Primordial Chaos

That SHOULD be a song.

Ok, so, I stay up late last night to register for my classes to make sure I got what I picked out, had a very sweet schedule all planned out, decided to take a couple of fun classes that fulfill gen ed, was really excited. Midnight comes around, I can't register. I try until 12:30 then go to bed because I have to be up at 5:30. Last semester there was an IT issue and all honors students couldn't enroll, so I didn't stress it, figured it was the same retardedness. Oh no, they had to dose me with a fresh new batch of fucking stupidity. IT has to issue the exceptions for honor students to enroll early. I knew my exception had been cleared, got the email from IT, blah blah. As I find out today, every semester about 10 honors students suffer from a system glitch that removes the exception from the semester they are trying to enroll in. This happened to me. Alright, I think, I'll just tell IT I'm glitched and can they reissue my exception.

They tell me in no uncertain terms no. Basically, more like "no, and fuck you". I get some story about how they only run the exceptions one time, and if someone gets glitched or accidentally left off, namely it's IT error that it happened, too bad, that sucks for you. The 3 people I talked to at IT were rude, like I was bothering them about something that's not their problem. One of them even felt the need to call the honors office and gripe them out for my requesting my early enrollment be activated. So here I've been busting my ass in my classes to remain an honors student, fuck, I'm an honors student 5 different ways, and UNM isn't holding up their end of the bargain. So I now have to wait to enroll, and I'm behind honor students, grad students, seniors, and juniors. I believe a couple other special populations as well, veterans and the elderly. The honors class I specifically went to a boring ass 3 hour meeting to enroll early for is now filled. Chances are really good I won't get most of my classes, since guess what, they were mostly junior/senior level classes, and they're super popular and fill fast. That's why I was so excited, I was going to get into all these fun and interesting classes next semester. That's fucked.

I've seriously never been this pissed off. I'm not even exaggerating. I'm completely enraged. I've been scowling and walking around with my fists clenched ALL DAY. No one can help me, I tried all over the university. I cried in rage earlier, and I'm doing it again now. I'm the cream of the crop at UNM, and THEIR system fucks up, and I have to be penalized for it? No. FUCK NO. NOT ACCEPTABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

I was actually considering transferring somewhere, ANYWHERE, for spring. If they won't even correct their mistakes to take care of their best and brightest, fuck them. That's not an academic environment I am going to be happy in. If the good students don't matter, then fuck, NONE of the students matter. Here I am making them look way better than they are, and I get treated like I'm insignificant and they don't give a fuck about me as long as my tuition is paid. I've fucking had it. I was considering if I didn't get into one of the schools I was eying just staying here, graduating, then going to one of my preferred schools for graduate level study. NO FUCKING WAY EVER WILL I STAY NOW. No wonder the New York Times called UNM a "failure factory". They fucking are!

I will stay for Spring, mostly because it's rather last minute to transfer and I don't want to be stressed out more than I am with finals looking me in the face. I am not, for any reason, staying beyond that. There is NOTHING they can do that would justify my presence there a moment longer. I don't give a rat's dick if they offered to buy me a house, or a Ferrari, or crown me queen. I've suffered enough bullshit at the hands of UNM that redemption is beyond them.

I need a pomegranate margarita or 5. I'll continue this later.

~A.

Song by Jazzanova.

Usually I would not be making another post right now, however, I've got stuff on my mind, and this is where I dump things!

First off, the Heels won their game tonight, so they're 6-1 and they play again on Tues, Lobos on Wed. The game tonight was a lot closer than I thought it would be, and I was getting nervous towards the end that they would lose. Which would suck, and it can't be a good sign if the UNM Lobos are having a better season than you. :P (I had to get a jab in about the Lobos at some point.)

Ok, to get to my point on why I'm making this post. I enroll in classes at midnight tonight, about 2.5 hours from now as I write this.

I have NOT chosen my classes, and I have NOT made the choice of whether I'm going BA or BS. I'm really thinking this one down to the wire, something rather uncommon for me. I had my classes picked out when I enrolled in Spring over a month in advance, and with back up classes in case I needed to adjust my schedule. I don't even have my fucking back up plan in case I don't get into the school I want. So, I'm basically going to do all of that NOW. That's a lot to do in 2.5 hours. I'm going to blog about it as I do it, so as you read this, you're following my thought process. Minus the extra chaos that is chronically simmering in my mind. :P

Ok, so after doing a bit of online research, I've chosen my "safety" school. It offers a BS and a minor in Cognitive Science, and it's not much unlike what I'm doing here at UNM, as a matter of fact, I'm a few credits ahead there than where I'm at here. So, even losing a few credits in transfer, and I fully suspect my honors classes won't transfer for credit but they're not counting towards my degree here either, I come out right about where I am in things. I still get to go for my BS, plus I get to study Cog Sci. So I'm going to gear my classes towards that school, plus I'm guaranteed in as I far exceed minimum reqs and it's not competitive admission. I guess I've basically solved my 3 dilemmas, back up school, BA or BS, and what classes to take. Only took me 19 Google searches, and a shitload of reading through and trying to navigate college websites. So now I need to hammer out my schedule, and thanks to a change in circumstances, I have A LOT of flexibility in my schedule. I'm ridiculously grateful for that.

What amuses me is this school was one of my original 8, but I cut it out when I narrowed down my choices. Doh! Oh well, crisis averted. The only down side is this school doesn't offer a PhD which is my next destination after my BS. (I'm full of BS. :P) However, I could always apply to my current number one choice for grad school and still get to where I'm trying to go. Just would take a different path. Which means a different adventure, different ways to grow...I can get with that. I need to remember to build more flexibility into my plans. I'm really bad about that. I tend to get tunnel vision. Guess that's another area I can improve in.

Ok, let me go hammer out my class schedule. Wow, I feel so relieved and excited about things now! Stress always gets in the way of fun, and this is a really exciting time in my little world.

~A.

Song by Oasis. Only using it because, well, it's Sunday Morning as I write this!

I meant to rant about this Friday, but kept forgetting. So it's going here.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE TO WHERE BLACK FRIDAY SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA?

People die and get put in hospital for this shit. Not to mention having to get up so early God isn't even awake, hang outside in the cold and fight other people for the shit you want.  People camp out in front of stores for DAYS. The HELL with THAT. People get all fucking mental during those sales, and you get to see the worst in people. First I dislike shopping. Second, if someone were to push, shove or talk shit to me, they're in for a real nasty surprise. ESPECIALLY if they put their hands on me. That opens the door for me to put my hands on them, and I'm not above doing so knuckle first.

People are fucking ridiculous.

Moving on, the Heels play this evening, and I'm wearing my Carolina blue shorts. GO HEELS! I'm excited! I have my "that was some bullshit" phrase ready to go. :P I'm expecting a win tonight, of course. Don't usually expect that from the Lobos, but they're making me look bad by doing really well. So cheers to both teams!

I've developed an addiction to frosted mini wheats lately. Like eating them 3-4 times a DAY. I'll let you figure out what such large amounts of fiber do to your digestive system and intestinal tract. I'll just say chronic bathroom trips, but I can't stop, they are SO GOOD. They're my new favorite cereal, the previous was Lucky Charms. Not even remotely sure why I mentioned that.

For reasons COMPLETELY beyond me, guys in their late 30 to mid 40s have discovered I exist or something and keep asking me out. I'm talking 9 guys 37+ in the past 2 weeks. The fact I'm TEN to TWENTY years their junior doesn't phase them. Fucking phases me though, I feel like I must look a lot older than I am or something. It makes me feel OLD, period. I refuse to be some old guy's trophy chick. Hell, I refuse to be ANY guy's trophy chick. I have better shit to do. Not to mention most of them are dumb as rocks on a good day. Old, dumb...what exactly is supposed to appeal to me again? Oh, and when I turn them down, they either call me a bitch (not entirely debating that one) or they give me some bullshit about how I'm wasting my time with guys my age and an older man knows how to better treat a woman. Insecure much? Geez. I'm 26 and rather intelligent, treating me like I need to be guided by an older man because I'm some form of helpless is a good way to PISS ME OFF. This is one of those times I love my headphones, I just put them on, turn them up, and walk away before I slap someone. It's just some creepy bullshit. I need a shirt that says don't even ask me, I'm not interested or something.

