Primordial Chaos

FRIDAY APRIL 2ND IS WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY. So, go get a ribbon or something. Or hell, stop and think of me and my struggle and how much I've accomplished in spite of it. You could go read an article or some research about it. Donate a dollar to a charity. Whatever, just take a minute and put it at the forefront of your mind.



So, I called the lady who hit me and she said she'd call her insurance this morning, she didn't. Got the estimate from her insurance company today, 1300 bucks. They're gonna send a rep to her house if she doesn't call soon. Blue could have been fixed by now. :( I got that I'm dealing with, fucking neurologist appointment coming up that's gonna be hell until then, 3 tests, application decisions...ARGH. Feeling stressed out.

Speaking of stress, if a week goes by me and Warren don't bump heads, then we must not have spoken to each other for a week. :P That's what I get for associating with someone as bull-headed and stubborn as myself. Whatever, I'm usually right. ;) Of course, my dad is like that too, I know where I got it from. He's usually right though. :P I like people that challenge me and my thoughts. Good way to teach me things. You'll piss me off, but it never lasts long. I always come back for more, lol.

I've been hanging out on forums with other students trying to transfer, and I've had some pretty good discussions with them about the whole transfer thing. A few are trying to transfer where I am, so we've banded together about the stress and waiting and the school itself and how whoever from the group gets in will have the others as friends there already. It's nice to not feel so damn alone. These people get why I'm all edgy and weird, everyone else thinks I'm being silly. This is intense, putting yourself up for scrutiny and there's a chance you get rejected. I've already convinced myself I'll be rejected from my first choice, so if I am, it'll just justify my stupid mindset.

That being said, I don't think they'll forget my application. There's 2 essays on there that leave a hell of a mark. They don't glorify how good I am at this or that, they're not show-offy, they're not the typical OMG I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME BEST STUDENT EVER type of admissions essay. They're unusually raw, and unusually personal. My habit of ending everything I write with a parting line that grabs your attention also pops up in the essays. The one that is more of a personal history has a great one that's hard to just skim over. "Most importantly I need to prove this: I have autism but it does not have me." I mean, fucking really. I love that line. Isn't that the kind of spirit you want in a student? It's definitely a display of what my spirit is, spiritual strength isn't tattooed on my right arm FOREVER for no damn reason. The other essay ends with a line (well, two sentences, but you get what I mean by line) about my curiosity. "To me, it seems like there are plenty on the beaten path. Instead, I want to know what's behind those trees over there, and I'm going to go look." It leaves you mid-thought, like the essay isn't finished. Like there's more to it, more to come. You kinda wanna know well, what the fuck IS behind those tress, what happens, what does she find? Is it a bear? Nothing? rotten fruit? An acceptance letter? (Please let it be the last one, I don't want a bear or rotten fruit. :P)

 I don't know where the fuck I got that habit of how I end things I write with a semi-snazzy parting line that leaves an impression, or tries to. I do it on blog posts, I do it at school, I do it in my personal writing...it's just part of my style, I guess. I think in this case, it will be helpful in my standing out. That, and my writing in general is pretty, erm, distinct. This is my medium, I am a master of the written word. This is how I communicate. I can't talk for shit. I'm leaning HARD on my writing skills and memorable (I hope) essays to make me stand out. The being "black" helps too, schools want diversity. Hey look, an autistic minority female, bet we don't have one of those! Well, hopefully, you do now. ;) 9% of autism cases are blacks, the rate is 1 in 98 people are autistic, and 1 out of every 5 people with autism is female. Guess what? We're gonna do some math! (Someone help my dad, he's probably fainted I'm doing math again. :P)

307 million people in the US, 6.5% are black. That leaves us with: 20 million darkies. 2.7 million darkies go to college, so the ratio is 13.5% go to college. (I love the word darkies, it's fun to say.) 338 thousand cases of autism in the US, 9% are darkies: 30,420 autistic darkies. One out of 5 is female so: 6084 autistic darkie females. Doing some dirty speculating for some really rough estimates (somewhere a stats teacher is having a heart attack) and applying the 13.5% go to college to the autistics darkie girls: 822 autistic darkie females in college. Now, about 50% of autistics do not have language skills to function alone (or in college) so now we're at 411. Let's back up and go more precise, 2.7 million darkies and .6 out of every 1000 people have Asperger's. 1620 darkies with Asperger's. 1 out of every 5 is female so: 324. 20% "grow out of" Asperger's, so 260 are left. 13.5% go to college: 35 darkie girls with Asperger's in college.

Don't even start with me on how dirty the math is. I know it is dirty, I did all kinds of rounding and speculating. But it's a decent rough estimate to make my point. I AM FUCKING SPECIAL! :D The rate for Asperger's in biracials is actually lower than that of blacks, BUT, I'm black on my college apps, so I used those numbers. :P I actually looked up all those numbers and did all that math just to write that fucking paragraph to make a not all that important point. You all knew I was special, I don't need to prove it. :)

However, I learned something while looking for those percentages and stuff. Some studies have shown an increased rate of epilepsy in those with Asperger's. Aw, fuck me. I can't catch a break, can I? That sucks. :( Another factor that could be adding to my seizure issues. No way to figure out EXACTLY what is going on, it seems like.

But listen to me. Look at all the shit I have to fight through, the hills I have to climb, look at how NOT easy I have it. Then look at what I've accomplished out of sheer will and determination. Look at how badass I am, how strong I am in all regards. Don't feel sorry for me, cheer for me. Lesser persons would not have gotten as far as I have if anywhere at all. Don't feel sad I have all this extra bullshit to deal with. Feel happy that I am kicking ass all over the place, academically and in dark parking lots, in spite of it all. Be impressed that it can't stop me and that I only do better the harder the road gets. Pity doesn't help me. Rooting for me does. :)

And don't worry, I have much more impressing to do. You're not done being amazed.

~A.