Primordial Chaos

I started this blog January 14th, 2009. Almost a year now, geez. I remember completely deleting my previous blog to start this one. I wanted to wipe away the past and just go forward, there were things in that blog I did not want to remember. This one has worked out much better, yeah? I started this blog in a state of disquietude, and for most of the time resorted to it only in such times. Every period of time where I was posting about daily, I was dealing with some shit. Now, I try to write as often as possible regardless of my mood. I mention off to the side of my blog that this is my mental toilet. It really is, and I've noticed the more often I dump my mind here the better my mood is. I know I get super moody and irritable when I have a bunch of things bouncing around my mind. I also start getting stressed out the longer I have a busy mind. To be completely honest, when I started writing super frequently end of September, it was in a state of distress. I needed to vent, A LOT. Then once I was posting here on a regular basis, I noticed my mind wasn't so foggy and I didn't get stressed out because of mental constipation. So even once my state of distress passed, I kept writing here. Do I put everything that gets in my mind here? Hell no. I don't document every little thing I do either. The vast majority of the major things in my mind get put here though. Some things are better left unsaid, and I leave those things so.

So here we are, at the end of 2009. What a year! At the beginning of the year, I really thought this year was going to be terrible. It wasn't all sunshine and roses, but overall I've had a wonderful year. I really hold 2009 as a source of pride, a "look what I can do" kind of year. I think I was far more successful than most may have expected. I accomplished a lot, especially in the area of personal growth. I met or exceeded every last one of my 2009 resolutions. First time ever for that. I plan to do the same for 2010, hold myself to a certain standard.

The problem with resolutions for most people is they set the bar too high. Quit smoking, start exercising every day from never exercising, lose an unreasonable amount of weight, quit eating sweets...all of which are very noble and self improving goals. However, you're not going to just automatically start doing that all on January 1st and be able to maintain it. So by February such resolutions are abandoned. The better way to go about it is set the bar lower, or break the resolution into steps. Such as start working out once a week, then slowly increase, cut down on smoking in steps or cutting out a certain sweet, then another and then another. Of course, that takes patience and people like immediate results. But even the tiniest baby step forward is still a step forward. Gotta crawl before you walk and you have to master walking in order to make great strides.


That being said, here are my grand goals for 2010. I'm not going to list all of my steps though. They're in no particular order.

1. Continue improving on controlling my emotional extremes. I'd like to be a little more stoic and not let so much little shit get to me. Under this topic, I will work on walking away from situations and people that are emotionally toxic to me. Sometimes, my loyalty is a severe fault.

2. Train for a marathon. I know I was aiming to run one in 2010, and I might still. However, I have set the bar at being ready for a marathon at the end of next year.

3. Work on upper body strength. I've started on this and I would like to continue it. My leg strength is surreal, so I'd like to balance out.

4. Take 2 vacations to somewhere I've never been. Just a being more worldly person.

5. Eat 10 things I've never eaten before and they must be from other cultures. Another worldly kind of goal.

6. Do well in school. Well, continue doing well. :)

7. Make 4 new friends.

8. Write 3 chapters of a fantasy story. This is part of an overall goal to work on my writing weaknesses, but this is where I'm starting.

Not really a resolution, but maintain all progress I've made during 2009. That's kind of implied since I can't do 2010s resolutions without the progress of 2009. :)

Tomorrow is a b-ball game, Lobos versus Dayton. What an awesome way to kick off the year! :P I'll be at the Pit screaming my pretty little head off. I have so much damn fun at the basketball games, it's really a great time.

I'm staying home tonight. I really don't want to go a party where people are drinking heavily. For whatever reason, people drink themselves retarded on New Year's. I'm also terrified of drunk drivers in my little del sol. Besides, when the New Year starts, I kinda just wanna be lost in my thoughts of was 2009 was to me, and what 2010 will be.

I hope everyone is safe tonight and be careful of drunk drivers. I wish everyone a fantastic New Year's. Even those who I'd like to beat silly. I really do mean everyone. :)

~A.

Van Hunt - Character. Let it out, let it go, hold back the tears no longer, let them fall on the floor, not on your will to be stronger. I seriously love Van Hunt. Hidden Charm being my most often quoted Van Hunt song, this one is a very close second. I'm pretty sure I could put together a CD that gives you a good idea of a lot about me made purely from Van Hunt songs.




So, I left my damn Droid in my car for the game last night. I REALLY wanted to get pics and vid of the game last night, because it was supposed to be this super intense game. Yeah...no. We chewed them up. We won by 15, 90-75 (the twitter message said 73 as my twitter message but it was 75). Texas Tech is another ranked team, so this is a great win for us. We're 13-1 now. We have our off nights, but really this year's team is amazing. Plus home games get me out of the house. :P Man, the Pit was something else last night too. The energy in there was just wild. There were these two guys by me that were yelling at the Texas Tech fans all damn night and it was pretty funny. They obviously did not realize what it means when you are at the Pit and you are a fan of the visiting team. First it means you sit by section 26. Second it means you are within hearing range of section 26. Third it means you had better not be surprised by profanity directed at you. They were completely offended before 6 minutes into the first half. First our usual dissing the visiting team during introductions...then section 26 being section 26. Of course the game was televised, and for reasons beyond me they kept the cameras away from section 26. :P Last night there were two guys shirtless and they'd painted them selves completely white then in red Go Lobos and other team spirit stuff. If I ever decide to show up half naked and covered in paint, I'll fit right in. *laughs*

As I mentioned before, the Lobos were completely written off by everyone at the start of the season but we're kicking major ass. I LOVE stories like that. Where someone/something is just written off, put down, ignored...but they come back shocking the shit out of everyone. I love it when the underdogs win. I think part of it is I feel like the underdog more often than not. I also tend to like movies where the bad guys win. Because in the real world, they do. I guess that's why I have a hard time getting into a lot of movies. I have to suspend reality so damn much. I'm that person who points out the bullshit science in movies. I have a very hard time not seeing things as I know them to be. This is also why writing stories about fantasy or sci fi and those type genres is rather difficult for me. Something to work on, I guess. Though I kinda like being very grounded in reality. I know plenty of people who seem to live in suspended reality and they need a good slap of common sense.

So, I've definitely been slacking off the past few days. Playing video games and eating LARGE amounts of junk food with my bro. I sometimes feel bad I'm not doing anything productive, just so used to the grind and always being busy I guess. At the same time though, it's been great bonding time with Jess so it's not totally time pissed away. We're always joking and laughing and talking shit. Despite us basically binging on junk food for about 2 weeks, we've both LOST weight. Keep in mind we're not running, not going outside in the damn cold, sitting around playing video games, eating and sleeping. I freely admit I have been the worst and have eaten the most by a long shot. I ate a whole blueberry pie and half a cherry on Christmas, Jess ate the other half of the cherry :P. Cookies, candy, snack foods, ice cream...whatever I felt like eating. Jess lost 2.5 pounds, and I've lost 4.3 pounds. We're both baffled, and we tried 3 different scales, all said the same damn thing. We've decided this is the BEST DIET EVER. Video games, sleep and junk food. Jess said "We should have gained at least 3 pounds each. Damn we're weird". I simply replied "Yeah, but we are total win for it".

Since it's the end of the year and I have a little too much free time, I've been doing a lot of self evaluation and reflection about 2009. My world is strikingly different from what it was a year ago. Hell, I'm strikingly different than a year ago. I've learned a lot, some of it the hard way. I've also grown a lot as a person. Wised up a little bit too about how to approach certain things. Admitted to myself and others some of the flaws I have and try to hide. I learned in a really brutal way that I never win trying to be a people pleaser or trying to be everything to everyone or even someone. That shit stops. I need to take a bit more care of me and making me happy. No one else is going to do it. I learned that too. No one else is going to make me happy, that's on me. Need to remember and reinforce that.

Not even going to bullshit you, 2009 was a god damn struggle every inch of the way. Struggling with myself, adapting to being at UNM, helping my mom out after her accident and basically being in charge for a while till she got better, struggling with the exact direction I'd like to take to get to where I want to be, made some hard decisions, struggled with my weaknesses but conquered a few...but the worst was losing 3 friends who were the closest people to me. I lost 2 to death and one to...something. That was 3 MASSIVE blows to me that even still torment me a bit. My only option is to take what I learned from them and charge forward. That doesn't fill the hole or ease the hurts. Time does that.

That's something I mastered this year, I think. Charging forward even when shit goes wrong. I got forced to a few times over and I'm definitely different for that. Stronger, I'd say. Things get better when you keep going. Things always suck if you let bad times trap you down. I realized that I am strong enough to keep going and be successful even if something gets a good hit on me. I never ever thought I was till this year.

I learned a lot about what it is I really want instead of what I think will make my life happy. I definitely learned how to tell if something or someone is one or the other. I look back and go "Whoa, what the FUCK was I thinking? Why the hell did I do that or respond that way or make that choice or let myself get so deep into something I had a shitty time getting myself out of?". I fucked up a few times this year, I know. The lessons learned though were hugely important. I tend to learn things the hard way. However, I also tend to be a bit wiser and smarter overall than others so I guess it works out.

