Primordial Chaos

Archive: http://chaoticarchives.blogspot.com/

Hair Blog: http://mysigmoidalchaos.blogspot.com/

AND the grand debut of my new everyday bullshit blog: http://wtfdidthedogstepin.blogspot.com/

Enjoy. :)

~A.

I look at the theme and pretenses under which this blog was created, fertile with possibilities, future source of order and greatness, and I've been mulling this over for a few weeks now. The point of this blog was to document me finding myself, finding my way.

And I've done just that. Hell, I've blown everyone away at just how well and how successful I've become so damn quickly. Chapel Hill is not a school just anyone gets admitted to, and definitely not an easy one to transfer into. I did it, I transferred into one of the best schools in the country, and hell, in state tuition at CH is cheaper (by like 900 bucks!) than instate here at UNM! Honors this and that, when I graduate I'm going to be decked out in all kinds of honors regalia, cords, tassels, etc. Got a paid research assistant position ON CAMPUS, and probably going to sign up for a unpaid internship at an elementary school for autistic kiddos.

All of this is exciting and scary, and I have a lot to learn to rebuild my comfort zone in Chapel Hill. That's the scary part, the part that gives me pause, having to live outside of my comfort zone for a while. Obviously, I push myself hard, and I don't want to do anything while I'm adjusting to leave a bad impression on anyone in my new environs. I don't handle discomfort well sometimes, unfortunately, especially involving a new place AND new people. I will try hard to keep my cool, but I'm not perfect. Yes, I'm showing a bit of humility here, even though when I walk out the door I put on my "you can't touch this" attitude. That attitude helps me navigate scary situations because I just think to myself that I can do it, and I can do it better. It seems to work and my confidence conquers my fears a lot more often than not. What's even better is people around me believe it too. People I meet think I'm hot shit because I think I'm hot shit and I act like I'm hot shit. Walks like a badass, talks like a badass, must be a badass! They don't have to know I have a tender side. You can forget I said that too. :P

My point is this, that this blog is no longer where I am in life and mind, hence my disinterest and neglect of it. It's a new phase and I need a new blog with new titles and new theme and everything. Eventually, when I figure out what the theme is, I will create a new blog. Until then, this will be my last post on this blog, and this blog, in one week's time, will be put under a new blog that I use to archive old phases of my blog, instead of my previous habit of deleting them entirely.

Thanks to everyone for sharing this phase of my life with me. For those of you still on the train, hang the fuck on, this new phase is shaping up to blow everyone's mind.

~A.

So I have 4 blogs I'm neglecting, which sucks but I promise once my spring semester is officially over I'll be better about it. My one and only final is on Tuesday, not Thursday like I thought, and even though I have summer classes and a move to work on after that, I won't be as constrained on time. Right now though, since until last night I thought my final was on Thursday, I've been studying pretty hard. I'm fucking terrible at keeping my shit together when I feel as overwhelmed as I do, so I'm making I am on point all the way around. Plus I've had to do A LOT of calling UNC and arguing with UNM to make sure this transfer goes smoothly, but I'm on top of my game. At least school-wise.

I have 2 stitches in my head as of late yesterday evening. Of course there's a story, they're not there for aesthetics. When I was dealing with the seizures and getting EEGs a few weeks ago, what they do is fill the electrodes with a salt solution and scrape your scalp at the same time to get a good connection. I was told the device doesn't break the skin but hurts, and that was the case. HOWEVER, it broke off a few of my hairs really short and, of course, they eventually became ingrown and infected, creating an abscess. So they had to lance it, drain it, and put me on antibiotics. Fantastic. What this also means, and I seriously cried for hours, is my wonderful healthy, silky, curly ass hair I'd meticulously been caring for got SHAVED OFF. Now, usually I don't give a shit how much hair I do or do not have. But I'd put so much effort into learning how to properly care for and manage my curls so that I could grow them out that this is basically devastating and it's adding to the dark cloud of depression hanging over me. So I made two decisions to try and find some silver lining. 1) I demanded to take the hair they cut off, and I donated it to this group who is using hair clippings to help clean up the oil spill in the gulf. God knows my hair will soak up some oil, so figured it was a contribution to the cause. 2) Going to completely redo my hair blog, and I guess it'll be easy to measure growth since I have no god damn hair, and I'll be starting with hair that is completely unmanipulated (part of my former hair was lightly relaxed to make my curls more manageable) so I'll have a better/more accurate gauge of my hair progress. Minor things, but they're keeping me from constantly crying over the loss of my trademark curly lion's mane.

So I found an apartment complex I'd like to move into, then I found another one today I also like. I don't have a move in date yet, and I should probably figure that out sooner rather than later. I'm eying mid-July, like the week of my b-day since it's a Sunday, preferably in the middle of the week just because of traffic and such on the weekends. That'd give me about a month to get somewhat comfortable, figure out my way around, adjust to my new life a bit and give me less stress when my new semester starts. UNC is a more academically rigorous school, so I want to be able to focus intently until I'm into the swing of things. Also gives me time to go to the beach a couple of times. :P

I'm growing Ghost Peppers in my indoor garden, and I'm excited they've finally sprouted. What are Ghost Peppers? (They're also known as Bhut Jolokias) THE HOTTEST PEPPERS IN THE WORLD! How hot? REALLY spicy Jalapenos clock in at about 10k Scoville units. Habaneros check in at about 350k. These babies register about 1.1 MILLION Scoville units. I eat Habaneros as snacks. Even I am scared to eat to try them. But you know I will. :P

I went back to knitting in an attempt to work on my fine motor skills, give me a creative outlet, and just because. I'm currently working on a HUGE light blue and navy blanket, though I haven't quite finalized my design so I'm just practicing the stitches I'm plan on using for now. It'll be a UNC themed blanket though! :)

I have other crap to talk about, but I need to think about it for a bit more.

Let's just say that as badass as I am, I'm having major delusions of inadequacy. Perfectionism is a bitch.

~A.

So, this isn't going to be some celebratory post, I'm really dealing with a fucker of a storm mentally right now and despite my trying to keep it to myself and go through it alone (something Warren REALLY doesn't like me to do) it's alllllll coming out here. That's what this damn thing is for anyways, but I dislike people seeing a darker side of me.

Good news first, I've managed to trim down my final week hell to one final. This involves taking a B in one class and not taking the final, but fuck it, I don't need the stress right now. I'll take a B in exchange for some sanity. Need to, at this rate...

Also, I came up with a way to take summer classes AND juggle trips between here and Oklahoma and eventually the big move. UNM offers correspondence classes, where you mail/fax/email in assignments and you can take tests basically from any public library that will proctor them. (Which is most, this is a common request of public libraries.) This also means my UNC fall schedule will change since I'm taking two classes this summer I had signed up for in the Fall. One class is the same and the other is a different class that fulfills the same gen ed requirements as UNC's, but I haven't decided if I will drop that one at UNC yet. Depends on what is open at UNC I can take and use.

Now for the unpleasant stuff. So, the more success I find, the bitchier my mother gets. I'm kinda tired of it. No, strike that I AM REALLY FUCKING TIRED OF IT. She's almost completely stopped talking to me at home, and only occasionally emails me, we used to email back and forth all day. Now all I get is attitude and hostility. For example, so her car was broken into, probably because she left her purse in her car in the open. She usually parks in the garage, but she didn't that night because since there are 3 vehicles and we have to do this weird car shuffle bullshit, she had parked outside. Well, now she's convinced her car and her stuff  are targets for thieves and HAS TO park in the garage. Alright, so that leaves the driveway for me and Jess. Through sheer bullshit, Jess gets to park on the side of the driveway that is NOT where my mom parks in the garage. So I get to park behind her. Well, Jess and my mom usually but not always car pool, and I am always left to be the one shuffling my car around, or even better PARKING IN THE STREET OVERNIGHT. Hey, that's fucking great, not like I didn't beat the fuck out of a guy who is part of a crime ring or anything OH WAIT YES I DID. Also, my car is RARE. I don't mean as del sol uncommon, because they are uncommon, but the trim level of my car is RARE. I've been offered 9k for my car (I paid 3500 and have probably sunk 3k and a lot of hours into it), and the previous owner had issues with the car being broken into and parts stolen out of it because they are so rare and expensive. So, yes, let's let me park in the fucking street so my shit can get jacked and torn up, we've had quite a few break-ins on our street recently. Why not let Jess park in the fucking street, he's going to pay off his car in 2 years and go get something else. Also, his car is completely minimalistic. No power anything, doesn't even have AC. (And yes, it's a 2010 with no AC.) He can also afford to get his shit fucked up. I kinda can't. But no, I suggested he park in the street and about caught holy hell. Why? Cause my mother STRONGLY prefers my brother over me and thinks his new Jeep is more likely to be broken into. and as far as me, nothing I do or suggest can ever be right. Nothing ever is. All she does is complain about me and to me. I do not like who she is right now. She is being very "woe is me" and negative. Plus the whole favoritism trumping logic thing is pissing me off. If anything happens to Blue because of this shit, ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE. Anyways, this makes me home life miserable, and I wind up so unhappy and depressed I cry and sleep a lot. Keep in mind I'm still off all my meds. Awesome.

