At least somewhat. Namely this post is all me, baby. :P
P, I know you were being obnoxious but dear jesus god can you get in touch with your inner myspace negro NOT on my blog and on, say, myspace? I know you were just trying to get at me, but your post was hard to read. And stop trying to make Ryan jealous. Troublemaker. :P Though that's probably why we're friends.
Ryan, you're good. You are free to post more glowing adorations of me at your will. :P
Ok, so I started tweeting about this but decided it really merited being in a blog post. To catch some of you up, I'm in Mustang, Oklahoma...the town where I grew up. And it's depressingly weird. This town has the same name, some of the same streets and schools, some of the same people, but it isn't the town where I grew up if you get my drift. It's quite blatantly a town where white flight meets interstate culture and it's an ugly mix.
The white part isn't new to me, I grew up here with these people and their bullshit. Seeing a place that was the setting and defined a large part of my life turn into any old town you could find off a major highway is a downer. A town you just pass through, and those who are here seem to be trapped...that's all it is. Maybe all it ever was. I feel like I-40 poisoned what little was worth remembering of my youth though. Interstate culture.
Repeating myself, but this is now just a pissant town with a Wal-Mart and an Applebee's as stark reminders that now this town has been assimilated into a place like all the others where close to the highway there's a Wal-Mart and an Applebee's. Actually, for the two major exits west of the one for here...there's a Wal-Mart and an Applebee's at both. Less than 10 minutes apart from each other and this exit.
Highways seem to breed this type of place relentlessly. I-40 is major because it spans the country but also has some meanings in my life. Using my Droid, as I do, I decided to head east and west on I-40 looking for Wal-Marts and Applebee's. This bullshit repeats itself both east and west of me fairly often. Even the exit for my mom's house in Albuquerque...right across the street from each other an Applebee's and Wal-Mart. It's easy.
Easy exits, easy food, easy shopping, easy to get on your way. That's all it really is. It's really kind of a fucked thought that the cement ribbon that binds me to a lot of other people or maybe used to is the exact same thing poisoning my childhood home. I-40 was a symbol, a way, or a scene of many things that shifted my life and who I am. On both ends of I-40 are friends who turned into loves who turned into gaping holes in my life. Heading east on I-40 still turns my gut a little. Both of my parents live just down a street you can exit to from I-40. I found out my parents were divorcing while on I-40. I have 4 people I know other than my parents I can name off the top of my head who live just off of an I-40 exit. This fucking thing binds me in ways I can't shake and in memories I can't forget. And not usually happy stuff. It already had a poisoned grip on me. But to see my hometown turned into just another highway exit just makes the poison that much stronger and corrupts most of my childhood memories. This isn't the town I grew up in. This could be almost any major exit on I-40, except I know some of the streets, a few people/places and the name. This place sucks even more than it did when I was younger.
So I really just said to myself "fuck this place" and exacted my revenge on the locals, many of whom I recognized...and many of whom gave me static in the past about my skin color and atheism. All of those who are not familiar with me are being punished for apathy and/or complacency about the town they live in. Growth does not equal progress. I hop in my del Sol, turn on some really obscene rap music, crap I don't even like, and then drive around town and through church parking lots with bass thumping and dirty words blaring. I get yelled at, dirty looks, some hand gesture I think means I'm number one, people shake their heads at me, roll up their windows, tell their kids to cover their ears...and I love it. I'm mischievous as is, but this time I'm the only one in on the joke. Even knowing the joke and the punchline, reading this doesn't let you in on the joke.
In a way it is revenge. The way I was bullied and tormented regularly while not even school officials gave a shit, the racial slurs and skin color comments...everything they used to label me a pariah and then used to make me one. Outsider, outcast, not one of us, stranger...an enemy. Over stupid shit like good grades and skin color. Ignorance had to be bliss because I was miserable. I had no recourse. I was just a kid.
Now things are different. I'm still definitely an outsider with my New Mexico license plate, still a bit of an outcast over skin color (the local Wal-Mart had THREE employees follow me while I went to get some Dial soap), I'm still not one of them, so I am a stranger and an enemy. I'm still labeled as a pariah and treated as so. But I'm not a kid anymore, I can torment them and get away with it now. I get to be the one laughing while they are upset or annoyed.
