Primordial Chaos

Bad Reputation by Joan Jett. Too lazy to look for the song, it's late as I write this.

So on Saturday my Lobos played Texas A&M and WON. Granted things got close at the end, like we were ahead by one with 10 seconds left, their ball, but we still pulled off the win. We did have an 18 point lead at one point, but that got carved down when they figured out a strategy to keep Roman Martinez, AKA Ro, out of commission. Dude is ridiculous at shooting 3s. His total average of 3s made in the 3 games prior to this one was 76%, 89% in just the last game, and 53% for the season. Once he gets on fire, the other team is in trouble. My Lobos are still undefeated, 10-0! Kinda proud to be a Lobo right now, we're surprising the hell out of people. I wanna see where we rank on Monday...

The Heels played Presbyterian, and since I could not find a way to watch the game, all I can tell you is they won pretty easily. They're now 8-2. (But not 10-0 :P)

Both teams won, my Lobos pulled off the win over another ranked team even when they shut down Ro and it got really close...I'm in a pretty good mood. I don't think on Sunday that will still be true. Gotta drive back to ABQ...minus the most treasured thing in my life. (Even though this'll post Sunday, I wrote it late Sat. night because I have to drive back to NM.)

For the most part, I have a pretty good reputation overall. Academically for sure, and as far as having to work with me either on a group project or student org event. I have a reputation for being anti-social, but I'm also very open about being autistic so it's not quite so bad except for those who don't know why I'm anti-social.

However, there is one topic on which even my friends bag on me about. My dating habits. I'm a bit of a player. No, I'm a major player, I won't BS you. Not in a sexual way though. In fact that's another complaint that I'm impossible to get into bed and I lead guys on.

I'm not denying either of those. I do date about 3-4 guys at a time. I mean DATE. Go out for lunch, dinner, movie, that kind of dating. Somehow dating also came to mean you're seeing one person exclusively. I don't think so.

As a matter of fact if a guy wants us to be exclusive, I drop him like a bad habit more often than not. I just can't get there. I mean, Warren was a major exception and my friends were all like "what the hell has gotten into you?". But he was a major outlier in the world of men because he was my equal.

That right there is the issue, what triggers my flight reflex. I bore of guys who are not my equal mentally and personality wise. The second they let me control them or I realize I can control them, it's over. I don't want someone who is submissive or weak. I'm rather strong willed and I need someone at least as strong willed as me to tell me when I'm wrong or offer their opinion and be willing to debate it with me because I'm gonna argue I'm right every time. Even when I know I'm wrong. I'm just that way.

I really need to leave this topic alone, but even though Warren and I fought/had heated discussions a lot, we used to be able to just walk away, cool down and respect the fact we disagreed. (Somewhere that got lost and the rapture was imminent.) I loved that we could do that, that we could walk on each other's toes and really state our thoughts without having to filter them. I loved the impassioned discussions and how well we both could defend our positions and respond to how the other person was backing up their opinion or pointing out flaws in logic. It made me have to think fast to stay on my toes with him, he was a master at finding holes in my arguments. He is the only person on this earth (so far) than can calm me down when I'm upset in any form in under a couple of minutes. Which was a nifty trick cause I get fired up a lot, and at times excessively so.

I say all of that to make my point about why I need an equal and why I appreciate an equal and nothing less is acceptable. I don't mind hanging out with and having fun with someone who may not be what I want, but it's not going to go very far. Now that I've had a taste of what it's like to have an equal that way, I want it even more. This also exacerbates the hole in my life where I kept Warren and what is making the loss of him so hard on me. I had that...

I'm very upfront to the guys I date about how serious I'll get, which is not at all. But a lot of them seem to think that more time spent with them will change my opinion, some have even brazenly told me so. No way. I will not compromise that for any reason.

On top of that is my previously discussed issue of being commitment-phobic. Good luck to anyone who thinks they can break me of those 2 things. Anyone who says they can...can't.

So, I go on dates and/or hang out with guys, refuse to go to bed with them, and tend to date a few at a time. Two things have come from this. One, a reputation as a player, which I'm not entirely denying. Second, guys seem to take this as a challenge to try and conquer me. Bad idea. Really bad.

Though my friends JT, P and A-dub seem to think my dating karma has come back to haunt me. Instead of getting asked out by guys about my age, in their 20s...for the past few weeks the youngest guy to ask me out was 33, the oldest 46. Whoa. You'd think they'd just want the prestige of dating a much younger woman, but these guys are the WORST about wanting a commitment, and wanting one right off from the start. I've heard the words "I could see myself being with you long term" in some form or another within days of meeting me WAY more often from older guys. I will not go on a date with anyone more than 8 years my senior now. I had lunch across from UNM in between classes one day with one of the older guys, and he took my acceptance of the lunch invite as a sign I wanted a relationship. He went to the bathroom at one point, saying when he got back we could discuss and agree to certain terms in our relationship, like being exclusive and how much time we'd spend together. I took that opportunity of him in the bathroom to leave, though I left the money for my part of the bill. I'm not a total asshole. A little too presumptuous for my tastes though.

Anyways, now it's just an immediate no regardless of who or what age. Even just dating casually has stopped being worth it because of all the bullshit. I've basically made school my life anyways. (I'd make an exception for Ro though, :P)

Though this doesn't mean I won't get out sometimes. There are b-ball games to attend at the Pit. :P We'll see what I do when b-ball season is over. My life has 2 seasons, summer and b-ball season. :P

~A.