The more I learn about people through interactions and my major, the more I become disinterested in other people because they fucking scare me. I finally conquer my autism enough to come out of my shell and try and connect with other people, but now I'm starting to think I had the right idea the first time around. Though, I will admit a large part of that is being disgusted with the lack of intellectual peers in my life. I'm seriously allergic to stupid.

~A.

Song by Jamiroquai. :)

So, last night my Lobos WON, so we remain undefeated 6-0. WOOHOO!!!! Our next game is Wednesday December 2nd, home game, we're playing the California Golden Bears. To save you a Google, that's UC Berkeley. They're 3-2, but they lost to the Buckeyes and Syracuse. This is a home game though, so we're playing on our turf at the Pit. I don't give a shit who you are, playing in the Pit as the away team is fucking intimidating with crazy fans like myself raising a racket. :P

Mentioning Syracuse, UNC's only loss so far was to them. The Heels are 5-1, and they play Nevada tomorrow. So guess what I'll be doing tomorrow? Probably screaming "THAT WAS SOME BULLSHIT!". :P Sh, just let me be crazy.

So both teams have played 6 games, and even though I'm fully aware of the logical fallacies in saying this: The LOBOS are undefeated and the national champs the Tar Heels AREN'T? ;) (I'm giggling my ass off.) A few weeks ago I did a search regarding something about UNM basketball, and Google asked me if I meant UNC basketball. That's been fixed since then, but I both giggled and frowned when I saw that. I'm so dork I change my AIM buddy icon and Facebook profile pic to whoever plays next. Currently set to UNC, and it will stay that way since they play Sunday and Tuesday. Then it'll change for UNM's game on Wednesday. Heehee!

STILL haven't figured my classes and shit out yet. I'm not entirely looking forward to it. Gonna be some hard choices...seems to be the theme lately.

Considering I only even wrote this post to procrastinate working on that mess....I think I'll cut this off here and make myself go sort it out.

~A.

Dog by Ben Folds. :)


Totally are too much yesterday, and have been eating too much, lol. It was sooooooo good though. I've been eating so sensible and controlled for so long, it felt good to just eat crap for a week. Hell, my brother, who went vegetarian last year, even ate MEAT. We both just looked at each other and were like "fuck our sensible diets".  I usually gain 8-10 pounds in the winter, I've only gained 2, and I think it's mostly muscle. Even if it's fat, the hell if I care.

My bro left today, and I'm kinda bummed. He was kinda bummed too cause we were having fun. However, he comes back in 3 weeks, so the shenanigans can resume again then. Plus this semester will be over for both of us, so more free time to play video games and talk trash.

My Lobos play today, they're playing at Hawaii. The game isn't until 11 pm my time, which is yucky. I'm wearing my shorts as I write this, and my UNM hoodie. GO LOBOS! UNC plays Sunday, so here's hoping for wins both ways! So, because I'm just nerd this way, I have both the Lobos and Heels game schedules synced to my Droid's Google calendar in my local time, I downloaded the schedules from Yahoo sports. Heehee! So my Droid tells me when a game is coming up. Have I mentioned I love my Droid? I have? Oh, ok then. :P

Still trying to figure out my schedule and whether I'm going BS or BA or whatever. Working on it pretty hard though. Still feel dirty for even considering it. I refuse to be a Freud worshiping theory spouting moron with no concept of the biology behind psychology regardless of what I choose!

Since my brother is pack leader for the 4 dogs and he left, this leaves me as pack leader. This also means they fucking follow me everywhere and want to sleep in my bed. My dog, Emma, is usually attached to me and sleeping in my bed anyways with the cats Metro and Tasha. Add 3 more dogs, and things get a little crowded, plus they fight for space, if I get up to go pee they take my spot...I kinda don't wanna be pack leader. I guess it means I'm loved and respected. I love the doggies though, but Emma will always be number one to me. She's muh girl. :) I take her running with me sometimes and leave the others at home. She's a beautiful dog. I've meant to do this sooner, but here are some pics of Emma! (who I also call Emms or Emmy) For those of you who don't know, she is a purebreed Afghan Hound. She even has papers so she is all legit and registered too. :P

These first two are of her the day we got her to the rescue, she was not in good shape. :( This was July 08.

 

 If I have to tell you that's not a song, you and I need to have a little talk. And by talk I mean I'm gonna slap you upside your head.

What am I thankful for? Friends and family, past, present and future. My gifts and talents, born with and acquired. Having found my way in life. The experiences that have shaped me, that I have grown from, that continue to guide me. For all the things Warren taught me about myself and life, every day I realize just how much insight he gave me and how often I use it. I'm thankful for love and music too.

I'm a pretty competitive and aggressive person. My saying that is like pointing out the sky is blue. Since I've been wrapped up in basketball lately, I kinda wish I played college ball. Kinda. 1) I'm more of a, ahem, mental athlete. 2) Age, and number 3...is probably the biggest one.

I would have had to play girl's basketball. Fuck that. I'd want to play with the boys. I wouldn't care if I was the only girl out there, if ANYONE could hold their own with the boys, it's ME. Last spring during personal training I practiced with the boys team a few times, and I had a blast AND held my own. (And dated one, :P)

I love my guitar. The strings on it are French carbon fiber strings, high tension. AMAZING sound compared to the other strings I used. People tend to ask me what guitar I'm using because it has such wonderful sound. They're usually shocked it's a $200 Yamaha starter guitar. :P I use high tension to reduce string vibration, something you kind of want if playing actual classic guitar and finger plucking. However, I play my classical guitar as an acoustic, so I need less vibration to accomplish that and have good sound clarity. It works for me, oddly. However, I'm thinking of actually getting an acoustic guitar. There's a few tricks that are REALLY hard to accomplish on a classical that are easy on an acoustic. Plus the fretboard isn't as wide, something I struggle with on my classical since I have small hands. I also, eventually, want to take up electric guitar too. I love music, and I'm quite enamored with guitar. I could have a worse hobby. :P

So, I'm in a bit of a pickle, and it's based on my principles. I've made it clear just how much I despise BA Psych majors (Of course, this is purely based on my time at UNM) because they all seem to be FUCKING STUPID. All they can do is spout theory, and do so with NO CLUE about the biological basis behind it. I'm not fucking chronically depressed because I'm "overly sensitive" and "can't handle life as well as normal people". I'm fucking depressed because my dopamine pathway is fucked up you god damn fuckwits!

Anyways, I went for my BS because of my firm beliefs and knowledge of the scientific basis behind psychological disturbances. I live this shit every day. Now I am reconsidering going BA for the sake of powering through my undergrad to get to where I am going. However the thought makes me feel fucking DIRTY. So it's a REALLY hard choice, because of my disdain for BA Psych majors. I don't want to be one of them, but I also don't want to spend more time than necessary. I'm really torn, but don't have someone who can give me an educated opinion on what would be best for me. I need to figure it out like NOW because I enroll in classes at 12:01 am on Monday. ARGH. I'm also trying to take into consideration if I transfer, would the BA program be better? I mean, UNM's BS requirements are, um, rather low, and the BA reqs are even lower. I don't even know what my back up plan is or how that would factor in!

I'm actually so stressed over this I'm shedding heavily. However, I have my new pencil and a notebook and god dammit I'm going to hash this out the best way I know how...with written words. When I figure it out, before Monday obviously, I'll write about it for sure.

Time to EAT, like I haven't been eating for fucking days as it is. :P

~A.

Public Enemy. I'm telling you, I really do pull from all sorts of music.

So my Lobos are currently UNDEFEATED, 5-0. Considering my previous tirades about them being a bunch of pups, they're doing well. So I don't have to hide my head in shame for now. :P Tar Heels are 5-1, so they're doing well too. I totally lost a bet that UNM would lose a game before the Heels, that's what I get for dissing my home team. Oh well, still fun as hell to get all riled up. :) I think my new most commonly said phrase is "that was some bullshit". I make sure to wear my appropriate colored shorts when either one has a game. Red for Lobos, baby blue, oh excuse me Carolina blue (same shit) for the Heels. However, if both have a game the same day, Lobos come first.