Being off my meds brings up another topic I am really worried about. So, I was under orders to stop running, then I went off my meds, that plus all the home stress...I've gained like 15 pounds in the past month. The self-loathing about this is overwhelming. Now, granted, they told me to expect to gain 20-30 and as long as I didn't gain more than that, it would help get my blood sugar seizure shit under control faster. But I spent so long just plain fucking HUGE, that any gain over about 5 pounds sends me into a panic. That's not the only thing though...see, oh god admitting this sucks so fucking hard, since I'm going to Chapel Hill this summer...ugh. To blurt it out, I'm completely afraid Warren would reject me over it, that he wouldn't find me attractive. :( Am I crying while I write this? Yes, but I'm gonna keep going. To make this worse, I am mad at myself for thinking he is so shallow, because I don't generally think he is. (Though the comment about dumping girls for annoying accents kinda didn't ease my mind...) This just sucks.

So, add those two together, and guess what you get? An Aeris who wants to leave NM sooner rather than later to get away from the negativity of her mom, but also an Aeris who doesn't want to go to UNC yet because she's being fucking shallow and thinks she looks unattractive. Great. Said Aeris has also been crying, A LOT, because of both things. I'm just unhappy. I feel absolutely miserable and alone, and that people would just scold me if I tried to explain or talk about things, that I should just shut up and be happy about UNC and blah blah. I haven't been blogging because I feel so ashamed of the things I think, that I dislike my own mother and that I'm so self conscious and think so little of how Warren sees me.

I'm currently making solid plans to leave here and working out the details of my move. I have to keep going, regardless of this shit.

For the next few steps I take...you can follow me by the trail of my tears.

~A.

So, my current major concern about my moving is finding an apartment. I'd live on campus, but I'd have to have a roommate which doesn't mesh well with my autistic tendencies plus I'd have to have a female roommate, or even worse ROOMMATES. No. Hell no. There's no way I'd be able to focus and study in that situation. The idea itself seriously gives me anxiety. I need my own space to manifest my own weird tendencies. Plus my cat Metro is coming along. I wanna bring Emma, but I don't think that's workable. :( Of course, she's so loyal to me that the idea of leaving her breaks my heart. Hell, I'm gonna miss my brother too. Leaving UNM was an easy decision, the other stuff I leave behind is the hard part.

I've been doing heavy browsing online for places that I will thrive at, and Warren recommended somewhere too. I've found one place I REALLY like, partly because they have a pond with a fountain on the premises. Actually, mostly because of that. That and washer and dryer in the unit. I'm easy to please. :P I'll be walking, biking, or taking the bus to school, and most of the town is connected through the (free) bus lines, so location isn't that much of a concern. Besides being close to the fucking bars, I'm not ok with that. Not a party girl either, quiet nights at home are ideal for me. I prefer intellectual conversation/pursuits at this point in my life, something I'm not going to find at a bar. Though people watching would probably be reallllllly interesting. What I mean is, watching drunk people act stupid. :P I dunno, hopefully I find somewhere where I'm not compromising anything that's a major issue to me. I'm really stressing out about it though. = /

I'm not leaving here with much. My personal effects and my clothes, basically. Well, and two tables I'm not sure how I'm going to get to NC. That's my only furniture, I gotta start all over otherwise including a bed. Which I'm ok with, I like the idea of building my new little world from scratch. Of course, once I actually start doing it I'm probably going to hate it. I won't even have a TV! Usually, this wouldn't be an issue, but there's this thing called basketball I'm kinda into, and I gotta keep track of my Lobos since I won't be nearby anymore. :) It'll be easy to keep track of my Heels, I'll be one! :D UNC has a lottery system for student tickets, so it's not like here where if I go to the ticket office on distribution day I'm guaranteed a ticket. I won't be guaranteed a ticket for any game. But you can bet your ass I'm signing up for the lottery every damn game, and surely I'll get to go to one or two. You'll be hearing all about it, lol.

Check this shit out, I designed these Converse, click on the shoe to spin it around and see the whole thing and make sure you check out the heel of the shoe. :) http://www.converse.com/#/products/shoes/converseone/builder/chuTayOxLea0901,,,206012626 (I love my Converse, alright?) That blue is actually Carolina Blue, and I totally need a pair to rock on my first day of class. :P

Anyways, I'm really excited but also so absolutely stressed out beyond comprehension, not only making sure this transfer goes smoothly, but I'm looking finals dead in the eye. I may have a solution for my being torn about summer classes though, and one that will help me at UNC even too. Need to talk to UNM first though. 

This world is mine. :)

~A.

You know, did I REALLY need my ego reinforced. Hell no, but it is and everyone is going to need to deal with it. Two songs for this post, and this post is pretty major. First up, Carolina by Matt Wertz. Simply because, as most people know by now, I'm transferring to Carolina to be a Tar Heel!

Carolina:


Carolina, I know I'm pure badassery, Carolina this is just my tendency, forgive me. ;)

Next up, the song from which the title of this post comes from, Everything, Everyday, Everywhere by Fabolous, featuring Keri Hilson and one of my favs Ryan Leslie. Quick note about Ryan Leslie, he's a fellow mixed breed who didn't graduate high school. Why? Because instead of completing his senior year of high school HE WENT STRAIGHT TO HARVARD AND GOT HIS DEGREE. Holy fuck. That's badass I can appreciate! Anyways, if you like RnB that doesn't sound like pop music, check out my boy R. Les. Dude is impressive and very clever.

Everything, Everyday, Everywhere:



When I sing along to this song in my car (and you bet your ass I do) I change the very first two lines of the song. Well, one word. My version: Same shit different day, just riding through the city looking pretty as the usual, it's same old thing got the name on the ride just to let them know who's who. ;) My favorite line just because it's so obnoxious and kinda offensive: "In this bitch like an unborn baby". Holy god that makes me laugh. This song is definitely kinda my theme song lately. :P

I know I haven't been facebooking or blogging or tweeting much lately, but to be honest I didn't feel like it because I was so stressed out over waiting for my decision, plus I got swamped with end of the semester bullshit at school. I spent the weekend working on stuff, and now I only have one paper to finish and finals to study for, so I have some mental space. I'm back now. :)

I enrolled for the Fall semester today for UNC. Most of what I wanted to take was full, like intro to cognitive science. I would up with a bunch of gen ed stuff, but all of it is pretty interesting AND classes I NEED so it works out. Calculus for social sciences isn't THAT interesting, but it's applied math instead of doing a million problems with no application. I'm a wiz at applying math (ie using stats for basketball) and this makes me a decent programmer too. There's the philosophy to mathematical logic which relates to programming, intro drawing, since I've always wanted to learn to draw, but at UNM the only classes that count towards your fine arts requirement are art history, which is FUCKING BORING, the next level of psych research techniques, and World prehistory, which covers the ancestors to human being up to ancient civilizations. Very cool and interesting stuff to me. Schedule MIGHT change, but I needed to get into classes quick and luckily got interesting stuff that I needed to take. Haven't decided if I'll take a minor or a second major, I might.

I want to take 2 classes this summer at UNM to get me on a more even keel at UNC, but I'm not sure how I will swing it. The first day of class is August 24th, so my badass needs to be in Chapel Hill by then, summer classes end July 31st but Cy factors in too. I was thinking I stay in OK for a while before continuing on down I-40, but I dunno. So much damn planned and details to figure out, I definitely feel overwhelmed. I need to start seriously thinking about where the hell I'm going to live too! AHHH!! So much to do. :(

The best moment of this whole thing so far was when I called my dad to tell him and he basically said he was gonna make the trip with me. Like, I can't even express how happy that made me, even happier than getting in. I made a post before how much that would mean to me, and even thinking about it is causing me to get a little teary eyed as I write this. Thanks dad. For everything. I couldn't have done this without you. I'm a hurricane at this point, and all hurricanes are fueled by hot air, something my dad has given me plenty of! :P I'm kidding with ya dad, I love you. :)

I also go to Chapel Hill with no more risk of seizures than before all this mess, which is reassuring. I'm back to normal, which means everyone can put down their guard about the damn seizures.

So, Warren told me previously he didn't think I could get in. Then I did and I gently teased him about being wrong (I love doing that), and you know what he said? "The sun shines on a dog's balls every now and then." Ooooo, he drives me nuts sometimes! But he's my partner in crime, and it is a massive comfort to know he will be nearby. He's my absolute best friend. That's really as far as I feel like defining our relationship right now. There's more to it, but it doesn't need defining. We know, the rest of you can guess and speculate. :P

Blueshift got a few upgrades. The dome light is now blue LED and there are blue LEDs lighting up the driver and passenger sides on the floor. New tail lights, and the xenons are back. The only thing that needs to be done is the rear bumper needs to be fixed, but I haven't done that because I haven't decided if I'm going to just fix the bumper or repaint the whole damn car. But Blue is looking sliiiiiiiick, and I'm looking slick behind the wheel. :)

I keep walking around like I own the place. Yesterday on campus my strut was in full effect and my attitude was on full display. My ego is SO HUGE right now. I'm leaving UNM for one of the best schools in the country. I'm now pretty convinced I'm unstoppable. :)

I'm bad, bad, BADASS!

~A.

Yes, I know it's been a while. Basically, I am stressed out and have a lot of chaos on my plate right now. I'm so wrapping up dealing with shit I just don't want to write about it, but I promise soon will be some posts with all kinds of details about what's up. Just lately I don't really have it in me to write my typical posts, and even quick blurbs are...well, aggravating to write. Finals week is 3 weeks from Monday and I have papers and presentations to get done, plus trying to cover my bases for next Fall (don't even ask me about that right now, just don't), I'm just swamped and REALLY irked about it. Mostly because I HATE having so much of my mind occupied to the point I get upset and overwhelmed. So that's where it all is right now. You can assume on the days I don't post they're something like this:

Two things quickly, first off Blue is getting his Xenons back this week, I finished redoing the wiring and the bulbs are on the way. He's also getting a brand new flashy set of tail lights too, pics when I get both installed.

