Primordial Chaos

So I went on a hot air balloon ride with Cy. I took a lot of pics. I forgot about said pics until cleaning out Alexandroid today. So here is a BUNCH of pics, this will load like ass for damn near anyone. Except me, I have Fios. :P

Before we get to the balloon pics, Car Farm! (I was tarded and forgot to change my white balance, so it's blue as hell.)

Now, this balloon is special to me. One morning, god, August or so, I was running errands before class. They had this one getting ready for take off, so I took a pic and sent it to Warren. So it kinda became "our" balloon. It landed on my street once, in my Balloon Fiesta pics I have pics of it, it was always associated with Warren. Now, when he and I stopped speaking, I stopped seeing this balloon. He and I start speaking again, and the next time I see the balloon I'm going to be riding the damn thing. Can't get much closer than that!

Filling up the balloon:




Just before and just after take-off! I love the happy face on the top of the balloon, I didn't know it was there till then. Warren's always doing a wink and a smile, so it was appropriate. :P



And off we go! We flew mostly over the Rio Grande.




And of course, the grand fucking finale.....

Oasis song.


So I went and reread my essays and I FOUND A MISTAKE. Only this one mistake, but now I'm all oh my god about it. I'm really surprised I didn't catch this because it is something I just don't do. I think it got put in when I had people review it for punctuation errors since I had 3 people look at it.

Here's the deal, the only time I don't like using a comma is in a list, such as "My voice comes through clearly when I write, as does my style of thinking, my wit, my curiosity, my humor and my true personality." (Quoted straight from my essay.) Notice I do not use a comma before the and. This is completely correct, and merely a style choice, though MLA and APA want that damn comma according to their official rules, but I usually drop it off anyways in academic writing and no one catches it. Another quote from the same essay, this quote has the error: "Having an intense love of reading, an insatiable curiosity, and well-developed writing skills has been advantageous in college." The god damn comma is there and it's an inconsistency in style error. It's not THAT big of a deal, and in all reality either way is right. I just don't like inconsistency.

Like Warren. He said he's never going to read my blog again (don't ask, he's being drama) so I am going to take cheap shots at him every chance I get and see just how true never is. He also said he was never going to speak to me again and that he'd never love me. His nevers are like 3 months. Always about one month. A week or two is two days max. A couple of days is usually about 12 hours. In theory, I should be able to write about my transfer apps here and he not know a damn thing about them. But since I think this is complete horseshit, I won't cause he's gonna fucking read this. He can't resist. He googles me every so often to see what I'm up to. He was keeping tabs on me and reading my blog/twitter during his I never (3 months) want to hear from you again phase. In all honesty, I was keeping tabs on him too. He makes it easy with his rather unique online nickname, that and I had Jess keeping tabs on him with this nifty program he coded just for that. Warren and I have issues about each other. Since we both know the other does this, we put messages only we would get online where we know the other person is most likely to look. I do this on twitter and here. Interestingly enough, I went to using blatant messages to him once I knew for sure he was reading this. Now that he's "gone", back to my secret code. :P He stopped using AIM, so my messages there are worthless. :(

Two weeks till selection Sunday. 5-6 weeks after that is decisions. However....

SHITLOADS OF BASKETBALL IN BETWEEN! :D

~A.

Craig David - Fill Me In


Oh, Butter, how you amaze me. Better known as Darington Hobson, he's the Lobos not so secret weapon. He got the nickname Butter because some guys were joshing him about how his game is so smooth and he is tall and light skinned like a stick of butter, and the name stuck. He leads the team in average points scored and rebounds. But the kid is a true team player and also leads the team in assists. Watching any game, you can see that even if he gets a great chance to show off or score, he'll share the damn ball with the rest of the team more often than not. That's probably my favorite thing about him, he could ball hog all he wanted, but he doesn't. He has a lot of confidence not only in himself but in his teammates. He took a long and hard road to get to UNM, and when he got here and got to his room, he just broke down and cried for a couple of hours because he was THAT happy to be here. (I break down and cry for a couple of hours because I'm that UNHAPPY to be here. :P) And damn if ABQ isn't happy to have him here, The Pit goes wild about him and he loves it. He's started showing off and performing a bit during home games because he just fucking loves his fans and wants them to have a good time. But in person he is REALLY down to earth, not egotistical, and credits his teammates, including the Ro Show AKA Roman Martinez, for helping him improve and play not just basketball, but LOBOS basketball. This is my favorite moment of him:


And The Pit goes fucking batshit moreso than usual. :P I remember one game we were struggling (damn it's almost like every game lately, jesus) and The Pit wasn't really into it, not a lot of people standing and cheering. Hobson, in the middle of play, uses his arms to signal everyone to get the hell up and do what The Pit does best, and most of The Pit jumps up and gets to cheering to boost morale. He said later on he and the rest of the team really needed the crowd that game, and we wound up winning. :) He gets EVERYONE involved in the game, from teammates to the crowd, and he's just an amazing player overall. I like this kid, here is a fantastic player without a massive fucking ego who loves the game.