To kill time between classes, me and some of my friends get together and study, which invariably winds up in completely off topic conversation. Twice in the past week I've been the off topic.

One of my friends is completely fascinated by statistics. In the conversation I mentioned how much of a rarity I am considering the combination of my traits and features, and jokingly said statistically I shouldn't exist. D took that as a fucking challenge to prove me right or wrong, so I gave him a list of basic features, skin color, eye color, sex, autism, left handed and so on, only traits I was born with, and it was a LONG list. After 30 minutes of research, basically we discovered you are 1000 times, yes A THOUSAND, more likely to win the lottery than there is for me to exist. In fact, based on the current world population, statistically there shouldn't even be one of me. That was wild. Talk about being a sui generis.

The second incident (which actually came first but whatever) we wound up discussing my most annoying habits, quirks, or traits. Out of the 5 of us, no one found the same thing annoying about me. I said my worst habit is drinking milk out of the jug especially during flu season. My friend JD said it was my weird pencil rituals. It aggravates him to no end, he can't stand it. He said that since I was rocking a new look, new car, new phone, new outlook, new philosophy and new attitude, I might as well change some other stuff too.

I'm not sure why I agreed to this, but he and I went to the bookstore to try and find me a mechanical pencil so I could be a little more "normal". That and so JD wouldn't want to smack me in class when I threw away pencils. I picked out the ones I liked on looks, then went through all of those and was looking for feel. I'm left handed and hold my pencil a certain way as not to drag my hand and smear what I write, so comfort is important. We finally narrowed it down to one, and JD handed me a notebook. Told me to get writing, and write a lot, so I would "adjust" to said pencil. At first, I REALLY hated not using my pencils. I'm really weird about certain things changing, can't help it. After about 3 days though, I kinda liked my new pencil, and now I use my mechanical pencil for EVERYTHING and don't feel too antsy (still a little though) about taking a test with a pencil I've used to write in my notebooks and use for everyday homework. And that is my introduction to the 21st century. :P You can teach an autistic dog new tricks.

My brother leaves Friday, and I'm kinda bummed out. We've been having a blast sitting around eating, playing video games, and acting stupid. I'm going to miss him, but he'll be back around December 19th. Yay!

Oh shit! I just realized I enroll in classes the 30th and I haven't figured out my schedule! Guess I know what I'll be doing over the holiday...

At the end of this semester, my adventure gets really exciting and interesting. I'm excited but also scared...but there's nothing that can come my way I can't handle! (I think.)

~A.

Remember a few posts back when I said "fly in my sky" would be a good song idea? Finished said song today! Soooo, per my usual M.O.

Lyrics from the song "Fly In My Sky" by...ME! :)

I swear I don't know what I'd do without my guitar. Just playing and writing songs for it keeps me sane. Am I going to go into a music career? Hell no. I will use my writing and music skills as a method of expression though.

Really having a great time with my brother. We're just having a ridiculous blast. I can't even explain just how happy hanging out with him makes me, especially since we were at odds for almost 10 years. i'mjust really happy!

My semester is winding down, last official day of the semester is December 19th, and that's the end of finals week. I have 3 finals, 2 non-cumulative, so this should be less stressful. However I am stressed out because how well I do this semester may just make or break my chances of a transfer. The idea of staying at UNM seriously makes me want to cry. I know I was so excited to be there at first...but then I realized that I was not with like minded people.

Let me explain. In NM, there is a lottery scholarship, which basically promises any eligible student can go to college. The problem is, that a lot of people who either don't want to or shouldn't be in college are. But they get a BUNCH of money beyond the cost of tuition, books and such, so they stay. Hence why after SIX years only 44% have graduated. Only 46% of New Mexicans have graduated high school...so I'm not exactly in a league with peers, ya know? For those that ARE exceptionally intelligent, there's no common sense or sense of a life outside school. I have no true peers, really.

My hope is that either my new school or graduate school will expose me to others who are like minded. From what my brother and mom have told me...fat chance. *sigh* I miss having someone who could and did think on my level. Despite having made quite a few friends and acquaintances, along with interacting with my classmates...I feel completely alone. It's really depressing. I just...oh fuck it. I'm not going to go there.

I used to walk around with my headphones on playing music really loud so if anyone talked to me I couldn't hear them and I had a good excuse. I have my headphones on less and less these days, and I'm just about always talking and/or walking with someone. You know being SOCIAL and stuff. I've noticed people are naturally drawn to me, and I think in the past 7 days 3 different people have called me charismatic. I don't see it, but considering how people just randomly talk to me, I assume it's true. Something else has drastically changed about me...my default face is now a smile. I'm almost CONSTANTLY smiling. I wouldn't even smile for pictures before, now I just smile just because. I've had a few guys come up to me and start off by saying they couldn't help but notice my smile. My world is changing, and instead of resisting, I'm just gonna fucking go with it. Why not? Gotta discover my Hidden Charm, right?

I realized something about myself that now seems REALLY obvious. I made a fairly recent post about how when I hear music, I mentally make a video and/or pictures to go along with it. I was listening to music with no lyrics on my way home one day, and was creating these fantastic worlds, fantasies and stories in my head. This is NOT anything new, I usually do this when listening to music without words. What was new is I realized music, in a way I don't yet understand, is what gets my creativity going. It stimulates my mind. I'm somewhat notorious for having problems with fantasy and fiction, such as writing it or coming up with such things off the top of my head. With music playing, it's almost subconscious...it's like a natural reaction. However, if I'm trying to write something non-fiction or an academic paper, I can't be listening to music or I get distracted. So I kinda assumed I had to write ANYTHING without music. So now that I've kinda figured that out, I've been writing this fiction/fantasy story in my usual writing style, and so far, I'm really amazed by what I've written. I thought I could never write fiction or fantasy, I thought I was uncreative, and kinda had that idea reinforced. Anyways, it's like a scifi/fantasy story, I'll share when it's done.

~A.

Wonderwall by Oasis. I've been playing it A LOT on my guitar lately, and me and my bro have been singing it. He was actually the one who exposed me to Wonderwall the first time.

Life is complex, but you don't need me to tell you that. I've made a few REALLY hard decisions lately, and even though they are upsetting in the short term...they are best in the long term. I'm admittedly emotionally sensitive in the first place, and tend to feel the extremes of emotions and be consumed by them. This is what I regard as my greatest flaw, actually. So I am trying to keep my focus to the future right now so I can see the positive. It's not easy.

For one, in vague reference for certain reasons, I'm losing a huge part of my day to day life. It was the most difficult decision to make, oh, ever. The close friends I've mentioned it to wonder why I'm not excited about a little more freedom. 1) I never go out in the first place, that's not going to change 2) I have some very important goals I'm busting my ass for and my time is invested in that. I am focused straight ahead to my goals and nothing else.

So another hard decision, on my lists of schools I wanted to get into, UCSD was one of them. However, since California and the UC system are fucking imploding, I made the decision to X it off my list. It was not easy since they have the top cognitive science program in the country, which is, sorta, my area of study. After the tuition hikes and student protests...I had some real concerns about the school.

That being said, I don't exactly have a solid plan B. My remaining back up schools are great schools for what I want...but...they're not REALLY what I want, you know? I could waltz into my safety schools and crap on the mascot as my application and get in. I far exceed their requirements. They don't even make mine. So I'm not sure what I'm exactly going to do...right now I should focus on ending THIS semester on top of my shit. I have all my official transcripts and stuff in manila envelopes with no "To" address on them, so they could really go anywhere. Which means so could I. Maybe over Thanksgiving I'll re-evaluate some schools, see if I can make a Plan B...C...D...just in case. I'll be overprepared, sure, but better than being caught off guard. Ijust don't know...*sigh*

Still enjoying time with my bro, today we've been playing Contra Rebirth, and we beat it on hard. That unlocked NIGHTMARE difficulty. Hard was a fucking nightmare, we were just BARELY getting through the levels. I'm afraid of how it can get much worse, cause that was intense. Me and Jess had a BLAST though.

