, and I mean difficult mentally, difficult in style, difficult technically. The second thing I realized is that writing is an absolute must if I plan to go through with my secret. In a way, I will write part of my own fate. But I have to write, I have no choice unless I back down from this. And I can't do that. If I do decide to back down, the regrets would eat me alive. The path forward isn't much easier.
Use my words. I hope they don't fail me.
~A.
I'm terrible about updating this. Just plain terrible. I get so distracted by so many other things that I'm just like, yeah, the blog's not a priority. But it should be. I get to write for an audience, and I get to dump some of the choas and trains of thought running through my mind so I have room for other crap that's infinitely more important. I'll try to be better. Try.
Try is the key word because I have finals in about 2.5 weeks. Starting next week all hell is going to break loose academically. I'm kind of excited about finals, but at the same time I'm freaking out on if I know my stuff or not. Reading, re-reading, taking new notes, reviewing old ones, etc., are probably going to become a daily thing. I need to start now, I'm not going to do that cramming crap cause it doesn't work. I'm psychologically linked to the tattoos on my forearms. When shit gets bad, the spiritual strength one (right arm) does this ache/itch thing, when I need some confidence in my mental ability, the intellectual power (left arm) does the ache/itch thing. I know life's really bad when both do it. It's only happened once. So I'm sure that whole finals week my left arm is going to be on fire. It's comforting, in a way. I know that's kind of strange, but I'm kind of strange so you shouldn't be THAT surprised.
To be perfectly honest, part of why I am writing this is I am sick as hell laying in bed, and kind of bored. I like writing, so I figured I'd write here, since I hadn't in awhile. Having a fever when it is 80+ outside is miserable. Yuck.
On AIM I have been writing these long ass away messages, just because. It's kind of my mini-blog, I guess. I wrote an away message today I want to post here, for those of you that don't use AIM.
Here goes:
I have pages of handwritten items. I have no less than 30 notebooks and some 53 binders full of stories and such I've written. I have a disdain for almost all of it. However, the story that does touch my heart lays within the 3 handwritten pages in turquoise ink that lay before me as I write this. I would burn the rest, but I could never burn these 3 damned pages. I have many stories written about loves gained and lost, which you would think would mean something to me. But they don't. Just these 3 pages. I wrote them Sunday afternoon with my favorite pen. These are the only pages ripped out of any of the notebooks I write in. These 3 pages are my personal curse, and they can never see the light of day. I can also never get rid of them. I need to acknowledge to myself what they say just as much as I need no one on this earth to know what they say. I can't face what they say, yet. I also can't completely say I would never do or say what these pages explain. I think I may, actually. Now, there's nothing illegal and harmful written on these pages, either to myself or anyone else. They contain a secret that no one else on this earth knows, because all hell would break loose on my life if they did. Ridiculous thoughts made even more ridiculous now...I am haunted and compelled by what they say. If I follow through, it won't be a secret for long. I can't make that choice yet, but I will. Justifying it will be another story. 3 pages of my own words are my downfall. I am my own tragic flaw, this time. But the full story will never be written in any of MY pages. My pages don't mean shit. It's the pages of life and memory where this story will be told. I create the beginning of it, but the ending...I don't control. I should start believing in fate. I'm going to need to. ~A.
Massive, I know. But the topic is important. Those 3 pages mean A LOT to me. And if I had complete faith someone would understand what they say, and would keep it to themselves, I'd spill the beans. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone I know would understand. I WANT someone to, I want someone to cheer me on, and be like, ok, that's kind of kooky, but there's a lot of good logic behind it too. But I don't think anyone can get past the initial impression of it and go on to see how well thought out and clever it is. Trust me, I struggled with it for a long time, until I put it on paper. I couldn't get past the initial appearance that I'm insane, even though I KNEW it was very clever, logical, and a push forward in the right direction. If this isn't making any sense, GOOD. This part of the blog is more for me than anyone else. I wanted someone to know, but not KNOW, get my drift? Huge mental release for me writing this, regardless.
Of course writing about it has me thinking about it, and I am going to go read those 3 pages a few times, even though I have them just about memorized. I need to indulge in my quirky insanities more often. Every time I do, I become a better/smarter/stronger person.
I don't have faith in much. I need to have faith in fate right now. It's crucial to the upcoming year and to those 3 pages. My essence is on those 3 pages right now, and I'm going to need some luck (which I do believe in) and to let fate put in her say.
~A.