To speak of a former Lobo who had a massive fucking ego and I wanted to slap, JR Giddens. Hobson was compared to JR a lot at the beginning of the season, but Hobson is a class act. JR is not. Besides shoplifting from Walmart and starting bar fights that result in his getting fucking stabbed, he has an ego that makes me look modest. Strangely, JR and my brother used to play for the same AAU team in Oklahoma, so I've had my fair share of interactions with the little shit, and he was a brat back when he 14 or so and insulting as all hell to me. Even weirder is my brother was at UNM the same time JR was out of coincidence, and Jess never liked JR in the first place. But JR had some "thing" for Jess and was always trying to hang out with him, tracked down Jess a couple of times on campus and Jess said it was just fucking creepy. JR used to look up to Jess, not just literally but about basketball, and still did at the time. Always wanted to reminisce about them playing together. I remember my brother swearing about it. Now he's a pine rider for the Celtics, and sullying my lucky number 4 with his 4 jersey. Apparently they kicked his ass to the D-league for a while then recalled him. This makes me laugh.  They should kick him back so someone who I don't want to kick in the groin can wear #4. JR is still talked about here in ABQ and at UNM, which is bleh. That's time that should be spent talking about Butter and Ro, not wasting breath. :P

Despite Jess' departure and distancing himself away from basketball, he's been watching Lobos games with me. He usually just yells about what the Lobos are doing wrong, though he'll grudgingly say that was a pretty good play every so often. Jess damn amazes me with his insight and how much he still knows about bball. In high school, he was on varsity as a freshman, I was a junior saxophone player in band. The band would play at home bball games and I always volunteered to go, mostly to see Jess play cause that's my motherfucking brother making varsity as a freshman and kicking ass thank you very fucking much. And now Jess is a programmer for Sandia National Labs, makes 92k a year, hates his job because he was supposed to be programming for satellites but they have him cleaning up other people's messes and rewriting code for mundane shit, and frighteningly, even though he's had his master's about 2 months and has worked in his current position for that long, he's now somebody's MENTOR. Something he did not sign up for and does not want. So now Jess has to come up with shit for this kid to do and basically spend time and socialize with this guy. He hates this. Of course, because he's now a project lead and makes most of the damn decisions on his projects, he also started showing up on the list of people who should mentor. He can be a turd, but I'm proud of Jess. He's proud of me too. A year ago we hated we each other. Now he stays up if I come home late to make sure I'm ok and to talk before bed, we're always talking to each other about random shit, though code is probably our most frequent topic and one of his favorite things to do is make me laugh, bonus points if it's while drinking something.

Ha, I haven't yet talked about myself this post! I sure had lots to say about other people though. :) It's my turn though.

My sense of loyalty is god damn sabotaging me. UNM has thrown all kinds of cool opportunities at me, just racked up my 6th honor, basketball (nuff said)...I feel a strong sense of loyalty to UNM. Hell, I'm front and center in the giant poster of UNM's birthday celebration they had last spring, a poster that's posted smack in the middle of the student union. I have 2 UNM/Lobos shirts, my red hoodie, 2 hats, basketball shorts, 4 pairs of UNM socks, not to mention all the cherry red gear I got to match with that stuff, like my red Converse. I am entrenched in this shit. My friends are here, family, I know the city really well, hate the dry climate but eh...but I'm still missing what I need. I'm currently Psychology/Computer Science major. However, all the artificial intelligence and other such classes the CS dept DOES offer DON'T count except as electives, which I don't need. My Psych classes are all theories and treatments for this disorder or that, not really my field. I'm not happy with this. I've been reading books and such from other universities' undergrad cognitive science programs. I'm missing out on SO FUCKING MUCH. I'm absolutely not being prepared to go head first into my field for grad school. And it's my end goal that, in the long run, matters so much. I don't want to have to get to grad school and then fucking backtrack to undergrad stuff before I can start on the real shit. Waste of money and time. If I stay at UNM, I'd be happy in the short term, but regretful in the long term. If I leave, I'd be much happier in the long term, but kinda depressed in the short term. However, I think I'll find a school that gives me at least most of what I want and need, and hell, most of my honors transfer. I'm sure I could get into another school's university and departmental honors programs. But I don't care WHERE I go, hell they could be whoever wins the national title this year or something, I'll still be a Lobos fan and I'll definitely plan my visits back to ABQ when there's a home game. :P My point being that I'm really kind of torn over this. Impulsive says stay, long term rational says go. It's not as easy as I swore it would be, and the closer we get to decision time, the more and more I start to feel my split loyalties, which is really the problem. I'm loyal to my dreams, but I've racked up some loyalty to UNM too. Loyal to a fault, always will be.