I realized I'm a lot more badass than I previously thought. If I turn on my resolve, I'm pretty unstoppable. I used to always back down at every criticism or negative comment or change my direction or take such things as a symbol of I'm failing somehow. Man, some people don't know what the fuck they're talking about. A lot of things like that are just outside noise. I can kinda shut some of it out now, and I hope to get better at that. I no longer stop in my tracks and change what I'm doing because of shit like that. It still bothers me pretty bad, but I keep going forward and I do so with a good bit of faith in myself. The doubts creep in my mind and linger there, and sometimes they even upset me, but that's as far as it gets now.

Physically, I'm stronger and quicker too. Beginning of 09 I couldn't do a push up or a pull up...couldn't run a mile in under 9-10 minutes if I could run one at all. I can do both a pull up and a push up with one arm...either arm, not just my preferred left. If I'm doing just one mile, my average time is 6 minutes 13 seconds. That's pretty fucking quick. My reflexes are way faster too. I'm looking rather toned all over and I'm quite proud of my abs. I've always thought that in me there was a strong person, but now I look the part and feel even stronger. My confidence is rapidly approaching excessive too. :P I don't care, I'm proud of all the good ways I've changed. Plus I can back it up. ;)

There's so much that's changed about me in the past year that I am sure I'm not even aware of all of it. going forward, there's more I'd like to work on, and 2010 is my year for that. :) I want to understand and control my emotions a little better. I want to listen more often to my instincts. My main goal for 2010 though is to figure out more about who I am. My preferences, friends, family, accomplishments, failures, status and opinions are not the definition of who I am like I've always thought they were. My experiences and lessons learned help define who I am as do my strengths. I want to go explore a little more on my own. I promised myself 2 vacations where I go somewhere new, within the US or even not. It's also pretty likely I'll be striking out completely on my own later in 2010 and probably somewhere where I do not know anyone. Before such an idea would fucking put me into fear, but it's really kind of exciting to me now. I believe there is a lot to learn from such an experience. A lot I NEED to learn. I'd be building my world from absolute nothing but me. It would force me into trying new things. I like that. I think how I approach and go about that will reveal or reinforce a lot about who the fuck I am and what I'm made of. When shit hits the fan though, I know that even if they're not close by, I have one of the best damn team of cheerleaders rallying behind me.

Tomorrow I'll post my actual resolutions, which are some set goals relevant to what I want to accomplish overall.

The day after that is a basketball game, and you'll hear all about it. :) More importantly though, it's the first day of 2010, and therefore my first steps into being a better person this time next year.

Ok, so I know I haven't been posting or even on twitter too much, but I've been video gaming it up with my bro. We've been caught up in this game for the Playstation 3 called Demon's Souls lately. We were doing the whole 2 player thing for a while, but we got this game and we're both really into it. We take turns playing our characters, you know that whole sharing thing. His character is higher level because he got into the game before me, but we still play as a team. If he's playing, I'm on the laptop looking up item info, what weapon is best for what area, or how to fight some boss and just any other info we need. Every once and a while he'll have me fight a boss for him. We have two different play styles, I'm a ranged damage and strategy type, and he is a run in there and beat it till it's dead type. So when he gets to a ranged/strategy boss he hands it over to me. He helps me out on the run in and beat it silly bosses. Since he is playing through the levels before I am and I'm looking up all the info and maps, when I go through the level it's nothing new to me. It's an RPG game, but yet it has like levels, or stages to these different worlds. This game is damn HARD. But me and Jess are tearing through it as a team, so it's not so bad. :) The 50 inch plasma is nice too. I like it better than LCD screens, picture and color glare wise. I'm somewhat sensitive to bright colors, and the LCD screens strike me as obnoxious. Like my laptop and desktop they are turned WAY down because otherwise I get a headache. Fuck if I know why.

We've been keeping weird ass hours, going to bed 3am or later, getting up in the afternoon and we get right back to kicking pixelated ass all night long. It's really been a fucking blast. I feel guilty because I'm being so non-productive. I'm so used to having to get up at a certain time, get shit together, be at class by a certain time, homework, cooking dinner...that's all currently gone. For a week and a half I get to completely do not a damn thing. Back to class January 4th though. Until then, there are monsters who need ass beatings. :P

Despite feeling weird about basically being a complete slacker, it's been really good for me. My sleep schedule is fucked, but I'm only sleeping 6-7 hours and feeling great. Before I was sleeping 10-12 and still felt unrested. However, I have the neat trick of adapting to a sleep schedule in a day, so I can change mine back to a reasonable adult type of schedule. I'm so non-stressed now though. I was so tense and irritable, now I'm just very cool and calm. My bro and mom have commented on it, that I seem so chill all the damn time. They're used to me being the intense one.

There's a b-ball game tonight, it's been 10 days since I've been to a game so I'm extra hyped up. It's against Texas Tech, so this should be a good game. Our loss got us knocked down in the ratings from 13/12 to 19/17. So we have a chip on our shoulder, and I think tonight will be exciting. Two games in a row where our shooting was piss poor, 3 times the charm. Plus it's at the Pit and Lobos fans are definitely going to be at their most obnoxious. Myself included. Our boys can play through the crowd noise like it's not there. Visiting teams have a real issue not getting distracted, like the coach will be yelling at them to do something, and section 26 will yell other directions and you can see the players not be sure what's what. So damn funny.

Anyways, I gotta go get Lobo geared up and head out to the Pit! Here's hoping for a win!

~A.

 Song by Kanye West. You'll see why I chose it.

Argh, never going to go through the post drafts I have when new stuff keeps coming up. Will do that after this post, delete what's been said, use what hasn't, get the 3 dozen drafts cleared up from my dashboard.

First off, all of my friends are guys. All of them. There's only 2 female family members I can get along with, my mom and Celeste, my belle-mere (step-mom). I can't stand the rest of the female family members. Yes, this includes my cousins. We live in two different worlds, and I don't like theirs at all. They're pretty "girly". I'm pretty "badass". :P At the grocery store with my mom recently, these two teenage girls came  running down the aisle squealing and giggling. My mom looked at me and said "We really lucked out on you not being one of THOSE girls". I'm pretty guy-ish in my way and preferences, but do not LOOK very guy-ish thankfully. I like beer, cars, basketball, love to grill and will grill about anything (I've grilled ramen noodles, don't ask why), my standard uniform is jeans, Converse and a t-shirt, I don't wear makeup, I don't obsess over fashion, I don't read crap like Cosmo magazine, can't stand Oprah, like my hair short so I don't have to mess with it...just completely outside the realm of other females my age. Since guys tend to have more in common with me, all of my friends are guys. However, I do wind up hanging around their girlfriends sometimes when we all go out as a group, but they are not my friends. One in particular, who this story is about, once stood on a table and declared war on me. She is REALLY threatened by me. But she got hers yesterday on Christmas.

C, the girl, is dating my friend P. Well, was. She was very clingy and needy, whined about everything, when we'd democratically vote to see a movie or do something as a group, she ALWAYS threw a fit when she didn't get her way. This girl was a princess in a bad way. Me and P would walk to a class together since our previous classes were next door to each other, and we were both in the same class we're headed to. C flipped her shit the first time she saw this and from then on HAD to hold P's hand and walk with us. She was always interrupting conversations to talk about herself or one of her friends who had some issue or another...crap we didn't care about. She could not just listen when someone else was talking. Would come up to us bitching about P when he wasn't around, and very obviously stretching her story of the horrible thing P did. Eyes HAD to be on her. All of us, but P, hated her.

A quick note about P, you can't anger or upset the guy. He keeps his cool like he's a damn freezer. In all kinds of situations, even day to day with C and many hours more than the rest of us had to deal with her, he never aggravated. One night C opened her mouth to some guy hitting on her at a party, and P wound up in a brawl with this other guy who strongly resembled a linebacker. Dude was all up in his face yelling, saying pretty nasty stuff about C (who cares), saying shit about P and P stood there quietly, no expression, nothing. He wasn't going to give that guy a reaction. The guy got louder and started saying nastier stuff but in the middle of his latest insult P threw a haymaker and KO'ed this guy. It was pretty ninja, we all thought he was just going to stand there and take the abuse. Like I said, dude keeps his cool but handles business and probably needed to with C around.

C and P had been together for 3 years or so, and I guess when they first started dating and for a while after she wasn't like that per what P and a mutual friend told me. She was cool, secure, let P have his guy time, didn't just randomly have to talk about herself and interrupt the group...she was much different. However about 2 years into the relationship she got weird. It started when she started hinting at marriage, and P was not hearing any of it. Told her he is not at a place in his life where he feels that is a good decision. She took it pretty cool when he said it, but ever after she started the princess bullshit.

So, P asked me to help pick out her gift since I'm a technically a girl and can think of shit girls would like. Apparently my first choices of a muzzle, a chloroform soaked rag or a one way ticket to anywhere but here weren't what he was looking for. :P He knew me and females don't mix and figured that was why I couldn't stand her. I couldn't stand her cause she was a bitch. Anyways, she has a thing for charm bracelets, so he got her a NICE gold one and P picked out white gold charms that represented things he and C had done together. Like a beach ball when they went to Hawaii, a book for the book store where he met her, that kind of thing. (My idea, I was pretty sure girls like sentimental crap like that. :P) P dropped a very nice amount of money on it and we spent 4 HOURS all over town to find just the right charms, and he was pretty excited to give it to her on Christmas. He felt she would love something so thoughtful and meaningful and it would show how much he loved her. I felt like I was gonna be sick.

