I keep saying I'm going to test posting from my phone, but I decided to wait until my replacement gets here since my phone is having all sorts of issues. Also why my twitter has been unusually quiet.
I'm writing this on my netbook on the bus to school. :) I've really gotten into the free open source programs. I use Thunderbird to keep up with my 6 email accounts, Sunbird to keep track of events and classes, basically where I need to be when, Open Office (Star Office on Linux, which for obvious reasons I prefer the name) and of course Linux. I've even gotten savvy enough to where I can customize my own version of Linux. Everything but the Dell is running it, and only because I'm afraid to change anything on the Dell since it will probably burst into flames. I'd get another laptop, but it does what I need it to do, which is basically run Windows on the off occasions I need it and my messenger program/Thunderbird. I tend to spend a lot of time on my netbook, because I just like it. :P I voided my warranty the day I got it by putting in a 2gig stick of RAM instead of the stock 1gig. From that moment on, I got absorbed in what all can I do with this thing. I ALMOST put XP on it since I was having so many issues getting a grip on Linux. Then I decided I'd learn just how to customize Linux and tell Bill Gates to kiss my ass. So, my netbook came with Xandros, a version of Linux I'm only partial to because of the name. So, I got the code, edited it a bit, and I call my version Ale.Xandros (oh shut up it's clever). I've not had a single damn issue with it, plus I made it easy for me to use. :P That's my nerd confession of the day.
My brother told me about this test that will tell you if you will ever master programming or not. It's so bizarrely accurate, in the study there were NO exceptions, those who scored low failed out or quit before failing out of a programming class/program, those who did well, continued to do well. Of course, both me and my bro scored high. People tend to be surprised I know how to program (somewhat, I'm not my bro my any means, so I tip my hat to him) but if you've read the previous post, my mind is VERY highly system oriented. Also, I master language fairly well, and basically code is very much like a verbal/written language, this means this in code, this means this, just a matter of translation. Oh, and my minor is Computer Science. I remember talking to him telling him about the compsci classes I need to take. He graduated from the same school with his degree in compsci, so he was giving me all the hints and tricks, what classes to take, offered to help me and even do some of the coding. That was pretty cool of him.
I've had a bunch of people tell me to switch to Win7 recently. My response was to see what it could do that was so amazing, then program it into my Linux which I'm still working on. So fuck you, you consumer slaves. :P
Yesterday I pulled a 22 hour day. Of course, the last 2 hours were spent watching Alien, the first one. We watched the second in class on Monday, and to my surprise it scared the hell out of me. So it only makes sense to continue to scare the hell out of myself. :P I'm kinda obsessed, gonna watch the 3rd one tonight. Hate watching crap out of order, but eh, from here I'll do them all in order, just had to get caught up! It was pretty funny last night, I was watching it on my laptop while laying in bed, and I kept hiding my face into a pillow when I got scared. I was more often than not peering over the pillow watching the movie. Of course, I was watching it in the dark. I didn't see my cat Metro sleeping in my dresser, and he wanted to snuggle, so he jumped on the bed. Scared the hell out of me, I screamed and fell off the bed into the floor. I'm such a weenie, but it's cool. I am enjoying myself and definitely laughing at myself.
So I'm taking a psych research stats class. I took intro stats last spring and it was way more involved, so this stuff is really watered down stats. So I saw my prof outside of the classroom, and he recognized me and said hi. Now, I'm turning kind of red because I only go to that class to turn in homework and take tests. He mentioned he never sees me in class, except on test and homework days. I just smiled at him. He then commented about how he is shocked I'm pulling a 98 in his class while never showing up. I winked and smiled and just said “Well if I'm doing so well not showing up, I guess I should continue since it seems to be working for me”. He laughed and said why can't I have more students like you. I told him because I am a unique force. He nodded said “I guess so” and walked off.
That anecdote ties directly into my displeasure with UNM. I've mentioned before I go to school to learn. However, I'm coasting through a lot of my classes, and not really learning what I think I should be. I want to know exactly what the hell I'm doing and I want my basics down solid before going on to graduate school. I've kept every single textbook just so I can go back and either look stuff up or refresh. I've experienced more than once the pre-req for a class NOT preparing me for the next class in the series. Glad I kept my books, sheesh. I know people are like a college is a college, some are just more famous than others. Even my dad says I should stay at UNM and just grad from here, a degree is a degree.