Second, I realized something last night. The first rule about Aeris and Warren is you don't talk about Aeris and Warren. What I mean is, although it is an unspoken rule, our "status" is basically forbidden to talk about, both between us and to others. Well, since I'm Aeris, and we all know how I feel about rules...I'm gonna say something about it. As much as we both dance around the bush about things, we're basically "together". I hate any term that implies commitment, so I'm just gonna put it like this: Warren is my #1. I actually refer to him in conversation as such whenever someone gets ballsy to ask what's up with me and him. "Oh, he's my #1."

Interesting post topics to come: P and I are no longer friends and Ryan is back in town and in my face about shit, plus results from my neurologist appointment! My life would make great TV.

~A.

So, the post I was gonna post yesterday revolved around this one song that has since been removed from youtube, and the post made no sense without it. I'm kinda pissed off, but fuck it, I'll go with something else. I'm also in a bad mood because my mom is being moody and rather hostile to me. I'm tired of backhanded comments, and she's handing them out right and left lately. She calls me defective one more time, and she's gonna get a dose of me she never wanted. I don't give a fuck who you are NO ONE TALKS DOWN TO ME. I am no one's doormat, and you better believe that.

Tonight me and Jess were watching the news, and they showed the police sketch of the black guy who stabbed some white girl in the neck 3 times at UNM, the sketch I STRONGLY resemble. Jess started laughing because it looks so much like me, and my phone started going off with emails and messages from people I know making jokes about it. Despite there being moments where the urge is strong, I didn't stab someone in the neck. :P

I made a post before about how I listen to video game music to get me going in the morning. It's like my version of coffee. Instead of the song I was going to do a post about, I decided to post some of my favs, most of which are from one damn game. Well, mostly because the others I can't find on youtube, but whatever. Super Nintendo games are up first. :)

Super Castlevania 4 (awesome already) music form the submerged city. This is one of me and Jess' fav songs from video games ever. I have this game on my Droid. :P I LOVE this song, it's just such a good song and very pretty/haunting.

The Submerged City:


Lavos. This motherfucker was the most evil boss I've ever dealt with. See, the actual end boss has 3 "parts", 2 small guys and this big jackass. As it turns out, you spend your time taking out the big guy...who then gets rezzed by one of the small guys. See, the actual boss is one of the small guys, but you are under every impression you need to kill the big guy to win. He has a few themes and the vid I'm posting you'll see the 3 parts, it's towards the end of the vid. Plus that's the song I usually listen to. He also kills the main character and you have to go save his ass. The game is called Chrono Trigger and is one of my fav games EVER. Plus the music is just badass.

Lavos Theme:

Chrono Trigger again, this time it's Magus' theme. My second fav character in the game.

Magus Theme:

Magus has a sister named Schala, her theme is just plain beautiful:

Schala theme:

Magus starts off as an enemy, and is the archenemy of one of your characters at first. This character is obviously, named Frog, but his real name is Glenn. Magus killed his best friend and mentor, and Frog has been out to get Magus ever since. Who was Frog's best friend? Oh, just some guy named...Cyrus. (you're damn right that's where I got the name)

Frog's theme:

This is the Chrono Trigger main theme, just when you lose your main character, shit looks bleak, things shift and you're back on track to save the world! I really love listening to this song on test days. If you hear this song playing and I'm in Blueshift, get the fuck out of dodge. I'm in one of my moods, and NOT a good one.

CT theme:

Jumping to Playstation (PS) games quickly, I'd get smacked about if I didn't post this one...

Aeris' theme:

Chrono Trigger had a pseudo-sequel on PS called Chrono Cross, also good music.

Scars of Time:

Frozen Flame:

God, there's SO many other I wanna add, but I'll end with my absolute favorite character EVER and her theme. She's from Chrono Trigger, and she is the only character that CAN'T use magic. She is PURE physical strength and beats the hell out of things with her club. Her name is Ayla. I like that name. :P Anyways, was tempted to go as Ayla for Halloween this year (or Bowser, I have a thing for Bowser plus it's one of my many nicknames) but her outfit is a little too skimpy for my tastes. Still love her theme song, and this is my fight song of sorts. Anything in my way is gonna get beat silly, same for her. I can get with a curly haired badass who doesn't need special powers to kick ass. ;)

Ayla (Aeris too! :P) theme:

I'll stop there, there's 20 or so more songs I was thinking of posting but I gotta get up early and take my mom to the airport, she has to go to DC for work. I'm grateful for the reprieve...

I'll go drive myself insane about my app decision in the meantime. :)

~A.

This one about me and my hair: http://mysigmoidalchaos.blogspot.com/

Quick updates: I got invited to join a sorority at UNM (Hell no), Dollar General is teamed up with the charity Autism Speaks for Autism Awareness Month (how awesome is it that Autism Awareness Month is during my fav month, April? It is my fav because it is the FOURTH month :P) so shop there and stop and make a donation and hell buy something for any charity you like if there is nothing there you need, I was not cleared to run the 5k tomorrow not for health reasons but because my neurologist is running and I'm under his orders to NOT RUN so I am bummed about that, UNC decisions come out sometime this NEXT WEEK and I'm all kinds of edgy...and that's about it for now.

A really interesting post goes up tomorrow about me and some of fav music, so check it out. I just do not have the energy to finish it tonight. My mother decided to foster someone's cats so now I'm dealing with 4 dogs and 4 cats and all 8 of them are upset, my cats don't like the new cats, the dogs don't like the new cats and the new cats are assholes. The house is a mess and it's one big disaster.

Much love,

~A.

The title is Egyptian for scarab beetles and means to transform or to become. My latest fascination is with scarab beetles of all kinds. I dunno why, I randomly get fascinated with random creatures.

So, I know I've been exceptionally sporadic on Facebook, Twitter and here, as pointed out to me in a text message received earlier. 3 of my classes all the damn exams except the finals are on the same day, so every couple of week I have 3 exams the same day. So that's been keeping me busy and brutalizing my free time and mental space, due to a neurologist appointment where I can't have anything in my system, from advil to vitamins to my usual meds so I'm also going through a very violent and uncomfortable withdrawal from two of my meds plus I had to stop my birth control that keeps me from bleeding myself anemic once a month, so now I'm anemic and my body has no idea when I'm supposed to have my period so I've basically had 4 periods in the past 5-6 weeks so I'm EXTRA anemic and having to eat more more and more often which has resulted in about 2-3 pounds of weight gain over the past week. I am fucking MISERABLE and keeping updates going is like the last thing from my mind. So that's what's up. I hate my life right now, and I still have 9 days until my neurologist appointment so shit is gonna get worse for me, at least health-wise.

Today however, I am in a pretty happy mood and feel not so shitty, even though I slept maybe 3-4 hours last night, but I took a 4 hour nap when I got home today so I'm functioning. I found out today they FINALLY got in touch with the lady who rear ended me and have accepted liability so I can get my car fixed or take a $1300 check and get it fixed on my own. I'm actually debating on this one since I can grab a new bumper cover and get my car repainted RIGHT and have money left over, possibly to fix other minor shit on my car that drives me nuts. I dunno though. Since like 570 bucks of the 1300 are parts and paint, the rest is labor. Somehow that isn't justifiable to me, but at the same time part of me thinks "oh just get your car fixed and have them pay for it". There's a sticking point for me though, and that is having part of my car repainted AND they're gonna put clear coat on the part they repaint...something the rest of my car lacks since it was painted with paint that has built in clear coat. So like 1/4th of my car is gonna look like a new car and the rest will look like it does now. Which, for fuck's sake, I could repaint it myself and make it match better. That's another tempting idea. Also, they want to charge 95 bucks for ONE used tail light, when I can get the cool looking aftermarket ones I want for 45 bucks...FOR THE PAIR. So, in a way, I can get more for my money doing it myself. Through the del sol club I hang out with, I have access to professional painting equipment and a couple of professionals who'd help me get the job done for free. Still mulling this over, but my "fuck you, I can do this on my own and better and more what I want" attitude is definitely in full force. I'm not helpless or stupid, I don't NEED someone to fix my car for me. I've already removed my rear bumper before to add reinforcement under it so it can take a harder impact than standard, I could take it off and put a new one on just as easily. :) I'm telling you, being independent, smart and CAPABLE is going to serve me well in life, and already has. Maybe a custom paint job is in order... :P

So, I mentioned the del sol club I hang out with. Basically, there's about 12 of us total now, just people who are del sol drivers and lovers who all get together in our del sols and hang out and do stupid shit. For example, 6-8 of us get together on weekends and there's 6-8 del sols driving around in a herd, usually surrounding some asshole in an SUV on the phone and being pains in the ass. Like we'll surround someone and then do 10-15 under the limit, and they can't get away cause, well, they're surrounded! It's like an NBA player being impeded by a bunch of midgets. It's fucking hilarious. I've learned that everyone in this club tends to think like me driving wise, where we won't be bullied cause we drive a small car, but we will do some bullying because fuck you, we can. :P I have the "smallest" del sol since mine is the only one lowered. I'm also the only girl. I get lots of respect though because I'm not one of THOSE girl del sol drivers who doesn't understand the car but just like it cause it's cute. Blue isn't cute, Blue is BADASS. My favorite activity is del sol soccer. See, del sols are low cars without being lowered. this leads to shit like boxes and tumbleweeds getting stuck under them on a regular basis if hit at a decent speed. But, we've discovered at slower speeds, like under 15 miles per hour, tumbleweeds can be pushed around by a del sol. There are a bunch of rules so there are no collisions, but basically, we find a giant tumbleweed (not hard here) and we play soccer with it by pushing it around with our cars. This is seriously one of the most ridiculous scenes I've ever seen with a few del sols hijacking an empty parking lot and pushing a tumbleweed between two cones as our goal posts. But it is so much god damn fun. Everyone wants me on their team because my car is lowered so I can move a bit faster without pulverizing the tumbleweed. Though, I still take out the tumbleweed sometimes, if you look under my car you will see pieces of tumbleweeds stuck underneath. But everyone creams the tumbleweed at some point, and the person who scores the winning goal gets to hit the tumbleweed at a high speed which is just making a big mess and sending pieces everywhere, but it's fun to watch and do.