P called me Christmas evening. I didn't realize it was him at first because the number was different and HE WAS FUMING MAD. I knew shit was serious if he'd lost his cool. He wanted to talk to me about what happened. I had a good sense of who it involved, but didn't know just how she managed to push P over his edge.

So she came over to his apartment Christmas evening after spending the day with her family. He'd made a nice dinner (my idea) with candles (my idea) and a CD of her fav songs playing in the background (also my god damn idea). Things were going well, he gave her the roses he bought her (not my idea unless he was gonna smack her with them) and she was all giggly and so touched at how sweet and thoughtful he was. (barf) They exchange gifts, he opens his first...it's $300 dollar gift card to a Linens N Things type of shop. P is not a Linens N Things type of guy, so he was confused. She said that way he could get "some NICE sheets and curtains and decorations" he may not have before she moves in with him. P had said nothing about her moving in. He tried to rationalize it as she's being so presumptive because she really loves him and she just wants to always have him in her life. So he pulls out the jewelry box you get when you buy jewelry and she starts flipping out screaming, saying oh my god over and over...she thinks he's gonna propose. As he is telling me this, I can hear the anger start to rise again in his voice...and I knew something awesome just happened.

So he waits for her to chill out a bit so he doesn't have to yell and says calm down, just open it. She still thinks it's a ring...but then taadaa, it's the bracelet he put so much thought and effort into. As P said to me and he said it best: "she basically scowled at it like it was a dead bird stuffed with dogshit". There's a few seconds of really uncomfortable silence and she finally says "this isn't a ring". P was like no it isn't, but I knew you liked charm bracelets and he explains the meaning behind each one. She is still scowling in the shit-stuffed dead bird kind of way, and she says "well that's nice, I guess...do you have the receipt so I can take it back and buy myself a ring instead? You can help me pick a ring out that way we can pretend like you got my gift right the first time".

P spent 4 hours with a surly me constantly saying "there's still time to go get that muzzle". We went to 6 different stores to find the charms he'd decided on. He'd spent over 700 bucks on the bracelet total. A lot of effort was put into making Christmas special for her, and she pulled THAT. So it had to happen sometime, and P lost his cool. Completely lost his cool.

He takes the bracelet out of her hands, says "I've had enough of this shit, I want you to leave". Now she's floored and is trying to apologize, she didn't mean for it to sound bad. Note she is not sorry she said it, she's sorry he took it the wrong way. P just yells leave, and she apparently still doesn't think he means serious business. P yelling is like the Pope saying the word "fuck" in a sermon for mass, it just doesn't happen. He tosses the bracelet on the table, grabs her gift card and hands it back to her. Tells her to leave. She's crying and going on about how could he do this to her on Christmas, he ruined her Christmas, so on and so forth. He pushing her towards the door completely ignoring it all. She does go out the door of her own will finally, and she said she'd call him tomorrow to work things out. P tells her straight up he does not want to see her again, ever. Their relationship is over, and he hopes she finds what she is looking for but she proved in no uncertain terms it's not him. She stammers something about how he is dumping her on Christmas, heartless bastard, she loved him so much, how could he dump her on Christmas...he says "best damn gift I ever gave myself" and shuts the door. She starts banging on the door screaming and crying, and apparently one of the neighbors called the cops on her. The cops showed up and asked what was going on and basically told her to leave and she does in a hysterical hurry. She called him over and over for an hour, he changed his number, had her emails go directly to the trash as spam, threw the pictures of her and him and her in the fireplace, he completely shut her out of his life in every way.  I was right, something awesome had happened. It was my turn to be giggly with glee.

I'm listening to this story being told to me, and I can't believe it at first. One that P lost his cool and two that she was such a bitch about the gifts. Remember what I said about girlfriends being the worst about demanding expensive gifts at Christmas? Prime fucking example. He starts ranting and venting, and I just listen, though I have to mute my phone sometimes cause some of the things he said about her were so offensive they had me laughing. He finishes venting and ask me if I've got anything to add. I just start fucking laughing for a bit. I tell him finally you got rid of her we all hated her, and it made my day knowing she shot herself in the foot on that one, that she finally crossed the line. Told him the whole group we hang out with was wondering where that damn line is, because not one of us would have taken that shit for so long. I start laughing again, and he laughs with me. I mention that I was fucking stunned he lost his cool. He said yeah, she went too far but it felt good to finally unload on her and about her. He feels free now, not like his world is limited to what she thinks he can have in his world. I just say congratulations, welcome to being a bachelor. He laughs, thanks me for listening, reminds me to update his cell number in my contact info, we chat a little more about school shit then get off the phone.

I immediately send the text out P dumped the bitch and his new #. I get a few "What? No shit?" type of texts and apparently they go and text or IM him. I get a text saying he sees he I got the word out and they're calling him clapping and cheering. Out of the 9 people in our little group, 2 were single before, but the rest of us have ALL become single in the past 3 months. We've decided we all suck at choosing people we get involved with. But at the same time we're all supporting each other and it's bonded the group a little tighter. I got a text from one of the guys in the group, H, saying "We don't need those bitches! We're a group of men and an Aeris!". Not labeled as male or female, but just me as a whole under my own classification. Still part of the group though, and that's pretty cool.

Always in a category of my own, aren't I? There's no real categorizing me, for one reason or another I don't exactly fit. I like that. It's complicated. I'm complicated. People aren't quite sure where to classify me under any criteria, I don't fit the standard molds.

I realized that just because I don't fit in any of the easy classification rules people use to define people, doesn't mean I don't fit with people at all.

It just makes me one hell of a fascinating experience.

~A.

I like to start the new year organized and clear, or as much so as possible. So, while purging files, music, text logs and otherwise, on my laptop that I now have no desire for and do not enjoy, I realized something. I've mentioned the name of my car before, but due to where it came from it's getting changed as of, oh, right now.

Besides, the new name is exceptionally appropriate for a lot of reasons. I'll let you think about what they are. Anyways, my del awesome is now called:

Blueshift. I'm tempted to get a custom plate of the new centennial plates coming out in January...BLUSHFT. Or not, but I do want one of the new plates because they're not the horrid yellow that screams I'M FROM NEW MEXICO.

As one of my friends just IM'ed me:

Blueshift: Because I'm coming right fucking at ya!

Well said Spud, well said.

~A.

The Wallflowers - One Headlight. This is actually the first song I did not have in my library that I've used for my blog. However I will have it shortly, probably before I finish writing this, so technically it counts. :P I had to get the song all considering the whole headlight saga.



And the saga continues, but in a more positive direction. As far as tracking down a replacement bulb, Google searches and asking at different car places got me shit loads of nowhere. Asked on a couple of the Honda forums, got bullshit for driving a del sol and was referred to as a poser. Question did not get answered. What the fuck was that about? Geez. I'm just as much a Honda owner as anyone else...BECAUSE I OWN A GODDAMN HONDA. Pretty sure that's the criteria. Moving on.

So, I had an idea earlier of one more place I could ask. I resorted to registering an account on a forum for ricers. Asked my question, told them my car and model, bulb size/wattage/brightness from the tag on the bulb. Expected tons of bullshit, because ricers here are always giving me shit and trying to show off how much better their cars are and such.

They were completely polite and friendly, and I had a TON of good info from 6 different people in about 20 minutes. Ricers to the rescue!

The BEST part I found out, well best depends on who you ask, but it's best to me. Anyways, there is a bulb with whiter light than my violet-ish ones, so better visibility, less glare from the color and apparently cops prefer these to any of the ones that give off some color and they're closer to day light. What this basically means is...it's brighter. A lot. I've been giggling with mischievous glee off and on since. White lights that are brighter than my current ones that get the thumbs up from the cops? Yeah, you better hope you don't tick me off at night cause you're gonna be sorrier than before. I'm considering this information a Christmas gift. Everyone else should consider this trouble brewing. :P

I have to order them from online, there's not a lot of aftermarket car places here that would carry such a thing. So I guess I'll get a couple of sets so I'm not without my prized headlights for this long again. It's also my only "HEY ASSHOLE ON THE PHONE/IN THE SUV, DON'T HIT ME, I'M RIGHT HERE" defense. So besides the whole terrorizing shitty drivers with my lights, they are a safety feature as well. I like things with multiple uses. Like my Droid. :P I like things that serve both a good and questionable purpose. Like me. :P (Kidding, sorta. Tormenting my bro is a questionable purpose. :P)

So I'm currently trying to narrow down what exact type I want. What I have are H4-2, 35 watt 6000K bulbs. There's two bulbs on the one bulb base...one of which is fucking pointless. I could do some rewiring (A LOT OF REWIRING) to make it useful, but yeah no. I love doing my own stuff to my car, but wiring and running wires or splicing wires is a pain in the ass. My car is already wired for a subwoofer though. :P But I really don't need or like hard thumping bass. Though I may want to have bass coming from a woofer than the speakers, because the damn speakers that do the bass are right by my head. I have tweeters, might as well have a woofer. :P Totally went WAY off topic.

