Primordial Chaos

Ben Westbeech - So Good Today. He's an artist I recently discovered, and I'm really into his stuff. I have a thing for British music I've noticed. Jamiroquai, Oasis, Ben Westbeech, Craig David, Brand New Heavies, my boy Nate James, The Verve, Culture Club, The Clash...there's a bunch more.




I had an experience this morning that blew my mind. So, due to snow and ice UNM was on a 2 hour delay so I was running errands before heading over to take the cross town bus. I was on my way over to the transit center and was about a mile away when I saw someone on crutches walking by the side of the road. I get closer and notice he's military and in his uniform. Contrary to ALL aspects of my nature and some of common sense, I stop and ask him where he's headed. Something told me to stop. He tells me he's headed to the transit center to take a bus to the VA hospital. I say I'm headed to the same place so I'll give him a ride. I said my car rides pretty low and it might be slightly cramped, but it's better than walking in snow and ice with 40 mph winds. He hops in and introduces himself, his name is Justin. I introduce myself and mention I'm a student at UNM. He asks what my major is, I tell him Psychology.

Deciding to try this whole talking to people thing, I try and make small talk and ask him about his service, he was a young guy, (actually, he's my age exactly, we were born on the same day) so I assume it was Iraq and/or Afghanistan which I could reasonably hold a conversation about. So he tells me about the 2 years he spent in Iraq, and mentions his injury happened there because of a roadside bomb. I ask him how bad is it, and he tells me he won't have to be amputated, might walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life though. I mention that the worst damage is probably psychological then, and asked if he was having trouble adjusting back to life here. (At this point we're waiting in my car for our respective buses.)

The look in his eyes told me everything before he said a word. He tells me about the nightmares, the flashbacks, the stress of trying to come out of combat mode, reliving the bomb attack that hurt him...and how his fiancee had left him because she couldn't take how he had changed. How when he got diagnosed with PTSD his mom told him that now he was officially crazy and had killed people over there, she was scared of him. I show some empathy (this is major for me), and make the comment that if he'd lost a leg or been diagnosed with cancer everyone would run to his side, but when it's mental, people freak out and run the other way. I said that was a shame they did not and could not understand, but it's something I see a lot and I guess my studies help me "get it".

He sighed what was the saddest sigh I think I've ever heard. He said it was a real shock to come back and be treated like he was dangerous instead of respected for doing his part to protect those he loves and the country he loves. He said he was glad I understood, it gave him hope he wasn't completely abandoned by society.

Taking a break in my story here, this is the second time this semester I've been told I've given hope to someone. This freaks me out. I'm just doing what I'm doing, and these people see something special in that. At the same time, it's a slap in the face that yes I do indeed have something to give the world and other people, and whatever the hell it is, it's important. Back to the story.

I turn to him and smile, and tell him I think I can do a little more for him. I pull out of my parking space and drive off, he asks where we're going. I tell him to the VA hospital, I'm not letting him walk around in this weather on the snow and ice. He says he'll be way early for his appointment, and I tell him we're making a stop first.

I head over to my office, park and tell him to come with me. I open my office, told him to have a seat, and two doors down there is hot chocolate, coffee, drinks and snacks and to please help himself, I will be back shortly. The confused look on his face made me smile, I told him he had nothing to worry about.

What I knew that he didn't and you don't, is that one of the research projects has been having a hell of a time getting subjects for their PTSD project. Basically, it's free therapy as often as necessary or even as often as wanted by the patient, plus medication if needed while they gather info through questionnaires and brain scans. They also offer a wide range of support services to help people adapt and manage their PTSD. Plus participants are paid for it too. On top of that they're in close with the VA hospital (since most of their subjects are referred from there) and they share information back and forth, but also have shuttles that go between both places and nearby transit stations, both bus and the railrunner.

So I take off down the hall to grab one of those in charge of the project, and explain what's up. The guy was thrilled obviously, simply because of how their project has been stagnating because of lack of participants. So we both head back to my office, and I introduce them to each other and let the guy explain the project and what it entails. I just sat on my desk and grinned at Justin, who kept grinning back at me. The guy goes to get Justin some paperwork to get signed up. Justin is blown away, and keeps trying to thank me. I tell him to think of it as my thank you for the job he's done protecting us as a member of the military. He says he's really glad I came along, that he is so grateful, he doesn't feel so alone and like no one gets what he has gone through or is going through, that people do care and don't just see the military as disposable lives.

The guy comes back with the paperwork and sets up a first appointment with Justin that afternoon after his doctor's appointment. The guy left, and Justin was seriously excited at this point. He kept shooting me grins. I just wink at him and smile. I help him fill out the paperwork and schedule a shuttle for him to take him to the VA and to bring him back that afternoon.

I give Justin my office email and my cell and tell him to contact me with any questions. He promises to keep in touch (and sent me a rambling thank you email this evening) and thanks me again for everything. I tell him it was my pleasure, but apologize for leaving abruptly because I had to get to class. I take him to the lounge (where the food and drinks are) and tell him the shuttle driver will come get him here in about 30 minutes and inform him the bathroom is 3 doors down on the right. He thanks me again, and I giggle and tell him if he keeps it up he's gonna run out of thank yous. I grab my stuff and turn to go to class and he says "hey, wait". I turn around, and he asks me if I'm an angel. I laugh and tell him I'm definitely not going to heaven anytime soon. He says if you keep doing deeds like this you will. I smile and wink and haul ass to class. (I was late, but didn't care.)

I really don't think I need anymore kicks in my ass on what I should be doing with my life. Pretty sure I'm headed the right direction. It feels good to touch someone's life like that, have them be so grateful and to have them smile at you.

I'm watching myself develop and grow, and it's happening FAST. I kinda like it. Have I really spent so many years missing out on things like this? That sucks.

~A.