Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever
I've been kinda playing my guitar, but I don't have the passion for it I once did. I tend to play Wonderwall a lot, mostly because it's an important song between me and my bro. I hate going into deep depressions because I lose my desire for a lot of things, any musical instrument important to me at the time is basically guaranteed. Hence my giving up piano, despite having a decent amount of skill for it. And now my guitar. Shit affects me deeply, and way deeper than I let on, and I let on about it a lot.
March/April are coming up quick, and within those months are the deadlines for transfer applications for most schools. I'm stressed the fuck out over this whole ordeal. Doubts about getting in, about if I chose the right schools for the right reasons, I have 2 extra sets of transcripts, should I apply a couple of other places that really look like what I want, where the fuck would that be, am I doing the right thing, should I even worry about the quality of my education since that's what this is mostly about...on and on and on, lots of shit crossing my mind. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about transferring, from what I've heard from people so far I am under the impression no one really understands why this is so important to me or will give me helpful suggestions that support me and my decision to go elsewhere. A degree ISN'T just a degree. I've said this a million times, but the quality of my education and me KNOWING MY SHIT isn't optional to me. Especially when I realize that when I go to grad school, chances are I'll be a fucking TA (which is a scary thought for everyone) and I REALLY better know my shit. I am starting to feel incredibly isolated about this. No one seems to understand, and previous excessively criticizing commentary reinforces that. I would think the people closest to me would understand my emphasis on the QUALITY of my education and why that's important to me but that's not really the case. Starting to think I'm alone on this.
I realized that even though I lived and live outside of the box of society in general, I put myself into my own box outside of the box, which isn't really all that productive. Gotta live outside my own box too.
I've heard from Ryan a few times recently. Basically, he had nothing positive to say and just wanted to trash Warren to me and then claim he wasn't as "horrible" as Warren and "would never do what he does" to me. Despite the stormy back and forth I have with Warren, Warren isn't emailing me talking shit about Ryan and trying to play the one up game. Ryan seems to think this is a good idea with me and all he is doing is disenchanting me from him, which sucks because I had every intention of remaining close friends with Ryan. But the tantrums and Warren hate mail and demanding I shut Warren out of my life so he can make me happy are REALLY PISSING ME OFF. I've explained in no uncertain terms how I feel and why I feel that way, but Ryan won't take a clue. I get he feels strongly about me, and hell, Warren understands where he is coming from, but this isn't how you show me you're a good candidate. We were together for what, 3 weeks? And he's still pushing me moving in with him and making a long term commitment to him? As Jess likes to say, "Fuck you, no". I tried being nice about it, but now I've been REALLY direct and hostile about it and he still won't get it. I'm sure he's perfect for some girl out there, it just isn't me.
Now, Warren asks about Ryan very occasionally, he says he's "just curious" but I know he's checking to see if there's competition. Which drives me up 40 different walls because Warren will also spew bullshit about not wanting to pursue a relationship with me, yet he inquires about other males in my life, and has done so for quite some time. Even better is on the phone he completely contradicts himself. I've just decided he loves doing this to fuck with me, and if I try to pin him down for answers I get all sorts of vague bullshit and/or being told exactly what I don't want to hear. It's not even worth asking, really. I HATE this shit, it's confusing and frustrating. Why he insists on doing this I have no idea, and basically feel that, like my other inquiries, it won't get answered if I ask. Kinda wish he'd give in, but he's always fought himself over how he feels about me since like forever. ARGH. Starting to feel like I can't win. I sometimes don't know why I keep trying, but I'm afraid the answer is I'm either stubborn or stupid. :( *sigh*
All this crap bouncing around in my mind, and the 3 tests PLUS 3 papers due in the 7 days between Tues and next Tues has me feeling defeated. Even my friends have mentioned a few times that I don't seem to be as shiny as I usually am or as upbeat and smiley, and am laughing noticeably less. When shit gets to me, it hits me HARD. I want stoicism for my birthday, dammit. I'm such a softie sometimes and I'm starting to see it as a weakness. I wish I didn't care or think so much, I'm just drowning in my own mental murk. I can't change anything right now anyways. Or ever with my current defeatist attitude. But I honestly don't believe there's any happy medium for all aspects of my life, and to make choices on what to compromise SUCKS.