I'm eying H4-1 bulbs, 35W and 4300K. The wattage can't really change, and the size can't either...but there are different types of H4. 4300K I won't let change cause I want the damn white lights. :P

Well, wait a second. Reading about the difference between 4300K and 6000K...the 6000Ks emit a whiter light but it has less output. Hrm. Aw hell, I'll order sets of both and try the 4300K for a while. If I hate it I got back to what I had, if I like it then backup sets. Even though my other bulb is just fine, this is one of those replace both at the same time deals. Which I'd have to do anyways if I change from the H4-2s. I'm not making sense to anyone but myself, am I? :P

Ok, I'll explain, because....why the hell not, it's my blog! The K number is the color tempature, the bigger the K number, the dimmer but bluer the light. The smaller the K number, the brighter and whiter the light. W is wattage. The first shock I got while digging around in my lights when the bulb burnt out was the massive and complex electrical system that had to be installed and it's JUST for the lights. Nothing else uses the system. Being me, I had to follow the wires and figure out how it works, what each wire means, etc. It is clever and interesting how the whole set up works. IN GENERAL (always exceptions) each system uses a particular wattage, the most common are 35 and 55. Mine, as mentioned previously, is 35W. The H4-2 or -1 or there's H3s, H7...anyways, it's basically just a bulb type. It corresponds to the different shapes of halogen bulbs you use around the house, the standard shape bulb,  flood lights and so on.

Well, apparently the second bulb DOES serve a purpose, in some states there is a law about having to have high beam lights for inspection. I'll look into that before I change bulb types then.

Isn't it fucking ridiculous how much I can say about some headlights? I'm tempted to put angel eye lights on my car, but I'll leave that for another time.

You know this is bad if I put it at the bottom of my post, but....my Lobos finally suffered their first loss, we're 12-1 now. Evil number 13! Anyways, the next game is the 29th, at the Pit, against Texas Tech. This game is being broadcast on the CBS College Sports channel....since I'm sitting kinda close to Tech's bench, there's a chance of me embarrassing myself on national TV. A good chance. A really good chance. So if you're bored Tues. night and get that channel.... :P I may even wear my blue hat so you know it's me in the sea of red. Maybe. I'd rather not be identifiable if I get in trouble though. :P

I have a bunch of half started posts I haven't posted...so I'm going to try and get those up before the end of the year if I haven't already covered the topic. So expect a bit more posting than usual.

~A.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. I wish you guys and your families nothing but happiness. Be careful and stay safe, there's bound to be a few more idiots than usual out.

Extra love to the families and friends of Flush and Jay who have to endure their first Christmas without them. They are very deeply missed. It was a rough year to lose two of my closest friends who were also just upstanding young men. They are gone far, far too soon but knowing them they'd want us to not to grieve and worry, but to be happy about the times we did have with them. I still feel a little lost without them though, regardless.

Hope your families don't drive you too crazy, and hope you don't get any fruitcake. Man that crap is gross. The one fruitcake I did receive was promptly blown up by firecrackers. :)

Love you guys,

~A.

Keep the Dream Alive by Oasis, just so happened to be the song playing when I started writing this and I thought it was fitting. That's kind of where I am in life right now, where my real life and my dreams are merging together. Can't find it on YouTube...so deal! :P


I really gotta find a new song, I STILL listen to Part Of The Queue over and over in my car. I'll change it up sometimes, but the majority of the time that's the song coming from my car. I'm pretty sure half of ABQ is sick of it by now. :P I'm not! I do feel like I'm having trouble finding my soul in this town. Either that or UNM is sucking it out of me. Either way.

So I went to the world market to track down a spice for my mother. On my way back, since I had to drive by UNM, I decided to stop. I parked, wandered over to the duck pond for a bit and did some thinking. Last spring I about damn lived at the duck pond if I wasn't in class. I got to thinking about the past year and how damn wild a ride it has been.

The wind picked up and was damn cold, so I went back to my car. Parked next to my car was a del sol, the same color as mine. Me and the guy who owned it got to talking about del sols and ourselves for a minute. He was admiring mine, the matching blue seats, how it was lowered, talked about my headlights and he asked me if I'd just washed it. I hadn't, but the snow and crap didn't stick to my car because I'd hand waxed it a few days ago so it looked slick. His wasn't in the best of shape, clear coat failing, paint fading, glass cracked, seats torn up, it looked like a 14 year old car, basically. (Mine does not, obviously)

He'd just transferred from Wyoming, spring would be his first semester at UNM. Same place I was a year ago, it was December 18th I'd received my acceptance letter, actually. I gave him some advice about dealing with UNM, and just to make sure he stays on top of everything because they won't. Recommended a couple of professors too, just basic trying to be helpful stuff.

I got in my car and took off towards home, but that guy had got me thinking...mostly about how he was a representation of me a year ago. I was a MESS. In every way, mentally, emotionally, physically...I was not on top of my shit. I was new to UNM, new to this type of university life...and I was FUCKING TERRIFIED. Will I make friends? Will people think I'm weird? Will I do well? Will I choke? Will I live through finals sane? Will it be obvious I'm new? To get to my comparison, that guy was new and kinda nervous just like I was a year ago. Then there's current me, confident, no longer nervous, successful every damn which way, know what my path is, I've made friends...I'm on top of my shit. And getting kinda cocky about it. :P Even the del sols were two extremes...his being battered and worn, not in great shape...mine being slick as all fuck...with my public nuisance headlights and loud music. :P

In just a year, holy shit, I've become someone I used to think I'd never be but wanted to be. Confident, social (well, social for me), successful, thriving, hot little car...and her hot little self. Mentally I'm stronger (scary, right?), emotionally I'm stronger and wiser (*mutters about some asshole*), physically I'm in the best shape of my life so I'm stronger there too. I know I come off as cocky, and this next thought is definitely another one of those times. I'm in awe of who the hell I am right now. I'm impressed with myself and the extreme changes I managed in ONE year. I don't doubt myself much anymore, I don't get so damn down on myself, I don't let myself get pushed around and manipulated...I can see what I can accomplish with just me. Anything I damn want to. I've always been a force of nature, but now it's focused and controlled...and I focus and control it.

Hey dad, remember that little girl who thought she was supergirl, who thought she could fly and was invincible?

She's back. :)

~A.

Song by Gil Scott Heron:



Now sweet little ol' brown eyed girl...

You know how I know I get wiser as I get older? Because my dad starts making sense. :P It gets easier to see what I formerly classified as being overbearing was just being protective. Maybe it's not communicated the best way, but I still get the point. We're both pig-headed and have a tendency to feel that the other one is wrong. (Didn't you say your rule 1 was you're always right, dad? :P) My kneejerk reaction is he is trying to hold me back, and his is that I'm being impulsive and don't know what I'm doing. I'm specifically referring to the whole me transferring thing from here forward. After doing a lot of thinking about many things, I realized he is just trying to make sure my ducks are in a row before I do anything drastic. I'm pretty sure he understands my logic behind the whole idea...but worries about me. I know he loves the snot out of me though. I don't question that. We're just both very strong personalities that don't always see things the same way. I do always take his advice and points into consideration. ALWAYS. I've even adjusted and further researched a few things because he mentioned things that slipped by me.

I don't think that we'll ever realize we're both on the same team and have the same goals. It's just that way. But we bring two very different perspectives to the table that when put together make a clearer picture. I know that we're taking two different ways to reach the same conclusion. How he, or I, or both of us get there doesn't matter. It's that we get there. We're still gonna argue on how to get there though. :P

When I left Oklahoma to make the drive back to ABQ, that morning I saw just how much my dad loves me and cares. First, he was harping on me about stopping to guzzle some Red Bull for the drive and how it's not good for me. He actually did guilt me out of drinking Red Bull...but in Amarillo I stopped and got a Red Bull cola, which is Red Bull's version of coca cola, it's not cola with red bull in it. That was my way of rebelling a little. I wound up not even drinking the damn thing until 3 days after I'd gotten back. So much for THAT rebellion. :P I'm laughing at myself right now.

During my stay there, he picked up on my fondness for green tea and raw almonds. So that morning I left he gave me a thermos cup of hot green tea, a bag of raw almonds and some dark chocolate for my caffeine fix. I seriously about cried over that. That meant the world to me. I drink green tea out of that cup every morning now, it was that special to me. It reminds me of his thoughtfulness and how much he really is looking out for me. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it, really.

Sometimes the smallest things say the most. Sometimes they even say it without seemingly saying it. The message got through to me though.

I love you too, dad.

~A.

 Edit: This is my 100th post!

Ok, so all kinds of crap has happened I want to talk about, but I won't wall of text it and I'll break it up into different posts.

It snowed here today, and the city is a sheet of black ice, basically. The East mountains and even the east side of town on the other side from the mountains got slammed pretty hard, I-40 east bound was, and probably still is, closed. It's supposed to snow today (and it is right now for parts of the city) tonight, and tomorrow. So I don't think I'm going anywhere, at least not in my car. I'm not so worried about me, I can handle the weather. I can't handle idiots who drink and drive on ice, and I'm pretty sure that's not a show Disney is gonna put on either. It's so close to the holiday, and people ignore my car or can't see cause they're texting and driving, or they've been drinking, which is a huge problem here, I just don't think I'm gonna risk my ass. There's no where that important I need to go.

Ah, driving. I LOVE driving my car. I drove 9 hours or so (with a few hiccups in Amarillo) from Oklahoma, and you know the first thing I did when I got to town? Went for a drive along the river, drove by UNM (not that kind of drive by, but you can bet I think about it sometimes), then drove out to the volcanoes that make the west border of town, climbed to the top, and just sat looking out over the city. I was driving around town for an hour and a half AFTER the 9 hour drive. I love driving my car that much.

