Primordial Chaos

Archive: http://chaoticarchives.blogspot.com/

Hair Blog: http://mysigmoidalchaos.blogspot.com/

AND the grand debut of my new everyday bullshit blog: http://wtfdidthedogstepin.blogspot.com/

Enjoy. :)

~A.

I look at the theme and pretenses under which this blog was created, fertile with possibilities, future source of order and greatness, and I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now. The point of this blog was to document me finding myself, finding my way.

And I've done just that. Hell, I've blown everyone away at just how well and how successful I've become so damn quickly. Chapel Hill is not a school just anyone gets admitted to, and definitely not an easy one to transfer into. I did it, I transferred into one of the best schools in the country, and hell, in state tuition at CH is cheaper (by like 900 bucks!) than instate here at UNM! Honors this and that, when I graduate I'm going to be decked out in all kinds of honors regalia, cords, tassels, etc. Got a paid research assistant position ON CAMPUS, and probably going to sign up for a unpaid internship at an elementary school for autistic kiddos.

All of this is exciting and scary, and I have a lot to learn to rebuild my comfort zone in Chapel Hill. That's the scary part, the part that gives me pause, having to live outside of my comfort zone for a while. Obviously, I push myself hard, and I don't want to do anything while I'm adjusting to leave a bad impression on anyone in my new environs. I don't handle discomfort well sometimes, unfortunately, especially involving a new place AND new people. I will try hard to keep my cool, but I'm not perfect. Yes, I'm showing a bit of humility here, even though when I walk out the door I put on my "you can't touch this" attitude. That attitude helps me navigate scary situations because I just think to myself that I can do it, and I can do it better. It seems to work and my confidence conquers my fears a lot more often than not. What's even better is people around me believe it too. People I meet think I'm hot shit because I think I'm hot shit and I act like I'm hot shit. Walks like a badass, talks like a badass, must be a badass! They don't have to know I have a tender side. You can forget I said that too. :P

My point is this, that this blog is no longer where I am in life and mind, hence my disinterest and neglect of it. It's a new phase and I need a new blog with new titles and new theme and everything. Eventually, when I figure out what the theme is, I will create a new blog. Until then, this will be my last post on this blog, and this blog, in one week's time, will be put under a new blog that I use to archive old phases of my blog, instead of my previous habit of deleting them entirely.

Thanks to everyone for sharing this phase of my life with me. For those of you still on the train, hang the fuck on, this new phase is shaping up to blow everyone's mind.

~A.

So I have 4 blogs I'm neglecting, which sucks but I promise once my spring semester is officially over I'll be better about it. My one and only final is on Tuesday, not Thursday like I thought, and even though I have summer classes and a move to work on after that, I won't be as constrained on time. Right now though, since until last night I thought my final was on Thursday, I've been studying pretty hard. I'm fucking terrible at keeping my shit together when I feel as overwhelmed as I do, so I'm making I am on point all the way around. Plus I've had to do A LOT of calling UNC and arguing with UNM to make sure this transfer goes smoothly, but I'm on top of my game. At least school-wise.

I have 2 stitches in my head as of late yesterday evening. Of course there's a story, they're not there for aesthetics. When I was dealing with the seizures and getting EEGs a few weeks ago, what they do is fill the electrodes with a salt solution and scrape your scalp at the same time to get a good connection. I was told the device doesn't break the skin but hurts, and that was the case. HOWEVER, it broke off a few of my hairs really short and, of course, they eventually became ingrown and infected, creating an abscess. So they had to lance it, drain it, and put me on antibiotics. Fantastic. What this also means, and I seriously cried for hours, is my wonderful healthy, silky, curly ass hair I'd meticulously been caring for got SHAVED OFF. Now, usually I don't give a shit how much hair I do or do not have. But I'd put so much effort into learning how to properly care for and manage my curls so that I could grow them out that this is basically devastating and it's adding to the dark cloud of depression hanging over me. So I made two decisions to try and find some silver lining. 1) I demanded to take the hair they cut off, and I donated it to this group who is using hair clippings to help clean up the oil spill in the gulf. God knows my hair will soak up some oil, so figured it was a contribution to the cause. 2) Going to completely redo my hair blog, and I guess it'll be easy to measure growth since I have no god damn hair, and I'll be starting with hair that is completely unmanipulated (part of my former hair was lightly relaxed to make my curls more manageable) so I'll have a better/more accurate gauge of my hair progress. Minor things, but they're keeping me from constantly crying over the loss of my trademark curly lion's mane.

So I found an apartment complex I'd like to move into, then I found another one today I also like. I don't have a move in date yet, and I should probably figure that out sooner rather than later. I'm eying mid-July, like the week of my b-day since it's a Sunday, preferably in the middle of the week just because of traffic and such on the weekends. That'd give me about a month to get somewhat comfortable, figure out my way around, adjust to my new life a bit and give me less stress when my new semester starts. UNC is a more academically rigorous school, so I want to be able to focus intently until I'm into the swing of things. Also gives me time to go to the beach a couple of times. :P

I'm growing Ghost Peppers in my indoor garden, and I'm excited they've finally sprouted. What are Ghost Peppers? (They're also known as Bhut Jolokias) THE HOTTEST PEPPERS IN THE WORLD! How hot? REALLY spicy Jalapenos clock in at about 10k Scoville units. Habaneros check in at about 350k. These babies register about 1.1 MILLION Scoville units. I eat Habaneros as snacks. Even I am scared to eat to try them. But you know I will. :P

I went back to knitting in an attempt to work on my fine motor skills, give me a creative outlet, and just because. I'm currently working on a HUGE light blue and navy blanket, though I haven't quite finalized my design so I'm just practicing the stitches I'm plan on using for now. It'll be a UNC themed blanket though! :)

I have other crap to talk about, but I need to think about it for a bit more.