I have my del Sol, Superbass equalizer setting, a very nice sound system and vulgar rap music. So I go for leisurely drives through towns and around churches with this pretty offensive music absolutely hearable outside of my car. All windows down. Evil smiles. Remember how I said I can only affect people as much as they let me? I learned that lesson about how much you can affect people and people can affect you through the bullshit I got dragged through with these assholes. Now I'm teaching the class so to speak. Not the fastest learners, but that's ok it makes it much more fun for me. Here I am in a small town full of christians, country hillbillies and conservatives. And I know how to get their goat. So I do it, repeatedly. Last night/morning at 4 am I did this while driving through neighborhoods. Slowly. I got to watch lights flick on as I drove by while Dr. Dre is informing them "bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks".
I'm self confessing this is an asshole thing to do and immature. But I'm pariahed already so fuck it, I'm going to have some fun. This town means nothing to me anymore and neither do all of the people in it. I'm the one left laughing. That part I REALLY like. Introducing small town Oklahoma to complete inexplicable ridiculousness, AKA me.
So, every god damn time I go into Wal-Mart I see someone who I went to school with at one point or another and dear jesus god did they age like milk. Even just as lumpy and chunky. I've actually dropped a bit below my ideal weight range, which is 165-175 and am in the mid 150s. I look straight fucking hot, really. They don't. Hell, despite being a few pounds over what I was in high school, I'm 2 dress sizes smaller than I EVER was at a nifty size 8. More muscle, more strength, more confidence, more ego and more attitude problem. Less fear and less reason to care what people think. I honestly think that when I was overweight, no I was OBESE at almost 100 pounds MORE than the body I'm rocking right now, that what kept my ego in check was the body image issues and complete lack of confidence. I didn't look or feel how I thought. That problem is solved a few times over. My ego is rampant. I'm having fun with it, but apparently others don't like my free concerts.
So now I feel pretty powerful. I'm not the shy girl they would hit or kick until she cried...the girl who went to the ER for stitches in her head because some racists hit her with a brick...the girl who never spoke up or fought back. I'm so completely different, I'm stronger, smarter, faster, wiser, fearless of other people, confident, cocky and kinda pissed off about the past.
Welcome to my "chip on the shoulder" party. Enjoy your stay. And some bass heavy explicit rap music.
~A.
I knew P would tell his view straight up, and he sure did. Went even further than I thought he would. Said some shit that kinda embarrasses me too, but I completely expected that. That's just what P does. His writing is probably the most embarrassing part. Christ. A very bizarre juxtaposition to how I write, for sure. He definitely gave a different view of me than me or Ryan. He really will say whatever he thinks with no filter which is part of why I like him. I really don't even know what to say to what he said.
I think I'll just explain the babygirl nickname, because it's a mocking term of affection. Neither of them explained my nicknames, they're habit for them I guess. One day this very obese lesbian was hitting on me and she kept calling me babygirl. At first I just ignored her loud ass because I didn't think she was talking to me. She tapped my shoulder and said "are you deaf babygirl? I'm talking to you". I asked her if I could help her and she asked me for my number and a date. I said not interested and turned back to talking to my friends, one of which was P. She didn't take a hint and kept saying babygirl and demanded I look at her when she is talking to me. She eventually grabbed my arm and P stepped in and told her politely to leave me alone. He always talks in a calm tone of voice, but by polite I mean he deadpanned a stream of profanity in her face. For like weeks after that he would come up to me and grab my arm and call me babygirl. After a while babygirl just became my nickname without the armgrabbing.
So there's your introduction to P and his point of view and style. So I'm working with 3 very different people and perspectives and the dynamic is going to be interesting.
(Seriously P, your post gives me a headche to read.)
~A.
hey every1 im p. ms aeris has mentioned me a few times. shes my homegirl. i kno w/no question she has my back. she did a stand up job on making da bitch flip out n getting my drunk ass home n shes a troublemaker dat way. im sure aeris has been just waitin 4 dat cuz aeris hated dat girl n tried 2 warn me but now i kno 4 sure aeris was rite bout dat girl. ill listen from here on out 4 realz.
i promised ms a id try 2 break up my post n2 sections nstead of 1 big thing n sorta try 2 not write like a "13 year old on myspace" as she said. she said make it readable at least so I did dat. shes gonna lose her shit when she sees da txting shorthand n da english fail but we all cant write like her. otherwise i wouldnt have her check my essays lol.