Those of you who have had this conversation with me know I'm giving a lot of pushback to that type of commentary. Here's some more in a very blunt and direct style:
Listen. Maybe it's acceptable to everyone else to just get the piece of paper and go on. At the same time, look around you at all these college graduates who don't know shit about what they majored in or even basic grammar. That under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is acceptable to me. Good enough isn't good enough for me. When I start my career, I want to know what the hell I am doing, and know it well. Anything less is selling myself short and doing a disservice to anyone who hires me assuming I have a knowledge base my education may not have given me. Not acceptable. Maybe I'm unusual in my demand for a quality education. Maybe I'm expecting too much from college. But I refuse to believe I'm alone in my thinking. Those of you trying to tell me otherwise ARE HOLDING ME BACK. Do you get it? I am not living up to my potential whatsoever here. That's why they keep throwing honors and shit at me for being above mediocre. They're not demanding better of me as long as I am better than the status quo. That's not enough for me. At all. I refuse to stop pushing myself, to stop trying to learn more and be better. I'm kind of tired of being told what other people think is best for me, since a lot of you don't seem to god damn know.
I know, for most of you anyways, your intentions are good. There is quite a bit of logic to everyone's ideas and opinions. But you all should know me better than that. This is also why I have not released my final list of 4 (yeah I added one) schools I want to escape to. I don't want to hear the bullshit. Everyone is a critic, and I'm sure someone will say something negative about each school. I've spent about 20 hours on EACH school to make sure everything is what I want. I've gone through every single kind of review to get exactly what I want, from rate my professor to US News to forum lurking...trust me I'm on this like stink on shit. I've settled too many times in too many ways, not just education. So, if you aren't behind me you are in my way, and this train has no brakes.
I'm having an aggressive day, actually it seems like every week I get a little more focused, a little more determined.
Kinda sad today though. Just kind of going through the motions.
~A.
Back to normal, a song title, Van Hunt is the artist. :)
This is going to be a brief post, but something interesting to some of you.
So, yeah, I'm pretty severely autistic. I was told this when I got my test scores back when I was originally diagnosed. I kept being autistic to myself for a long time. I felt like I was broken, that I was a....defect. In the past two years I've really come to grips with it, and am not so ashamed, it's kind of my badge of honor at this point.
Anyways, I was going through some papers in my desk, and I found some of my original test scores, and also the retests I did recently. The scores didn't change AT ALL. I don't entirely understand how I have such control of it but yet the scores didn't change, but whatever. So, for the first time, my scores and a brief explanation. I have nothing to hide anymore.
I have 3 test results (there were a few more, but can't find them...) and these 3 are the most common tests used to gauge if you show up on the autistic spectrum.
First one is the Autism Spectrum Quotient, or ASQ. The ASQ is out of 50, the average is about 16-17, over 32 are STRONG autistic tendencies.
My score: 45/50
Next up is the Empathizing Quotient, basically how well you understand and read facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, feel empathy, the social skills autistics tend to suck at. It's out of 30, the lower the score the worse you are at empathy. Women tend to score higher than men, but both average in the mid teens or so. This is the score that shocked me the most, that I was this far off base in regards to interacting with people.
My score: 2/30
Last is the Systemizing Quotient, basically how analytical and detail oriented you are, or how much you analyze everything as parts of a system, I guess you could say. The higher the score, the more you display this autistic tendency. This also includes thinking things to death trying to find a pattern or logic in it. (This is probably one of my worst faults, really.) It's out of 80, men tend to score higher than women, engineers tend to score higher than the average regardless of their sex. Women VERY VERY rarely score high on this test. I mean fucking rarely. Engineers tend to score in the high 40s and low 50s, others about the 20-30s. Actually my score on this caused them to retest me twice, they were in fucking disbelief because, of course, I'm a female who scored high. It wasn't much of a surprise to me because I'm well aware of just how intense I analyze everything.
My score: 77/80
I do tend towards the extremes of EVERYTHING, don't I? :)
Some side info, as far as personality tests, Meyers-Briggs I'm an INTP, and out of the Director, Builder, Negotiator, and Explorer, I'm very strongly Director with some secondary Explorer. If you are not familiar with these tests and what those types mean, they have this thing called Google. :P
No wonder I'm introspective, I'm fascinating as hell. ;)
~A.