All day, all you hear in the house is our two Droids going off for one reason or another. It's pretty funny.  My bro loves his phone, keeps going on and on about it. I'm happy too cause it's something we've bonded over, trying to help each other learn something on the damned things, trading apps, music, etc.

My bro comes back permanently the weekend of December 19th...I'll be glad to have him around. Though, I gotta stop watching really terrible movies with him. My bro will watch ANY movie, and this isn't always a good thing. At least he's got me watching movies though. :P

~A.

A Queen song. I draw from an eclectic mix of songs, don't I? :)

Anyways, my bro is visiting for a week and a half, and we're having a fucking blast. We also found out he can fit in my tiny two seater car, lol. It was cool just driving around talking to him. We've been hanging out just talking and having a great time. I'm REALLY glad he's here. As I write this we're watching the Black Dynamite movie. Fucking funny ass movie.

So, my bro has had the iPhone for awhile, and he hated it, had all kinds of issues. Yesterday, I transferred his number to my Verizon account...and he bought a DROID! We've been downloading apps and playing with them non-stop, and he keeps saying how the OS is so much better, the screen is better, the apps are smoother, he has all his Google stuff fully synced, something he couldn't do on the iPhone he can directly load music on to it...He loves the damn thing! He even thanked me for letting him hook up to my account because it was much cheaper than him getting his own account, and that he's so glad he did. He bought me a nice screen protector for mine. :) I've been showing him what I know about using it.

I'm glad he's here. He's really brought my mood out of the gutter.

~A.

Jamiroquai song. :)

So, I have my Droid and I am just enthralled with it. I put as my Facebook status I'll never date again because I can't imagine loving a guy more than my Droid. A tongue in cheek comment (maybe), but you get the point.

I'm obsessed, so I'm posting these. Bare knuckle bucket of does. Love it.



This one is my personal fav:


I just love how Verizon, armed with the Droid, is coming out swinging at ATT and the iDont AKA iPhone. This makes me giggle with glee. I'm also not an Apple fan...I would post a picture of the "typical macintosh user" but considering some of the people who read this...it's pretty obscene. So for the more sensitive (older) readers, I'll leave it out. :P

I love my Droid. It's just badass, like me!

So, since it is running Google's OS, everything Google, blogs, email, etc. is VERY well integrated into the phone. This includes Youtube. Now, not only can I stream the high quality vids to my phone either through wifi or through Verizon's data network, which is pretty bad ass on the bus ride home, but it's armed with a feature I'm pondering using. Droid comes armed with a 5 megapixel camera, which isn't bad. It not only takes pics...but video too. Basically, from my phone I can record and upload video to my Youtube account, which is the same email linked to this blog and the primary Gmail linked to my phone. Though, ALL of my emails are linked to my phone. :)

Point being, I've considered vlogging (video blogging, in case you're lost) along with blogging. You'd get to see me and hear me...and I'd have to practice talking coherently and not being awkward. :P This idea scares the piss out of me. I'd have to perform in a way, and I'm not sure how or what I would even go on about. Like I said, I'm thinking it over...and some of my friends are pushing pretty hard for me to do it. I think they just want me to embarrass myself on the internet. :P

I mentioned that I had shaved my head, and I'm letting it grow out and have no intention of fucking with it again. Well, my hair, of it's own volition since I have not had it cut or styled since I shaved it, has grown out into a slightly shorter version of Halle Berry's haircut when she had short hair. I don't style it, in fact I usually wear my hat, but even after taking the hat off it looks like it's been styled. The down side is I'm tired of hearing "OMG your haircut is SOOOOOO CUTE! It looks so cute on you!". I dislike being called cute by people I don't know well. I know I'm cute as hell, but goddammit these people are fucking up my badass reputation. :P

So my mother rented a car to drive up to Boulder and bring my bro back to ABQ for Thanksgiving. She called me about and hour after she got the car, ranting and raving about how nice the car is, she wanted one, she loved it, she loved the dark grey color, this car was so wonderful, and so on for like 10 minutes. Finally, I managed to ask her "Well, what kind of car is it?"

Her reply:

"It's a Hyundai Sonata! Know anything about them? You're usually hip to car info."

I told her I didn't know anything. That's not true, I only know one thing though.

Warren drives a dark grey Sonata too. = /

Not exactly a reminder I needed. Seeing it in the driveway freaks me the fuck out. Especially right next to my car.

~A.

N.E.R.D. album title.

 Is Sure To Fade.....Away....Again....
Too far away for me to hold...


And I was doing so well...this song came up on Pandora radio on my way to school this morning. I fucking broke down crying in front of everyone. I was straight sobbing my heart out. I'm fucking crying right now.

It's been a month, and I miss him so god damn much. It hurts just as much as that first day. There's nothing I can do...I just want my best friend back! I hate this, I'd do anything to have him back as my best friend...

I'm in so much pain right now. I just...nothing's hurt me like this before. Ever. I am not really coping as well as I would like. This hurts so bad....so god damn bad...

Oh God, just let this end...I'm not strong enough to deal with too much more of this. I'm really not. I'm already breaking...

Van Hunt song. <3 Van Hunt.

So, today, for reasons TOTALLY beyond me, I dressed kind of, well, girly. High heeled knee high boots, jeans (boots UNDER the jeans, mind you), a rose print 3/4 sleeve top, belt, earrings, lucky hat, and a REALLY girly freaking coat with matching gloves. As much as this is NOT my thing, I was looking pretty damn good and turning heads, thank you. Friends and class mates were just dumbfounded that I, queen of jeans and Converse shoes, can actually dress myself nicely AND pull it off. Looking good was nice, but after like 3 hours I was not comfortable AT ALL. I got home, threw on my glitter Converse and a fucking hoodie, then finished errands and shit I had to do.

Despite the fact that I looked very striking dressed like that and it was definitely a look that works for me, I can't really stand it on a regular basis. This confuses, well, everyone BUT me. Just because you can do something well, doesn't mean you have to like it too. I piss people off pretty well, but I don't like it. :P Somewhat more seriously, I am bizarrely fantastic at Algebra. I fucking hate that shit. I have the systematic analyzing mind (thanks autism) to be a fantastic mathematician. I can't stand math. Though, part of me wants to be a math major just to MAKE myself like and understand it. Instead of becoming really analytical about numbers, a common trend in autistic people, I became really analytical about WORDS. This led to or assisted in my reading and writing skills, two things I would gladly challenge anyone in. Even if I didn't win, you'd be damned impressed at how I can hold my own. But like I wouldn't win. :P

Instead of theorems and proofs, I had grammar and structure. Instead of well thought out solutions, I had an unusual precision and clarity to what I wrote and to what I read. I STILL hold the record at my middle school for highest grade in reading/reading comprehension class ever. 14 years, and my name is still on the wall. (It was a 554.6, btw. Out of 100. Just a couple of extra bonus points :P)

Yeah, I'm a decent enough writer and my reading comprehension is pretty top notch. But I never conquered my fear or aversion to math. This is moderately distressing because if I was into math, I'd have gone into astrophysics. I mean, I've has a weird fascination with astrophysics since I was 11 or so, not a recent idea. Just a little bit off from my current path, yeah? Don't get me wrong, I love psychology, I love what I'm doing now and where I'm heading, and I believe I'm not so subtly being nudged to where I'm needed. I am fucking OBSESSED with astrophysics though. It's almost embarrassing how much I've read and re-read wikipedia and other such sites trying to learn about it, how much time I spend in the library on campus reading about it...The only time I've EVER had a convo that went sailing over W's head was a convo about infinity. We both got kinda po'ed at each other, actually. We couldn't see the other's side at all. He believes in aliens but couldn't believe there are infinities after infinity and that there are different "sizes" or degrees of infinity that you can count. Just to fuck with your mind a little, some infinities are bigger than others. Mull that over for a while. It's absolutely true, but just think about it. You can stop when your brain hurts.

What gets me is things like that make COMPLETE sense to me. They did so the first time I heard them. Ask me the point of something more practical and everyday like, oh, what's a derivative and why is it useful, and my eyes will glaze the fuck over. (I seriously do not fucking know the answer to that.) More mindfucking than bigger and smaller infinities is how the hell can I grasp something so bizarre and complex, over something so much more useful and every day.