I realized in the past couple of days, I keep talking about my field, and I mention cognitive science, but I haven't really defined what exactly I'm into. Hopefully I can somewhat explain it. My specific area of interest is affective computing. Not effective, but affective. :P Basically, it's artificial intelligence that can detect/interpret/empathize human emotions and/or replicate human emotions. The irony of me going into something dealing with emotions is not lost on me. Anyways, it's a hybrid field of psychology, computer science, AND cognitive science. Holy fucking shit that was made for me, lol. Artificial emotional intelligence is another way to say it. I know I said I was going into autism research, so let me make the bridge before people get lost. One of the latest ideas is using technology to teach autistic people social skills, how to recognize body language and emotions in other people, how what they do affects others' emotions, etc. Kind of hard things to learn without interacting with people. Oh right, autistic people aren't really fans of that. But if we use artificial intelligence/robots to do the same thing, there's not the whole issue with uncomfortable interpersonal communications or even in a controlled settings using a real human being such as a therapist. The current method is to have a therapist, through their actions, teach different facial expressions or tone of voice. The problem here is 1) interpersonal communication and 2) these emotional actions have to be exaggerated to make the initial point. Overemphasized smiles, excessive melancholy tone of voice, etc. What gets learned is the exaggerated expression, and not all the nuanced and subtle ways an emotion is expressed. So if you're not grinning like a clown, then they won't know if you're happy or something else. That's how I learned, and I learned (and am still learning...) the nuances and such through fucking shit up with other people. I don't recommend it. With AI, it could be taught repeatedly over and over with the nuances and details without the worry of upsetting another human being or the exaggerated examples.

The technology exists, but it is young, not even as advanced as Data from Star Trek who couldn't recognize a lot of the nuances of interpersonal behavior. So even the technology can be improved, but also ways to implement or apply this AI are out there to be discovered too. Super cutting edge kind of field right along with cognitive science.

So that's my area of interest and curiosity, which I think is pretty cool. Making Star Trek references is not. :P

~A.

So, after crybabying and lurking in my room all evening, after I made the previous post I felt better and got up to eat something since I hadn't eaten all day. I received a letter that REALLY cheered up my mood:

 Bow Wow and T-Pain - Outta My System



A few months ago my doctor put me on birth control (I already have an IUD) because I was becoming anemic once a month due to my period and it was causing some vitamin deficiencies, serious fatigue and concentration issues and was just generally god damn miserable. My only issue now is my biotin level is quite a bit lower than previously, but I had been taking large amounts of biotin supplements to speed up hair growth, something I have since stopped, meaning that's accounted for. So, everything is good, I'm not bleeding half to death once a month, bloodwork is great, etc.

Except now I get HORRIBLY HORMONAL during my period. And I mean horribly. I can't take ANYTHING well, my moods swing like I'm bipolar and I've noticed this is also the same time I get realllllllllllly irrational and upset about dumb shit. I mention this because that's exactly where I am now, and I fucking hate it. I also mention this as a SEVERE WARNING everything I'm about to write about stems from that mindset, however because it is clogging up my neural pathways and causing my already disturbed limbic system (part of the brain involved with emotion) to become completely disrupted, it's gotta come out and this IS my mental toilet so it's going here. Besides, nothing quite counts as pure shit like these thoughts anyways. I'm struggling with myself over this bullshit and keeping it to myself is basically torturing me. I'm so serious, do not read on if you worry about me easily or your name is Warren. I'm fine, I see this crap is irrational, but that doesn't make it go away. Neither will this, but it won't be hijacking my fucking mind either.

I'm emotionally sensitive. Always have been, always will be. I often refer to myself as glass-hearted. I feel things much more strongly than others. I fucking hate this. I hate being a softie and I see this as a major weakness in regards to who Aeris is. Other people can be emotionally sensitive and it works for them. I don't fucking understand my emotions in the first place and to have them run the extremes is completely frustrating to me. I generally withdraw from others in a severe way when I feel like I do now, which is excessively sensitive because I'm hormonal. But to do shit differently, I'm going to admit how I feel and what I'm thinking TO other people and NOT withdraw from others, although I know the rafts of shit I'll get from a few individuals. I'll deal with those as they come, I'm not going to fucking deny shit to make other people happy.

This is me facing one of the more unpleasant aspects of myself instead of running away. This is me as I feel RIGHT NOW, regardless of my cognizance that these trains of thought are self-destructive and useless. I still feel like this and am thinking these things, and regardless of the rational (or lack thereof) that they stem from, this is still my current state. I don't like this and even as I write this I am thinking of doing what I always do, go into hiding until it passes and torment myself with fucked up thoughts.