I've deviated from my usual theme of using titles/lyrics of songs. It stems from a conversation I had at school a few weeks ago. I bought these Converse shoes (seriously, I'm addicted to Converse, if you can't think of a gift for me, a brightly colored pair of Converse is like one of the best gifts ever) and they are silver glitter. Not just silver though, but kind of like the surface of a CD that reflects all sorts of other colors kind of silver. (I know at least one of you is going to flip over a CD to see what I mean.) When I'm walking in the shade, they basically look like silver glitter and grey from a distance. When I step into the sunshine....just wow. They really sparkle and shine, and people do double takes when I walk by because they're REALLY glittery and attention grabbing. Anyways, I was strolling to class in the sunshine wearing my shoes for the first time, sparkling with every step (as I do), smiling, and a friend of mine spots me (yeah, like that's hard). He comes up and tells me my shoes are pretty awesome and that they are very me. I jokingly asked if I reminded him of Liberace's closet, and his reply, which I'll never forget, is this:
"No, because with every step it's like you are dancing on stars, and THAT is very you."
That still makes me smile. Anyways, there's the long winded and sorta boring story of where I got this title from.
It's funny that I didn't title this from a song because it's another soliloquy about music. Something about me and music that I only never noticed until recently.
Basically where I am AND what I am doing dictate the genre of music I prefer. My musical base is definitely funk/funk rock, RnB, a little bit of hip hop, soul, acid jazz, and whatever the hell you can label Jamiroquai as. A large majority of my music collection is from these genres. This is the music I like to listen to when I'm working on homework, getting ready in the morning, winding down in the evening, it's my music for me in my "ground state". However, when I'm walking around campus or out running errands (seriously, I'm never without my headphones), I can't stand the slower paced music or Jamiroquai. So it's usually funk/funk rock and upbeat hip hop, but throw in alternative as well. A bit of a deviance from my base, but hey, I'll go with it.
In my car, I ONLY listen to rock music, or what I like to call driving music.It is THE ONLY TIME I listen to rock, really. Barring looking for new music/artists, but as far as just straight listening, ONLY in my car. Major deviance from my base, and it kind of shocks people who know me and my "usual" music. This also includes large amounts of Hendrix, you have a great chance of catching me listening to Foxy Lady or All Along the Watchtower as I drive by, I heavily favor those. The only non-rock song I listen to in my car, this will surprise no one who has known me for a while, is Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai. I run the range of rock music, at least 20 different artists currently in my car, and I've recently added Oasis to the mix. This is fucking strange because outside of my car, there's like 3 songs I can tolerate. Inside, ALL OF THEM are good. I figured this out on accident because I grabbed the wrong stack of CDs I'd burned (and didn't label) on my way out the door.
In my car or when I'm out and about walking around are the only 2 real anomalies. If I am sitting somewhere (on campus on my netbook for example), or at home, the music and the lyrics directly reflect my mood, as I mentioned in a recent post. If I'm pissed, it's a song about being pissed (I have a lot of those, hmmm....) sad to sad, happy to happy, you get the idea. Music is just integral to who I am. Even the pace of my step and the beat of my heart set a rhythm and a melody.
I talked to my dad earlier, and I think at SOME point I'll just have my own damn website. I'd like to combine all my online presences into one place, plus have a place to maybe post some of my writings. Pics here, blog there, twitter, I update this one but not that one, just bleh. I wonder if I could program a feature to where I can post updates from my phone....(I'm a nerd what do you expect?)
I like how I consider THIS post a "short" post. Guess I'm a bit long winded and verbose. :)
Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to conquering my world.
~A.
Yeah, I know I was hella trippin' Sunday, but when I get my emotions out of my head and out into the world, I feel a million times better. Actually not even just emotions, but thoughts too. I will think something to death and back, but if it's "written" down and out to people who know me, be it an email, blog, whatever, my mind clears pretty quick. But it has to be written down and to other people who know me. Writing it to myself or saying it just makes it worst. On top of mental clarity, it's good to let the people around me know what's up.
Anyways, I am definitely feeling so much better today, I've been singing and smiling all day. I can't spend too much time being sad, this semester will make or break my college apps and if I fuck it up cause I'm moping about then I'll fucking hate myself for it. That's not to say I won't have some moments, but they will get further and further apart until they're not at all. This shit came at a fucking bad time, but I gotta keep my business on lockdown.
Oh, the fucking college apps. It's exciting AND scary, every time I log in to work on one of the apps I get butterflies. I WAS going to submit ASAP, but it's better to wait for this semester's grades. That way I have all my shit in a row at once, instead of sending in my app in pieces slowly over the semester. Also gives me time to write the damned essays, ugh. As good of a writer as I am, and as much as I ramble about myself here, you'd think having to write a short essay about myself would be easy. But it's not! I have to decide what about me is important for these schools to know, and that's kind of hard when it's a short essay because there are a lot of good things about me academically. (Sometimes my academic strength is my only redeeming factor....)