Despite popular opinion, or assumption, I am a fairly careful driver. I won't do more than 5 over. Coming from Oklahoma in the middle of nowhere where the speed limit is 75? You would have clocked me at 80 max. First, the ticket isn't worth the extra 10-15 miles I'd cover in an hour. (Assuming speeding by that much, of course.) Second, other people have kiddos too. I get freaked out when some jackass goes speeding by when I have Cy, I'm not going to be that jackass and that's because I sit on that side of the room, I know what it's like having those jackasses make you nervous. Also, I'm not just paying attention to what I'm doing, I've got to be aware of what some of these other drivers are doing too, because A LOT of them are distracted. Despite us having a law about using hands free in a car, most people here don't and they rarely stop people for it. Or they're eating, putting on make up, dog is jumping around the front seats, whatever. You're not gonna punish me and fuck up my car because you were being stupid. I have my bluetooth, dammit, they're not that hard to use. Handle your damn business before you get in the car or once you get to where you're going. Or even better, take the bus so you have that free time as you commute and get your stupid ass off the road. Anyways, before I go on a large tirade, my point is that I'm careful AND considerate. I let people in when they're trying to merge, 4-5 at a time when there's a lot of traffic and the merge lane is backing up, I slow down for crosswalks, I slow down by schools regardless of if the lights are flashing, I always pass on the left, even though I have my bluetooth, I pull over for calls...you get the point.

The only way I'm not considerate is if you are one of these dumbass drivers. If you cut me off and almost cause me to wreck, or start drifting into my lane because you're texting about something that I bet can wait, or drive behind me and hit me with your brights because my lights are too much for you even though they are EXTREMELY safer than standard lights (because they light up more area, obviously)...you just lost your free pass of me being considerate. If it's at night, you're getting the damn lights (I flash them once) to let you know hey you're being an asshole knock off whatever is distracting you. Of course, the lights get their attention instead of texting their latest boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever, and they pay more attention to driving because the lights SUCK to have in your mirror. When I was first learning to drive my car in a parking lot, I had a car pass behind me with the same lights and whoa. Though if the lights aren't in my mirror, they're kinda nice to have because you see so much more in front of you. But still. You can pull up to my car and yell at me but I yell back (and I will use words most other people won't). Assuming I can even hear your stupid ass over my loud rock music. Rock music being my driving music, of course. You can tailgate me and try to intimidate me, but if I brake tap you, and I will, you'll knock that off in a hella hurry. You can follow me to where ever I'm going to get out and come yell at me while I'm in my car. You better hope to hell I don't get out. Despite the small car, I'm 5'10" and built like a stallion and I am not afraid to defend myself from some asshole.

They're left with one recourse they like to try. Their brights (which don't come near mine) in my mirrors, this is popular with people irritated I'm doing 5 over in the middle lane...because I'm apparently going too slow for them. But I've got them there too. See, clever me remembered a basic feature of light, it reflects back at the same angle it hit the surface as. Calculating the average height of an SUV (at that point it covers both cars and most larger vehicles) I did a bit of mirror angling. You hit me with your lights, guess what you see? Three rather bright points corresponding with my rearview and side mirrors reflecting YOUR light into YOUR eyes. The beauty is I can still see out of my mirrors without seeing at your damn lights. It never fails, ever since I've done that, every person who has hit me with their brights has shut them off rather quickly and usually passes me. Which is dumb cause now they're in my lights, but whatever. You have to admit that's pretty fucking brilliant...almost as much as my headlights reflecting into your eyes. ;)

Holiday season drivers. Holy shit. I Tweeted about this, but I'm gonna rant some more. To the people that dress their cars like reindeer or put a wreath on the front to spread some christmas cheer...KNOCK IT OFF!!!! Get a window cling or something, but not only is it stupid and tacky, but apparently most people can't install them securely. Yesterday running errands I saw 5 different "antlers" on the road and a couple of noses. Then there was the incident where I'm on the highway and someone's wreath, THAT HAD GLASS ORNAMENTS ON IT, came off their car and slammed into my windshield. The popping noise of the ornaments, that and a giant wreath hitting my window, scared the hell out of me and could have caused an accident! Who the hell uses GLASS ORNAMENTS on a wreath for the front of their car? A rock could come up and shatter them, now you have jagged pieces of glass on the front of your car that you, your kids, you family, or someone trying to get by your shit parking job could get hurt on! (Jagged pieces of glass on the front of my car however looks more and more appealing the more I deal with this crap.) ARGH. To the tool around here who changed his horn to play 3 different xmas songs and drives around honking his horn all the time, YOU SUCK!

Now, granted I feel that Christmas has lost it's meaning. I don't mean that in a baby Jesus kind of way (because I don't believe in baby Jesus other than to use his name as the occasional curse), I mean as a time for family and friends to come together. What it is about now is buying the latest greatest (and generally most expensive) toy, tool, car, designer dress, TV, laptop, iPod, cell phone or whatever for the people you love. I'm NOT saying I'm against gift giving, what I'm saying is the reason most people give gifts is out of a feeling of obligation and social pressure. People have an over-hyped sense of entitlement for those around them to give them fantastic gifts. After listening to my guy friends bitch for the past month, apparently most girlfriends are the WORST about this, the only time they get even more insane about gifts is Valentine's Day. Which also has WAY lost it's meaning but that's another rant.

I see all this commercialized bullshit created to feed our capitalist but misguided consumer culture. Have to send out xmas cards, have to get the latest greatest. How many commercials have you seen where someone gets an expensive gift and they subtly (or not) imply that if you REALLY love that person, you'd buy them this. Jewelry and cars are probably the worst offenders, but I'll point back to that most girlfriends comment above. What the hell is that about? Oh, and parents getting into fights over the latest toy that's sold out for miles but this store has a few and they're fist fighting over it. Hell, people shopping at the grocery store are rude as hell. I had some lady hit me with her cart to get me to move so she could get to the apples too. Because, you know, she couldn't go on the other side of me where there was much more room and she wasn't blocking off traffic with her cart. This time of year makes people stupid or something.

Speaking of stupid, and this is my biggest gripe with the xmas season, is just how drastically the number of drunk drivers on the roads increase. It gets snowy and icy this time of year, people are already being assholes about everything and cutting people off or otherwise driving poorly, and you add drunk drivers to the mix? Holy shit. New Mexico is bad enough about large amounts of drunk drivers, but even more? Geez. Even worse is NM lets these people back on the road...you'll hear about people getting their 10th, 15th or even 20th DUI! Because, you know, that's not signaling a pattern of habit or anything. One of New Mexico's largest sources of revenue, besides yummy green chili peppers, is from fines and bonds they collect from DUIs. So these people get released, and the laws are set up that way so they get released over and over. ARGH. Kinda trading people's lives and safety for money there...

Listen, sometimes holidays around my family make me wanna drink too. (Playfully kidding.) But to drink and drive...I lost someone very very close to me early last year to a drunk driver. That asshole took from me someone I can't replace and miss every single day. He was part of my inner circle, my closest of friends...

I have no tolerance for such behavior. Zero. If you need help with your drinking, get help. When there is the risk of such a poor and potentially tragic decision if you don't get help or get a designated driver, you need to stop and think for a minute. It's not just your life you're playing with. Because if you get away with it once without anything bad happening, you are more likely to try it again....and again....and again....until something bad DOES happen, like you get busted or there's an accident.

My public service announcement is ff you know someone who needs help, help them get help, or be their designated driver if you can, or let them pass out on your couch.

If someone had made such a small gesture to the guy who killed my friend....I'd have one more reader to this blog and I'd have one of the few people I've ever let into my inner circle AN D see all of my good and bad here to give me their opinion on the best path to take forward in my fluxed little life.


I miss you so much, Flush. I bet you would have had plenty to say when things crashed down a few months ago....and I would have highly regarded your opinion because I sure was blind as hell. You were always good at showing me what I needed to see to make decisions. I truly looked up to you.
(Flush was his nickname I gave him.)


~A.

The Heels played today...oh who cares, it's all about the Lobos now! :P Lobos play away tomorrow, then their next game is the 29th, here at the Pit, against Texas Tech. This game sold out weeks before, it's a pretty big deal here. Assuming we don't lose tomorrow, I KNOW they're looking to hand us our first loss. Dear god, let's just not have another 29% shooting night. Even though we won regardless of that...because we're that damn awesome. My ticket for the Tech game is actually a few rows closer than the others, which puts me closer to the Texas Tech team. Which is bad news for them, but means a good time for me. :P

Cy comes back to the Q in January, and we're totally going to go see a Lobos game at the Pit. This also means I'll have to behave myself. I hope he likes loud...though I bet he can out yell anyone in there!

I spent the day doing some creative writing or at least getting some ideas going. I have a creative writing class coming up in intersession, so why not have a few things to work with ahead of time? Granted I have notebooks full of stuff I could use, but I prefer to not recycle ideas for any reason. Plus I like to write, so it's not a big deal. As much as I am hoping to learn something from this class, it emphasizes process instead of product. Well, I think my process is fine, it's refining the product I think I need to work on. Even then it's more technical grammar usage stuff than anything. I definitely don't remember all the rules, the ones I do use are just second nature to me now. I'll assume the class will include refreshers on that, which will be helpful.