The thing about fucked up thoughts is simple. They're like spit. Spit's totally cool when it's in your mouth, but to spit in a cup and think about drinking it is just fucking gross. But you don't realize it's gross until it comes out. You don't realize how off base fucked up thoughts are until you take them out of your head and then look at them. That's my goal here. Instead of internalizing the horrible ways I feel, I'll spit them out, so to speak, and see why they're meritless. Everyone who reads this is just coming along for the ride, unless you listened to me if you fall into the 2 categories of people I told to NOT READ THIS. If you're reading it anyways, note that going beyond this point I am not responsible for your reaction and don't want to hear any bullshit about offending you or you're concerned I've gone an unhealthy type of crazy or you think I'm psychotically depressed or whatever. I'm just fucking hormonal and all of this will pass within a few days unless you bring me some drama or bullshit about it. I mean this so seriously I'd prefer you not test me about it, though I can name 2 who will. If you read this and part of it upsets you or causes you concern, fuck you I told you not to you moron. End of last warning. I am fairly sure these are super extreme versions of doubts I have about myself and insecurities I do have. But these versions are fucking horrible.

So, I'm beating myself up over all kinds of shit. First of all, I'm completely convinced I did terrible on my tests and papers. I already know I got an 88 on one of my tests, and it was the hardest one. I also already know from class discussion and being told by professors that all of my papers were on point and even "explored beyond the obvious creatively but logically" (quote from a prof). However, I'm still convinced I did terrible on my papers and tests. I never said I had to make sense. I'm so upset by how "terrible" I did I had thoughts that I have no business being in school, I'm not as smart as I think I am, I'll never reach my goals, I should just leave school because I'm a fucking moron....you get the idea. These are just thoughts and I'm aware enough to see they're ridiculous, but that doesn't change the emotional aspect I feel. I am tearing myself up over this crap.

Also along academic lines I'm completely convinced I won't get into any of the schools I applied for that are somewhat hard to get into. I think I'm a fucking moron right now and can't imagine why a college would want me. Again, I'm convinced I bombed my papers, so I'm also convinced I can't write for dog shit and that the essays I think are so stellar are actually more along the lines of the worst shit I've ever written. Also brutalizing myself over my GPA. I think because it's so "low" (3.46) that this also indicates I'm a fucking idiot. For some reason I think I'd need a 3.7 or higher for anyone to even bother considering me. Despite my transcript CLEARLY showing my GPA skyrocketing from Spring to Fall, and despite that Spring semester being the one bringing down my GPA, important to note because that was also my first semester in this sort of academic environment and adjusting was difficult, despite I pulled a fucking 3.75 last semester, despite honors out of my ass, I still think I'm a fucking moron and no college would take a second look, and possibly not even a first, at me. Cognitively, again, I see it's bullshit. Emotionally, I can't.

I gained 2 pounds, all of which is most likely water bloat from my period, and I'm beating myself up that I'm turning into a lardass again, that I'm completely unattractive, that hey look once again I get something right by losing weight and now I'm screwing it up, probably because I AM a screw up. I've also been running less, simply because with all those papers and tests I didn't have time to do a bunch of running, and now I'm convinced I'm a quitter, I can't stick with anything, and it's more proof I'm a screw up.

Even better, I keep having thoughts that even though I have a strong cognizance none of this is true, that's just my arrogance and ego talking and the whole reason I feel bad is because there's truth to it. God, those are awful moments. I've found putting my headphones on and listening to music ends those thoughts really fucking quick, thank god.

Now this section, this is the worst part for me, the most distressing and upsetting. The others I can fight through and deal with one way or another. When THESE thoughts start, I'm under a blanket being hysterical for about 15 mins. I haven't found a way to get through these quickly and rationally. Mostly because I really have no cognizance to the contrary and even not hormonal I believe there's some truth to these. I'm not saying I'm right, I'm saying these are the fucking toughest for those 2 reasons AND because they concern my Achilles' heel, Warren. (I know you didn't listen to me and you're reading this, and I'm seriously telling you you shouldn't read any further or you'll be pissed off at me.)

(You didn't listen, did you? Stubborn ass.)

Heh, I didn't realize this shit would be so hard to admit. Even though this isn't my constant mindset, it's really hard that I think like this at all, ever, for any reason. I keep hesitating on just writing it, but internalizing it isn't good because it gets worse. But admitting it kinda sucks too. I'm so confident and secure usually and most people see me that way, to reveal myself in a state very much not so isn't easy. I'm not proud of these thoughts and I don't like them. However, they exist currently in their extremist state. *sigh* One day I'll accept I'm a flawed human being and that's ok. Today, I just get to reveal doubts turned into demons. I'm stalling myself, so here goes.