You know what though, that's pretty typical of me to be so atypical. Especially bizarre disparities of knowledge like that.

I'm never boring. Frustrating, but not boring.

~A.

Trey Songz from the Coach Carter Soundtrack.

It snowed last night. I dislike this. Cold is fucking miserable. The misery increases when I have to hike around UNM to do my thing...and wait in the cold for the bus across town. Yick.

I can now play super nintendo games on my Droid. Seriously. This isn't a phone, I don't know what to call it, but not a phone. Multimedia extravaganza? Eh, phone is much shorter. :P

My Lobos won their game last night against UC Riverside. That was kind of a creepy game, considering yesterday was a year to the day when I moved from Riverside to ABQ and became a Lobo. So, Lobos are 1-0. Tar Heels are 2-0 and they play again today I believe. Kinda not worried about them, that whole national champs thing. Basketball season! Love it. W got me all hyped up and involved mid/end of the season last year, and I had such a fucking blast watching the games and yelling at the TV (Lobos got yelled at...a lot.) that I've been anxiously awaiting basketball season since the final game of March Madness. I hate my school academically, but hey, I'll yell and howl and do the lobo thing with my hands because it's fucking fun, dammit.
Our Lobo gang sign or whatever:

I'm willing to bet a few of you are surprised this hasn't been a title sooner. Cosmic Girl by Jamiroquai, of course. I used to listen to this song so obsessively Cosmic Girl or CG became my nickname. It's still a theme song of mine of sorts.

It's a cold and rainy/snowy day here, and I really hate this kind of weather. First of all it's depressing, second I can't take the top  off the del Sol, third I HATE being cold. Winter sucks so bad, ugh. I'm so hoping we get very little snow. Driving around on snow and ice in my little car? Yeah, that sounds like a very not fun time. At least I learned to drive it before winter. Trying to learn to drive a stick on hills and snow/ice? Holy shit.

My cousin is getting married today, and I would have liked to attend, but school and research got in the way. However, it got me thinking about marriage and love and examining my ideas on it all. Now, I'm not jaded or bitter on love, despite my current situation. Marriage though...yeah. I completely understand how it is something that others can appreciate, and I can say there are many people to whom it is suited for. I'm not trying to come down on anyone or their preferences. Perhaps it is the combination of my opinions and perspectives, but I don't personally understand what the fuck is that shit about. It's fucked up spouses get certain rights that long term partners don't. There's also that whole wedding...thing. Listen, I'm not a pomp and circumstance kind of person. Formal dress doesn't really suit me either. That whole dad giving the bride away thing is weird too. It's a creepy "here she's your problem now" type of gesture. Why do I need to throw an expensive party that takes months of planning and stresses everyone out to commit to someone?

I've asked a few people why have a wedding just to get some other opinions. The most common answer was it's tradition. This is just me, but because a bunch of people did something before me means I should do it? Yeah, that's not gonna fly in my sky. (Hmm, I like that fly in my sky part, song idea in progress) I'm completely for and could see myself in a long term, VERY long term relationship. I can't see myself getting married. That could change, I'm very dynamic, but I've held this view for quite some time, and I'm not really seeing anything to sway things away from that. I don't know if because it's such a social idea/event that the meaning is lost on me. I suck at social comprehension, so that could definitely be a factor, and I'll concede that. BUT STILL. It's a weird idea.

Yes, I am aware you can get married at the courthouse or where ever without a ceremony, and that mostly I've made more of an argument against weddings instead of marriage. I'm getting there. ;)

So, first I need a license to get married and the county/state/whatever has to have a record of such a thing. Um, what the hell is the point? Besides getting spammed by all kinds of businesses who now know you're newlyweds because it's a public record. They also use it to make sure you're not married to more than one person. If it's two or more consenting adults who agree to such a set up, who the hell cares? The idea of having to legally announce my commitment to someone is really fucking weird too. The ring thing, ugh. It's basically saying "I'm someone's property". Marriage is also based on a social standard and norm that don't even exist anymore. Women are no longer property a father trades to some guy so he can breed with her. Oh and he has to pay the guy to take her. That's what marriage is based on. Barring the legal rights a spouse gets that partners don't, there's no need for marriage. You can even get around the legal rights part by having a well written and exceptionally clear will. On another point, as a spouse, if your spouse gets into trouble, you're going to have a hell of time distancing yourself and maintaining innocence. You're legally bound as a unit, to the point where you can even be responsible for bills your spouse ditched on.

I'll say this again, I'm not against marriage, for some people the reasons I'm not personally a fan are exactly why they are. I'm not out to get rid of marriage. But it doesn't make any fucking sense to me. I see no logic in it. I'm a very systematic excessively literal and logical person.

Now, to tread on more controversial waters, there's another aspect of marriage or any romantic relationship that society seems to be REALLY obsessed with to the point of ridiculousness:

Monogamy. I get the idea that society reinforces monogamy over child rearing and such, but....it's fucking unreasonable. Can some people do it? Sure. Always exceptions. Should this be the rule? HELL NO. I'm very strictly speaking physical/sexual monogamy. This is one of the most illogical social norms EVER. We're animals, people. Top of the food chain, but still animals. There is only ONE creature that is TRULY monogamous as a rule. Tapeworms. Surely we're more sophisticated than tapeworms. Though some people give me reason to doubt that...

Personally, I think humans are very very capable of emotional monogamy for life. I think physical monogamy is not. It shouldn't be. However, there should be some restrictions to this. 1) Reproductive sex with your mate ONLY. This isn't a license to go knocking up any female that looks at you right. You have a primary mate for a reason. 2) You need to make sure you and your mate are on the same page, no sneaking around. That shit is dishonest, and I have a real peeve about dishonesty in relationships. 3) Safe sex. Duh. 4) FAMILY FIRST. 5) Any other restrictions mutually agreed upon by you and your mate.

If I were in a relationship, I'd be pissed off if my mate started emotionally neglecting me or ignoring me. Having sex with someone else? As long as you're not sneaking around and upfront, I don't give a shit. I know it's not a statement about my personal attractiveness or the love my mate feels for me. You have to emotionally "come home" to your mate. Seeing other people naked is fun, but your heart should be with your mate always. As long I have emotional security, I'll be happy. I know I'm dancing all over the FAR edge of society on this, but jesus christ, logic. Use it.

Women especially seem to think if a guy taps an ass other than her's, it means she's unattractive or he doesn't love her anymore. This brings up a couple of things. 1) You are fucking DELUSIONAL if you think you are the only person your mate will or does find attractive. 2) Stop equating sex with love.

I think #1 explains itself. Your mate isn't the only person you find attractive, how can you double standard that shit. You are not god's gift to your mate, where you are everything your mate could ever want or need. What you are is the closest they'll get and you are emotionally supportive and compatible with them. It goes both ways. Your mate isn't the be all end all of attractiveness, and hell, sometimes they can be REALLY unattractive. It's normal. Not the end of the world. It's vain and narcissistic for you to expect that you're the end all be all.

#2 is a known fact up until you get into a relationship. One night stands, fuckbuddies, casually seeing and sexing people, when you're single you don't question that sex is most definitely not equal to love. What fucking changes when you get into a relationship? (hint: NOTHING) For some reason, especially with women, it is beat into their minds that sex means love in a relationship. Sexing someone else MUST mean he doesn't love you anymore. Now, this CAN be the case, but for the vast majority of the time, nope. He views you as a complete person, a human being, his partner. The other girl, he sees her as an object he can play with, a toy. (For reasons of brevity, I'm not going into every combination of people that can form a relationship.)

To me, there's a serious problem when the humping someone else comes with them being emotionally distant/unavailable. That's not acceptable. You need to either work on your primary relationship or leave it, whatever is appropriate for what's going on. Take care of home base first.

That turned into a much longer tirade than I thought it would, heh. But it's one of those topics people don't seem to question or analyze. Except me. I question and analyze everything. And I like the logical perspective of things.

I also like taking controversial positions. Which tends to also be the logical position. Go figure.