Let's just say that as badass as I am, I'm having major delusions of inadequacy. Perfectionism is a bitch.

~A.

So, this isn't going to be some celebratory post, I'm really dealing with a fucker of a storm mentally right now and despite my trying to keep it to myself and go through it alone (something Warren REALLY doesn't like me to do) it's alllllll coming out here. That's what this damn thing is for anyways, but I dislike people seeing a darker side of me.

Good news first, I've managed to trim down my final week hell to one final. This involves taking a B in one class and not taking the final, but fuck it, I don't need the stress right now. I'll take a B in exchange for some sanity. Need to, at this rate...

Also, I came up with a way to take summer classes AND juggle trips between here and Oklahoma and eventually the big move. UNM offers correspondence classes, where you mail/fax/email in assignments and you can take tests basically from any public library that will proctor them. (Which is most, this is a common request of public libraries.) This also means my UNC fall schedule will change since I'm taking two classes this summer I had signed up for in the Fall. One class is the same and the other is a different class that fulfills the same gen ed requirements as UNC's, but I haven't decided if I will drop that one at UNC yet. Depends on what is open at UNC I can take and use.

Now for the unpleasant stuff. So, the more success I find, the bitchier my mother gets. I'm kinda tired of it. No, strike that I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF IT. She's almost completely stopped talking to me at home, and only occasionally emails me, we used to email back and forth all day. Now all I get is attitude and hostility. For example, so her car was broken into, probably because she left her purse in her car in the open. She usually parks in the garage, but she didn't that night because since there are 3 vehicles and we have to do this weird car shuffle bullshit, she had parked outside. Well, now she's convinced her car and her stuff  are targets for thieves and HAS TO park in the garage. Alright, so that leaves the driveway for me and Jess. Through sheer bullshit, Jess gets to park on the side of the driveway that is NOT where my mom parks in the garage. So I get to park behind her. Well, Jess and my mom usually but not always car pool, and I am always left to be the one shuffling my car around, or even better PARKING IN THE STREET OVERNIGHT. Hey, that's fucking great, not like I didn't beat the fuck out of a guy who is part of a crime ring or anything OH WAIT YES I DID. Also, my car is RARE. I don't mean as del sol uncommon, because they are uncommon, but the trim level of my car is RARE. I've been offered 9k for my car (I paid 3500 and have probably sunk 3k and a lot of hours into it), and the previous owner had issues with the car being broken into and parts stolen out of it because they are so rare and expensive. So, yes, let's let me park in the fucking street so my shit can get jacked and torn up, we've had quite a few break-ins on our street recently. Why not let Jess park in the fucking street, he's going to pay off his car in 2 years and go get something else. Also, his car is completely minimalistic. No power anything, doesn't even have AC. (And yes, it's a 2010 with no AC.) He can also afford to get his shit fucked up. I kinda can't. But no, I suggested he park in the street and about caught holy hell. Why? Cause my mother STRONGLY prefers my brother over me and thinks his new Jeep is more likely to be broken into. and as far as me, nothing I do or suggest can ever be right. Nothing ever is. All she does is complain about me and to me. I do not like who she is right now. She is being very "woe is me" and negative. Plus the whole favoritism trumping logic thing is pissing me off. If anything happens to Blue because of this shit, ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. Anyways, this makes me home life miserable, and I wind up so unhappy and depressed I cry and sleep a lot. Keep in mind I'm still off all my meds. Awesome.

Being off my meds brings up another topic I am really worried about. So, I was under orders to stop running, then I went off my meds, that plus all the home stress...I've gained like 15 pounds in the past month. The self-loathing about this is overwhelming. Now, granted, they told me to expect to gain 20-30 and as long as I didn't gain more than that, it would help get my blood sugar seizure shit under control faster. But I spent so long just plain fucking HUGE, that any gain over about 5 pounds sends me into a panic. That's not the only thing though...see, oh god admitting this sucks so fucking hard, since I'm going to Chapel Hill this summer...ugh. To blurt it out, I'm completely afraid Warren would reject me over it, that he wouldn't find me attractive. :( Am I crying while I write this? Yes, but I'm gonna keep going. To make this worse, I am mad at myself for thinking he is so shallow, because I don't generally think he is. (Though the comment about dumping girls for annoying accents kinda didn't ease my mind...) This just sucks.

So, add those two together, and guess what you get? An Aeris who wants to leave NM sooner rather than later to get away from the negativity of her mom, but also an Aeris who doesn't want to go to UNC yet because she's being fucking shallow and thinks she looks unattractive. Great. Said Aeris has also been crying, A LOT, because of both things. I'm just unhappy. I feel absolutely miserable and alone, and that people would just scold me if I tried to explain or talk about things, that I should just shut up and be happy about UNC and blah blah. I haven't been blogging because I feel so ashamed of the things I think, that I dislike my own mother and that I'm so self conscious and think so little of how Warren sees me.

I'm currently making solid plans to leave here and working out the details of my move. I have to keep going, regardless of this shit.

For the next few steps I take...you can follow me by the trail of my tears.

~A.