Primordial Chaos

Remember a few posts back when I said "fly in my sky" would be a good song idea? Finished said song today! Soooo, per my usual M.O.

Lyrics from the song "Fly In My Sky" by...ME! :)

I swear I don't know what I'd do without my guitar. Just playing and writing songs for it keeps me sane. Am I going to go into a music career? Hell no. I will use my writing and music skills as a method of expression though.

Really having a great time with my brother. We're just having a ridiculous blast. I can't even explain just how happy hanging out with him makes me, especially since we were at odds for almost 10 years. i'mjust really happy!

My semester is winding down, last official day of the semester is December 19th, and that's the end of finals week. I have 3 finals, 2 non-cumulative, so this should be less stressful. However I am stressed out because how well I do this semester may just make or break my chances of a transfer. The idea of staying at UNM seriously makes me want to cry. I know I was so excited to be there at first...but then I realized that I was not with like minded people.

Let me explain. In NM, there is a lottery scholarship, which basically promises any eligible student can go to college. The problem is, that a lot of people who either don't want to or shouldn't be in college are. But they get a BUNCH of money beyond the cost of tuition, books and such, so they stay. Hence why after SIX years only 44% have graduated. Only 46% of New Mexicans have graduated high school...so I'm not exactly in a league with peers, ya know? For those that ARE exceptionally intelligent, there's no common sense or sense of a life outside school. I have no true peers, really.

My hope is that either my new school or graduate school will expose me to others who are like minded. From what my brother and mom have told me...fat chance. *sigh* I miss having someone who could and did think on my level. Despite having made quite a few friends and acquaintances, along with interacting with my classmates...I feel completely alone. It's really depressing. I just...oh fuck it. I'm not going to go there.

I used to walk around with my headphones on playing music really loud so if anyone talked to me I couldn't hear them and I had a good excuse. I have my headphones on less and less these days, and I'm just about always talking and/or walking with someone. You know being SOCIAL and stuff. I've noticed people are naturally drawn to me, and I think in the past 7 days 3 different people have called me charismatic. I don't see it, but considering how people just randomly talk to me, I assume it's true. Something else has drastically changed about me...my default face is now a smile. I'm almost CONSTANTLY smiling. I wouldn't even smile for pictures before, now I just smile just because. I've had a few guys come up to me and start off by saying they couldn't help but notice my smile. My world is changing, and instead of resisting, I'm just gonna fucking go with it. Why not? Gotta discover my Hidden Charm, right?

I realized something about myself that now seems REALLY obvious. I made a fairly recent post about how when I hear music, I mentally make a video and/or pictures to go along with it. I was listening to music with no lyrics on my way home one day, and was creating these fantastic worlds, fantasies and stories in my head. This is NOT anything new, I usually do this when listening to music without words. What was new is I realized music, in a way I don't yet understand, is what gets my creativity going. It stimulates my mind. I'm somewhat notorious for having problems with fantasy and fiction, such as writing it or coming up with such things off the top of my head. With music playing, it's almost subconscious...it's like a natural reaction. However, if I'm trying to write something non-fiction or an academic paper, I can't be listening to music or I get distracted. So I kinda assumed I had to write ANYTHING without music. So now that I've kinda figured that out, I've been writing this fiction/fantasy story in my usual writing style, and so far, I'm really amazed by what I've written. I thought I could never write fiction or fantasy, I thought I was uncreative, and kinda had that idea reinforced. Anyways, it's like a scifi/fantasy story, I'll share when it's done.

~A.