Alright. My situation with Warren is COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. Especially on my end, because I'm insecure and crazy, basically. I also get the shitty end of the stick, and my ego totally doesn't like this. Throw in some hormones and this just fucking sucks. We're best friends, and that's an absolute. We can't be without each other, another absolute. I'm consumed with envy and jealousy, yet another absolute (only slightly tongue in cheek). Here's the (shitty) deal (*note, all perspectives from me are from hormonal me, and are NOT my general feelings, though based on them and/or doubts I have). I'm in love with my best friend. Despite my delusions otherwise, not a two way street. Throw in he's dating someone and I feel like shit, like I'm gonna throw up out of distress kind of feeling like shit. What are my options? Have him in my life or not. I keep him in, I feel upset and sad because I'm not "it" and start doubting every fucking aspect of myself and what is "wrong" with me, why am I defective to the point of unsuitable. I toss him out, I feel sad and upset I don't have him in my life and that by tossing him out I HURT him. Therefore, I just wind up feeling conflicted. It SUCKS. It just fucking straight sucks. I also just feel insecure, something increased by orders of magnitude by my feeling insecure about the aforementioned bullshit. This does not brew happy thoughts, and small things become sources of distress. For example, let's take one I'm going through as I fucking write this. If I don't hear from him for hours at a time during the evening, I assume why the fuck would he think of me since he's probably out having fun with (AKA fucking) someone else. To really fuck my own head up, I also think well, because I get so emotional/jealous/insecure at certain times that usually correspond to my crotch bleeding, why the fuck would he ever want to deal with that regularly, at least now he can shut me out and have someone he does want to spend time with. Which makes me more emotional/jealous/insecure. Awesome. So I somehow, and I'll even admit I'm doing exceptionally poorly, have to fight through those feelings of wanting to kick him out of my life and yet somehow be ok with him not wanting me the same way I want him. I can't fall out of love with him. Tried. Often and many times under different circumstances. I just straight love him and always will. Another absolute. I don't want anyone else, I can't think of anyone else, I don't need anyone else. But I want, think of and need him. I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to just go with things and not get wrapped up like this, but when I get to feeling heartbroken, sometimes I just have to fake being cool with everything and go hurt when we're not interacting. Like right now I'm completely heartbroken. Just feel sick and hurt in ways I can't explain. Tears me apart and completely puts me out of badass commission. I've been laying in bed for almost SIX HOURS at this point, just feeling awful and trying to keep my shit together and read for class, but doing more crying and napping instead. I tend to sleep A LOT when I'm distressed. My brain is just like, alright, you need to be unconscious for a bit and try to sleep some time away. When I get test anxiety I get drowsy too.

Anyways, my point being that I'm so lost, so confused....and probably so in denial about the situation when I don't have estrogen poisoning. When I DO have estrogen poisoning, I become very aware of my situation start a dead run towards mindfucking myself unhappy. I HATE HATE HATE myself for all of this. I hate myself for not being able to get a grip, I hate myself for not being able to change how I feel, I hate myself for obsessively thinking about this shit, I hate myself for not being a bigger person. I feel trapped, I feel like I can't win and won't ever win, and what the fuck was I smoking to think he'd want me that way or ever be with me. I don't know what to do, I just goddamn don't. I don't even understand what the hell is going on or how I feel. I don't understand why getting so hormonal makes me take my doubts and insecurities to fucking extremes and hurt myself over them. I feel like I don't understand anything!!!! I'm so frustrated with myself!!!!

You know, if I didn't know I was smart, if I didn't know I could write, if I didn't know what kinds of students I'm competing against with college apps, if I didn't know how he really feels, I could lie to myself or I could just be completely unaware.

Ignorance is bliss. And I'm fucking miserable. Cramps and mood swings don't make good company with misery.

~A.

I totally lazied out of a title and just took lyrics out of the previous post's title song. Musiq - Special. It's been a long week, hell I haven't even posted in 3 days.


Speaking of this week, so far it sucks. I think I did awful on my tests, my papers weren't really what I wanted, but I had to work within certain confines and to add insult to injury, they're saying the accident was MY fault. So now I'm on the hook for 1200 bucks in repairs to Blue. Pissed doesn't even begin to describe it. I fucking hate insurance companies, they seriously have no desire to pay for anything, but love to take your money. Anyways, I apparently can't appeal either, so instead of being upset about it, I decided to get a part time job as a tutor to pay for it. I figure the experience will be useful and it'll just be another way I'm fostering independence. That's how I'm lying to myself, so don't ruin it for me by saying otherwise. :P Besides, the guy who owned Blue before me had him (my car is a him, just go with it) repainted, but it wasn't a great job, there's paint all over my side mirrors and rear glass, the paint has bubbled and obtained an "orange peel" texture in some places. There's also no clearcoat whatsoever, which means in the desert sun that shit will not last. So I'll get Blue repainted RIGHT while I'm at it. I sank 2300 into getting anything that was close to, needed to or I wanted repaired/replaced, so Blue just needs some cosmetic shit and tires. Specifically Bridgestone Potenza Pole Position all season ultra high performance tires in size 14 inch. :)

My mom said "when the fuck did you get to be so sensible and rational?". Right after I realized I waste too much time getting hung up on stupid shit. If shit doesn't go my way, then I can MAKE it go my way. Only me can stop me.