I was hoping I'd hear back from my preferred school application wise this week, but it's looking like it got pushed back to next week because they're so overwhelmed. = / But they pushed back the first year admissions decisions a week so I'm not super surprised transfers got pushed back. BUT JESUS I AM GOING INSANE I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF I GOT IN!!!! The absolute latest is the 17th, so I'm still under 2 weeks till I hear about my app. Gah.

Warren is my best friend and my partner in life, and to quote a song: Cause I'm a rider, and he's a roller, put us together, how they gonna stop both us?

They can't. ;)

~A.

Supposedly a week from tomorrow come the transfer decisions that I'm all worked up about. They had to delay first year decisions, hopefully not transfers too. Starting to get a little crazy, lol. All these scenarios I keep running through my mind...arghhhhh. Been hanging out on this forum going crazy with other people going through the same thing for the same school. They think my forum name is clever, I keep getting compliments about it. I'll tell what it is once decisions come out, considering all the venting I do there, I think I should probably not have it linked to me in any way until then. :P That and some people don't know where I applied to, and I wanna keep it that way until I decide what I'm doing.

I also haven't yet figured out how to tell people if I do get in. Or who to tell first. Part of me says I should call and tell people, but I'm kinda a terrible talker. I could just post it here, and let people come to me. :P This is a big deal to me, and I want to make sure it is all done right and I am comfortable with how things go down. Of course, if I don't get in I don't have to worry about all of this. :P

So, I just got my scholarship award package from UNM for Fall 2010/spring 2011. $23k for the year. Those honors seem to pay off, apparently. :P Or they're trying to get me to stay. But most of my scholarships transfer with me, and I think I can pull off a full ride, even with out of state tuition, somewhere else. Please let decisions be soon, jesus. I hate this purgatory holding pattern I'm in. That and the overwhelming self doubt I'm going through. :( The closer we get to the 8th, the more insane I'm gonna get and the more and more that's all I'm gonna talk about. I think I have something amazing to offer, I hope they think so too.

I just had to vent about the transfer crap, that's all. :)

~A.

FRIDAY APRIL 2ND IS WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY. So, go get a ribbon or something. Or hell, stop and think of me and my struggle and how much I've accomplished in spite of it. You could go read an article or some research about it. Donate a dollar to a charity. Whatever, just take a minute and put it at the forefront of your mind.



So, I called the lady who hit me and she said she'd call her insurance this morning, she didn't. Got the estimate from her insurance company today, 1300 bucks. They're gonna send a rep to her house if she doesn't call soon. Blue could have been fixed by now. :( I got that I'm dealing with, fucking neurologist appointment coming up that's gonna be hell until then, 3 tests, application decisions...ARGH. Feeling stressed out.

Speaking of stress, if a week goes by me and Warren don't bump heads, then we must not have spoken to each other for a week. :P That's what I get for associating with someone as bull-headed and stubborn as myself. Whatever, I'm usually right. ;) Of course, my dad is like that too, I know where I got it from. He's usually right though. :P I like people that challenge me and my thoughts. Good way to teach me things. You'll piss me off, but it never lasts long. I always come back for more, lol.

I've been hanging out on forums with other students trying to transfer, and I've had some pretty good discussions with them about the whole transfer thing. A few are trying to transfer where I am, so we've banded together about the stress and waiting and the school itself and how whoever from the group gets in will have the others as friends there already. It's nice to not feel so damn alone. These people get why I'm all edgy and weird, everyone else thinks I'm being silly. This is intense, putting yourself up for scrutiny and there's a chance you get rejected. I've already convinced myself I'll be rejected from my first choice, so if I am, it'll just justify my stupid mindset.

That being said, I don't think they'll forget my application. There's 2 essays on there that leave a hell of a mark. They don't glorify how good I am at this or that, they're not show-offy, they're not the typical OMG I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME BEST STUDENT EVER type of admissions essay. They're unusually raw, and unusually personal. My habit of ending everything I write with a parting line that grabs your attention also pops up in the essays. The one that is more of a personal history has a great one that's hard to just skim over. "Most importantly I need to prove this: I have autism but it does not have me." I mean, fucking really. I love that line. Isn't that the kind of spirit you want in a student? It's definitely a display of what my spirit is, spiritual strength isn't tattooed on my right arm FOREVER for no damn reason. The other essay ends with a line (well, two sentences, but you get what I mean by line) about my curiosity. "To me, it seems like there are plenty on the beaten path. Instead, I want to know what's behind those trees over there, and I'm going to go look." It leaves you mid-thought, like the essay isn't finished. Like there's more to it, more to come. You kinda wanna know well, what the fuck IS behind those tress, what happens, what does she find? Is it a bear? Nothing? rotten fruit? An acceptance letter? (Please let it be the last one, I don't want a bear or rotten fruit. :P)

 I don't know where the fuck I got that habit of how I end things I write with a semi-snazzy parting line that leaves an impression, or tries to. I do it on blog posts, I do it at school, I do it in my personal writing...it's just part of my style, I guess. I think in this case, it will be helpful in my standing out. That, and my writing in general is pretty, erm, distinct. This is my medium, I am a master of the written word. This is how I communicate. I can't talk for shit. I'm leaning HARD on my writing skills and memorable (I hope) essays to make me stand out. The being "black" helps too, schools want diversity. Hey look, an autistic minority female, bet we don't have one of those! Well, hopefully, you do now. ;) 9% of autism cases are blacks, the rate is 1 in 98 people are autistic, and 1 out of every 5 people with autism is female. Guess what? We're gonna do some math! (Someone help my dad, he's probably fainted I'm doing math again. :P)

307 million people in the US, 6.5% are black. That leaves us with: 20 million darkies. 2.7 million darkies go to college, so the ratio is 13.5% go to college. (I love the word darkies, it's fun to say.) 338 thousand cases of autism in the US, 9% are darkies: 30,420 autistic darkies. One out of 5 is female so: 6084 autistic darkie females. Doing some dirty speculating for some really rough estimates (somewhere a stats teacher is having a heart attack) and applying the 13.5% go to college to the autistics darkie girls: 822 autistic darkie females in college. Now, about 50% of autistics do not have language skills to function alone (or in college) so now we're at 411. Let's back up and go more precise, 2.7 million darkies and .6 out of every 1000 people have Asperger's. 1620 darkies with Asperger's. 1 out of every 5 is female so: 324. 20% "grow out of" Asperger's, so 260 are left. 13.5% go to college: 35 darkie girls with Asperger's in college.

Don't even start with me on how dirty the math is. I know it is dirty, I did all kinds of rounding and speculating. But it's a decent rough estimate to make my point. I AM FUCKING SPECIAL! :D The rate for Asperger's in biracials is actually lower than that of blacks, BUT, I'm black on my college apps, so I used those numbers. :P I actually looked up all those numbers and did all that math just to write that fucking paragraph to make a not all that important point. You all knew I was special, I don't need to prove it. :)

However, I learned something while looking for those percentages and stuff. Some studies have shown an increased rate of epilepsy in those with Asperger's. Aw, fuck me. I can't catch a break, can I? That sucks. :( Another factor that could be adding to my seizure issues. No way to figure out EXACTLY what is going on, it seems like.

But listen to me. Look at all the shit I have to fight through, the hills I have to climb, look at how NOT easy I have it. Then look at what I've accomplished out of sheer will and determination. Look at how badass I am, how strong I am in all regards. Don't feel sorry for me, cheer for me. Lesser persons would not have gotten as far as I have if anywhere at all. Don't feel sad I have all this extra bullshit to deal with. Feel happy that I am kicking ass all over the place, academically and in dark parking lots, in spite of it all. Be impressed that it can't stop me and that I only do better the harder the road gets. Pity doesn't help me. Rooting for me does. :)

And don't worry, I have much more impressing to do. You're not done being amazed.

~A.

Another title pulled from Dr. Seuss, gotta try new things. :) I've been in a ranting mood lately. Probably all the stress built up waiting for decisions. Where to start...

