Primordial Chaos

I apologize for the bizarre and basically incoherent things I posted here and on Twitter. They were written in a state of disorientation and stress. I deleted all of said posts.

I need a vacation the fuck away from here or something. My everyday stuff is stressing me out.

~A.

Oh man. I feel sick to my stomach. My 1st choice school app is in and it's complete. Transcripts are there, test scores, my application and what I think are my very strong essays, all there and accounted for. Whatever image of me those things provide is what I'll get judged on, regardless of what that image is. I am so nervous and so scared right now. I'm just laying on my bed typing this while shaking. I feel like I wanna cry. But this is it. I'm a sure in to my safety school, and that's great. However my number one choice is number one for a reason. 2 large reasons, really.

This is not a sure thing, I'm not an easy in. You have to understand I haven't really been in a position where my academic abilities were not enough. This could very well be one. I've ridden pretty high through my life academically. To get shot down at a major turning point would suck. I don't know how I would take it, I don't know academic rejection. I don't want to.

Getting in would require me to make some hard choices. And for the first time be completely on my own without anyone to lean on, or anyone I know even. Just me. That scares the piss out of me. I'd have to build my life from nothing/no one. Can I even do that?

I'm not so cocky and confident now, am I?

~A.

I was thinking about where I've been, where I am, and where I'm going. Where I've been is miserable and hellish, I am glad I was strong enough to break free from it. Where I am, I mean jesus christ. I'm 26, drive a cute blue sports car, am in great shape and look pretty damn good thank you, doing amazing in college, have my best friend back at my side, am loved by family and friends, I easily make friends, conquered a few of my demons, I know where I'm going and what I want to do.

It gets BETTER than this? Holy shit. I can't even imagine.

~A.

So I went on Android's app market and downloaded an app to blog from Alexandroid (no seriously, that name is genius). So there might be more but shorter posts.

I'm not sure that I need a laptop anymore, beyond I store my music on it, maybe writing lengthy papers. (I can write papers on here, really) Isn't that insane? This is a "phone". Everything I do online I can do on Droid. It's pretty much replaced my net book and laptop. Phone is like the last thing I use it for, lol. I'm married to this thing, have been since the day we met :P Technology is crazy with what you can do. I take it for granted, but got to thinking about all the shit Droid does I do. All of my email addresses are linked to it. Twitter, Facebook, blog, reading the news, AIM, mp3 player, youtube...holy shit.

Sometimes I just like to stop and think about the everyday. And analyze the fuck out of it. Always asking why, I think it's why I do well in school. Also how I piss off a lot of people for not taking things at face value. But I have to know. I mean that as I have to know why, I have to learn things on a regular basis, I just need to know stuff. You'd be surprised just how many topics I can hold a fairly knowledgeable conversation about. Fractals, how and why some infinities are bigger than others, a lot of fucking books, the news, politics, psychology (:P), astro/theoretical physics, latest technology (DWOID! Yes it's a w cause it sounds cute when I say it that way), how cell networks work in detail, English grammar and vocabulary, music and EXACTLY why I like certain songs in complete musical notation...that's just the first ones to mind!

How do I know all this? Asking why! It seems as people get older they stop reading or writing as much and definitely stop asking why. That SUCKS because as I get older people know less and I get bored with people faster. >=( Stop being dummies! Just because you can get away with the minimum doesn't mean you should. Everything else about me will fade, but my mind is going to be the most standout aspect of me for quite some time.

That's the good part anyways.

~A.