I need an English department faculty member referral in order to be a writing tutor. Assuming I do well in this class, I think I can get a glowing one. The only reason I wouldn't do well is if she doesn't like how I write or what I write about. If that happens then there's no doubt UNM is a sham. I'm not overly concerned though. I'm sure I can figure out what she likes and doesn't like and bastardize my writings to more her liking. I HATE not writing in my natural voice. I wrote it my way for a reason.


Though if there's one major lesson I've learned, it's you have to play the university's game. Meaning you have to work within the preferences of the person in charge. This aggravates me, but I do it anyways. I got dinged pretty hard in the spring semester for attempting to do otherwise. (Still bullshit.)


I consider myself exceptionally fortunate to have reading and writing as very strong points. I've noticed most of my classmates struggle in classes because of a lack of skill in either or both. I know some of the graduate students in UNM's Psy department complain they have to do a buttload of reading and writing. Fucking hell, I'd be happy as a pig in shit doing that. I'd definitely breeze through grad school. I have to read, write and do research? Oh please. I'd be out of there in 4 years easy. Am I a bit cocky? Yeah. But I can back it up. ;)


Are there people smarter than me? Yeah. Better looking? Of course? Know more? Have more talents? Larger accomplishments? Absolutely.


But you better damn believe that I am the most badass combination of all of the above.


Because I do. :)


~A.

This post is not my usual light-hearted or self reflective chatter. This is me drawing a fucking line in no uncertain terms. 



My brother, being my overprotective brother, lurks about on a particularly offensive website, mostly to check if someone I know is talking shit about me. Apparently this person has been leaving commentary/links that my bro thinks are pretty obviously aimed at me. I checked myself, and yeah, they're pretty obviously aimed at me. What amuses me is that for someone who hates me SO MUCH and thinks I'm SO HORRIBLE, in order for them to make said commentary they must do a bit of browsing here and probably also my twitter. They put a lot of time and effort into keeping tabs on me, then feel a need to vaguely refer to me elsewhere. My response is this:


Grow up. Or keep taking the low road, you only make me look like the MUCH better person. I could have quite easily blanketed the internet with your so closely guarded personal info, but I didn't. You however, feel a need to keep attacking me and keep tabs on me. Which tells me I'm still on your mind for one reason or another. I'm sure all the vitriol helps you rationalize and justify your blatantly negative opinion of me, but come on. You're just projecting on to me, because we both know and my bro knows that the real bad guy here is you. You're the villain, you're the monster, you're the problem. This is just another act of cowardice, you honestly can't tell me directly you still have some issue with me? REALLY? You couldn't be direct with me before either, and we know how that went down. Something about me intimidates you, apparently. There also seems to be something about me you just can't let go of considering all the time you spend keeping yourself updated on me. Just wait till your demons dissolve your latest relationship. Bet you'll blame the other person like you do with any interpersonal relationship of yours that fails, just like you did Jenessa and just like you're doing with me. 


Interestingly enough, the other side of the Jenessa story sounds much like my experience with you. You can safely assume that I did indeed track down and inquire the other side of the story. I was far too patient and kind with you. I assumed you only needed someone who understood you, someone to be a friend and could be patient through your...ahem...moments. I was wrong, because you burn all of your own bridges to cover your mistakes.What I assumed was anger about all of this was really me being deeply disappointed at you not being who I thought you were. I should have heeded the warnings from you, from Chris and from Dan. Everything they told me about you seems to be true so far. Even your warnings about being close to you were true. I'd like to be angry, but it's just overwhelming disappointment this is where you took things, this is where my attempts to reach out to someone who I felt was very misunderstood landed me and that this is how kindness and understanding were repaid, by backstabbing, lies, manipulation, cowardice and a lack of integrity. I have no reason to believe that you meant anything you ever said or that any of it was true.


I know I am too forgiving of others, you abused that endlessly. Yet I still believe there is something worth seeing in you. I feel that way about everybody, even those who have been crappy to me. I foolishly keep hoping you'll redeem yourself, that I am completely wrong, that I really did see something good in you and it wasn't smoke and mirrors. I will always hope that. But I know that I am not likely to see any of it in this lifetime and am far more likely to see more of the negative. You've reinforced that by the asshole way you've been acting and how you acted when I tried to make peace multiple times. I'll hope anyways.


You seem to assume everything is about you. You tend to make things about you. This post is definitely all about you.


I'm not.


~A.

You should see all the unposted posts I have sitting around. Yeesh. Totally being lazy about a song but I'm hungry and it's almost dinner time so you're gonna have to deal.

Let's get the basketball talk out of the way. :P New rankings came out, we went from 19th on both polls to 13th on the AP and 12th on the coaches. I think we've gotten everyone's attention. Game on Wed. @ Oral Roberts in Tulsa, OK. They're tough to challenge on their own court, but they've got a few out due to injuries, I think they'll only have 7 or 8 who suit up. Mathematically, we should win, but if we have another night where we only make 29% of our shots like we did Saturday, we're in trouble and might rack up our first loss. They won't have the Pit to rally them to victory or me to taunt the other team. :P Totally proud of myself for putting my statistics and math knowledge to a use that's relevant to my interests. I'm actually using something learned in college! Holy crap! :P I went back and used my method on previous games, removing the stats from games we hadn't played yet to lessen bias, and I was within 3-4 on both teams every time. Went and double checked this on a team that had losses to see if it predicts a loss, and same results. I'm so nerd sometimes.

So, I have my grades, but UNM has yet to update my transcript, of course. This is only any sort of importance because I'm applying as a transfer for next fall. The deadlines are in March though, so UNM has time to screw stuff up some more, as they do. Everything else is done, really. Applications are fully completed, I have all my other transcripts ready to be sent out, official test scores, essays are written and I've finalized them, basically where they are is where they're staying, barring any punctuation or grammar errors. I was going to send them out ASAP after I got my grades updated from UNM, but I think I'm going to hold off until February. As long as I have the application, I can't stress myself out wondering what they think of me because they won't have my app yet. :P

So I'm applying as a junior transfer, and as of the end of the Fall 09 semester I am now officially a junior in college. :P Getting there! Pretty nervous about the whole college app thing, that whole waiting game to hear whether you're good enough or not is gonna mess with me. I overthink things, so I'll get myself all worked up over nothing. I just need to remember to be flexible with my plans and my goals. Doesn't matter how you get there as long as you get there. A college telling me no won't be the end of my life or anything. I may ACT like it is for a couple of days, but at that point it's time to put one of my other plans into action and not miss a step. Stopping, stumbling and going backwards are NOT options.

I got my textbooks over a month early and I've started reading through them, checking what I know on end of the chapter questions and such. I'm basically studying for classes that haven't started yet. Very nerd of me, but there's a reason I'm an academic badass. I don't mess around.

I've noticed, and so have others, my "inexplicable" moodiness has really dissipated over the past couple of months. I'm pretty upbeat most of the time now, though I have some moments like anyone else. They're just not chronic like they were previously. I can think myself out of a funk about as easily as I think myself into one. Sometimes though, I just like being in a funk.

Having Jess here is a blast. We have hours long conversations, play video games, watch movies, I'll just go hang out in his room and chat while he's shooting bad guys or whatever online. He has a 30 inch flat screen monitor, and it's just ridiculous. We'll talk tech, talk Droids (we're both addicted to ours), talk shit, talk anything, really. We even text each other now, something we'd NEVER DONE before. It's awesome.

We were really close when we were kids, and we're back that way now. When we were kids, I protected him. Now that we're "adults", he's really protective of me. REALLY protective. Like he can sense when I'm upset and keeping it hidden. So he'll get in my face and demand to know what's up. Then he'll lay things out for me and help me see things aren't so bad, and in fact they might even be better than before. He's really helped me through some bullshit lately. If anyone can knock some sense into me, it's him. He says I'm the smart one. I think we're pretty equally matched, and THAT is super important. Other people might think our ideas are insane, but between me and him they are the best ideas ever. Of course, I think that mindset is what got us into trouble as kids. :P (I'm pretty sure it is, actually.)

The pace of my life has really slowed down lately, the semester ending, Cy being with my dad in Oklahoma...you'd think I'd appreciate it. In some ways I do, because the stress was taking heavy tolls on me, but at the same time, I feel kinda lost. What the hell is this downtime bullshit? So I keep myself busy with different things, basketball and figuring out stats plus going to the games, reading my books for next semester to see if there's something I need to maybe review before classes start, I went running today for the first time in awhile and I started some new songs on my guitar, I write in my notebooks, I write here, I occasionally go on dates...I'm just trying to immerse myself more in the world and people around me, plus encourage the talents and skills I know I have. I get to really explore my world and things that maybe I missed out on or that I let slide by me. Every day is a new adventure and something new to learn. Things I'd previously dismissed for some dumb reason or another, most likely bad habits from years ago, are now fun and interesting. I'd never been big into movies, but my bro kinda won't let me have a choice. He'll ask me if I've seen some movie that's on or coming on, most likely the answer is no. So he'll say "It sucks and it's terrible, so sit down and watch it with me". We have a great time watching these stupid movies that really do suck and are terrible. We have fun pointing out the ridiculousness in them though. Sometimes Jess will either recommend or we'll watch a movie he thinks is something I'd get into, and he's been dead on every time. We walk around quoting bad movie lines to each other. Or bad song lyrics. He pushes me to step outside of my preconceived boundaries and just shut up and try it. To quote him: "It's about time you joined civilization". Yeah, no shit, Jess, no shit.

So my brother does not currently have a car as he donated his old one since he didn't need it in Boulder and it was not worth fixing. So I drive him around. This is fucking hilarious watching him get into my tiny car. He fits though, and it's not TOO bad. It's still funny as hell. It's called "Driving Miss Daisy in a clown car". That's
 pretty dead on accurate, really.

With every new thing I do, from movies to music to basketball games, the world gets a little less scary to me and a little more familiar. It also makes my world a bit bigger. I was super hesitant for a while, and with every completely new thing I still balk a little. But since all the other times I've just jumped in have gone so well, I think that this new one will too. And it does. I'm becoming exceptionally fearless, I have nothing to fear from the world.

But I damn sure guarantee it has something to fear from me.

~A.

 I love it when both the Lobos and Heels play a game on the same day. It's just basketball all damn day. The Heels played yesterday and lost though, which was a bummer, but not entirely unexpected. And my math was pretty damn accurate thank you very much. I predicted 96-87, it was 103-90. This is probably the only time you'll hear me be proud of math I did. :P Anyways, this season is kind of weird. Last season I was cheering on the Heels because they were rocking, and keeping up with the Lobos more as a well, the Heels aren't playing, might as well. Lost interest in the Lobos, really, was more enthralled with the Heels. Plus the Lobos were kind of embarrassing last year and weren't really playing good games. This season, as we go along, I keep up with the Heels to see how they're doing, but the Lobos definitely have the lion's share of my attention. One because I can get a little more involved since I go to UNM and get to go to the games for free, but a huge reason is this is an underdog story, and I fucking love those. Here's a team everyone, including the fans, had written off, the predictions of what they'd accomplish during the season were pathetic, it's a team with only 3 upperclassmen, one of whom is a transfer and new to UNM this year, our coach has only been here 3 years, and we'd lost most of our upperclassmen and our 3 top scorers last year because they graduated. There was NOTHING impressive or attention grabbing about the Lobos. The team basically thumbed their noses at all of that, they're 12-0, ranked for the first time in 11 seasons, beating top 25 teams, are managing to win even when they're playing terrible (like last night) and despite their youth and lack of time playing together as a team, these guys play like they've been together as the Lobos for years. PLUS they stay humble about it, there's no egos whatsoever on that team. A lot of teams would be like "that game was close, but we won so whatever!" , these guys are "why did it get so close, what can we do better, what did we learn?". Then they bust their asses to improve on it, and the next game you can see where they've made progress. Here's a team proving everybody wrong, and doing so pretty damn well. I LOVE that. I don't know how the story ends, so I'm paying close attention to how the story goes and every time I'm at the Pit I'm also a part of the story. I'll always root for the underdog, but it's even better the underdog is the home team.

 So, last night was our game against Creighton, which I will refer to as craptown for the rest of the post. So, first off I wound up being late, which kinda sucked, because I missed tipoff and the first 7 minutes of the first half. Things WERE NOT looking good when I got there, and by the time the half hit, we were down by 12 and had been down as far as 16. We were missing shots all night long, which was bizarre because we're such a great shooting team. Even Ro was off his game, and I was kinda concerned we were about to get our first loss, and at home, even. However, Ro realized he was having a crap shooting night, and he pulled off some amazing plays, like when he got this rebound of Butter's missed free throw then fed it back to Butter for the dunk. He may not have been the best on the stats sheet, but Ro definitely knew how to adapt and where he could contribute the most. He'd even pass on making shots and pass to someone else who was in a better position to score. He's our only senior, but he doesn't take that as his pass to play like he's the only one who can do anything. He knows everyone's strengths and weaknesses, so he knows where to get that ball to if he can't do something with it.

By some twisted fate, I was seated within shouting range of the craptown parents who showed up. They were talking mad shit during the 1st half, and I told them politely and kindly (hahahahaha) that they wouldn't be so loud during the 2nd half. During the rest of the first half, me and these two dads were yelling back and forth, but NOBODY can talk shit like I can. ;) They were thoroughly offended by the time half time hit. They had their kids' names and numbers on the shirt, and during the 2nd half I knew what my plan of attack would be.

The 2nd half was the best damn basketball I've ever watched and it was intense being in the Pit for it. Now, for the WHOLE GAME, the Lobos hit about 29% of their 2 pointers and 20% of their 3s. When I say it was a bad shooting night, it was a fucking BRUTAL night. Somehow though, we started coming back. Craptown was thrown off their game and they kept screwing up. I would politely (*snicker*) point out to the 2 parents who had talked shit when their sons screwed up. ESPECIALLY if it resulted in points for us. I started a chant of "Sit down craptown" a couple of times too. I am basketball's equivalent of a soccer hooligan. The players and coach were not immune to me either. I have quite the mouth on me and have some pretty creative strings of insulting and profane words I like to use. The looks on some of their faces were priceless. I had a great time.

The 2nd half was so intense because the Lobos were bouncing back, we kept exchanging the lead for a while there and it was close for so long, 1 or 2 point lead for either team. It was so good I was standing and cheering (and talking shit) the whole time, I was going to grab some pics and vid, but I didn't. It was even louder than last time. Most of the Pit was standing during the entire 2nd half. Craptown's coach was yelling instructions to his team, but we made damn sure they couldn't hear them. You couldn't even hear the BUZZER we were so loud.

Butter really feeds off of the crowd, and he loves it. At one point during the 2nd half he was down on the court and he was signaling to everyone to get up, to cheer, to yell, to clap and to do what the Pit does best. He later said that he knew they needed the Pit crowd to get through this. And boy...did the Pit respond. My ears are STILL ringing this morning. I was going to do a video to go along with this post, but my voice is gone. I was clapping so hard my palms are two giant bruises. Damn near everyone in the Pit got as intense, a few of my friends lost their voices too. The HELL if our first loss was going to be on our turf and especially in our Pit! I'm pretty sure the Pit is the only place I can howl at full volume and bark but still fit right in with everyone else. :P

Those craptown parents got real quiet as the 2nd half went along. When the Pit would jump up cheering, they were the only people sitting down, their little corner of blue shirts drowning in a field of REALLY LOUD red. Those two dads would glance at me every so often, and I would just grin evilly at them while they shot daggers at me with their eyes. I'd taunt them every so often when their sons would screw up, and they couldn't really say anything back cause we were coming back at them hard.

I'd calculated the approximate score earlier in the day, but that was based on how many shots we usually make and how many on average each person makes, how many the teams makes, etc. I was WAY off because we weren't making even 30% of our shots as a team. There was no way I could have predicted THAT. It was our worst shooting night of the season, but we STILL won. So we're 12-0, still undefeated, and one of only 8 teams in the country who are undefeated. The others are Missouri State (unranked), Kansas (#1 in the country), Texas (#2), Syracuse (#5), West Virgina #6), Purdue (#4) and Kentucky (#3). And scrappy #19, the UNM Lobos, are in some pretty good company, yeah? New rankings come out tomorrow at noon, we'll see what our spot is then.

It's funny, lurking on the rivals.com, espn.com and all those other sports sites, people are like "WHERE THE HELL DID THESE LOBOS COME FROM?". All the experts predicted we'd come in 5th in our conference, and wouldn't even go to the NIT competition, which is like the consolation prize for those who don't go to the Big Dance. Below the NIT is the CBI/CIT competitions, which are consolation prizes for those who don't go to the NIT, and that's where we were predicted to go. Hey experts, we'll see you at the Big Dance. ;)

Last night I had a moment, looking around at all the screaming fans and our team who was enjoying the hell out of it, the visiting team who wasn't, the fellow students in 26/27...and I thought, UNM SUCKS academically, but I could stay here for this. The experience of a Pit basketball game is addictive, and I love it.

I don't know how I'd justify my presence if it wasn't basketball season though. ;)

~A.

Yeah, I've got b-ball fever something fierce, I know. And yes I remember how I thought sports weren't worth watching, shut up. :P I'm putting my Stats class to good use though!



The latest addition to my car:

Tomorrow is also another Lobos game at 7 pm, this time against Creighton. Some people think this will be a challenging game for the Lobos, but I'm doubting that. They're 4-5, and they don't really have a defense for us and our heavy artillery, and especially not our two lefties that seem to confound everyone, Roman Martinez and Darington Hobson, AKA Ro and Butter. Especially Ro, he can shoot 3s even at funky angles and around people, hell even from the back corner. Butter pulled off a 35 foot bounce pass that went right to Brown's hands and Brown finished with a lay up. It was a seriously impressive pass. Things like that and how smooth he pulls them off is probably why they call him Butter. :P

Now, I don't think they have a chance based on their previous games' play styles/methods, but in a huge fit of basketball nerdiness, they mathematically are the underdogs. (I knew that statistics class would come in handy.) I was on a couple of their fan forums, and one guy asked if they stood a chance against the Lobos on Saturday. Someone else replied "yeah, maybe if the whole team gets H1N1". So their fans are thinking the same thing.