So they lowered my dosage for my antidepressant to prevent seizures, and now I'M DEPRESSED AS ALL FUCK. I keep trying to stay upbeat and keep my head up, but everyone sees right through me. Even as I've been writing this I keep crying off and on. Fucking miserable. Rather risk seizures, and I'm dead serious. At least then I didn't want to give up on everything and everyone. Doesn't help I feel REALLY isolated because of the whole transfer thing. No one seems to care or understand, and I really thought people would be excited for me and supportive. Just been shitpiles of criticism and negativity. HUGE piles.
Speaking of, my mother is now starting to resent me, which is just another lovely issue to deal with. I've been pretty successful all the way around, academically and for the most part personally, and she has admitted repeatedly she's jealous. ESPECIALLY about me losing a bunch of weight. She's put on A LOT since her accident, and she blames it on her not being able to get around as much as she used to. She doesn't understand why she's gaining weight when she eats sensible salads for dinner. I made the mistake of pointing out all the junk food she buys and eats throughout the day, and me and Jess don't eat it. Jess is vegan so anything with milk in it is out, and I don't eat chocolate except very very rarely. Well, she keeps buying all this chocolate crap along with all sorts of pastries and shit me and Jess also don't eat, and I pointed this out to her. She basically said to me that just because I'm in good shape doesn't make me little miss expert on what other people should and should not do and I should keep my mouth shut. She's not talking to me at this point. Let's add some more points under isolation, shall we?
I went from feeling like I was going to transfer because I wanted to go, now it just feels like I'm going to transfer because people want me gone and don't give a shit where I go as long as I'm out of sight.
Part of me feels like maybe that's how I should start thinking too.
~A.
My mood is somewhat better today. I feel like crap, just physically tired though. I went running last night for the first time in a while, and my stupid ass went for 18 miles. I've already been constantly tired, and that just finished me off. I shouldn't run when I'm pissed. Of course, I took up running and this whole marathon business because I was pissed off and had a lot of anger to burn off. (Yeah, YOU, you jackass.)
Speaking of my other half, things are never what I think they are. Or what he says they are. *rolls eyes* (I hear the word friends out of his mouth again and I'm gonna get pissy) He feels a lot stronger about me than he likes to let on. But when he DOES let on, there's no question about what he's saying. We had this fantastic conversation on the phone Sunday night, and he said the cutest fucking thing. He said when he texts me and I don't answer back fast enough he gets kinda "well wtf, why hasn't she answered?". See, I do the SAME thing. I also get annoyed if it's been a few hours since I've heard from him. It was just nice to know we're resonating on the same frequency more than we know. Or want to admit. We're so stupid about each other sometimes. And I mean we act fucking stupid and immature to each other sometimes. He's just as stubborn as me, which is saying something. But I need that, I need someone who will challenge everything about me, from how I feel to how I think to how I see things. This also means he and I have friction more often than most, and it can get heated. Hell, anyone who reads this blog knows that. Refer back to us being stupid about each other. But we love it, to have someone who is completely our equal, good and bad. And at the end of the day, we know we love each other and that wins EVERY time. Sometimes it takes us a bit to come to our senses...because we're stubborn.
It's really amazing how we both sobered up after 3 months apart. We'll admit when we're wrong, we won't let shit just stew, we're more direct with each other, though he still likes to distance himself from time to time. But I'm more understanding of it than before. He's not quite as emotionally expressive as me, and that's ok, it's not personal against me. We don't let spats rage on for days or hold resentment anymore. We have a better appreciation of each other. Cause we were flat miserable without each other. We're still telling each other how glad we are to have each other back.
This kinda puts us in a weird position in regards to telling people we get involved with that, hey, there's this super important person we have...I know we both generally fudge the shit out of it if we say anything at all. I kinda hate that because it's like I'm trying to deny his presence/importance in my life. It makes me feel kinda dirty. Knowing him he just doesn't say anything and has no qualms about doing so. I have a real hard time not being completely straightforward. I keep saying this, but this is one complicated and crazy situation. I dislike the whole feeling of not knowing, and that's in regards to anything. Hence why I ask why a lot. There's no answer to this one. This makes me frustrated faster than anything.
