Primordial Chaos

So, this isn't going to be some celebratory post, I'm really dealing with a fucker of a storm mentally right now and despite my trying to keep it to myself and go through it alone (something Warren REALLY doesn't like me to do) it's alllllll coming out here. That's what this damn thing is for anyways, but I dislike people seeing a darker side of me.

Good news first, I've managed to trim down my final week hell to one final. This involves taking a B in one class and not taking the final, but fuck it, I don't need the stress right now. I'll take a B in exchange for some sanity. Need to, at this rate...

Also, I came up with a way to take summer classes AND juggle trips between here and Oklahoma and eventually the big move. UNM offers correspondence classes, where you mail/fax/email in assignments and you can take tests basically from any public library that will proctor them. (Which is most, this is a common request of public libraries.) This also means my UNC fall schedule will change since I'm taking two classes this summer I had signed up for in the Fall. One class is the same and the other is a different class that fulfills the same gen ed requirements as UNC's, but I haven't decided if I will drop that one at UNC yet. Depends on what is open at UNC I can take and use.

Now for the unpleasant stuff. So, the more success I find, the bitchier my mother gets. I'm kinda tired of it. No, strike that I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF IT. She's almost completely stopped talking to me at home, and only occasionally emails me, we used to email back and forth all day. Now all I get is attitude and hostility. For example, so her car was broken into, probably because she left her purse in her car in the open. She usually parks in the garage, but she didn't that night because since there are 3 vehicles and we have to do this weird car shuffle bullshit, she had parked outside. Well, now she's convinced her car and her stuff  are targets for thieves and HAS TO park in the garage. Alright, so that leaves the driveway for me and Jess. Through sheer bullshit, Jess gets to park on the side of the driveway that is NOT where my mom parks in the garage. So I get to park behind her. Well, Jess and my mom usually but not always car pool, and I am always left to be the one shuffling my car around, or even better PARKING IN THE STREET OVERNIGHT. Hey, that's fucking great, not like I didn't beat the fuck out of a guy who is part of a crime ring or anything OH WAIT YES I DID. Also, my car is RARE. I don't mean as del sol uncommon, because they are uncommon, but the trim level of my car is RARE. I've been offered 9k for my car (I paid 3500 and have probably sunk 3k and a lot of hours into it), and the previous owner had issues with the car being broken into and parts stolen out of it because they are so rare and expensive. So, yes, let's let me park in the fucking street so my shit can get jacked and torn up, we've had quite a few break-ins on our street recently. Why not let Jess park in the fucking street, he's going to pay off his car in 2 years and go get something else. Also, his car is completely minimalistic. No power anything, doesn't even have AC. (And yes, it's a 2010 with no AC.) He can also afford to get his shit fucked up. I kinda can't. But no, I suggested he park in the street and about caught holy hell. Why? Cause my mother STRONGLY prefers my brother over me and thinks his new Jeep is more likely to be broken into. and as far as me, nothing I do or suggest can ever be right. Nothing ever is. All she does is complain about me and to me. I do not like who she is right now. She is being very "woe is me" and negative. Plus the whole favoritism trumping logic thing is pissing me off. If anything happens to Blue because of this shit, ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. Anyways, this makes me home life miserable, and I wind up so unhappy and depressed I cry and sleep a lot. Keep in mind I'm still off all my meds. Awesome.

Being off my meds brings up another topic I am really worried about. So, I was under orders to stop running, then I went off my meds, that plus all the home stress...I've gained like 15 pounds in the past month. The self-loathing about this is overwhelming. Now, granted, they told me to expect to gain 20-30 and as long as I didn't gain more than that, it would help get my blood sugar seizure shit under control faster. But I spent so long just plain fucking HUGE, that any gain over about 5 pounds sends me into a panic. That's not the only thing though...see, oh god admitting this sucks so fucking hard, since I'm going to Chapel Hill this summer...ugh. To blurt it out, I'm completely afraid Warren would reject me over it, that he wouldn't find me attractive. :( Am I crying while I write this? Yes, but I'm gonna keep going. To make this worse, I am mad at myself for thinking he is so shallow, because I don't generally think he is. (Though the comment about dumping girls for annoying accents kinda didn't ease my mind...) This just sucks.

So, add those two together, and guess what you get? An Aeris who wants to leave NM sooner rather than later to get away from the negativity of her mom, but also an Aeris who doesn't want to go to UNC yet because she's being fucking shallow and thinks she looks unattractive. Great. Said Aeris has also been crying, A LOT, because of both things. I'm just unhappy. I feel absolutely miserable and alone, and that people would just scold me if I tried to explain or talk about things, that I should just shut up and be happy about UNC and blah blah. I haven't been blogging because I feel so ashamed of the things I think, that I dislike my own mother and that I'm so self conscious and think so little of how Warren sees me.

I'm currently making solid plans to leave here and working out the details of my move. I have to keep going, regardless of this shit.

For the next few steps I take...you can follow me by the trail of my tears.

~A.