Well, not true. Warren can stop me. Only because he knows me well enough to influence me. As he said last night, he knows how to make me blush, make me smile, make me laugh, how to piss me all the way off and not only calm me down, but he's the only one who can get me out of my tree. He also knows if he pisses me off and then fucks off for about 12 hours, I'll start to miss him so much I won't be mad anymore. He's got my number and isn't letting it go anytime soon. We were on the phone last night, and during a pause he said "say it". At first I was confused and asked what it was he wanted me to say. He insisted again "say it" and this time I had a good idea of what he was getting at. But I dislike assuming, so I asked again what he wanted. He said "Tell me you love me". I replied, simply, "I love you". I heard him smile, he makes this soft noise when he smiles, and he said "I love you too". It seems so simple, but little things like that make me happy. He wanted to hear me tell him I love him, and knowing him, he wanted to say it to me too. Means a lot to me, and he knows it.

We're bound together by something bigger than both of us, and we're bound forever. It is just natural to us that's how things are. And I think you could pick almost any category and we'd be each other's first choice with no hesitation. Who's your best friend? Who is it that you love? Who gets under your skin the most? Who makes you laugh all the time? Who do you think of most often when you wake up? He told me recently that more often than not I'm the first thing on his mind when he wakes up. That made me grin. He's usually the first thing on my mind. <3 And usually mentioned in my blog too. :P He says it's cute when I write about him. Probably because it lets his ego know how much he has permeated my consciousness. :P

I'm really curious as to where we're going. He doesn't know either. I don't mention it with him anymore, but it's usually brewing somewhere in the back of my mind. I'm pretty sure he knows everything that lurks back there anyways. Besides, I'd just get the "now is not the time for that conversation" talk. Which it probably isn't, but still I wonder. Despite the whole distance thing (ugh), I feel safe with him around. I know he's protective of me (won't admit how much, but I already know) and that he is looking out for me. He worries about me more than he'll admit too. Come to think of it, he doesn't admit much, but it is still understood and known. Some things don't NEED to be said. But he always says what needs to be said. Which isn't always what I want him to say. :P He doesn't pander to me much. I like that. Despite my sulking, I trust his judgment. More often than not I'm sulking because I somehow got it wrong, not because I didn't hear what I wanted. Besides, once we're on the phone with each other we CAN'T be mad at each other. So we'll be immature sometimes and avoid each other's calls because we know if we answer we won't be mad anymore and we're holding out for being "right". What we don't always realize is we're BOTH usually right and are seeing things two different but valid ways.

I'm in a weird position with him, well weird for me. He is my best friend and usually my first line for advice. But I've been keeping even him out of the whole transfer colleges loop, and I kinda feel crappy for it. He knows me well enough to know if a school is a good choice or bad choice for me, would I like the weather, environment, stuff to do, etc. But I feel so beaten up by other people that I don't know if I would handle even his criticism, and he's bound to have some, very well at all. As it is now the slightest thing upsets me. I have one last set of transcripts in an envelope, postage paid already. I think I'll ask him where to throw it off to. I want him in on this in some way, and I think having him pick somewhere is a great way to do it. His judgment in regards to me tends to be spot on and his opinion and ideas are invaluable to me. Of course, he's gonna fucking hate this idea and refuse just to drive me crazy. :P

When we get on the phone I noticed how both of our voices perk up when we hear the other's. We get really happy to hear from each other. Shit, I wish everyone was as happy to hear from me. :P We'd probably light up even more if the other walked into the same room. Hell, we'd fucking piss ourselves with joy to have the other walk into the same room right now :P (fucking distance).  He even keeps up with the Lobos! Gotta have a team in the Big Dance to root for, since his team...sucks on a good day. I give him a hard time, but I love that boy. :)

Speaking of Lobos, #10 team in the nation! Selection Sunday is March 14th, about 2 and a half weeks away! I'm curious as how we'll be seeded. Current predictions are a #3 seed, which is pretty badass. You can bet your ass I'll have my bracket ready to go. Can't imagine what team I might have a bias for...

I guess all in all everything is going well, I'm just off my game the past two weeks or something. Sucks, but it'll get better from here.

As will I. :)

~A.

Argh. I hate when professors screw up on the syllabus, and two of them did this and confused me. They put Tuesday, February 24th as the due date for two of my papers. Tuesday is the 23rd. They just kept saying the 24th in class, so I assumed they meant Wednesday. Hell no, they meant Tuesday so the revising I was going to do Tuesday as not to stress myself out anymore I'll be doing tonight. Test and 1 paper due tomorrow, 2 tests and 2 papers due Tuesday. Ugh. I was so hoping I could worry about 2 of the papers after my tests were done but no. I'd do it tomorrow night, but with 2 fucking tests the next day I'd rather review the material for those. I am just glad I can crank out top quality papers without much effort. If I couldn't write, this would be the ultimate academic hell.


So I've been up since 7 am studying, reading and writing. I JUST NOW took a break to take a shower, that was at 3 pm. I've been holed up in my room for 8 hours straight, just sitting at my desk immersing myself in getting everything done. I only took a break because I felt close to burn out, and once I hit that I won't learn shit no matter how hard I study. Gonna go for a drive in a bit, just to get out of the house. But it'll be right back to the grind afterwards.


