Primordial Chaos

Supposedly a week from tomorrow come the transfer decisions that I'm all worked up about. They had to delay first year decisions, hopefully not transfers too. Starting to get a little crazy, lol. All these scenarios I keep running through my mind...arghhhhh. Been hanging out on this forum going crazy with other people going through the same thing for the same school. They think my forum name is clever, I keep getting compliments about it. I'll tell what it is once decisions come out, considering all the venting I do there, I think I should probably not have it linked to me in any way until then. :P That and some people don't know where I applied to, and I wanna keep it that way until I decide what I'm doing.

I also haven't yet figured out how to tell people if I do get in. Or who to tell first. Part of me says I should call and tell people, but I'm kinda a terrible talker. I could just post it here, and let people come to me. :P This is a big deal to me, and I want to make sure it is all done right and I am comfortable with how things go down. Of course, if I don't get in I don't have to worry about all of this. :P

So, I just got my scholarship award package from UNM for Fall 2010/spring 2011. $23k for the year. Those honors seem to pay off, apparently. :P Or they're trying to get me to stay. But most of my scholarships transfer with me, and I think I can pull off a full ride, even with out of state tuition, somewhere else. Please let decisions be soon, jesus. I hate this purgatory holding pattern I'm in. That and the overwhelming self doubt I'm going through. :( The closer we get to the 8th, the more insane I'm gonna get and the more and more that's all I'm gonna talk about. I think I have something amazing to offer, I hope they think so too.

I just had to vent about the transfer crap, that's all. :)

~A.

FRIDAY APRIL 2ND IS WORLD AUTISM AWARENESS DAY. So, go get a ribbon or something. Or hell, stop and think of me and my struggle and how much I've accomplished in spite of it. You could go read an article or some research about it. Donate a dollar to a charity. Whatever, just take a minute and put it at the forefront of your mind.



So, I called the lady who hit me and she said she'd call her insurance this morning, she didn't. Got the estimate from her insurance company today, 1300 bucks. They're gonna send a rep to her house if she doesn't call soon. Blue could have been fixed by now. :( I got that I'm dealing with, fucking neurologist appointment coming up that's gonna be hell until then, 3 tests, application decisions...ARGH. Feeling stressed out.

Speaking of stress, if a week goes by me and Warren don't bump heads, then we must not have spoken to each other for a week. :P That's what I get for associating with someone as bull-headed and stubborn as myself. Whatever, I'm usually right. ;) Of course, my dad is like that too, I know where I got it from. He's usually right though. :P I like people that challenge me and my thoughts. Good way to teach me things. You'll piss me off, but it never lasts long. I always come back for more, lol.

I've been hanging out on forums with other students trying to transfer, and I've had some pretty good discussions with them about the whole transfer thing. A few are trying to transfer where I am, so we've banded together about the stress and waiting and the school itself and how whoever from the group gets in will have the others as friends there already. It's nice to not feel so damn alone. These people get why I'm all edgy and weird, everyone else thinks I'm being silly. This is intense, putting yourself up for scrutiny and there's a chance you get rejected. I've already convinced myself I'll be rejected from my first choice, so if I am, it'll just justify my stupid mindset.

That being said, I don't think they'll forget my application. There's 2 essays on there that leave a hell of a mark. They don't glorify how good I am at this or that, they're not show-offy, they're not the typical OMG I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME BEST STUDENT EVER type of admissions essay. They're unusually raw, and unusually personal. My habit of ending everything I write with a parting line that grabs your attention also pops up in the essays. The one that is more of a personal history has a great one that's hard to just skim over. "Most importantly I need to prove this: I have autism but it does not have me." I mean, fucking really. I love that line. Isn't that the kind of spirit you want in a student? It's definitely a display of what my spirit is, spiritual strength isn't tattooed on my right arm FOREVER for no damn reason. The other essay ends with a line (well, two sentences, but you get what I mean by line) about my curiosity. "To me, it seems like there are plenty on the beaten path. Instead, I want to know what's behind those trees over there, and I'm going to go look." It leaves you mid-thought, like the essay isn't finished. Like there's more to it, more to come. You kinda wanna know well, what the fuck IS behind those tress, what happens, what does she find? Is it a bear? Nothing? rotten fruit? An acceptance letter? (Please let it be the last one, I don't want a bear or rotten fruit. :P)

 I don't know where the fuck I got that habit of how I end things I write with a semi-snazzy parting line that leaves an impression, or tries to. I do it on blog posts, I do it at school, I do it in my personal writing...it's just part of my style, I guess. I think in this case, it will be helpful in my standing out. That, and my writing in general is pretty, erm, distinct. This is my medium, I am a master of the written word. This is how I communicate. I can't talk for shit. I'm leaning HARD on my writing skills and memorable (I hope) essays to make me stand out. The being "black" helps too, schools want diversity. Hey look, an autistic minority female, bet we don't have one of those! Well, hopefully, you do now. ;) 9% of autism cases are blacks, the rate is 1 in 98 people are autistic, and 1 out of every 5 people with autism is female. Guess what? We're gonna do some math! (Someone help my dad, he's probably fainted I'm doing math again. :P)

307 million people in the US, 6.5% are black. That leaves us with: 20 million darkies. 2.7 million darkies go to college, so the ratio is 13.5% go to college. (I love the word darkies, it's fun to say.) 338 thousand cases of autism in the US, 9% are darkies: 30,420 autistic darkies. One out of 5 is female so: 6084 autistic darkie females. Doing some dirty speculating for some really rough estimates (somewhere a stats teacher is having a heart attack) and applying the 13.5% go to college to the autistics darkie girls: 822 autistic darkie females in college. Now, about 50% of autistics do not have language skills to function alone (or in college) so now we're at 411. Let's back up and go more precise, 2.7 million darkies and .6 out of every 1000 people have Asperger's. 1620 darkies with Asperger's. 1 out of every 5 is female so: 324. 20% "grow out of" Asperger's, so 260 are left. 13.5% go to college: 35 darkie girls with Asperger's in college.

