This is from the chorus of one of my songs. It's fitting for this post.
I came super close to deleting my blogs today. We're talking I was on the "are sure you want to do this" screen type of close. Today was not a good day for me mentally at all. Some of you picked up on that because I hadn't been tweeting much today, and texted/emailed/called to ask if I was ok. I should be thrilled right now, the phone I REALLY want comes out tomorrow, weekend is almost here, was a nice enough day to drive with the top down on my car, working on a really cool project with a professor I really admire and like...
I don't care about any of it. Not only was I about to delete my blogs, I was about to quit the whole running thing, quit guitar, and even quit writing, like do only what is necessary for school. Even then, I'd just do basic essays like everyone else, not the deep and thoughtful writing I do now. I even went so far as to put all the notebooks with my handwritten works in the trunk of my car to take them out to the desert and burn them. Wanted to quit my research position, wanted to leave the honors program, wanted to quit my AMSA officer position, wanted to give up on my transfer dream...I wanted to quit EVERYTHING. I wanted to just give up. I still do. Lately over the past week or so, it's been harder and harder to talk myself into running, into writing my blogs, into going to class...I'm forcing myself to write this, even. Even though it's not a happy or positive post, and I almost don't want anyone to know how much distress I'm in.
This isn't about anything new, and I'm sure you've figured that out. He once told me, rather recently, that I only blog here when he is out of reach, and he thought it was cute. I didn't realize just how true that was, but he was dead right. When my world is disrupted for any reason, my blogging tends to increase, but it was more pronounced when it was about him. This will be blog post #50 since January. 19 of those are in October, when it all crashed down. I've done 6 posts in 5 days for November. I was doing like 1 a month, 2 a month previously.
Everything here is all the crap I would usually be sharing with him. Let's be real, this whole blog is crap. Just random fucking stupid not entertaining crap. If I don't get it out, it just stews in my head and so does the very unpleasant realization I can't share it with him, then I start missing him, then I start crying. Crying right now, actually. I'm trying so hard to just look forward at the adventures and people that await me, in the hopes that for one goddamn time I won't think myself insane or depressed or whatever. Yeah, the rest of the world calls that DENIAL. Then when the dam breaks, I have days like today. I miss him so much and I'm hurting so much...there's nothing I can do about either so now I feel helpless on top of it all. It is better to have loved and lost...bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!
The worst part was losing my best friend. He and I could, and usually did, talk about ANYTHING. Like trailer park pizza, for example. If he found something online he knew I'd like, he'd send me the link. I'd always thought that was awesome, I found out about stuff I wouldn't have otherwise, and it was really thoughtful. He was always trying to get me out of my shell and doing new things. Perhaps stubbornly, slowly, and/or reluctantly...but I gave most of them a try.
He was the only person I had EVER met who I wasn't foreign to. I wasn't weird, wasn't broken, wasn't misunderstood by him...he understood me. It's that I miss the most, just being able to converse with someone who I didn't have to try really hard to relate to. I could just be me, in all my kookiness, and that was just fine, though maybe a little irritating. With everyone else, there's a specially crafted and edited me they get. My online friends get a different Aeris than my dad, who gets a different Aeris than my mom, who gets a different Aeris than my brother, and so this goes for my honors friends, my grad student friends, my classmates, my professors, my fellow AMSA officers, people I randomly have to interact with, people at my research position...everyone gets a different and edited me. I even speak differently and my voice changes with some groups of people. For once in my fucking wacked out life, I didn't have to worry about that shit...I didn't have to stress the social norms, what I could say based on who my audience was, what I WOULD say based on who my audience was...I got to be me. Now I'm back to having to always be pieced out to different groups of people, never getting to combine them all and just be.
I would give up and/or do a lot more than I want to admit just to have my best friend back. His friendship, his influence on my world...I wish I had let him know more often just how precious and appreciated that was to me. I can't replace it. Ever. The things I would put myself through so I could have my best friend back are almost disturbing. None of it can be any worse than this though.
It feels like this might break me...shattering my spirit, my will, my ferocity...I'm a fighter, you all know that. It was bound to happen sometime, but this has brought me to my knees in a way I don't think I could go through a second time. Fuck, I can't seem to get through the first time. I'm in physical pain over this. Fucking soulshattering mental distress. I don't know what to do, don't know how to feel better. I feel like I'm losing my mind, I feel like pieces of me are dying, it's fucking surreal in a REALLY BAD way.
I don't know if I'll continue blogging or running as of right now. I'm losing my grip and I just want to let go.
I'm taking myself out of everyone's reach tonight, I am not responding to any one through any sort of medium. I may even be out of touch through phone, IM, email, text, twitter and here for a while. If it happens, don't take it personally. It's not about you.
It's about me. Right now, it needs to be, I need to get back to being ok.
~A.