~A.

You'll notice on the right side a new feature added to my blog, basically, my phone reports where the hell I am and it gets posted here. I don't go anywhere without my phone, so you can be very confident that's where I am. This includes on campus/in class, when I'm out running, when I'm running errands, etc. Completely fucking useless, but I think it's really neat. Plus it shows off my phone and all of its awesomeness.

God I love this damn phone.

~A.

...until tomorrow when I start to miss you. From my song Never Again Until Tomorrow. I miss him a lot right now....

Today has been a very odd day, at least for me. Granted it was a Friday the 13th, but still. My blogs have been the vast majority of the personal writing I've been doing lately, my creativity has hit a terrible wall. Today though, I was on my game like I haven't been in a long time.

More specifically, I wrote two songs today, and had both completed lyrics and music in a total of 3 hours. Now, some background into how I wound up writing two songs, and basically what they're about.

I made myself do something difficult today. I listened to every single one of the songs I have of W singing and playing guitar. I also went and read through some of our conversation logs over AIM. Before just the thought of doing so brought me to tears. Today, it made me smile, really big. REALLY BIG. Just to follow the ebb and flow of our relationship, whatever it was, was wonderful. Some really beautiful things were said between us, and even whole entire conversations just blew me away at how much we were in step with each other.

Does he hate me currently? I'll bet. Does he miss me? Yeah no. I'm ok with that. I do feel I personally lost something and someone wonderful. Despite some of the really fucked up shit that happened...after reading back and seeing when things were good and we weren't so damned serious and/or jealous...I miss that very deeply. I think I always will. Especially the laughing with him on the phone. I think about that at least once a day, I miss that more than anything else ever. I went through and dredged up a bunch of feelings and emotions by reading those logs, but I did so because I wanted to write a song about them, to perserve them as not just words. I wound up with two completely finished...and 5 more I'm trying to decide if they're workable or not. Even if they're shit, at least it's somewhere to funnel some of the madness.

Before I go into the two songs themselves, I want to talk about something that's come up in a few discussions I've had with others about stuff I say here. I am very painfully aware of how I seem to oscillate between missing him, hating him, adoring him and giving off a I'm glad he's gone vibe. Whatever I write is what I am feeling right as I write that, and I am definitely no constant as far as emotions go. I used to tell him all the time I could never decide if I wanted to call his name or curse it, and that's still an absolute truth. If you want the overall average of how I feel, I miss him and think of him a couple of times a day. Despite the stupid fucked up shit that went on, the way we became something we weren't...something that didn't work for us as far as the roles we played were...the fighting, the tantrums, the anger, the jealousy...my experience with him was, and I mean this, life changing. I am really unhappy things went so far wrong and we're no longer in touch. It doesn't matter why, or who was most at fault, or who deserves the blame or whatever. I don't care. I'd give up many things to have him back as my best friend...because only now do I see what I had. You don't miss your water till the well runs dry, I guess. I'd give up Alexandroid, even. Nothing I have is worth more to me than him. I will always look back fondly on all the fun we had...and even now the bad times are becoming very quickly forgotten...as they always have been. I'm just so frustrated he's gone. I just wish we had another chance to try and figure out what the fuck happened and get back to all the fun we had. I just want to hear him laugh again...

Anyways, there's my pensive rant about that. Though I just started missing him a little more...I've gone on a couple of lunch dates with this guy here in ABQ who recently moved from NC. Like every other thing I say goes over his head, he doesn't get it. I sent him a joke over text message that W would have fucking loved...this goof didn't get it. I just had to explain it twice...now I miss having someone who got my weird but intellectual sense of humor. Christ. I told him I don't want to see him again over text message just now. I can't deal with someone who can't keep up with me mentally, including vocabulary.

Ok, back to the songs/music before I get all emotional. Now, one of my songs I've previously written, That Sunday Afternoon (I'll Never Forget) is about this phone call I made to him in hysterics...and he calmed me down, made me laugh, and taught me what the hell trailer park pizza is. Trailer park pizza became something treasured between us because of that phone call. I'm going to say it was probably the most special moment we shared. Everything between us changed after that. It still means the world to me, hence the song about it. It's my favorite to play because it's very light hearted and fun.

Now, the two I wrote today are more intense and are more...hm, I guess serious? But still very much about me and him and/or based on me and him and more blatantly so than other songs. The titles are What I'd Do To Protect You From Me and High Voltage. Protect You is about a few conversations we had about our flaws, weaknesses, how the other is strong in areas we are weak, how our demons haunt us...and the title comes from him telling me he was trying to protect me from his darker side. At one point the effort he made to keep me from his bad moods was so great, so impressive...that I felt honored to mean that much to him. Basically, the gist of the song is what lengths someone would go to protect a loved one from their darker side. In the song, this includes taking yourself away from them to protect them, to allow them to move on to something better because you love them so much you think they deserve it. It's written like it was a letter written by someone who made that choice, and they're trying to tell the other person why and how it hurts now, but it won't hurt later, something they can't guarantee if they stay. Protect You is also the first song I've written where the meaning, motivation, and inspiration behind it is very defined and clear.

High Voltage is insanely personal, but only he and I would get it. Again, depending on your personal circumstance, the meaning shifts, unless you're me. I think it's the most clever of my songs because of just how personal what I reveal is, but unless you were part of the situation, it will seem like just some song. The overall idea is about two very strong willed people who have gone from being in harmony to having major dissonance, and how the other person feeds their discordant temperament until both reach a point where they're not just hurting the other but also themselves. The chorus is about how high do they really wanna push the "voltage" of their relationship, because if things keep going as they are, the shock of their life is impending and "who knows how much of you will die when the lightning strikes". (In personal experience, the answer is A FUCKING LOT.)

I need to go run, my heart's a little sore right now.

~A.

A song by The Verve. This song was actually the song for my high school senior class.

I have two pets, or they have me as a pet, the line isn't really clear. A male cat named Metro, and a female afghan hound named Emma. I love them both to death, and they love me to death.

Metro is a weird little guy. He is a black cat, pure black from nose to tail. I have a thing for black cats. He isn't just some mixed breed housecat, well, not like your everyday mixed breed housecat. He's a large part of some exotic breed of cat, my mom thinks it's Siamese, but his facial structure leads me to some of the other and more feral breeds of cat. He has the face of a lion, and these really pale green glue eyes. He also has that deep purr the large feral cats have, you feel it more than you hear it. He likes to snuggle up and sleep either around my neck or with the dogs. He purrs every time he sees me. He does not like anyone else BUT me, and he is really attached to me. One day I was getting ready to leave and I had the windows down on my car. He stands up to look in the window and meows at me his "sad" meow, the same one he uses when I leave for school. I get out, pet him, then get in my car...and he launches himself into my car meowing and throwing a fit. So instead of going to the store, I went back inside with Metro (or Met as I tend to call him) gave him a little bit of milk, and we snuggled up on the couch while I read a book. He's cute that way.

The not so cute part of him is his hunting abilities. I'm constantly cleaning up dead animals. I kinda hate to say this, but he puts Minnie to shame as far as sheer volume of dead things brought back/into the house. Minnie had the nickname "The Birdinator" (bird terminator, get it?) for a reason. Metro is beyond that, and it's impressive, really. Somehow I attract murderous black cats. :P But Met loves the crap out of me and I love the crap out of him. I've had him for almost a year now, so he's almost 14 months old. Sometime he will hop on my bed, sit on my chest and purr so I will get up, go in the kitchen, and give him a little bit of milk. Then he will demand we go right back to bed, and will nudge me that direction using claws. He's really great, and he reminds me in a lot of ways of Minnie. He is smart, too damn smart for his own good.

So is Emma. That girl has my personality. She will come up and hit you to demand you pet her. Or ram her head into your leg. If she is laying down, she will smack you then lift her leg up so you rub her belly. Her favorite trick is when I'm trying to not let her into my room, but if I leave my door cracked, she will barge in and make a beeline for my bed then lay down and curl up and give me this look of "Yeah, try and make me leave". I learned, quickly, trying to make her leave isn't a great idea. So if she manages to get past me and get on my bed, I let her stay and pet her.