So I'm just going with it, and Warren can be in charge and steer. I can't tell if I don't care so much where we go anymore or if I'm disenchanted over the whole not knowing thing. Regardless, I trust him to make the right decisions, I have complete faith in his judgment. Doing me wrong isn't on his agenda. He knows how I'll react if he does. ;)
I'm fucking up to my eyes in shit to do at school, and it's making me stressed out and cranky. My sleep schedule is also fucked to all hell since I keep waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares or worried about one thing or another. Bad enough I'm a hardcore night owl as it is, but now to not get sleep when I do try really REALLY sucks. Warren is keeping me sane though. Our interactions help me to laugh and relax a bit. Damn I love him and love what he brings to my world.
So I have rather long stretches of time in between classes at times. Instead of overwhelming myself with studying, sometimes I go over to the gym and shoot hoops. My brother recommended this because my hand eye coordination sucks, apparently REALLY bad as we found out, so I gave it a go. Not actually playing b-ball but just shooting. Sometimes I do this for a couple of hours at a stretch. So I was there Monday, just shooting my crazy little heart out. Now, I can't do a lay up for shit. Can't shoot free throws either. I can shoot 3s like nothing else though. I don't damn know why. Now, being the god damn stats nerd I seemed to have morphed into, my 3 point percentage is currently 78.32%. Out of some 250ish shots. That's fucking batshit right there. Free throws are 7.45%, layups are 9.11%. You fucking figure that out cause I sure don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
Anyways, I'm there Monday just shooting some stress off and I'm in a really cheery mood cause I talked to Warren the night before on the phone. :P Anyways, on the full court nearby some guys were doing a pick up game of b-ball. I didn't quite realize who some of them were until they came up to me. I was kinda in awe, considering how much of my fucking free time I spend on them. Anyways, they've got an odd number, and one of them who I practiced with when I had my personal trainer last year asks if I'd like to join. I say yeah, why not, but they need to know I'm a liability more than anything, but I say it with a smile and a laugh. I'm not even remotely kidding but no one has to know that. I'm the shortest person on my team AND I'm the shortest person overall. By A LOT. At least 5 inches easy. Badass starts feeling a little scaredass.
By default someone who is short and fast plays point guard. And that's where I get put. Now, it's me and a bunch of guys, so immediately the comment is made "hey, I like having a girl as a ball handler". Har har. They wanna play so you can't foul me cause I'm a girl. I don't do sissy shit, plus the fuck if I wanna come off as weak. So I tell them they better foul me cause I'll foul them without mercy. I seriously fuck shit up the first 3-4 times. Someone says "she makes more turnovers than a bakery". Yeah, thanks for rubbing it in. Anyways, there's a lot of shit talking and I get kinda riled up. At first it was just for fun, but now it's kinda serious to me. Plus because it's just 5 on 5 you can't foul out, and I abuse this rule. So, out to prove a point and I'm all pissed off, I play rough. People are getting knocked to the damn ground. Since we're playing REALLY lax rules, it's just a game for fun, we're all getting away with a lot that would get us ejected in regulation. :P They're really hesitant to foul me, so I'm just shooting 3s basically unobstructed. Eventually someone on the other team realizes they should probably stop me, so I get body checked by a guy 6'7". I get sprawled the fuck out on the court. I heard everyone gasp and then silence. But I'm badass, and I hop right back up. So when this guy goes to shoot, I body check HIM and sprawl HIS ass on the court. At this point we've stopped playing basketball. Now it's a fucked up game of tag where if you have the ball the other team is all going to body check you so you can't shoot. So our game is now try and score with 5 people trying to knock your ass over. This is ridiculously fun. So we're all just slamming into each other laughing our asses off, and we're having a blast.
It also is a hell of a workout for me, because these guy outsize me by a lot and it's not easy to knock them over. I'm still sore. I also have bruises all over my shins. But I had a great time. More importantly, I don't seem to hesitate to interact with other people/ a group of people anymore. It's very "oh why the hell not". I had to come out of my shell sometime. Besides, I'm gonna need that skill when I transfer schools.
On that topic I feel so deeply conflicted right now it's really distressing. What chances do I want to take? Where do I want to go? Where SHOULD I go? What's best for me? What about Warren, how should I factor him in or should I factor him in? I'll say this much, I will NEVER EVER go anywhere that would alienate me from him or stress our relationship. I value it too much...I need it, and him, too much...I hope I make the right choice. Kinda wish I had his input on where he thinks I would be happiest at. He knows me far better than I do, he knows what I want and need to be happy.
I hope he realizes that includes him too.
~A.