Primordial Chaos

Song by Robin Thicke:




I read the blog post I'd kind of handwritten an outline for last night that I didn't get to writing, and it's kind of a downer. Most self realizations are. Let's see if I can summarize and not sound so depressing. Too bad I already started off with a slightly depressing song. This isn't looking good already, ha.

So, I tweeted last night that I felt a rare pang of loneliness while walking across campus in the cold dark. I also mentioned it's a feeling I don't understand. I got to thinking as to why that is, and what other feelings/emotions do I not understand. The answer really is kind of a downer, and I can't gloss over it. This is a strange thing for someone as emotionally tender as myself to say. Basically, any socially related emotions confuse me. I specifically mention the big 3 to which I think all the others are related; companionship, love and intimacy. I know what they are, but don't understand how they work. Kinda like how I know what a nuclear reactor is, but the science behind it is beyond me.

I thrive in an academic environment because it's very systematic and regulated. The rules are clear, all you have to do is follow them, the expectations for you are clear too. This is not so in emotions, and I'm going to point specifically to love and intimacy. I'm so used to being successful in a very systematic environment I get really wacked out and confused in situations that are more free from. This pisses me the fuck off and frustrates me to extremes, and I start looking for and/or demanding some guidelines/rules/boundaries/definitions cause I'm overwhelmed as all fuck. This never ends well.

As a rule, I lurk on the edges of society with a confused look on my face thinking "what the hell is this clusterfuck about?". I'm a hard person to relate to and other people confuse me. Every once in a while though, I catch someone's attention and they reach out to me and manage to relate to me. I'm exceptionally distant at first, but I eventually open up bit by bit and me and that person get close, the closer someone gets to me, the more I love them.

Now, referring back to the getting overwhelmed, it seems to be inevitable. I am admittedly difficult in large doses. Ask anyone who has known me for a while and spent large amounts of time with me. Hell, ask my PARENTS. They've gotten fed up with me more times than I can remember, but things get better when I spend less time around them. It's easy to overdose on me, I'm an intense experience. I know this. I try to be better about it, and have been, but it still happens. As to be expected, people get sick of me and leave. I actually expect this of everyone that gets close to me because it's happened so often. Doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Every time it happens, I put myself further and further away from people. I do this under the idea that I am protecting others from myself. I've been wondering if maybe I shouldn't just keep max distance permanently. I really don't have any confidence I can control this part of me enough, if I will ever learn how to handle such situations or that there is anyone on earth patient enough to guide me through it. I'm not as sad about this idea as you or even I would expect me to be. It just is. The alternative is to keep having to deal with people giving up on me and walking away, even though I believe it's been justified every time.

I'm fucking complicated, people. All I feel I can do about it currently is shrug.

(So much for not making it depressing.)

~A.