She also has manners. When it's food time, she politely waits away from the door for her food not barking or whining, just sitting quietly. (The other 3 dogs need to take a lesson from her.) At night, if my door is closed, she will knock on my door. If I am up, I'll let her in. However, if I am asleep and don't hear her knock, she'll go and sleep in the living room without a fuss. She adopted me, really. She was my mom's dog, but she latched on to me and won't let go. Her and Met get along really well and usually my bed has all 3 of us sleeping in it. The both of them make me smile all the time.

There's 4 dogs, 2 are my brother's,1 is mine, 1 is my mom's. There's 3 cats, one is Metro, one is Spidey, my mom's cat....and then there's Tasha. No one calls her Tasha anymore. We call her "Bad Cat", a name my brother gave her.

She eats. A LOT. She's kind of fat, really. She's a terrible hunter, she trapped this moth and when it flew at her she freaked out and ran. (Vino, the Italian Greyhound, then ate said moth.) She earned the name Bad Cat because my bedroom door is usually closed at night and she will bang and scream until I get up and let her in. She woke up my brother a few times this way, and somehow this earned her the name Bad Cat. EVERYONE in the house calls her Bad Cat. She will also lay in the middle of the cul de sac and watch the neighborhood like a creepy stalker.

She is EXCEPTIONALLY affectionate though. Always purring, purrs really loud, loves to snuggle and have her tummy rubbed, scared of everything, but she's a really sweet cat. Just kind of dumb and mildly irritating. She's about a month older than Metro, and we adopted them the same day, but they are not from the same parents. However, Tasha is still kind of Met's big sis. Met is a wee bit jealous and protective and if Tasha tries to snuggle with me or sit in my lap or get on my bed and Met is around...Met will straight beat her ass and take the spot she occupied. He does this with most places he finds her sleeping. Chairs, couch, my bed, floor, if he wants to be there, he's going to kick her ass to get that spot, especially if it is close to me. It's pretty funny and cute, really.

So, the other day two of my friends were celebrating 4 years of being together, Z is a 27 year old guy and T is a 23 year old girl. Awww. I was hanging out at school in the spot where we all hang out between classes, and had my guitar with me working on this new song I'm writing. So, they show up after their classes and I wish them a happy anniversary and such. Z asks me to sing/play a romantic song for them, and I happily agree.

Now, I'm mischievous as all hell, and a bit of a prankster. I can also say/do a lot of things with a straight face. So I tell them I'm going to sing a love song about a guy who knows girls like him, but he is looking for a certain kind of girl. Z and T start smiling and sit close to me holding each other, thinking they're about to get all kissy face while I sing and play a sweet song for them.

So I start playing some chords, and I know they aren't gonna recognize the song of a lot of reasons, not the least of which it's being played acoustically on a classical guitar. So I play a nifty little intro then begin to sing the song which starts like this:

"You know I thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em, cause I don't fuckin' need 'em..."

For those of you who don't know the song, that would be Jay-Z's song Big Pimpin'. In a fit of boredom I learned a few rap songs on guitar a few months ago. I can see their faces and I just keep singing and playing with a straight face, though I REALLY want to start laughing. I finally crack once I have to try and sing a moderately vulgar part of the song in an acoustic serenade style, and I just put my guitar down and start laughing. T wacked me with the school newspaper giggling, and Z was just shocked and looked like a deer in headlights. Though, they start laughing with me because I'm straight hysterical laughing on the ground turning red and can't breathe. T was like "Why the hell didn't you expect that? It IS Aeris after all". She has a point, I do tend to do things like that.

Z of all people should know. For April Fool's one year, in a fit of genius engineering, I had his car propped up about 10 feet above ground as part of an archway across the sidewalk in front of his house. Though me and T teamed up the next year and had his car parked in the middle of an animal enclosure at the zoo. God that was funny, because when we showed up to that enclosure, there was a male peacock standing on the car in full display taking a massive shit on the windshield.

Anyways, if any of you get married, I'll be glad to show up and play Ludacris song You's A Ho as the bridal march.

~A.

A song by Justin Timberlake. At least it's not fucking Oasis. Or Jamiroquai or Van Hunt, who seem to be my fav artists to pull from. Kinda wanted a Nate James song, but this one was more fitting. And you're damn right I listen to this song. Listening to it right now. It's a stupid song, trust me I know that. But it's really appropriate for this post.

So here's a topic I haven't touched on here that actually was pretty life and mind changing for me....

That would be my weight. At my fattest, I weighed 251 pounds at 5'9". That gave me a BMI of about 37. Obesity is 30+. HOLY SHIT. I have pics of me from then, and HOLY SHIT. I'm actually still incredibly embarrassed I let myself get so out of control. I can't believe I left the house looking like that. Yeesh.

A huge (harhar) part of the problem was the crushing depression on top of my social anxiety with a side of autism. I am a stress eater and an emotional eater. As you can imagine, I was eating A LOT. In high school I averaged about 150-160 pounds. However, after the arrival of Cy, (first time I've ever mentioned him here, has to do with me being paranoid of weirdos online) my weight skyrocketed. 5 days after he was born, I reached 177 pounds, and that was the lowest I would be for a few years. I was 200 or so for my senior prom. Got down to 190 for the beginning of my first semester of college. Then it just kept going up and up. My weight hit about 250, and it stayed there, I didn't gain anymore, but I sure as shit wasn't losing any either. I hated myself, I knew I was unattractive, I hated leaving the house, couldn't get a date, you get the idea. Which just made me eat more. Some girls can carry extra weight well. Sure isn't (literally) my ass.

I finally reached a point where enough was enough. I was not about to resign myself to a life of obesity and all the lovely health issues that go with it. I knew there was a pretty girl in all that fat somewhere, I just had to go find her. I did, and in record time.

I lost about 80 pounds in 7 months, lost a little more, but then gained some in muscle. I currently sit at about 170. I'm very proud of myself for this. BMI of 25 to 30 is overweight, I'm at 25.1. But BMI doesn't take into account muscle mass, so I'm not too worried. I look pretty damn good thank you. Others seem to think so too, heehee.

I bring all this up because this morning while getting out of the shower, I looked at myself and thought "Hm, I could stand to lose about 10 pounds". Stupid girl crap about being self conscious my hips are too big or whatever. While checking myself out, I realized just how fucking ridiculous that thought was. I felt I needed to lose 10 pounds? I FUCKING LOST 80 FROM MY FATTEST! HELLO AERIS! GET WITH IT! I think I DID lose a few (understatement) pounds. After realizing that, I thought I looked just damn fine thank you very much. Though, I would like my hips to be smaller to make buying clothes a million times easier. They must think women are shaped like planks of wood, yeesh. 

I've always been cocky and a bit egotistical. I still am. What has changed is my personal confidence. I don't try to hide myself as much or avoid going out because I don't want to be seen. (I avoid going out because people are fucking scary.) I walk taller and faster, and don't feel embarrassed about how I look. I dress well, but with my own trademark style...that's slightly bizarre. But very me all the same. I get to wear cute clothes and I wear them well, instead of stretch pants and sweaters or whatever. It's helped me to come out of my shell and pursue new things, plus the nudging of others for me to try new things has helped too.

Also, trying to run at 170 pounds is a hell of a lot different than at 250. A hell of a lot easier, I should say. Hell, WALKING is a brand new experience (and doesn't have me breathing heavy after a few dozen feet).

It still blows my mind. 80 pounds just fucking disappeared. I lost 1/3 of my weight. Holy shit. Unreal.

Sometimes, despite my ego, I manage to impress and amaze myself.

~A.

 Another Oasis song, but it's not one I am super fond of. But the title is bizarrely fitting for this post.

I realized something fucked up last night. REALLY fucked up. I don't usually talk about crap like this here, but I'm going to.

Once upon a time when I was much younger, my dad and I had a toxic relationship. I was always trying to make him accept me and be proud of me. I was always trying to be perfect, hated myself when he got mad at me, there were some alcohol issues in the mix too. He was also emotionally neglectful and distant, hostile a lot, and I spent a lot of time being submissive or subservient out of fear I'd be rejected.