My hair. I have that typical biracial ringlets hair. They are a bitch to care for. (No wonder I cut my hair all the fucking time.) However, I am determined to grow my hair out. So, I decided to browse through the magic of Google some biracial hairstyles, maybe find something easy to maintain or that I like. Basically, all the pics were like fro, fro, cornrows, cornrows and fro, cornrows, fro, fro, out of control fro, hair weave, relaxer, relaxer and more fro. So I guess my options are limited. My hair gets so damn out of control that a fro would be very high maintenance, like were talking at least a couple of hours a day. Hell no. I don't want to go with the cornrows because my hair is fine so they don't stay. Which means hours redoing the fucking things, so more hell no. Relaxer is out because I like my curly hair and want my hair curly. I am not black enough to get a weave, thank you very much. I'm not paying hundreds of dollars to sit in a chair for TEN HOURS while my hair is put into cornrows and then extensions sewn on to them. First, because of my before mentioned issues with cornrows, that mess would need to be redone rather frequently. Second, I don't want a heavy fur coat on my head, especially during summer. There are businesses that do LOANS so people can get their hair done because it can run up to and well over 800 bucks. WHAT THE FUCK. Taking out a loan to do your hair? Holy shit! Check your fucking priorities!

I've found a solution after 26 years of arguing with my fro. Basically it involves relaxer. Yes I know what I said up there, but listen. I only leave it on long enough to relax the curls a bit, not make it straight. Like if I had big curls instead of the tiny ones. Also, because the growth grows out curly and I WANT curly, I only have to do it like every 6 months, maybe. 5 mins, rinse out and I can manage my hair. This also keeps my hair wash and go easy to do. Hell, because curly hair is naturally kinda dried out plus throw in some blackness, I only put shampoo in my hair once a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday I co-wash, meaning conditioner wash where you just put in and rinse out conditioner, the other days are water only. I also sleep with a satin cap on my head to keep my pillow from absorbing oils from my hair plus to keep the back of my head from tangling and getting little knots in it. So, I'm already doing special upkeep, I don't want more. However, it pays off because my hair is always soft, never greasy and never out of control. I can work with that. Of course, it's short right now. We'll see how I feel when it gets longer. Speaking of, ever since I stopped taking biotin my hair is growing slow as hell. I shaved my head once, then it grew to my shoulders from October to May/June. I shaved it again in September, it's end of March and still not out of so short it looks like a fro mode, not even over my ears when curly. Guess I should go back to biotin :P.

So, there's this thing where you can have your blog turned into a book. I, being curious, entered in mine to see how many pages it would be. In a compacted mode maximizing use of space, smaller pictures, etc. it's 287 pages. HO-LY SHIT! I write A LOT! That means you guys read a lot too! It's good for ya, keeps ya smart. I just thought I'd mention that because, seriously, that's a lot of writing. It's like 14.95 for a 20 page soft cover, 35 cents each extra page. 110 bucks for a soft cover version of my blog. Wild.

My brother's glass desk SHATTERED all over him yesterday, it was a huge glass top desk. It was insane to see, he put his hands on the keyboard and the glass shattered from there on out. Jess' legs were under the desk, so he got A LOT of cuts, there was glass and blood everywhere. I got him into the bathroom and got the peroxide and cotton balls, had to take care of my little brother! :) Went into his room and started cleaning up the glass while he stopped bleeding, then he came to help. Even brought me a snack to make sure I ate something. We're on much better terms now, we went together and got him a new desk today. Someone took me somewhere! :P

I exist as a contradiction to myself. Well, maybe that's not the right word. Aspects of me conflict or impair other aspects of me. Prime example, since I just got my annual eye exam reminder, I have what's referred to as hawk-eye vision. People with autism have basically vision like birds of prey do, they can hone in on a target rather specifically. I'm no exception, for once, this is what contributes to my bizarrely accurate aim. Basically, my vision is about the same as that reported for birds of prey. Well, when corrected. I have astigmatism in both eyes and a congenital cataract in my left eye. My vision SUCKS in its natural state, I can't read a TV screen from about 10-20 feet away, and everything is really blurry in general. However, I am good at picking up small details at a distance and being able to figure out what they are based on what I can see. I put my glasses on and it's a whole new ball game. My vision with no correction is about 20:40, I can see at 20 feet what "average" vision can see at 40. Ouch. Glasses on, it's 20:10, I can see at 20 feet what "average" can see at 10. I like that better. :P We'll see how much that's changed in the past year, but it's interesting I exist both ways. (Found the abstract: here. )

Another example, my reflexes are great, I'm strong and I'm quick, I run like a fucking gazelle with my long legs. You'd think this would tend me towards a good sense of balance and walking with grace and poise. Fuck no, I am clumsy as all hell. You can check my legs for a week, you will find bruises at the start, and new ones about every damn day. Living in the damn desert dries my skin out, so I put lotion on before bed every night. I found 3 new bruises last night, and a few I hadn't seen before but were starting to fade. I have no idea what the hell they're from. I trip, fall and bump into stuff all the time, so it could be any of those incidents. I look really good standing still. Walking...is another story. I stumble when running, but have never tripped. I can't go a day without tripping at school just walking across campus. There's all kinds of quirks about me like that. I find myself kinda interesting but frustrating that way.

Something that is less interesting and more frustrating is handwriting. I like to handwrite my notes when I take them in class because it's one more exposure to the material. I remember more when I handwrite my notes, something I learned a hard way. Bombed a quiz after taking notes on my netbook. Anyways, the problem being I handwrite slow and it's even worse when I'm trying to pay attention to the lecture so I can take notes and also having to writing the notes. Handwriting is EXTREMELY hard for me, I usually have to use a personal version of shorthand then go back and write them out. It takes a lot of brainpower for me to focus to handwrite something, I have to really concentrate. This makes my many notebooks of handwritten randomness that much more impressive. But I need brainpower to process the material too. :( I only just today thought of using a sound recorder to record the lectures so I can go back and make my notes. God, I'm so oblivious to the obvious. It's a wonder people don't think I'm an idiot because I miss the obvious so much. So I was eying the recording capacity on those little handheld recorders while Jess was desk shopping. After comparing all of them, I smiled. Why? Because Droid does. So, after a quick app install, My Droid is now my sound recorder too. :) And I have over 4 gigs unused on my SD card, more than any of the recorders I saw. This phone is BADASS. So it makes sense I have one. :P

Hopefully I get accepted somewhere humid. :P The climate here dries out the rubber seals on Blue, so when it rains, Blue leaks from the roof because of the removable top. :( It's like a drop every so often but it's annoying. However, I can "fix" this by wiping down my seals with silicone spray then silicone grease, something I did today while giving Blue the usual weekly inspection. After a few minutes, they soak up the silicone stuff and expand back to normal, the grease also protecting them from the weather and such. After thorough testing with the hose, no leaks. :)  Even held the hose right on where the leak usually is for a few minutes, and nothing. Now, I could always have the seals replaced by the dealer. To the tune of $700. Or $10 doing it my way. Hmmmm. Hard choice. :P I like how clever I am. :) I get to use it to be practical. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment when I circumvent bullshit like that.

I'm not doing so bad for myself. I definitely have lots of useful skills. :)

~A.

So I had this rather deeply thought out and written post I was going to post, but it didn't read or feel right. It's exceptionally rare I write something that doesn't flow well, and today I just don't feel like getting that deep in my mind. I'll give it a go another day.

Small rant: So, I got rear ended recently and I'm thinking alright, car getting fixed and it's not on me, Blue will be looking good and ready to go when I transfer schools. Because life isn't that easy, this lady and her husband are ignoring THEIR insurance's (Progressive) phone calls and letters.They haven't gotten her statement so they can't determine liability until they do which means I can't get my fucking car fixed. So now Blue is EVEN MORE damaged than before and these people won't just step up and make this easy. Progressive has been awesome about working with me, the only issue was they didn't call me to let me know this shit was going down. Progressive is going to threaten legal action next week. If they completely shirk this, I have to go through my insurance, Allstate, and use MY coverage and pay MY $400 deductible to get my car fixed, then the body shop goes after the other party to get the money back. If I hadn't gotten comprehensive/collision, I wouldn't even have that option. With GEICO I only had liability, but something told me get the full package when I dropped them like a bad habit, plus it was only a few dollars more than GEICO's liability only. (Fuck you, GEICO.)

So needless to say I'm PISSED. First, they're avoiding their insurance company for whatever reason, I mean, be a goddamn adult. If I had hit someone, I'd be like, yeah, that was my bad, cooperate fully so I'm done with it quickly, and move on with my life. I really wouldn't want my (probably former by then) insurance company suing me for breach of contract. Court isn't the most fun of all places to be. Second, if I have to pay for her fucking mistake, I'll be completely enraged and consider my legal options. Why should I have to pay $400 bucks for her screw up, then wait to get my money back when the shop gets the money from her. IF they get the money from her.

Third, and more abstractly relevant, Blueshift is my chariot of justice. From chasing down assholes throwing drinks on bums to beat downs in parking lots, Blue takes me there. And also gets me the hell out of there. :P (I need these: this shirt and another shirt. That second one is pretty true about me. Easy birthday gifts. :P That and Converse.)