ur not gonna get a post like mr sappy ova dere from me. tho ryan is def a good man. weve been chillin since he hooked up w/ ms a. i approve of him. i didnt approve of el asshole n if ms a woulda told me da shit she was going thru while it happened i woulda gone 2 his town n beat da hell outta ne1 w/da same name 4 a 20 mile area 2 make sure i got him. ryan is diff tho. he really cares about her n he gets all mushy n sissy ova her. dere sitch is fucked tho. kinda cruel 2 get these 2 2getha then he has 2 go away. tho da sooner those 2 realize hes n luv w/her da sooner they can do somethin w/o dis denial bullshit. u 2 so wanna b 2gether. no commitment my ass. yall 2 so full of shit. i can tell by da way he holds her n looks @ her. he makes me gag w/da sappy shit but im happy 4 my girl.
thos 2 have a fukin weird relationship. they havent had sex. she sleeps @ his house n they snuggle n talk every time. 2 grown ass ppl takin cuddles n shit ova sex wtf. they sure kiss like they gonna hump themselves silly tho. i admit babygirl is hella fine n if she stayed da night w/me id hump her silly. how he resists i dunno. but i respect babygirl 2 much 2 get w/her. n i think my boy ryan is just wat she needs. their relationship is based on friendship n similar interests n compatable personalities. dats sum nauseating eharmony type shit rite dere.
i see da loyalty shit came up n other posts n she is def 2 goddamn loyal 4 her own good n it bites her sumtimes. howeva shes loyal 2 her friends n shes been dere 4 homework help girl trouble taking our drunk asses home n wateva. babygirl can handle herself but our group of friends protects her since shes so good 2 us. dats our homegirl n we dont fuk around when its about her.
ryan said shes life changing n she is. he said it betta than i could. u gotta see shit diff w/her n she makes u see shit diff. she thinks 2 damn much tho. sumtimes bout shit she should 4get. she can def get on a persons nerves pdq 2 w/her bitchin when shes upset. she also has shit taste n guys usually. ryan is diff tho. but if he hurts her we gonna kick his ass bcuz dats our homegirl n we luv her 2 death. she has less bullshit then most girls but u get tired of it faster. but u rarely get bullshit from her. she has 0 patience 4 girls who statrt shit n slap us guys bcuz we cant hit dem. well we cant but babygirl can n shes hopped n a brawl or 2 defending her friends. not neva has some broad brought down babygirl n a fite n ryans has it rite shes def badass.
babygirl is also batshit 4 serious. i think its mostly ego but deres sum real crazy n her head. not like killer type but like truble type. shes def a devil gettin n2 mischeif n shit. it makes her fun tho cuz she will try pranks n shit dat r funny if it aint u. its hard 2 stay mad @ her w/her giggles n smiles. ryan is rite she is def cute n adorable. i think she does dat os we dont smack her lol.
dat whole badass story is a lie cuz da only song eva playin in her car is part of da q. on everytime i roll w/her. i kno u like da song but damn. i think every1 n abq has heard da fukin song. new song now plz thx.
babygirl is outta town n ryan is hella moping around n driving me nuts. all he can think about is her n all he can talk about is her. girl got major voodoo on him. but i think hes got her under his spell 2. shed neva admit it but she wouldnt b w/him if it wasnt somethin she thot is worth somethin. specially since shes burned from da last jackoff. id like 2 take dis moment 2 rub babygirls previous rants about neva fallin n luv again n her face.
o man ryan said somethin dat made me sick da other day. he held her face n his hands n said w/her honey mocha skin dark chocolate curls milk chocolate eyes n cherry chocolate lips she had 2 b da sweetest thing hed eva seen. fukin realy? i still cant believe i heard dat shit from his mouth. its also kinda weird hearin shit like dat about babygirl. shes 1 of da guys 2 most of us. ignorin dat shes a fukin stunna type beauty. if a guy looked as good as her id prolly b willing 2 go gay lol.
all n all shes a good girl n a gr8 friend. she pisses u off sumtimes but u cant help 2 luv her. def glad she has me here 2 balance dat luvsick image of babygirl ryan put here. she mite b a girl but she is prolly tuffer than ne of us guys. ne girls we bring around babygirl get hella green eyed bout her n aint a damn guy in da group who aint had some girl flip out bout him chillin w/babygirl. she luvs dat shit n kinda gets a kick outta bein hated. shell provoke a sitch 2 just bcuz. she did dat lots w/da bitch. my ass wasnt gonna get n between them bcuz i knew push come 2 shove id pick babygirl ova ne girl im seeing. bros b4 hoes ppl. n shes nuthin less than a bro.
-P-