The first two application deadlines I have are March 1st and 5th. I've already got everything completed and sent off for those, so no stress. Except I realize that's when they start reviewing the applications, and I'm all spazzed out about what they'll think of me. One of them didn't have an essay part to the app, and I'm worried about that one because you get the best idea of me, if you have to choose one medium, from what I write. I wrote a couple of stunner essays for one school, the others I've had to write are good, but I hold the most pride in those two essays. The last lines on both REALLY leave a hell of an impression, and I have an interesting tendency to end everything I write on a really striking comment. I do this on my blog posts too, something I didn't notice till recently. Anyways, I'm really proud of those 2 essays, and I go re-read them about once a week. There's some seriously killer sentences in them. :P I think my favorite line out of both of them is "Using written words, what I see, think and feel manifests in the minds of others with a clarity that actuates my world into their eyes". I generally hate everything I write, but holy shit that's so fucking genius. I never cease to be impressed by that sentence. Maybe that's arrogant, but I'd like to see the self chosen best sentences from other app essays. I'm like MC Hammer, you can't touch this. :P 

I have 3 really great writers in my world, all of whom have said they wish they could write like me. Which kind of confuses me because they are wonderful writers in their respective styles. Hell, I only learned what the fuck a semi-colon is used for in my writing class in January. My understanding of proper written English is innate to a large extent. I know something is well written and clear when it sounds right in my head. That's how I revise essays, people. I read everything out loud in my head, if that makes sense, and anything that "feels" unclear or improperly written I change. I tend to do this as I go along, though I always go back a couple more times to double check. Sentences feel correct to me, they don't look correct or are correct according to the rules of English. A sentence that can very well be grammatically correct and without errors is quite able to still feel "wrong" to me. I've done this for as long as I can remember, feeling my way through what I write. I think my clarity comes from often going back or double checking to make a sentence feel right, which tends to also enhance its clarity. I've said this before, but my greatest writing sin is I abuse commas A LOT. Almost every professor I've EVER had to write for has written in my margins "excessive comma use". But to me the sentence feels right that way, so these comments tend to piss me off. I like my commas, dammit! ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I love Converse sneakers. They are my version of the stereotypical female shoe obsession. In a bit of a peculiarity, I do not own a pair of blue converse, blue being my fav color. I have turquoise, but nothing close to blue. I should get a pair that matches my car. Considering my Droid case, valve stem caps and seats in my car all match the blue paint. For whatever school I decide on, I am going to get a custom pair of Converse in the school colors, and I'm going to rock those kicks my first day there.

I wandered off for like 3 hours there before I got back to writing this, heh. Was just completely burnt out. But now my mind is clearer, so I'll study until time for bed. They could at least wait to brutalize me at the END of the week. From Wednesday on it's gonna be a hell of a struggle to get through the damn day.

Ok so, heard this song while driving around earlier and starting bouncing and dancing in my seat. Had to try something new to add it here because I'm kinda tired of youtube's bullshit. Also note I added Part of the Queue off to the side. I fucking love that song, so it gets a more permanent place on here. :P

I'm having trouble just finding my soul in this town...

~A.

The one thing that bugs me about writing my posts on my Droid is if I wanna add youtube links, I gotta get on my laptop to do it. Of course, I usually try to spellcheck and such on my laptop before I post since I can see much more of the post at once. So any post without music was most likely posted right from my Droid. :P They're all written on my Droid though, it's just the whole music thing has to be done from my laptop.

I mention that because I want to post 2 songs on this post. :P First up is this cover of Wonderwall I heard on Pandora. And NOT on the Oasis channel, strangely enough. On Ben Westbeech, who does more pop/dance stuff, kinda Jamiroquai-ish. Anyways, I love this cover, especially the piano bit you hear at the beginning. It's great to rock out to in my car since my car is a rock music zone. I'll post the original too.

Cartel - Wonderwall


Oasis - Wonderwall

(Liam is the one singing this song and I am not a fan of his voice, his brother's voice is much more impressive and Warren sings a lot like him.)

Next up is another gem I found through Pandora by an artist I like but had forgotten about. The lyrics REALLY resonated with me and made me smile. This isn't rock but it's a song I like to play in my car if I feel kinda down, or just listen to in general.

Musiq Soulchild - So Beautiful



This song is one of my top 3 songs EVER. Just thrown in because I was humming it while writing this post. :P



So my Lobos BARELY won today, which is depressing because it was against Air Force, who has won ONE conference game this season and lost 10 (now 11). AND it was at The Pit! We rolled them by 23 points on THEIR court, yet they almost take us down on ours. As far as entertainment value, it was a close game the whole time and it didn't look good for us at the end, it was definitely exciting and a good game in that sense. But it was also fucking awful under any other context.