To make my point, in a lot of ways, Blue is a part of my identity. Blue represents the new me, the one who takes everything head on. Blue was kinda the starting point of it all. See, I was looking for a new car, and I didn't see anything I wanted in ABQ, so I checked craigslist in cities where I had people I knew so they could take me to pick up the car or whatever. I was actually looking for another 190e, automatic. I looked for a few weeks everyday many times a day in about 7 cities, didn't find one, so I started looking at other cars I like and even just the list of what was available in general. I checked Tucson, AZ, where I have friends who I just got back from visiting over spring break actually. And I saw Blue, who was one of my fav shades of blue. I could live with a blue car. :P Blue was freshly cleaned in the pics, and in one the xenon lights were on. Blue was quite a bit underpriced (fuck the bluebook, rarity and gas mileage make these hard to find) so I figured someone local had beat me to it, I'd missed the ad somehow for a couple of days. Plus, Blue was a manual, I couldn't drive a stick. Despite this, I tried anyways and emailed the guy. He still had the car! I couldn't drive a stick to get it back here to NM though. :( I told my mom, and she stepped in and took over (as she does...), she was the one communicating with the guy, and she asked me "do you really want this car?" My immediate reply was hell yes I do. So she said she'd drive it back to NM from Tucson, our friends are there so she could visit them too. I was so happy, the guy even held the car for us, but waiting for the day my mom would fly out and bring it back was a bitch because I was so excited. I was even worse once I knew she was driving back. :P

I told all my friends and showed them the pics, and I got a similar reaction from damn near all of them: "you bought a car you can't fucking drive?" Yeah, that point hadn't been forgotten by me. I'd also had a miserable experience trying to learn a stick when I was younger, so ever since it left a bad taste in my mouth and I avoided manual transmissions. I'd backed myself into my own corner, I needed a car to get back and forth from school and such, and I had one, but I couldn't drive it. So I HAD to learn to drive a stick. I had no other option. Sometimes, this is the only way to get me to do something. Even I know this. :P Blue was sitting in the driveway, and all I could do was sit in the fucking car. The weather was nice, couldn't even take the top down and go for a drive.

My mom drove Blue while I drove her car until I learned a stick. It wasn't until the next weekend till she could take me somewhere and show me how to do it. We went out to the mall parking lot, during the day, and I got a brief speech and then she was like "try it". It was a bumpy, literally, start. Going from a stop to first gear was terrible...but going from first to second was really smooth. My mom was kinda surprised, but I guess once I got going it was easier. We were there for an hour, then went home. I'd "driven" Blue! I felt at ease when behind the wheel, wasn't all nervous like I thought I'd be. The going from first to second smoothly gave me some confidence. One night, I slipped out late, and was going to drive, sorta, around the neighborhood. I could only get to second but wouldn't need much more than that in the neighborhood. This area is called Paradise HILLS for a reason. I struggle greatly with the hills and stop signs, but I got a little better at driving. I even got to 3rd gear! I was only out for an hour, but I went home and went to bed exhausted.

It's only a couple of nights later I go out again in the middle of the night. However, I drive to this business that is right across the street from my neighborhood. Neighborhood street too, so no worries. This parking lot has a bit of a slant to it. Nothing major, but there's a slope. Since I can't do any slope at this point, I got the idea to go there and practice. I get this loop going, around the parking lot, up the slope to continue my circle, then finishing where I started. I took an hour doing this, and was doing damn well close to the end. I decided to live dangerously, and I got on a major street that forms one boundary of the neighborhood. Of course, it's 2 am and no one is out, so not very dangerously. I get so excited because it feels like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to, I shouldn't be on major streets. I went maybe half a mile on that road then went home. Progress!

Later that week I take my 4th, and what winds up being my final, practice hour. I start off in the neighborhood, couple of stalls, but goes really well. I try the streets on hills, and don't do so bad there either. I go on major streets too, and even make my way to where I'd be doing most of my driving, the transit center to pick up the crosstown bus and ride my 15 miles to school. I drive there, and I drive more on the major streets, and then I drive home after just over an hour never having to go beyond 3rd gear. I get in the driveway and turn off the car, but don't get out. The nights were very pleasant and not chilly, so I had my top down. I look up at the stars and the moon shining on me and I felt pretty good that I am learning how to conquer something I heavily avoided. This Aeris was fearless. A conquistadora of herself and the world around her. Or with her bright eyes and eager smile, conquistadorable. :P (that is actually a nickname of mine, I get lots of nicknames, lol)

I was no longer intimidated by learning to drive a manual, or damn near anything. Supergirl was back, and she was grown up and BADASS. I turn my car on, and leave the house, make my way on a major street, just cruising, even have my music on and turned up a little. Feeling pretty damn good and badass while driving around, so I make my way to one of the streets that crosses the river, Paseo Del Norte. This is basically like a highway, speed limit is 60. I'd have to go all the way to 5th for that! But I'm Supergirl, and I am BAD. ASS. I get on and speed up, getting up to 65 and feeling seriously like I did something I wasn't supposed to. Nevermind I'm a grown ass woman driving her own car and could go where she pleased, there was still that feeling of being a noob who shouldn't be running with the big boys, especially not in that tiny little car. But fuck that, I was out there, music up louder than before and wind going through my hair...and I was in 5th gear. I'd conquered this. I'd tamed this horse.

Blue was now MY car, and my mom went back to driving hers. I still had a few stall outs at lights for a couple of weeks and super steep hills were a challenge too. After about a month, stall outs happened maybe once a week, if at all. I learned how to drive a stick in a total of 4 hours. Which made me smile because that's my lucky/favorite number. I have days where I stall it out, miss gears, etc. like all fucking day, then weeks of nothing. Just off days, I guess.

So over time I've cleaned up Blue, floormats, seats, LED instrument panel lights (in blue of course), AERIS in chrome on my rear driver's side, a good wash and hand wax once a week and I also check fluids, belts, tire tread, brakes, air filter and fuses then too. Hell, because I'm in the desert I even “moisturize” my rubber and seals so they last longer. It's just silicone spray and silicone grease, but like anyone fucking does that. I, being clever and able, went to Autozone and bought the Haynes guide for my car, since I didn't know where things were or what they did and I like knowing my damn car. I do Blue's oil changes.  Yes, I get under my damn car and change my own fucking oil. Cause I'm badass. For the cost of taking it somewhere to get it done with cheap stuff, I do it on my own, use the high end primo oil and filter and still save a few bucks. Plus it's kinda fun to do it, it's easy as hell and you feel accomplished afterwards. I took Blue in for tire rotation, and they checked my fluids and shit for more things to charge me for probably and the guy asked where did I get my oil changes that used the good stuff because he'd like to take his tricked out car there. I look him in the eye and tell him I did the damn oil change. Guys do not expect things like this from me. I loved the look of shock on his face. He said “You can do that?” and I just said there's not much I can't do and winked. He gave me a discount on the rotation and alignment just for being such a “cool ass girl”. The guy actually made it a permanent discount, so I always get 30% off anything, tires, rims, repairs, whatever. Just for being a woman who isn't clueless or helpless. Sucks to not be me. :P

Obviously, Blue is WELL cared for by me. That car will last forever. I also love driving that car, considering since late September I've put...14k miles on it. We recently just ticked over 170k miles on the odometer. I love that damn car. And now some bitch fucked up Blue and is trying to avoid the insurance company. So very angry right now. It's gonna take two or three days to fix Blue according to 2 of the 3 estimates I have, the 3rd one is on Tuesday. I swear, if I have to pay for it, all hell will be breaking loose. This could have been over already. It's been 9 days since she hit me. I have her cell phone number, she's ignoring my calls too. Her beat up black primered retired Crown Vic isn't even worth worrying about. Blue is a clean, sleek, slick looking car, been repainted less than a year before I got it...and now this. I have this grandiose daydream of driving into my new town and to my new school turning heads, Blue in top condition, shining with a fresh wax job and me with my curly hair blowing in the wind and a smile because this school doesn't know what they're in for. Notice I didn't say Blue looking like I'd been playing bumper cars. Can't imagine why I didn't say that, oh right BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT.

I know it seems vain and selfish to get so huffy about what my car looks like. But like I said, that was my first step to getting my old self back, that was my burst of confidence I needed. That car is a symbol of all that, of the beginning of getting my shit in gear. It's like a trophy. You'd probably be pretty pissed of someone took a hammer to a prized trophy. It's like that.

So Blue needs to shine brightly, for me more than anyone else. But Blue needs to shine brightly for other people too, so they take heed. It's taken me quite a few hours to fix everything and get it all straightened out, but because Blue needs to shine, the xenons are returning. :) There's still some wiring to finish and I gotta figure out why the horn was wired to the lights and get that back to where it should be, going to get the same bulbs I had when I bought the car...but they'll be back. Shitty drivers and people on the phone not paying attention and almost hitting me cause my car is so small, that's your only warning. At least until you get hit with light in your eyes and behind you is a small blue car whose front end looks like it's smiling and its engine purring happily and a cute young woman whose front end looks like she's pissed and her engine is cursing your name for being on the fucking phone in an SUV and almost running into her without even noticing.

I totally hadn't intended for this to be all about Blue, guess the other part will be another post. But hey, I write well, it reads smooth and think about what I wrote about, I make everyday shit look interesting.

Because it is. :)

~A.

I haven't been posting very regularly, busy with school is part of it, but I also can't keep a train of thought because I'm not super happy right now. I have a shitload of topics I want to cover that I've noted, and gained more after watching the movie "Adam". But something else is overriding all of that.

Here's the fucking deal. I've been pariahed by just about everyone I know. Because of the fucking seizures. My acquaintances, referred to as such because they're obviously NOT friends, don't want me hanging out with them. Not getting lunch, not going to a movie or a concert, nothing. If I hear "It's nothing personal, but just in case" one more motherfucking time I'm going to lose my shit. I try explaining as long as I eat every couple of hours I'm fine, but no. So my social life has been reduced to me reading, studying and sleeping with my extra time. ALONE.

