Primordial Chaos

I totally lazied out of a title and just took lyrics out of the previous post's title song. Musiq - Special. It's been a long week, hell I haven't even posted in 3 days.


Speaking of this week, so far it sucks. I think I did awful on my tests, my papers weren't really what I wanted, but I had to work within certain confines and to add insult to injury, they're saying the accident was MY fault. So now I'm on the hook for 1200 bucks in repairs to Blue. Pissed doesn't even begin to describe it. I fucking hate insurance companies, they seriously have no desire to pay for anything, but love to take your money. Anyways, I apparently can't appeal either, so instead of being upset about it, I decided to get a part time job as a tutor to pay for it. I figure the experience will be useful and it'll just be another way I'm fostering independence. That's how I'm lying to myself, so don't ruin it for me by saying otherwise. :P Besides, the guy who owned Blue before me had him (my car is a him, just go with it) repainted, but it wasn't a great job, there's paint all over my side mirrors and rear glass, the paint has bubbled and obtained an "orange peel" texture in some places. There's also no clearcoat whatsoever, which means in the desert sun that shit will not last. So I'll get Blue repainted RIGHT while I'm at it. I sank 2300 into getting anything that was close to, needed to or I wanted repaired/replaced, so Blue just needs some cosmetic shit and tires. Specifically Bridgestone Potenza Pole Position all season ultra high performance tires in size 14 inch. :)

My mom said "when the fuck did you get to be so sensible and rational?". Right after I realized I waste too much time getting hung up on stupid shit. If shit doesn't go my way, then I can MAKE it go my way. Only me can stop me.

Well, not true. Warren can stop me. Only because he knows me well enough to influence me. As he said last night, he knows how to make me blush, make me smile, make me laugh, how to piss me all the way off and not only calm me down, but he's the only one who can get me out of my tree. He also knows if he pisses me off and then fucks off for about 12 hours, I'll start to miss him so much I won't be mad anymore. He's got my number and isn't letting it go anytime soon. We were on the phone last night, and during a pause he said "say it". At first I was confused and asked what it was he wanted me to say. He insisted again "say it" and this time I had a good idea of what he was getting at. But I dislike assuming, so I asked again what he wanted. He said "Tell me you love me". I replied, simply, "I love you". I heard him smile, he makes this soft noise when he smiles, and he said "I love you too". It seems so simple, but little things like that make me happy. He wanted to hear me tell him I love him, and knowing him, he wanted to say it to me too. Means a lot to me, and he knows it.

We're bound together by something bigger than both of us, and we're bound forever. It is just natural to us that's how things are. And I think you could pick almost any category and we'd be each other's first choice with no hesitation. Who's your best friend? Who is it that you love? Who gets under your skin the most? Who makes you laugh all the time? Who do you think of most often when you wake up? He told me recently that more often than not I'm the first thing on his mind when he wakes up. That made me grin. He's usually the first thing on my mind. <3 And usually mentioned in my blog too. :P He says it's cute when I write about him. Probably because it lets his ego know how much he has permeated my consciousness. :P

I'm really curious as to where we're going. He doesn't know either. I don't mention it with him anymore, but it's usually brewing somewhere in the back of my mind. I'm pretty sure he knows everything that lurks back there anyways. Besides, I'd just get the "now is not the time for that conversation" talk. Which it probably isn't, but still I wonder. Despite the whole distance thing (ugh), I feel safe with him around. I know he's protective of me (won't admit how much, but I already know) and that he is looking out for me. He worries about me more than he'll admit too. Come to think of it, he doesn't admit much, but it is still understood and known. Some things don't NEED to be said. But he always says what needs to be said. Which isn't always what I want him to say. :P He doesn't pander to me much. I like that. Despite my sulking, I trust his judgment. More often than not I'm sulking because I somehow got it wrong, not because I didn't hear what I wanted. Besides, once we're on the phone with each other we CAN'T be mad at each other. So we'll be immature sometimes and avoid each other's calls because we know if we answer we won't be mad anymore and we're holding out for being "right". What we don't always realize is we're BOTH usually right and are seeing things two different but valid ways.

I'm in a weird position with him, well weird for me. He is my best friend and usually my first line for advice. But I've been keeping even him out of the whole transfer colleges loop, and I kinda feel crappy for it. He knows me well enough to know if a school is a good choice or bad choice for me, would I like the weather, environment, stuff to do, etc. But I feel so beaten up by other people that I don't know if I would handle even his criticism, and he's bound to have some, very well at all. As it is now the slightest thing upsets me. I have one last set of transcripts in an envelope, postage paid already. I think I'll ask him where to throw it off to. I want him in on this in some way, and I think having him pick somewhere is a great way to do it. His judgment in regards to me tends to be spot on and his opinion and ideas are invaluable to me. Of course, he's gonna fucking hate this idea and refuse just to drive me crazy. :P

When we get on the phone I noticed how both of our voices perk up when we hear the other's. We get really happy to hear from each other. Shit, I wish everyone was as happy to hear from me. :P We'd probably light up even more if the other walked into the same room. Hell, we'd fucking piss ourselves with joy to have the other walk into the same room right now :P (fucking distance).  He even keeps up with the Lobos! Gotta have a team in the Big Dance to root for, since his team...sucks on a good day. I give him a hard time, but I love that boy. :)

Speaking of Lobos, #10 team in the nation! Selection Sunday is March 14th, about 2 and a half weeks away! I'm curious as how we'll be seeded. Current predictions are a #3 seed, which is pretty badass. You can bet your ass I'll have my bracket ready to go. Can't imagine what team I might have a bias for...

I guess all in all everything is going well, I'm just off my game the past two weeks or something. Sucks, but it'll get better from here.

As will I. :)

~A.