So, today was terrible. Got the estimate for my car, 1100 bucks, and the other girl's insurance keeps trying to get me to say I was at fault. They called me 3 times today. I left my lights on this morning and came back to my car to a dead battery. Thanks to the lovely cold/wet weather, I slipped and wacked the back of my head on the ground, there's a good sized bump back there. Classes went ok, but were kinda boring outside of the professors' jokes. I go to get a prescription refill, the pharmacy is like yeah we're not going to accept that prescription because of the paper it was written on. So I had to drive back to the dr's office, pick up one written to make them happy, and back again to get it filled. 50 minute wait. Fuck you, I'm going home. I also almost got hit by an SUV pulling a trailer, I was in the turn lane and he decided to get in the turn lane on top of me, of course suddenly and without a turn signal. What karmic sins am I fucking paying for today? Jesus.
It's Friday. I can just chill and relax to gather myself for the next week. It's 5:30 pm and I want to go to bed. I just don't want to deal with today any god damn more.
~A.
For reasons beyond me I woke up at 2:30 am wide awake. I guess I'm stressed out, school started, some bitch hit my car, Ryan's leaving... It's a lot to deal with, keeping everything and yourself in a healthy balance. I was productive, I filled out every last damn form including the applications for the schools I am looking at. Those are completed, essays are completed. All I need to do is submit. Waiting on UNM to update my transcript/gpa with my creative writing class, then I can order official transcripts. I'll submit everything all at once on the same day. Even if UNM gets their shit together (yeah right) soon, I'm going to wait until late mid February to submit. Deadline is early March, and I'm already going to be edgy until decisions come out in April or so. I'm going to be edgy as soon as they have my app, so I'm trying to stall to minimize my time spent criticizing myself over some small detail on an essay or the application. I know I'm going to. I am harsh on people in general (I'm not sorry) but I am absolutely harshest on myself. I can't control others, but I am in control of me and god dammit I expect the best from me...nothing short of perfection.
Yet here I am, about to ask a couple of colleges if they think I'm good enough. I obviously think so since I'm applying, but will they? That has me pretty nervous. I hate subjecting myself to criticism. It tends to get me criticizing myself pretty heavily. I don't like coming up short for other people. I either get in or I don't...but what does it say about me if I don't?
So I put on my running gear to go run, and as soon as I step out the door I get pelted with sleet. So I came back inside and wrote this. :P It was almost 50 outside too, pretty warm for 3-4 am. Fuck you, weather.
P made a good point at lunch today. He's totally batshit and sometimes obnoxious but he's smart as hell and a great friend. We were talking about how I'm sporting a more feminine look this semester, and a couple of our other friends mentioned that it didn't seem like I was me. P said that it's just another side of me that was unseen, everything and every way I present myself is in fact a part of who I am. He said I am completely unable to be anything I'm not. (all paraphrased) He's right. I can oscillate between girly and tomboy and ninja and badass with ease, and all are a part of me and all have their own appeal at times. I'm pretty confident as all of those and even others so I do all of them well. I only recently realized I'm a super attractive woman. I've always thought I was ok or maybe slightly above average. I am how I feel, I guess. I noticed the quality of guys who try and hit on me has improved. This is important since UNM is in the middle of a sketchy part of town and creepy guys are rampant. Now I'm landing guys like Ryan. :P
I'm sleepy again so I'll sign off here before I become incoherent. :P
~A.