I'm not trying to blast my dad or anything, he is a better man now. Here's what I realized that made me feel literally sick:

That was my relationship with W too.

I mean damn near exactly. More fucked up is I wanted to stay in such a situation, it was a bomb waiting to go off, I knew that...but I couldn't walk away. I'm not even sure how we got to that dynamic.  Actually, my whole relationship with W confuses me, but that's another story (post). I'm not saying he's a bad person either, it wasn't always like that. However, it became toxic as fuck when it did. When I look back, which is a lot harder to do than I thought, I can see shit started going south when we took on those roles. And it became very hard to change after a while...

I don't always find great things when I do a little self analysis. I was looking for how I can be a better person from this, what did I learn, what can I learn? Then I found that mess, and I'm really ashamed of that, that I let a situation get there, that I stayed in such a situation for so long...that either of us did. We're both WAY smarter than that, but somewhere something fell off track...I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I WILL learn what I can though and go forward.

That being said, sometimes you gotta get a little immaturity out of your system. So there's this website both he and I used to frequent rather often. After one major fight, I stopped going there and let it be his turf because it was a nasty fight and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable with me there when we're mad at each other. Well, we're not friends or anything anymore, so I went back. He's a mod, and he kept changing the passwords on my accounts and shit so I couldn't log on once he realized I'd started coming back. Didn't even say anything to or about him, was debating someone who I used to debate frequently that had nothing to do with him. I was just ignoring him, really. I treated the situation as like he was just some mod and I was just some participant and we did not know each other beyond that.

He kept doing this, and I started saying hey, leave me alone, it's not about you, I owe you nothing, I'm leaving you alone stop bullying me, etc. He still kept fucking up my accounts. So, I started creating them one right after the other leaving random posts telling him to fuck off, leave me alone, stop bullying me, I don't give a shit about him or who he is offline. He was deleting my posts and changing my passwords at this point, so I just started making accounts and leaving little hostile comments all over the place he had to delete and then he had to disable my account. Thanks to my shiny new phone, it made creating valid emails to use to sign up for new accounts really quick and easy. Was that immature of me? Hell yeah it was. I tried taking the high road, but he wanted to play in the gutter. So I pulled that immature stunt. I told him I wasn't ever going to leave, so he better just knock off cause I can do this all day. The nifty thing is he can't ban me because I'm connecting using my phone, so I can connect through the phone towers or wifi//VPNs etc. I was being a pain in the ass, sure. I was being immature, sure. It was fun. Appeal is kinda over though. The only way I can keep getting to him is to start making it really personal on a public forum, and I can't go there. I still care about him, and I still have a certain level of respect for him. He taught me a lot of things about life and myself that made me a stronger better person. I still think he's a fucking ass though. Try and make sense of that. I can't.

I don't look back in anger though. I don't look back at everything and be mad he did this or I did that. There were a lot of good things that came from our time together, and it's those that I focus on and remember. I only look at the bad things to try and figure out what I can do better, or how things got there. I'd be a fucking moron if I didn't try and grow. Isn't that the point?  Even after he's left my life...he's still teaching me a thing or two. That makes me smile while I curse him name under my breath. Of course, he usually would make me smile while I cursed his name under my breath, so there's nothing new there. Ha!

I tend to gloss over negative crap in my life on my blog if I don't avoid the topics completely. I'm going to start breaking that. This may make some of these posts hard to read, and hell, hard to write. I think it's important though to really portray my thoughts and who I am. this blog tends to make me look rather inane, but I'm far more dynamic and complicated than that. I feel like I should start expressing that, so I'm going to. It's my blog anyways. :P

~A.

Gas Panic, Oasis. I only like this song because I can relate to what the lyrics say, despite what it was written about. It was written about being strung out on drugs, which is NOT a problem I have. But it's awfully similar to what having really nasty social anxiety feels like. My family DOES feels like strangers more often than not. I get really bad anxiety having to vocally communicate with anyone, doesn't matter who. I prefer to use self checkout to avoid having to say hi or make small talk with a cashier. It takes me about 30-45 minutes to conquer the anxiety to the point where I can make a phone call....to my own parents. Hell, talking to my mom face to face is hard. I hate making eye contact with anyone, even if they smile at me. I dunno, that's just my world, I guess. I'm not unhappy with it that way, I'm unhappy with people who want to make me change it. I like a solitary life. I only have to deal with my own bullshit, and I know how to do that.

My whole world is weird like that. Doesn't make sense to anyone BUT me. You really can't apply most rules and ideas to my world. I still don't know if that is good or bad. It just is. Kinda like me.

Today was my first day of school with my Droid...and there's ONE feature I miss on my Q9M my Droid doesn't have...extended battery. My Q EASILY lasted me all day and even until bed time on one charge, Droid...not so much. Probably doesn't help I keep playing with the damn thing. I was listening to music, reading wikipedia, texting/emailing my bro and trolling a website all at once. Awesome phone is awesome. Big Red (AKA Verizon) is ballsy enough to put this phone up against ATT's iPhone (iDont as the commercials said, to quote, "everything iDont, Droid does" ha!) and damned if they didn't make a hell of a choice to do so. This phone is a hell of a lot better in real use than on paper. I'm impressed, and I love the damn thing to death. Plus I'm not dealing with my freezing crashing Q anymore. Every single one of my email addresses goes straight to my phone, which is nice.

I want this semester to be over. It's been so stressful it sucks. It's been all the personal life shit that's brought me down. Kinda wish I didn't have a personal life. I'd love to be just school school school school. I'd be happy that way, focusing on nothing but studying and classes. The more I experience of other people, the less I like the idea. That's when I feel most at peace, is when I am completely alone somewhere quiet.

The world's a crazy place. Sometimes I don't want to be part of it. Now is one of those times. I just want to be alone. No one gets it, no one understands me. I'm tired of trying to explain myself to people, to get the point across my world is nothing like yours and never will be so you can't apply those things to me. Fed up with trying to explain my existence to others. Sartre - "Hell is other people". No shit.

I'll end with a quote:

"Because while the truncheon may be used in lieu of conversation, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning, and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth."

All I have are words.

~A.

Robin Thicke - I'm A Be Alright

Ok, so that article, if you didn't read it, well, you're a slacker for one. Two part of the post may not make sense. But that's on you! :P

So, they want to remove the diagnosis of Asperger's from the diagnostic manual. I think the reasons why are solid, as far as only some people qualify for help or even if their insurance will pay for doctor visits just based on whether it's "pure" autism or Asperger's or whatever. I'm with that. I think that's a great idea.

But I kind of see the whole Asperger's identity thing. It does have its own little quirky community. I mean, fuck, to an extent it defines me. Also, I deal with this as it is, but I don't want to be assumed to be or treated as those who have really severe autism since we'd all be under the same umbrella. The stereotypes are not exactly positive. And people seem to understand what Asperger's means, that you're autistic, but normal/high functioning. If I say I have autism I get weird looks, but pretty often once I explain it's Asperger's they understand what that means.

I know Asperger's isn't going away immediately and people will still identify as such. Especially since autistics don't like when things change. :P But it's quite possible in my lifetime I will see the term mostly eradicated as it is currently used and the prevalence of such usage.

I'll still be me and do what I do, it's not like I'm going to change along with it. (Don't like change. :P) It's still part of my identity though. However, at the end of it all, the reason for changing it and who it would help is far more important. It still makes for curious thoughts though about myself though and the words I use to define myself and my world.

Ok, seriously, my phone, AWESOME. I'm listening to music, text messaging and writing this. And the sound through my headphones is WAY better than on the Q. I'm hearing things I didn't know were in songs. :P All my email goes to my phone too, as well as Thunderbird on both my laptop and my netbook. I'm really impressed. I was concerned a bit about the touch screen, when I've looked at other touch screen phones, I had major issues figuring it out and the screen didn't seem very responsive. This thing, whoa. It's smooth, responds immediately, easy to use, so thumbs up. Very thrilled.

My brother is coming for Thanksgiving in a couple of weeks, and he has the iPhone. I kinda want to compare them...

Homework to finish, so later!

~A.