Trying to brace myself and prepare for hell week, 1 test Monday, 2 Tuesday, 1 paper due Monday and 2 on Wednesday. I want to do my best on all of them, but holy shit it'll be hard. Trying not to stress it, but there's definitely some stress.

So due to our respective sleep issues, Warren and I were up late, WAY LATE, last night. We were texting back and forth for a couple of hours and then he called me at like 3:20 am. Things are interesting when we're both lacking sleep. His filters disappear and I become uncharacteristically oblivious to the obvious. For some reason, this creates probably the sappiest conversations on earth. I love them, but usually don't remember much once I go to bed and wake up. What I do remember is this, he was explaining to me how he thinks my pic of me imitating the stabber suspect is the best pic he's ever seen of me. He was trying to compliment me and tell me I'm beautiful and have the complete package. It came out as:

"You have a nice set of things"
I think this is STILL funny, I've been laughing about it all day. Has to be one of the best butchered compliments I've ever heard. But it's special to me because Warren said it, and I know what he meant by it. Kinda like how calling me greybaby is a Warren only pet name for me.

I look at us, and can see we're both not saying everything we want to say to each other. He and I both like to dance around important/serious conversations, and we definitely don't want to say anything to start one, we hope the other person will pick up clues and do it. I think this is cute when it happens, cause we get awkward and flustered, which don't usually exist between us.

It's crazy, ever since we reconnected, this seems like something completely different in a very good way. Maybe we see more eye to eye? I dunno. And the only stuff we brought from previously is good things, all of the bad shit is just...gone. I can't even remember the vast majority of it. What does come up we joke about, laughing about how fucking stupid we were over something minor.

Once we worked out the kinks, everything has been going smoothly, really. I'm happy. We both love each other a lot, and neither one of us knows what that means, we just know we're going to find out together.

I couldn't ask for a better partner, there's no way I could think to "improve" him. We just naturally fit.

~A.

*Note: I'm totally aware that in the US this song was actually titled Foxey Lady with the e, but I hate that spelling so fuck it, we're doing it my way!

This post is pretty media intensive, a couple of youtube vids and a few pics. Just so you know this isn't a quick read if you actually listen to the music and look at the pics I post. :P

This week has been hell at best, and there's more incoming. Test today, one on Monday, TWO on Tuesday, and 3 papers all due between now and Tuesday too. Argh. This semester isn't quite as lax as I thought it would be. Feeling pretty stressed out, plus all the other bullshit I gotta worry about. *sigh* I'll get through it all and come out on top, but I still feel like shit now.

So I sent out another batch of transcripts today, for a school I didn't plan on applying to. Like, it was never on any of my lists and I never regarded it as a serious possibility. But since I got pushed all the way to pissed off, I just don't care if people like it or not, and I'm not telling anyone anyways so by the time people know it'll be too late for them to be negative. It seems like a pretty decent fit overall. We'll find out in April, like all the others, if they think I'm a good fit for them. I hate this whole "hey please judge me" feeling I get with every application. As awesome as I am with writing and all, you can't get a complete sense of me from anything you'll find on a piece of paper. Essays are my only shot at even trying to give a complete picture, but some schools don't even want essays for transfer students. I made sure to only apply to schools I am quite certain I would be happy at and have what I want to get me to my end goal, so even if I wind up at one of my safety schools, I'll still be pretty happy, for sure in the long run, but maybe even in the short term too.

My Lobos play tomorrow! But it's Air Force, and they're pretty terrible. :( At least they're not the Tar Heels. :P People keep saying oh, the Heels are a really young team, it's a rebuilding year, etc. Fuck your excuses. My Lobos are the 3rd youngest team in the country, and the Heels are NOT one of the other two, this was supposed to be our rebuilding year since we have 1 senior and 2 juniors, and we're tearing shit up. Jess and I were watching part of a Heels games (till Jess said "this is sad, let's play PS3") and we both noticed the team make up SUCKS. There's lack of height issues, they have people playing positions they VERY OBVIOUSLY should not be playing, Jess rattled off a long list of shit they were doing wrong. He'd know, considering his previous playing history and all. He thinks their coach is trying to do something that may have worked before, but it's not what works right now with who he has. I trust his opinion. Plus this means people are just making excuses for a shitty team. There isn't a damn thing the Heels can complain about that the Lobos weren't going through too. Youth, loss of A LOT of upperclassmen, rebuilding, etc. More importantly, I'm pretty sure Lobos are going to the Big Dance, and I'll hazard a guess at a top 5 seed and at least the Sweet Sixteen. Please god don't choke, Lobos! :P Selection Sunday is March 14th, and yes it is marked on every calendar I own. :)

Speaking of the Lobos, this is what I spent my Friday evening doing:

Cherry red and silver, our school colors! :) And my very Aeris looking backpack showing up as well. :P

On the 15th there was a stabbing on campus. They released a sketch of the suspect:


I've been getting emails all day about how the sketch looks like me. My brother thinks this is hilarious. To humor him and my friends: