Gas Panic, Oasis. I only like this song because I can relate to what the lyrics say, despite what it was written about. It was written about being strung out on drugs, which is NOT a problem I have. But it's awfully similar to what having really nasty social anxiety feels like. My family DOES feels like strangers more often than not. I get really bad anxiety having to vocally communicate with anyone, doesn't matter who. I prefer to use self checkout to avoid having to say hi or make small talk with a cashier. It takes me about 30-45 minutes to conquer the anxiety to the point where I can make a phone call....to my own parents. Hell, talking to my mom face to face is hard. I hate making eye contact with anyone, even if they smile at me. I dunno, that's just my world, I guess. I'm not unhappy with it that way, I'm unhappy with people who want to make me change it. I like a solitary life. I only have to deal with my own bullshit, and I know how to do that.
My whole world is weird like that. Doesn't make sense to anyone BUT me. You really can't apply most rules and ideas to my world. I still don't know if that is good or bad. It just is. Kinda like me.
Today was my first day of school with my Droid...and there's ONE feature I miss on my Q9M my Droid doesn't have...extended battery. My Q EASILY lasted me all day and even until bed time on one charge, Droid...not so much. Probably doesn't help I keep playing with the damn thing. I was listening to music, reading wikipedia, texting/emailing my bro and trolling a website all at once. Awesome phone is awesome. Big Red (AKA Verizon) is ballsy enough to put this phone up against ATT's iPhone (iDont as the commercials said, to quote, "everything iDont, Droid does" ha!) and damned if they didn't make a hell of a choice to do so. This phone is a hell of a lot better in real use than on paper. I'm impressed, and I love the damn thing to death. Plus I'm not dealing with my freezing crashing Q anymore. Every single one of my email addresses goes straight to my phone, which is nice.
I want this semester to be over. It's been so stressful it sucks. It's been all the personal life shit that's brought me down. Kinda wish I didn't have a personal life. I'd love to be just school school school school. I'd be happy that way, focusing on nothing but studying and classes. The more I experience of other people, the less I like the idea. That's when I feel most at peace, is when I am completely alone somewhere quiet.
The world's a crazy place. Sometimes I don't want to be part of it. Now is one of those times. I just want to be alone. No one gets it, no one understands me. I'm tired of trying to explain myself to people, to get the point across my world is nothing like yours and never will be so you can't apply those things to me. Fed up with trying to explain my existence to others. Sartre - "Hell is other people". No shit.
I'll end with a quote:
"Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."
All I have are words.
~A.
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~A.
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