Primordial Chaos

Keep the Dream Alive by Oasis, just so happened to be the song playing when I started writing this and I thought it was fitting. That's kind of where I am in life right now, where my real life and my dreams are merging together. Can't find it on YouTube...so deal! :P


I really gotta find a new song, I STILL listen to Part Of The Queue over and over in my car. I'll change it up sometimes, but the majority of the time that's the song coming from my car. I'm pretty sure half of ABQ is sick of it by now. :P I'm not! I do feel like I'm having trouble finding my soul in this town. Either that or UNM is sucking it out of me. Either way.

So I went to the world market to track down a spice for my mother. On my way back, since I had to drive by UNM, I decided to stop. I parked, wandered over to the duck pond for a bit and did some thinking. Last spring I about damn lived at the duck pond if I wasn't in class. I got to thinking about the past year and how damn wild a ride it has been.

The wind picked up and was damn cold, so I went back to my car. Parked next to my car was a del sol, the same color as mine. Me and the guy who owned it got to talking about del sols and ourselves for a minute. He was admiring mine, the matching blue seats, how it was lowered, talked about my headlights and he asked me if I'd just washed it. I hadn't, but the snow and crap didn't stick to my car because I'd hand waxed it a few days ago so it looked slick. His wasn't in the best of shape, clear coat failing, paint fading, glass cracked, seats torn up, it looked like a 14 year old car, basically. (Mine does not, obviously)

He'd just transferred from Wyoming, spring would be his first semester at UNM. Same place I was a year ago, it was December 18th I'd received my acceptance letter, actually. I gave him some advice about dealing with UNM, and just to make sure he stays on top of everything because they won't. Recommended a couple of professors too, just basic trying to be helpful stuff.

I got in my car and took off towards home, but that guy had got me thinking...mostly about how he was a representation of me a year ago. I was a MESS. In every way, mentally, emotionally, physically...I was not on top of my shit. I was new to UNM, new to this type of university life...and I was FUCKING TERRIFIED. Will I make friends? Will people think I'm weird? Will I do well? Will I choke? Will I live through finals sane? Will it be obvious I'm new? To get to my comparison, that guy was new and kinda nervous just like I was a year ago. Then there's current me, confident, no longer nervous, successful every damn which way, know what my path is, I've made friends...I'm on top of my shit. And getting kinda cocky about it. :P Even the del sols were two extremes...his being battered and worn, not in great shape...mine being slick as all fuck...with my public nuisance headlights and loud music. :P

In just a year, holy shit, I've become someone I used to think I'd never be but wanted to be. Confident, social (well, social for me), successful, thriving, hot little car...and her hot little self. Mentally I'm stronger (scary, right?), emotionally I'm stronger and wiser (*mutters about some asshole*), physically I'm in the best shape of my life so I'm stronger there too. I know I come off as cocky, and this next thought is definitely another one of those times. I'm in awe of who the hell I am right now. I'm impressed with myself and the extreme changes I managed in ONE year. I don't doubt myself much anymore, I don't get so damn down on myself, I don't let myself get pushed around and manipulated...I can see what I can accomplish with just me. Anything I damn want to. I've always been a force of nature, but now it's focused and controlled...and I focus and control it.

Hey dad, remember that little girl who thought she was supergirl, who thought she could fly and was invincible?

She's back. :)

~A.