I started this post yesterday, but didn't get to finish it. It said I might be in the school paper, and sure as shit stinks I am. It's just a casual interview, nothing horribly exciting, and there is a pic of me plastered on the front of the paper. My mom said I "look like a bad ass but sound like a philosopher". Which is pretty true for the most part. It's a horrible pic from a weird angle though...and now people are recognizing me right and left, a small taste of fame (I hate it).
Plus, I'm not there for attention, I'm not there to find a guy to marry (AKA get my M.R.S. degree) I'm not there to show off just how tight of clothing I can fit into or hiking around campus in 4+ inch heels, or playing the whole beauty/popularity contest game, I'm not even there to damn socialize, I'm there to fucking learn. That whole idea blows some of my classmates away. They ask me when do I have fun, and sad to say class IS fun to me. I like to read the textbooks and learn new things, if there was ANYTHING I could point to and be like that gets me going, it's fucking school. I ride the bus across town to the university, and I kinda giggle cause it's like riding the bus to school as a kid. I love this shit. In an academic environment is where I reign supreme.
My hair went from white to silver to short and blue. And I loved the blue hair.
However, I shaved my head like 2 weeks ago. People ask me if it's cancer, or a Britney Spears mental breakdown thing, they assume it's something bad.
It's not, it has many many things to do with my Buddhist philosophies and especially vanity, humility, and arrogance. I've mention off and on that in the past few months I have wandered pretty far from the Buddhist mindset I once had. What I noticed is that I slowly became more vain and arrogant. I wasn't going back to old ways, but I was becoming less of my idea of me and more caught up in what other people want me to be. I'd planned for a couple of months to shave my head, and that's why I went with the crazy hair because I knew it was coming off anyways. You have to shave your own head, otherwise it's seen as a sign of weakness to make someone else do it. And so, after meditation and in the midst of incense and moonlight (there are reasons for this), I shaved my head. It was insanely freeing. I felt a sense of relief and a weight off my shoulders. I felt less stressed, confused, confused...and more like the me I'd spent so long trying to cultivate.
It's easy to do my hair in the morning too. :P
My hair grows fast so things like this don't last long because it's not much of a wait for it to come back. It gets to my shoulders (curly, so it's actually a bit longer) in under a year.
It's funny, a classmate of mine asked me why I did it, and I replied just because (wasn't even about to get into religion with this person) and she said she could never do such a thing because it's not very lady like and because she spends almost 400 bucks on her hair a MONTH so she's "invested" in her hair. I wanted to "invest" my foot up her ass, but hey. That's the kind of person I never want to be.
By that I mean so vain that I always have to chase the latest beauty product, replace my clothes with the latest fashions every season, wear a bunch of makeup, it's just NOT me. In my psych class we were discussing body image disorders and such, and most of my class is female. We had to have a discussion about the beauty industry and how do they affect the public's idea of beauty. More than one person said the beauty industry was only trying to help people look better to boost their self esteem. (God damn BA psych majors.) Others said they provide a valuable service. I stood alone (as usual) in saying that they skew both women and men's idea of beauty. The kicker on that is most of the girls you see in ads are "computer enhanced". No woman is going to live up to that. So, the beauty industry keeps making new products that are the latest and greatest to help you look like some model you see, on top of that a lot of guys EXPECT women to look like that, so women are now super insecure they'll die alone with 100 cats because they aren't what they see in ads. The only reply to my commentary?
"It's not like that."
ARGH. Don't people value themselves or education anymore? No wonder I feel like there's no one like me, THERE FUCKING ISN'T. I'm being a bit hyperbolic there, but I'm starting to feel that way. I guess I'm jaded that college isn't the collection of intellectual peers and academic rigor I really wanted it to be. A group of peers who could match me brain to brain. If I could find that....*sigh*
So, I've recently signed up 3 psychology research studies done by grad students, basically because I get bonus points for it. However, I've completed 2 of the 3 (and need to sign up for the 2nd part of one of them) and I'm FASCINATED. The two I've done are Alcohol's Effect on Women's Responses to Dating and Social Situations and The Role of Humor in Choosing a Mate. The alcohol one is the one where I'm going on to part 2, so I'm going to get bonus points for drinking until my BAC is .08 then checking out guys. (Maybe college isn't SO bad...) The humor one I did today and it was rather curious. I'm usually smart enough to figure out what they're looking for to relate it to what they are studying, but I couldn't figure this one out. I had no idea how that questionnaire had anything to do with choosing a mate OR humor.
It's been a fun experience playing test subject to grad students, plus I get to be on both ends of the research dynamic this way. Sometimes I'm the researcher, sometimes I'm the guinea pig. The whole research process fascinates me, hell, I like reading research journals (at least on topics I like or find interesting) just to see how they approach trying to gain info on their hypothesis. How they approach the problem, how they set up the experiment, the results they got, any possible things that might be affecting the results or if something went wrong....love that stuff. Especially psychology research, obviously. Research has always intrigued me, because it's other people asking why, which is something I do almost constantly. Now that I am on both ends of psychology research, it fascinates me even more. Maybe it's a calling....
So what you've learned today is I'm the ultimate in nerd because research and school are fun and exciting for me. I'm cool with that though, because I'm enjoying the hell out of myself.
It's about time.
~A.
I pull from songs and lyrics for my blog titles usually, and this is no deviation. Freddie King is the artist, in case you look it up.
So, I'm in the middle of rewriting/proofreading this paper I'm working on, and it's just plain frustrating. This paper is about the Joker from "The Dark Knight" and from the animated "The Batman Superman Movie" and kind of a compare and contrast, how is he changed considering the different audiences, you get the idea. However, I am NOT a movie person, I've watched TDK about 6 times this weekend, and I'm struggling on this paper because a lot of the movie is sailing over my head. I had a rough draft sorta done, but after reading it (and watching the damn movie again) I wound up rewriting about 3 pages of a 5 page paper to change my direction and is my new rough draft. I did some reading up on the movie and ideas behind it, people's interpretations, reviews, and dammit, I found a lot of good ideas I really missed, mostly someone made a comment about the movie that altered my train of thought. So I'm working on THAT rewrite now and trying to get these really great ideas into the paper without losing some of the other wonderful stuff I've already written. They're blending together like oil and water. :( So, I decided to take a break and figured a blog post was a good way to slack off a bit. At least I'm still in writing mode, at any rate.
Of course, I've been slacking off for the last hour playing my guitar....
And that is the inspiration behind this post. (In case the obvious title eludes you.) Before I broke my arm I was playing my guitar all the time, playing at bistros and such around town, I was really into it. Then I broke my arm and kinda can't play a guitar in a cast or brace, so I got out of the habit. A couple weeks ago I tried to play and it got sore and painful very quickly and I definitely wasn't playing like I used to. So, since I got very stuck and frustrated on my paper, I picked up my guitar to try again.
I'm playing better, but I've forgotten a lot of chords and such for some of my fav songs to play. It was a struggle, and I'm kinda sad I lost so much so fast. A lot of the more complex things I would play are impossible now. Even though I have full use of my right arm again, it is still pretty stiff and it's hard to pluck and strum. On top of that I've grown my nails fairly long, which is also interfering with my playing. Haven't decided if I'll cut them shorter or not....don't know how much back into playing I'll get.
I've only been playing for about 7 months, but since I have A LOT of previous musical exposure and can quite easily tell you what note is what just by hearing it, it was just a matter of mastering how to play the instrument, which a guitar isn't hard to learn to do the things like strum, fingerplucking, chord positions, etc. Most people struggle with the music part, and I was not so inhibited.
My biggest struggle learning to play...was learning how to read guitar tab! I'm quite familiar with standard musical notation, and had no real problem playing from actual chords and memorizing what finger went where for what chord, there's actually a system to it. I wanted to start playing some of my favorite songs, but could only find them online in tab, so I made myself learn. It STILL confuses me. Most people who pick up guitar or play guitar ONLY know tab, if you put standard chords in front of them their eyes would glaze over. I just have to be different, as usual.
I had drifted REALLY far away from actually playing music after I quit playing piano a few years ago. But I've always loved it and music in general. To me, music was a voice when I didn't have one, a way to express myself people could understand. Slowly I've felt that fire starting back up, and last spring I bought my guitar. I had a way to express myself without having to talk but was still sound, because I suck at talking and dislike it. Music though, I can do that no sweat. It's been wonderfully relaxing playing my guitar, even learning a new song was never frustrating, but fun.
Music has always been very important to me and a huge part of my life. It still is. I am almost constantly listening to music. My alarm plays music when I get up, I listen to music getting ready in the morning, I listen to music in my car, and once I get out of my car I put my headphones and I'm right back to listening to music. It's my coffee in the morning, in a way. It's actually more like my air to breathe. I NEED it.
My mood and mindset are directly related to whatever music I am listening to. I prefer songs that match my mood or talk about something I am going through. By what song I am listening to you can discern my mood, what I'm thinking about, what is upsetting me in my life, what is making me happy in my life, just by one song you can basically read me at that moment like a book.
This next part makes sense to some people and not to others. I listen to music based on the lyrics first, then vocals, then background music. It's the lyrics that give away my mental state. Even if I hate the singer and/or the music, but the lyrics are wonderful or relevant to me, then I'll like the song. The confusion tends to stem from that I play music to say something without words, or using someone else's words. I listen to music because the words say something to me, something I can relate to. I feel less alone in my world, like someone is relating to me, that I'm not the only one who has felt a certain way or done something worth singing about. I'm not so....bizarre.
And that's the thing. The song never changes, so I can ALWAYS relate. With people it doesn't work like that. People change, situations change, and all of a sudden I'm back on the outside. That's assuming I relate AT ALL to someone. It's not a lonely thing though, it's more of a well why interact with people if you get hurt or angry or whatever. If I'm running a high risk of being hurt, then why bother with anyone outside of those I absolutely have to talk to? Now, I do feel alone sometimes, like no one gets me, there's no one like me, on top of me being chronically misunderstood (ESPECIALLY verbally). I feel that all the damn time, and it's very true. I AM alone in my world view, perspective, and ideas. But am I ever lonely? Not really. The innate need for social interaction doesn't exist with me. You could lock me away from all people for a while and I'd be just fine entertaining myself. I'm still trying to get me all sorted out, having to sort out someone else is distracting.
Obviously I still give it a go, I still try really hard with people who are willing to be patient with me. I get hurt a lot though since I am tragically glass hearted/sensitive and don't always "get it", but that is just part of the deal. High risk, high rewards. I get that. At the same time though, the more I get hurt, the more I start to withdraw, the less effort I make with people. Everyone gets less and less of me.
There are those wonderful exceptions to that rule who are beyond rare. Each one a sui generis in their own right.
Then there is that one those who exceeds even them. Who gets pure me, good and bad, tormented and calm, insecure and confident....he gets the entire spectrum and range of my thoughts and moods, he gets everything of me. Only one person EVER has known me like that. But when something like that goes bad and someone gets hurt...the devastation is catastrophic.
Yes, I am speaking from experience here, unfortunately. The one person on this earth who knew who I am, and I mean KNEW WHO I AM, is missing from my life. Love can be a destructive force. This isn't one of those issues where you both walk away for a bit and it dissipates. It's not easy when you're in two different places emotionally, especially in matters of the heart where one person feels very strongly and the other not so much anymore. How do you deal with that other person being vital to you, but yet they're why you're hurting? How do you reconcile that? How do you solve the issue of being around them hurts, but being without them hurts too? How do you deal with feeling like they don't care just how bad you're fucked up from it and they keep asking you to get over it when you're just in pieces? How do you deal with wondering why they got over you so quick while you're hurting weeks later (and wondering just what is so wrong with you)? How do you deal with blaming yourself? How do you deal with both wanting to give yourself to them and keep yourself from them? How do you not want to keep them at a massive distance? But the most important part....
How do you cope with all of this involving your best friend and mental soulmate who you just can't be without, but yet fear them being close to you in case they hurt you again along with being angry with them for hurting you in a way they swore not to? And that's the fucking doozy. That's where this deviates from other relationships. That's where my dissonance resonates from....
That's the part I'm so sick about. That's where I am falling apart, trying to separate my "asshole who broke my heart" feelings from my "best friend ever, can't be without" feelings.
The one person I can't stand to lose is gone because I can't separate the two. I feel like my soul died....
People will get me in prescribed doses, very low prescribed doses, while I rebuild my empire. Whether I open the doors again and how much is another discussion altogether that currently has an answer of "Fucking hell no." That will change, I'm sure, but for now, that's where it is.
The catch on this metaphorical rebuild is I can only rebuild with what I have. But now I'm missing a huge piece. I'm unsure what I will replace that with, or where I will find it. All I know is it probably has to come from me if it exists at all. How do you fill the spot of someone that played such a huge role, who you looked up to, who is beyond being your best friend and is so important and mission critical to you? I'm going to find the answer, and I sense I'm not going to like it.
Because I'm pretty sure that's irreplaceable.
I'm a lesser force without him and there's a lot less laughs and new things to try in my world. We didn't make a great team, we made THE team. I'm just a lesser person overall without him.
*holds her reset button close to her heart* Maybe this will work again someday....
~A.
The email address associated with the other url for my blog is one that I don't use anymore. So, I moved my blog over to one that I use a lot. However, I thought I could just change the url there to something else then use it here so no one was the wiser, BUT apparently I can't. So, that's the story behind the url change. Excuse the confusion.
The dark layout with the leaves at the top or whatever, I chose it basically on name alone, it's called Chaotic Soul. Thought it was appropriate considering the name of the blog, my name, etc. I'm considering changing it to something a little less depressing. We'll see if I find a layout I like.
I've been REALLY erratic with posting here and tweeting, and I've been so busy it's the last thing on my mind. Though, I've now linked this blog to my phone, so I can post a blog from anywhere, even with pics! That should increase the frequency somewhat, especially those long stretches I have where I have to be somewhere, but I'm not doing anything. I'm trying for AT LEAST weekly, possibly on Saturdays. We'll see, I'll put reminders in Sunbird so it can complain at me that I need to go post. :P
So, much to my surprise, I've managed to almost use up all of the 160 gigs on my laptop. Some of you know that is the first time I've EVER gotten close to having that much stuff, I just never filled up a hard drive. That changed with Warren getting me to download and watch movies. Luckily, I have this pack of 100 DVDs laying around I've never opened, so I can go burn them and clear off some of my hard drive. I'm still amazing I managed to get that much stuff! I should get an external drive, I guess. Or a new laptop with a bigger hard drive, mine is now out of warranty, and god knows I've had nothing but issues with it.
More importantly is a new fucking cell phone. my EIGHTH replacement in TWO years is currently being shipped to me. I love the phone, it's EVERYTHING I want. Just keep getting shit refurbs, apparently these things don't refurb well. AT ALL.
I was eying a phone known as the BL40 from LG (go look it up if you're curious) BUT god damn verizon decided to be like, well the focus groups didn't like it, let's put out a really shitty version under the same name. The LG VX8575 is that shitty version. Compare that to the BL40 (seriously, go google it already) and that's just depressing. They also canned releasing what would have been the new version of what I have now, the Q9M. The two phones my little heart was so set on, that would release me from this constant phone replacement hell, well, they do not exist, and I'm kinda heartbroken.
So, I went looking around for something coming out that fit me and my personality. The closest I've gotten is the Motorola Sholes, and it runs Android! Android is this awesome OS for cell phones, and it beats Verizon's crap OS and Windows Mobile. There are phones coming out that are way more hyped than this one, but I was never in with the majority anyways. It has touch screen AND a keyboard, which makes me happy. I was kinda concerned going to a full touch phone simply because it's easier for me to actually have buttons. I'm also the most uncoordinated person ever (remember the broken arm?) so I know I'd have issues with the thing, I was testing some touch phone at the store a while back, and it was just damn hard with a full touch screen. I'm sure like anything else you adapt, but it'd still be annoying while learning and screwing up A LOT.
Speaking of learning something new, I've now learned how to drive a manual transmission! And quite well, I'll have you know. So I cruise around in my little sports car with the top off and the windows open. I LOVE my car. It's so very much me. Convertible, sporty, cute, and blue! Plus I get about 38-40 mpg IN TOWN. It's so much fun to drive, driving a manual transmission means you basically have to be a part of the car. Not like an automatic where you can hop in, drive, and zone out. You've got to be more aware in manual, do I need to downshift? upshift? That light up ahead, is it going to change on me? What's the asshole in front of me doing? You get the idea. You are part of the machine, and it's a really cool feeling. A very different, but WAY more fun, driving experience.
Frankly, I think every car should be a manual so we don't have these assholes TEXTING while driving. These idiots spacing out while driving and texting, ugh. Now, my car is small and low to the ground, REALLY low to the ground. I've almost been ran over a few times cause some asshole was texting. And it's not like a quick "on my way home" or something of that sort, these dipshits are having full conversations over text while driving. UGH.
I'm taking Tai Chi this first 8 weeks, and I really wanted to take it for the second 8 weeks, but my research position is kind of more important. I don't even know if I can take it in the Spring, simply because of just how much I need to take to get to where I want to be before I leave UNM. But Tai Chi has been my sanity saver, and I may just do it on my own if I can't take the class.
So, I'm about to start week 6 of the semester, at the end of the 8 weeks my Abnormal Behavior psych class and the Tai Chi class end, which is kinda nice, definitely a load off. I have a Tai Chi final! Gotta memorize the first section of the form! So much for it being a slack off class. :P Two less classes to worry about and attend, especially during THE finals week in December. Oh man, I remember Spring finals, I was a wreck. Of course, it was my first semester, this semester I've definitely learned a lot and really manage my time and sanity well. I stay busy, but rarely overwhelmed. Next Spring is gonna be a doozy and a half. I have class series I need to finish so I maintain consistency, instead of the first class being at one school, and the second at another, and they may have covered stuff we didn't. I think it won't be SO bad though. I'll have to see how my schedule shapes up. The awesome thing about being in University Honors is getting to enroll first. :P Well, us and the grad students, but they're not generally taking undergrad classes. So I will get EVERY class I want, when I want it. :)
I know I've made it very clear I want to leave UNM. UNM spoils me though, but it's not where I need to be. I'm kinda coasting through, not really challenged. I have everything in ABQ, people I know, friends I've made, I know the city backwards and forwards, family, UNM is paying ALL of my books and tuition, I'm under 3 different Honors, about to be 4, I get to ride the bus to school for free so I minimize wear and tear on my car and save gas (it also is like riding the bus to school when I was a kid, and as dorky as it sounds, I like that a lot), there's my research position, I'm an officer of the pre-med student org....and I want to walk away from all of it.
No one really understands why I'd want to leave all that behind and basically start over elsewhere. I explain it, but I'm pretty sure not a damn soul gets it. But I'm saying it again. I have everything BUT the educational quality/challenge I want, hell, crave. I also do not want to go to UNM's med school. I NEED more. I've wasted enough of my life and time trying to get my shit together, and I've had some hard fights. I just can't waste any more of my potential, and I can't turn my back on my dreams, my desires, what I want to be and what I want to give to the world. I'm doing what I probably should of done sooner, but at the same time the life experiences, the struggles, the friends and enemies, all of that gives me a very healthy and mature perspective. I came to ABQ for a reason, to help my mom after her car accident. But my brother is moving back this winter, and my mom no longer needs my assistance for the day to day. This isn't my fate, and this isn't where I can give my most. Were this earlier in my life (and I had my path clear like I do now), would I have considered UNM? Most likely not. I would of aimed for academic challenges, quality education, even taking into consideration my graduate school desires into where I go. That's what I'm doing NOW. I've parsed through so many school reviews from faculty, students, outside sources, community reviews, graduation rates, average GPAs, quality of the program in my major, diversity percentages, etc. to find what I want and make sure that it is a good fit for me. I don't expect everyone or anyone to understand, but know that I am doing what is best in the long run, and this is not some hasty decision.
It's not an EASY decision either. Leaving everything I have here, going somewhere where I most likely won't know anyone, I'd be on my own, a new school, new procedures, new city, new EVERYTHING. It's scary for me, not gonna lie. Really scary. I can't live based on fear though. I have no reason to worry. I got this.
I wonder if I can put a music player on my blog. I want to keep my theme song here. For those of you that have it, it's Van Hunt - Hidden Charm. I get kind of teary eyed when I listen to it. There's a version of him playing it live on youtube, but it's not the whole song. I've seen him live, and he's is just an amazing musician. It's on his myspace though in his music player: http://www.myspace.com/vanhunt - just in case you don't have it or are away from your mp3s/CD. :)
There's a line that strikes me in a really strong way. "And leave your fear behind, make the great escape".
My audience is waiting.
~A.
Everyone is all in an uproar about Kanye taking the mic from Taylor Swift and doing what he does best, making a scene.
There's no such thing as bad attention in celebrity, people remember names, but usually not why they know the name. On top of that the more you talk about him, the more you put his name out there. Free advertising for being an asshole, and LOTS of free advertising.
Now, I'm not a huge Kanye music fan, but I do like a couple of his songs. Where I deviate from the norm is that I AM a huge fan of the stunts he pulls. I think it's brilliant marketing, it keeps his name in the press, and he's pushing people's boundaries. Well, more like completely ignoring their boundaries and any other social norm boundaries. I can appreciate that. I LIKE that. I get so amused reading the news and everyone is all in an uproar over something Kanye did. The fact that he affects all these people entertains me, that all these people get so emotional over him and something he did. Like their blog (or mine for that matter) or their news article, or whatever, really affect him and his life.
He sees just how ridiculous life is and is MORE ridiculous than that. It's really the only way to have fun and not get bogged down by life. I do the same thing, and I know I'm fucking ridiculous, for example:
As I write this I have bright blue hair, cut short. :)
Oh, speaking of short hair and Kanye, his girlfriend Amber Rose, holy hell. She's beautiful and rocks a shaved head. LOVE that. She too, with her shaved head and fashion choices, pushes other people's limits.
So fucking props to both of them, I'm a fan of both. Everyone else needs to not take life so seriously.