Keep the Dream Alive by Oasis, just so happened to be the song playing when I started writing this and I thought it was fitting. That's kind of where I am in life right now, where my real life and my dreams are merging together. Can't find it on YouTube...so deal! :P
I really gotta find a new song, I STILL listen to Part Of The Queue over and over in my car. I'll change it up sometimes, but the majority of the time that's the song coming from my car. I'm pretty sure half of ABQ is sick of it by now. :P I'm not! I do feel like I'm having trouble finding my soul in this town. Either that or UNM is sucking it out of me. Either way.
So I went to the world market to track down a spice for my mother. On my way back, since I had to drive by UNM, I decided to stop. I parked, wandered over to the duck pond for a bit and did some thinking. Last spring I about damn lived at the duck pond if I wasn't in class. I got to thinking about the past year and how damn wild a ride it has been.
The wind picked up and was damn cold, so I went back to my car. Parked next to my car was a del sol, the same color as mine. Me and the guy who owned it got to talking about del sols and ourselves for a minute. He was admiring mine, the matching blue seats, how it was lowered, talked about my headlights and he asked me if I'd just washed it. I hadn't, but the snow and crap didn't stick to my car because I'd hand waxed it a few days ago so it looked slick. His wasn't in the best of shape, clear coat failing, paint fading, glass cracked, seats torn up, it looked like a 14 year old car, basically. (Mine does not, obviously)
He'd just transferred from Wyoming, spring would be his first semester at UNM. Same place I was a year ago, it was December 18th I'd received my acceptance letter, actually. I gave him some advice about dealing with UNM, and just to make sure he stays on top of everything because they won't. Recommended a couple of professors too, just basic trying to be helpful stuff.
I got in my car and took off towards home, but that guy had got me thinking...mostly about how he was a representation of me a year ago. I was a MESS. In every way, mentally, emotionally, physically...I was not on top of my shit. I was new to UNM, new to this type of university life...and I was FUCKING TERRIFIED. Will I make friends? Will people think I'm weird? Will I do well? Will I choke? Will I live through finals sane? Will it be obvious I'm new? To get to my comparison, that guy was new and kinda nervous just like I was a year ago. Then there's current me, confident, no longer nervous, successful every damn which way, know what my path is, I've made friends...I'm on top of my shit. And getting kinda cocky about it. :P Even the del sols were two extremes...his being battered and worn, not in great shape...mine being slick as all fuck...with my public nuisance headlights and loud music. :P
In just a year, holy shit, I've become someone I used to think I'd never be but wanted to be. Confident, social (well, social for me), successful, thriving, hot little car...and her hot little self. Mentally I'm stronger (scary, right?), emotionally I'm stronger and wiser (*mutters about some asshole*), physically I'm in the best shape of my life so I'm stronger there too. I know I come off as cocky, and this next thought is definitely another one of those times. I'm in awe of who the hell I am right now. I'm impressed with myself and the extreme changes I managed in ONE year. I don't doubt myself much anymore, I don't get so damn down on myself, I don't let myself get pushed around and manipulated...I can see what I can accomplish with just me. Anything I damn want to. I've always been a force of nature, but now it's focused and controlled...and I focus and control it.
Hey dad, remember that little girl who thought she was supergirl, who thought she could fly and was invincible?
She's back. :)
~A.
Song by Gil Scott Heron:
Now sweet little ol' brown eyed girl...
You know how I know I get wiser as I get older? Because my dad starts making sense. :P It gets easier to see what I formerly classified as being overbearing was just being protective. Maybe it's not communicated the best way, but I still get the point. We're both pig-headed and have a tendency to feel that the other one is wrong. (Didn't you say your rule 1 was you're always right, dad? :P) My kneejerk reaction is he is trying to hold me back, and his is that I'm being impulsive and don't know what I'm doing. I'm specifically referring to the whole me transferring thing from here forward. After doing a lot of thinking about many things, I realized he is just trying to make sure my ducks are in a row before I do anything drastic. I'm pretty sure he understands my logic behind the whole idea...but worries about me. I know he loves the snot out of me though. I don't question that. We're just both very strong personalities that don't always see things the same way. I do always take his advice and points into consideration. ALWAYS. I've even adjusted and further researched a few things because he mentioned things that slipped by me.
I don't think that we'll ever realize we're both on the same team and have the same goals. It's just that way. But we bring two very different perspectives to the table that when put together make a clearer picture. I know that we're taking two different ways to reach the same conclusion. How he, or I, or both of us get there doesn't matter. It's that we get there. We're still gonna argue on how to get there though. :P
When I left Oklahoma to make the drive back to ABQ, that morning I saw just how much my dad loves me and cares. First, he was harping on me about stopping to guzzle some Red Bull for the drive and how it's not good for me. He actually did guilt me out of drinking Red Bull...but in Amarillo I stopped and got a Red Bull cola, which is Red Bull's version of coca cola, it's not cola with red bull in it. That was my way of rebelling a little. I wound up not even drinking the damn thing until 3 days after I'd gotten back. So much for THAT rebellion. :P I'm laughing at myself right now.
During my stay there, he picked up on my fondness for green tea and raw almonds. So that morning I left he gave me a thermos cup of hot green tea, a bag of raw almonds and some dark chocolate for my caffeine fix. I seriously about cried over that. That meant the world to me. I drink green tea out of that cup every morning now, it was that special to me. It reminds me of his thoughtfulness and how much he really is looking out for me. I'm about to cry now just thinking about it, really.
Sometimes the smallest things say the most. Sometimes they even say it without seemingly saying it. The message got through to me though.
I love you too, dad.
~A.