My mom doesn't want to go shopping with me and doesn't want me to drive. If I'm gone for more than 30 minutes she starts worrying. I got separated from her and our friends both at the street fair and IKEA while we were in Tucson. She worried I'd seized both times. I understand her pelvis is STILL messed up from the accident that happened a year and a half ago and she likes to look at everything, but goddammit I don't want to walk that slow. I like to bypass what doesn't catch my eye and head for things that do. In the IKEA case, it was lights and lamps which then led me to the candles and lucky bamboo where I remained because everyone HAD to pass that section to get out. That and I was totally entranced by bamboo and candles. My mom had asked store employees if they knew of any one having a seizure in the store while she got our friends all worried by being irrational and they started looking for me. Now, my mom knows I am easily distracted by plants (I love bamboo for some reason), lights, and candles (unlit)...but ESPECIALLY fountains. They one of those little water feature fountains set up with bamboo as a display so I was having an autistic moment and fucking around with the fountain just enjoying the sound of the water and watching it fall down the fountain. My mother KNOWS this because I wander off because of it when we go shopping and she gets pissed off. She never looked for me in either of the departments.

My brother doesn't want to go places with me, like anywhere, not even the store, because I might seize. More and more am I becoming a second class citizen that is being pushed out of her circles of people.

Listen the fuck up. Again, as long as I eat, I have about the same chance of seizing AS ANYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET. Hell, any one of them could be the one who seizes. Which I'm starting to wish would happen so they can know what their behavior feels like. Let's see how they like being treated like you're broken or tainted or bad luck or whatever.

That whole "well we're concerned you might seize" is an excuse for shitty behavior. If I hadn't of been shoved into isolation, or if someone would fucking listen to me, MAYBE they would know about the whole blood sugar thing. I always carry something, usually fruit snacks or the fruit roll ups made from just fruit, so that doesn't happen. But I'm still being exiled and treated like less than what I am. Here I am, kicking ass at school, kicking criminal ass in parking lots, made amends with Warren, starting to be social and going out and exploring new things, getting and staying in shape....then THIS to piss on my parade. I'm not any less Aeris than I was before. I'm not some incident waiting to happen. Well, ok, I'm not a seizure incident waiting to happen and fuck up an outing.

You know what's REALLY fucked up? I have only 4 people who stood, and still stand, by me without question, without treating me different, without shunning me. My family in OK, and Warren. All of whom DO NOT LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR ME. So I guess I'm back to being alone, which makes me wonder why I bothered.

My attitude now to all of you in ABQ who no longer see me as an ally and instead choose to ignore me, not listen to me, and pariah me, well...

Fuck you and go have a seizure. Assholes. 

~A.

My mom took me makeup shopping today, she said to make me more "presentable". She's been watching a lot of reality TV fashion/style/makeover type shows, I'm thinking she's projecting on to me. I decided I'll wear the damn makeup, but I'm calling it war paint. That's gonna surprise no one that I'd call it war paint. :P

So I forgot my meds over my long weekend in Tucson, and now my body is all fucked up. It's a lot better today than yesterday though. Except the birth control pills I take so my uterus doesn't try to bleed me out every month are those where you take them for 3 weeks, then off a week to have your period. Well, being off them for 5 days signaled for my estrogen kitchen to start cooking up muff marinara. For the second time in 2 weeks. This sucks.

I saw one of the guys from the Lobos b-ball team today while walking between classes. I gave him a high five. Season's over, but it was one hell of a ride. :)

Just over two weeks and I should hear back from my first choice school and oh my god am I stressing over it.  I'm so hoping I'm good enough, but I don't think I am. :( I'll be glad when this is over, even if it means I'm heartbroken. I'm always heartbroken so nothing new, ha.

I had a bunch of things I wanted to say, but they're all escaping me now that I sat down to write. Argh. So this post ends here I guess.

~A.

Yeesh, it's been  few days since my last post, there's all kinds of shit to say...I'll try and keep this post under control.

Rewind to Thursday. The plan was I go to my doc appointment then me and my mom leave for Tucson right after. Well, I never made it to my doc because I got rear ended on my way there by some ditzy woman from India. So, now Blueshift looks like a beat up mess, BUT this also means the other person has to fix my car. This includes the previous damage on my rear bumper since she superseded that by thoroughly fucking my whole rear bumper. So, despite the fact Blueshift is beat up, I'm not TOO mad because my car gets fixed and I'm not on the hook for it. :P But I did miss my doc appointment and had to reschedule, but that's not a major deal. I'm fine, no injuries. So all in all a "good" thing I got rear ended. I'd joked to my mom about how someone should rear end me so my bumper gets fixed, and lo and behold. :P We left for Tucson once I got done calling both insurance companies.

My weekend in Tucson was fun. I hadn't seen Dan and Bert for a year or so, and they were amazed at how good I look. :) We basically ate and drank all weekend with some shopping here and there. At IKEA I bought some candles that are baby blue, and I also bought four 16 inch length stalks of lucky bamboo, and they are in a vase that has these plastic rocks that are one of the colors of my first choice college I applied to. :) I figured I could use a little luck getting in! My mom bought me some booze, peach vodka, my favorite French Riesling wine, and a French mixed liqueur that's bright pink but really good. Currently sipping on a screwdriver made from the vodka. :P Saturday night, my last night there, we all got drunk and watched Rocky Horror Picture Show. That was wild. I also had an In N Out burger, my first one since I'd left Cali. God those are so good. One of Dan and Bert's dogs, who briefly stayed with us here in ABQ after being rescued and before going to Tucson, latched on to me like stink on shit. He'd go into the bedroom where I was sleeping and try and wake me up to play with him. He's a mini Schnauzer named Lucciano (AKA Lucci) and he just fell in love with me. It was a running joke all weekend. I had a good time in AZ. It was nice to get the hell out of ABQ.

I also checked into U of AZ while there, and they have a cognitive science major for undergrad. I know people there in AZ, another family friend Paul lives in Phoenix, Dan and Bert in Tucson, and a few other people I know from my travels so I'm heavily considering that as my backup school if I don't get into choice #1. Which I'm not really expecting to at this point, I keep comparing myself to other transfer applicants who applied and post on this forum I hang out on, and I don't compare academically. I know they can't touch me on my essays, but those alone won't get me in. Supposedly, 2 weeks from Thursday I will know if I got in or not, the evening of April 8th is the tentative decision date. As you can imagine, I'm so fucking edgy every day closer we get to then.

My mom had surgery on one of her finger joints that was leaking joint fluid and I was the lucky one who had to get up at 5 am to go with her since she couldn't drive home after the anesthesia. I'd spent all day Sunday traveling back from Tucson, got home late evening, had to run errands and get shit together for the week and didn't get to bed till 11 or so. I was TIRED when I got up at 5 am. I'd slept shitty all weekend because I have problems sleeping in unfamiliar places, an issue compounded by sharing a room with my mother who snores very VERY loudly, being cold every night because there wasn't enough blankets, and not being able to sleep in my underwear because my mom was in the room. I came home from class today and slept for a few hours. I needed it. I'm still not caught up on sleep though. It's almost 11 here and I'm kinda tired, this screwdriver is also helping me along that path too, lol.

So, now that I might actually want to be seen in a swimsuit, it's that time of year to start looking for new one since I now do not own a suit that fits. Since I wear a medium/size 8, lots of the cuter, more stylish suits come in my size. The problem being, most of these suits are a little too revealing and not MY style. Obviously girls who wear these just lay by the pool, because you can't swim in these fucking things. I, being the avid swimmer I am, would much prefer something I could swim in without everyone seeing more of me than I'd like to show but also without wearing something that is like swimming in a muumuu. Still looking for something that is very me. I love the warm weather, I want Blue fixed up so I can drive with the top down.

Ok, I'm kinda tipsy, I have a 9:30 am class so I'm going to end this right here since I've covered the major things I wanted to say.

Much love to all of you,

~A.

 Kanye West ft Lupe Fiasco - Touch the Sky. This song is what introduced me to Lupe Fiasco and he's my fav hip hop/rap artist. He doesn't sing about bitches in the club or how street he is by dealing drugs. He does address drugs, but he's a rapper who raps about social issues.

Touch The Sky (edited)


I just found out Lupe did a song for that god damn Twilight bullshit series of movies. And it's so commercialized, now I like the song because it's a hip hop/rock blend, but him doing crap for that sparkly vampire bullshit? I mean, I know he's getting major publicity for his new album by doing it, and I hope that's why he did it instead of selling out. I know sometimes you gotta do crap to get to where you're going, especially in something like the music biz. I'll post my 3 favorite Lupe songs, just cause.

This is one of my favorite Lupe songs because of what it is saying. It's called American Terrorist, and it's basically a commentary on how for very long time white America has been terrorizing the world and even other Americans because of skin color.



So this next song I have a story about, but let me set the song up. People argue what this song is about, most people says AIDS because of all the illness and such references. And they're wrong. Lupe has these songs that personify social issues. The Cool is a gangbanger/crack dealer who got shot and killed but came back as a zombie. All he can do is the same gangster shit he did before, repeating the same phrases and such. A commentary on how trying to chase being "cool" in the streets can fuck up who you are or get you killed. The Game is a personification of drug use and buying/selling, specifically crack.