Now, mathematically and defensively they're in a difficult position. The 3rd strike against them is THEY ARE PLAYING IN THE PIT AND HAVE TO SIT IN FRONT OF SECTION 26. That's a pretty big strike, especially if I'm sitting so close. They're in trouble. ;)

Noon tomorrow the Heels play Texas at Texas, and I'm not expecting a win just based on how both have played and ranked this season. Mathematically it looks even worse for the Heels than comparing how each team has played this season. I WANT them to win, but I think it'll be a difficult game. Heels had a fucking impressive team last year and they won the national championship, but this year you can tell they're still trying to figure each other out as a team. They've got a few younger players too, and it takes a season or two to where teams have really gelled together. (Besides the Lobos this season, geez.) That being said, they'll be going to the Big Dance and will do rather well. Though the pressure of measuring up to last year's team is probably pretty heavy. I can see Lobos and the Heels both in the Sweet Sixteen. Will they play each other? Who knows. I'd feel so conflicted if they do, but I'd be Lobos all the way. Heels won the damn thing last year anyways. :P

The game for us Lobos after Creighton is Texas Tech, a game that has already SOLD OUT. It'll be two ranked teams going head to head, and Texas Tech is ranked pretty close to us in the polls, we're 19 on both and they're 16 on one 20 on the other. Like I mentioned before, if someone is gonna hand our ass to us for the first time this season, they're one of the few who have a good shot at it. However, they're playing on our turf, a sold out and full to capacity Pit. Oh, and I'm sitting right there. :P I'm REALLY looking forward to that game, it'll be the first real challenge for the Lobos as a ranked team. And that ranking has made the target on our backs a little bigger, plus everyone wants to be the one that gave us our first loss. I'm expecting a really great game. (Statistically, we have the advantage. Yes, I calculated that too.)

Now, Texas A&M was our second ranked team we beat, and despite it being played on a "neutral" court, the damn court was 100 miles away from their campus. Totally not neutral. But we pulled out a win after a messy second half, and yay for us. Well, their coach, Turgeon (AKA Turd to any Lobo fan) complained that there was only a crowd of 7,757. He also said he was too nice of a guy to say yes to playing us, and that the win was an early Christmas present for the Lobos. He also said he's mad at himself for playing that game and regrets it. Also said he needs a big name school for his fans to get excited, and that no one cared about him playing New Mexico. Said he needs a school like Duke or Carolina (AKA The Tar Heels) and that's the type of team he should have played. Also was grumbling about losing to a 19th ranked team.

HOLY SHIT, what a sore loser! First, his home games average about 6-6500 people. This crowd was about 7500. He was mad that when he played a better known team last year there were 17k people. About 200 of those 7500 were Lobos and mostly family and friends since we have a few players from the area. And that win was a present? Like he just handed us the win or something, in the last 10 seconds we were only up by ONE. We played hard for that win, and to have this asshole trash us and our win like that is just poor sportsmanship. This isn't some fan, THIS IS THEIR COACH. But as a gentle reminder, we were UNRANKED when we kicked your ass and your loss to us made you DROP A FEW RANKS. Our win is what helped us get our ranking, so this guy is a jackass.

Now our coach, Steve Alford, is a guy who runs his program with pride and class. His response:

"I’m confused by it, I really am,” Alford said of Turgeon’s latest comments. “We play other BCS schools, Cal and Texas Tech, and for whatever reason, Mark has chosen to demean us and what we are about and what the Mountain West Conference is all about."
"It’s a game we wanted because we have a lot of Texans to go back to that area. I said it after the game, ‘We’re not Duke, we’re not North Carolina, but we are New Mexico.’ And it’s obvious that Texas A&M is not Duke and North Carolina either."
"And if there’s any kind of Christmas present, it’s that we handed them a Christmas present in that they were ahead 2-0. We’re not going to sit back and let these so-called BCS schools turn their nose down to us."
Turd also tried to say he lost because of bad scheduling. Alford replied "No, you lost the game because you got beat by a better basketball team."

I don't think Duke and North Carolina would disrespect us if they lost to us. I also don't think they'd want to play someone who throws tantrums in the press, they're class acts for the most part. Though NC's coach Roy Williams threw a fan out of the game for heckling. He better hope to god he doesn't ever play the Lobos, cause he'd have an aneurysm. 

"We are New Mexico" has become our slogan and rallying cry. Because the team, the fans, the coach and the university community won't let these big name teams look down on us and we won't let these teams talk trash about us in the press. There's a strong sense of pride in this year's team, and for a COACH to talk like that because he's mad he lost to a then unknown team is not a good way to display what kind of sportsmanship you represent. Now that he's opened his mouth, coaches around the country are putting HIM down for being a poor sport and making his program look bad. Who would want to play a team where the coach goes to the press and starts making excuses and demeaning your program because he lost? Geez. I just can't believe that bs came from their coach. That's really sad.

There's a Bulgarian proverb going around the university:
"If you call one wolf, you invite the pack."

Damn right you do.

~A.

This post is totally going multimedia! Also took me for-fucking-ever to convert and adjust the videos, yes VIDEOS, until they came out right, so just know I spent hours on this post in some way or another. Videos courtesy of me and, of course, my trusty Droid.

So, as most of you know, I went to the Lobos b-ball game last night. Now, I've watched a b-ball game in there once, but it was a purely exhibition for charity game and it was some time ago. Place wasn't half full and section 26 wasn't there. This was a totally different environment.

However, I went in completely prepared to be rowdy and loud (I am shaking with excitement, as evidenced by the vid):




This is a pic from my seat, and my seat for the other 5 games coming up are all right in this area, like a row in front of or behind me.

This was my first time REALLY experiencing the Pit as the stories make it out to be. And it's a far more hostile environment than even the legends portray.

During warmup the Lobos sit by us, the student sections, it's 26 AND 27 now, but I'll just call it 26 as a whole. During the game though, the visiting team has to sit right in front of section 26. I found this to be fucking hilarious. The student section is so insane, we're even mentioned on the men's basketball team wiki page. I had some wrong information, there were about 500 students in section 27...and about 1200 in section 26. All of us being obnoxious, and the visiting team has to sit right next to us. The looks on their faces were awesome.

First, section 26 passed around leftovers of the school's daily newspaper, and everyone took a page. When they announced the players from the visiting team, everyone would hold the paper over their face, then when they called the name we'd yell "WHO'S THAT?". It was so insanely rude that I totally got in on it right away. I'm rowdy watching the game at home, but here I am in the rowdiest section of the whole damn arena where being a jackass is encouraged. I was one of the loudest people around where I was sitting by the end of the game. :P

That's really section 26 in a nutshell, being rude and loud as all hell. When the other team fouls or gets a call on them, everyone points at them and yells "YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU". Even when we foul, we're yelling at the other team "YOU GOT SWATTED". We were even yelling at the other team's coach and the refs. It was a great time, and I had a lot of fun, talked to all the people around me and we're all basically sitting by each other for the next few games, so just the being in section 26 experience was a blast.

The game was fun too, no doubt. However, we beat them 96-57, so it wasn't a super close game at all and I guess in that way not as "exciting". However, section 26 was taunting the other team and their coach for losing so bad, so that was awesome. Seeing the team right there in action was amazing too. Especially watching Ro sink 3s all night long. We've got a lot of good shooters on the team, if they've got Ro blocked, damn near any other of our guys can shoot the 3, just not as accurately as he can. Good enough to frustrate the other team though. Watching how damn well our team works together was impressive too. We've got an AMAZING team this year, and I'm pretty sure we're headed to the Big Dance in March. So far, they're predicting us as a 5th seed and NOT one of the first 8 eliminated. In other words, Lobos in the Sweet Sixteen. Should we make it there, I'm going to be even rowdier than before. I'm super excited about this season and the Lobos b-ball team. We've surprised the hell out of everyone, and continue to do so with just how well we're doing. As least during b-ball season, I'm proud to be a Lobo. (UNM is still a complete failure of the academic system, but at least I get free tickets to all home games.)

Not only is section 26 loud and rowdy, but most of the Pit gets loud and rowdy. Lobos fans are something else. The place was just about full, and it was like really noisy walls of red. It was really just stunning just how much the fans get behind the team. Especially now that we're doing well. It was a really great and LOUD experience.

Walls of red:



For example, here's what it is like when we score:



So there's your taste of the game, and I seriously had a GREAT time. I can't wait until the next one on Saturday!

Speaking of, both the Lobos and the Heels play on Saturday, so I'm excited to see how both do. Lobos are STILL undefeated, so every team is looking to be the one that hands us our first loss. I don't think it will be Saturday though. If anyone, either Texas Tech or Dayton in January. The Heels take on Texas, and I'm suspecting a win there too. The Heels are 8-2, so not too shabby there, and the two losses were close games.

Looking forward to Monday when the new rankings come out, curious to see where we wind up since even last week a few of the AP voters said we should be unranked. Which is fucking retarded, because we've totally earned where we're at. Plus we're playing loads better than some of the teams that are ranked or have been ranked, and I don't just mean win-loss wise. I'll spare you a long statistical analysis. :P Just know I can tell you the statistics, commentary, and rumors about how the Lobos are playing. :P

So there you go, and I've now officially joined millions of other people embarrassing themselves on YouTube. There will be more vids, that I promise.

~A.