To get to my point, there's one last personification, The Streets. The ghetto, the hood, poverty, the living conditions, etc. In other words, the way of life in those conditions. She's the wife of The Game, which makes sense. If you're on the streets you're in the game/drugs, if you're in the game/drugs, you're on the streets. So this song, Streets On Fire, is about that. The story I have is me and a friend of mine, who we call Spud, did this song as a duo for a battle of the bands fundraiser for autism research last year. Spud is a white guy, but he can sing, and WELL. Of course he's in college for that so makes sense. I can sing alright, but not like him. Both of us are decent with computer graphics and such. So for our performance, we made this video of The Streets, as a woman and as Lupe describes her and in the background is a ghetto neighborhood that's been left smoldering, no signs of life, the sky is that weird color when you see it through smoke, she's front and center. It looked REALLY good. The video matched up with the song, when "streets are on fire" was sung, The Streets would shoot fire on screen, but it manifested as tissue paper fire on stage in a specific place. (Having friends in theater is nice sometimes. :P) Now, we took everyone off guard, not just with our effects, but our song setup. See, the chorus is sung, then Lupe's rapping for the verses. We did the start of the song, which is sung, like a duo and standing next to each other, even though I was singing more background. So just before when the first verse starts everyone, including our friends, had their eyes on Spud. But *I* step forward a step and rap. Our friends and some other people stood up and there was roaring applause, because holy shit Aeris is rapping, no one was expecting it. So Spud is off to the side during the song to sing, and as I rap I'm moving around dodging the "fire". At the end the chorus is sung 4 times, so what we did was each chorus a wall of "fire" came up, and I was trying to avoid it but get trapped in this square of fire. I hang my head, then there's a puff of smoke where I disappear, but I've just gone off stage. In our video though, you see an animated me held by the throat by The Streets and she's laughing, the idea being she got yet another victim, then she disappears in a burst of animated fire taking me with her.

Very cool, and really only took us like 12 hours total to get the fire, smoke and video done and lined up with the song. We won that shit a few times over, lol. Each award you got was a donation to a charity of your choice, and ours was autism research of course. 1st place, 2nd place etc in each category, i.e. hip hop duo, acoustic solo, acoustic group, etc. had a certain amount of money that would get donated to your charity, the better you did, the more you got and it was paid for by the entry fees and admission fees. We won our category hip hop duo, we won all the best of awards that applied to any category, we won best of show too. We racked up like 2k for our charity. Plus the whole social commentary hip hop, and the fact I was rapping and do so better than I sing I think made the whole event wild. I lost the video we made on a HD that died not 2 months after buying it. :( Ah well, you get the idea. Here's the song:



Last song is about child soldiers. All that really needs to be said.





I took this pic on campus on some time ago, and forgot I had it. While cleaning out my Droid pics, I found it and it resonated with me just like it had before.

I'm not sure if it was intended as a political message, a comment about anarchy maybe, or whatever. It hit a personal chord with me. Mostly because it reminded me I learned that lesson over the past year or so. The only thing stopping me was me, and all because I had this mindset of what I could and could not do. Or even who I could or could not be. As soon as I realized that was horseshit, I took off like a rocket. The hardest, but most important, idea I had to break myself of was that depression is something that's your fault and your problem. That you have to keep it to yourself and suffer alone because no one wants to be burdened with your bullshit. The fuck was I thinking? Previously, I'd requested Wellbutrin as an antidepressant but got put on Celexa because the doc said I didn't really want Wellbutrin. Yeah, that didn't end well. I wound up suicidal off and on and quit Celexa and that doc after maybe 3 months.

April 2nd, 2009. The date is seared into my mind because my life and my self changed that day. I walked into the student health center on campus because I was really struggling, it was my first semester at UNM, I wasn't doing so hot in classes, finals were coming up and I was panicked, and I was mired in the worst depression of my life. So I went in and talked to Dr. Williams, who got it, and got me, right off the bat. I asked for Wellbutrin, and got it. I also made an appointment with my PCP, Dr. Mpoy, who is this charming and entertaining black guy from Africa. I love Dr. Mpoy appointments because they're fun.

Anyways, Wellbutrin did it. SSRIs never did anything good for me, but Wellbutrin works on dopamine to correct a dopamine imbalance. For months I HATED myself for not insisting on it sooner. In about a week it was a brand new me, I was sincerely happy and motivated. I tried to correct as much as I could of my grades, because previously I just felt like giving up, like I couldn't do it. The doc said give it 2 weeks to work, but it worked just about right away, however I gave myself 2 weeks to adjust before making any other life changes. Besides, 2 weeks would be 4/16, and I do like the number 4 :P.

I've never talked about this much here besides maybe vague references. It's, well, personal. It's one of those sorta taboo subjects no one likes to talk about because everyone is sensitive about it. I'm referring to my weight. Depression is a motherfucker. See, my depression was caused by dopamine issues. Guess what stimulates dopamine? Eating. But by doing that you gain weight because you have to eat a lot and often to get a decent effect. My weight was a direct reflection of my battle with depression. I was LOSING. I also was just hurting myself and self destructing. My highest weight was 251. I did NOT wear it well. I was pretty self conscious and extremely self loathing. I weighed 250 on April 2nd. I focused on classes and letting myself get used to the meds for 2 weeks, and told myself to not weigh myself during that time. To just focus on feeling better and getting my shit on lock. On April 16th, 2009, I started an Excel spreadsheet to track my weight, and I decided to start a jog/walk program along with having my personal trainer. I weighed in at 231.9. 18 pounds in 2 weeks. I was encouraged. I hadn't even started working out yet! I was just eating less and was so much more active. Also the Wellbutrin leaves a vile taste in my mouth that took some getting used to so I was eating really lightly there for a while cause otherwise food + that taste = the pukes.

Yesterday was 11 months since I started. Because of the template I used, there's 4 spreadsheets currently. I will hit my one year on my 4th spreadsheet (I like that). There's 5 columns, date, my weight that day, the prediction of what my weight would be based on average loss so far, how much I lost each day, and total loss/gain so far based on the values on just that spreadsheet. I weighed myself every fucking day. I set a goal of 200 pounds by my 26th birthday. I hit 204.9. Close! For all kinds of reasons, like my knees most importantly, I told myself I wouldn't start hardcore running till I hit 180. I did jog/walk still to build up strength though. First day of class last semester was 194.9. Once I got under 200 the loss slowed down a bit. Which was fine and probably best since I had less reserves to use.

I hit 180, 180.3 actually, on October 12th. However, I didn't start running then because Warren and I were having a month long blowout and between that and classes I just didn't have it in me. Didn't care to a large degree. October 15th, Warren and I stopped speaking, he even changed his phone number kind of not speaking. I was completely destroyed. My grades had been sliding, and I had all Cs at the time, which was just about midterms. For those of you who are observant, my running blog started two days later on the 17th. I needed a coping mechanism. It used to be food. I decided this time it would be running, specifically marathon training.

I slowly built up my running strength, and when I started running I felt better mentally. That next Monday I threw myself into running and getting my grades back up. I needed the distractions, but I also needed to keep going. This Aeris doesn't quit. I brought my grades up, ended the semester with a 3.75. Began the new year 164 pounds. Faster and stronger. Smarter. My confidence was obnoxious. But I could back it up. I could run about 15 miles in one stretch with not a lot of issue. Was running about 40-50 miles a WEEK. Still missed Warren. Asshole.

As I lost the weight I started being more social, went to basketball games, got involved on campus, etc. Also started getting A LOT of attention from guys. Confidence got even more ridiculous. But, again, I could back it up. :) Dressed cute but comfortable. Took better care of me all around.

The past 11 months have been wild. I went from an overweight, anti-social girl who struggled to maintain a 3.0 and was still changing majors all the time, to well, Aeris. What Aeris should have been all along. 3.75 GPA last semester, social, outgoing, looking damn fine thank you, knows exactly what she wants to do in life and is headed there like a bullet train, 6x honors, drives a cute car and has a cool phone, has completely reconciled with all of her family especially her brother and dad who are now two of her loudest cheerleaders, makes one hell of a ninja in her running gear, beats bad guys senseless, and smiles quite often, mostly to herself or for no reason in particular. My life, although I have my struggles, is pretty enviable. Even just parts of it are, grades, weight loss, car and so on. But that I got all of that and then some, man, I feel lucky as fuck. A year ago I was EIGHTEEN INCHES bigger around on my torso. Holy shit.

I'm glad I did all the strength training I did to build up my upper body strength and hell lost the weight and got faster movement and reflex-wise. That whole scene with the burglar could have gone a lot worse and I not have much chance. The fact there was two grown ass men who probably could have taken me down, but once I laid into one the other one ran like a bitch, that makes me smile. I'm strong now. Strong enough to scare a career criminal into running away from me. Probably all the other fighting I got myself into helped too. I mean, I got a quarter sized bruise, this guy who was a stocky and a well built grown ass man who is a career criminal, got a broken jaw, 2 black eyes, 4 missing teeth and a few other teeth broken, nose broken, a few swift kicks to the balls from a girl who has rather large leg muscles from running and various other bruises. The fact I HAVE that kind of strength now impresses me. The fact that in a bad situation I came out on top because of it impresses me. I impress myself with my physical strength as well as my mental strength. My brother still high fives me about it and jokes about it. Like he was in the way when I was trying to open the fridge and he said "I'm so sorry please don't hit me!". My brother could probably beat my ass, but I'm glad we're on the same team. It's nice he, without saying it directly, compliments me on being strong and smart. About a year ago he hated me and told me he didn't want me here in ABQ. Now we're close friends like when we were kids.

I've come so far in just a year, hell under a year. There's a reason the white shirt I wear over my running gear says "She's A Fighter".

Cause I'm badass. I don't even think I need to prove it anymore. :)

~A.