Don't even start with me on how dirty the math is. I know it is dirty, I did all kinds of rounding and speculating. But it's a decent rough estimate to make my point. I AM FUCKING SPECIAL! :D The rate for Asperger's in biracials is actually lower than that of blacks, BUT, I'm black on my college apps, so I used those numbers. :P I actually looked up all those numbers and did all that math just to write that fucking paragraph to make a not all that important point. You all knew I was special, I don't need to prove it. :)

However, I learned something while looking for those percentages and stuff. Some studies have shown an increased rate of epilepsy in those with Asperger's. Aw, fuck me. I can't catch a break, can I? That sucks. :( Another factor that could be adding to my seizure issues. No way to figure out EXACTLY what is going on, it seems like.

But listen to me. Look at all the shit I have to fight through, the hills I have to climb, look at how NOT easy I have it. Then look at what I've accomplished out of sheer will and determination. Look at how badass I am, how strong I am in all regards. Don't feel sorry for me, cheer for me. Lesser persons would not have gotten as far as I have if anywhere at all. Don't feel sad I have all this extra bullshit to deal with. Feel happy that I am kicking ass all over the place, academically and in dark parking lots, in spite of it all. Be impressed that it can't stop me and that I only do better the harder the road gets. Pity doesn't help me. Rooting for me does. :)

And don't worry, I have much more impressing to do. You're not done being amazed.

~A.

Another title pulled from Dr. Seuss, gotta try new things. :) I've been in a ranting mood lately. Probably all the stress built up waiting for decisions. Where to start...

My hair. I have that typical biracial ringlets hair. They are a bitch to care for. (No wonder I cut my hair all the fucking time.) However, I am determined to grow my hair out. So, I decided to browse through the magic of Google some biracial hairstyles, maybe find something easy to maintain or that I like. Basically, all the pics were like fro, fro, cornrows, cornrows and fro, cornrows, fro, fro, out of control fro, hair weave, relaxer, relaxer and more fro. So I guess my options are limited. My hair gets so damn out of control that a fro would be very high maintenance, like were talking at least a couple of hours a day. Hell no. I don't want to go with the cornrows because my hair is fine so they don't stay. Which means hours redoing the fucking things, so more hell no. Relaxer is out because I like my curly hair and want my hair curly. I am not black enough to get a weave, thank you very much. I'm not paying hundreds of dollars to sit in a chair for TEN HOURS while my hair is put into cornrows and then extensions sewn on to them. First, because of my before mentioned issues with cornrows, that mess would need to be redone rather frequently. Second, I don't want a heavy fur coat on my head, especially during summer. There are businesses that do LOANS so people can get their hair done because it can run up to and well over 800 bucks. WHAT THE FUCK. Taking out a loan to do your hair? Holy shit! Check your fucking priorities!

I've found a solution after 26 years of arguing with my fro. Basically it involves relaxer. Yes I know what I said up there, but listen. I only leave it on long enough to relax the curls a bit, not make it straight. Like if I had big curls instead of the tiny ones. Also, because the growth grows out curly and I WANT curly, I only have to do it like every 6 months, maybe. 5 mins, rinse out and I can manage my hair. This also keeps my hair wash and go easy to do. Hell, because curly hair is naturally kinda dried out plus throw in some blackness, I only put shampoo in my hair once a week. Monday, Wednesday, Friday I co-wash, meaning conditioner wash where you just put in and rinse out conditioner, the other days are water only. I also sleep with a satin cap on my head to keep my pillow from absorbing oils from my hair plus to keep the back of my head from tangling and getting little knots in it. So, I'm already doing special upkeep, I don't want more. However, it pays off because my hair is always soft, never greasy and never out of control. I can work with that. Of course, it's short right now. We'll see how I feel when it gets longer. Speaking of, ever since I stopped taking biotin my hair is growing slow as hell. I shaved my head once, then it grew to my shoulders from October to May/June. I shaved it again in September, it's end of March and still not out of so short it looks like a fro mode, not even over my ears when curly. Guess I should go back to biotin :P.

So, there's this thing where you can have your blog turned into a book. I, being curious, entered in mine to see how many pages it would be. In a compacted mode maximizing use of space, smaller pictures, etc. it's 287 pages. HO-LY SHIT! I write A LOT! That means you guys read a lot too! It's good for ya, keeps ya smart. I just thought I'd mention that because, seriously, that's a lot of writing. It's like 14.95 for a 20 page soft cover, 35 cents each extra page. 110 bucks for a soft cover version of my blog. Wild.

My brother's glass desk SHATTERED all over him yesterday, it was a huge glass top desk. It was insane to see, he put his hands on the keyboard and the glass shattered from there on out. Jess' legs were under the desk, so he got A LOT of cuts, there was glass and blood everywhere. I got him into the bathroom and got the peroxide and cotton balls, had to take care of my little brother! :) Went into his room and started cleaning up the glass while he stopped bleeding, then he came to help. Even brought me a snack to make sure I ate something. We're on much better terms now, we went together and got him a new desk today. Someone took me somewhere! :P

I exist as a contradiction to myself. Well, maybe that's not the right word. Aspects of me conflict or impair other aspects of me. Prime example, since I just got my annual eye exam reminder, I have what's referred to as hawk-eye vision. People with autism have basically vision like birds of prey do, they can hone in on a target rather specifically. I'm no exception, for once, this is what contributes to my bizarrely accurate aim. Basically, my vision is about the same as that reported for birds of prey. Well, when corrected. I have astigmatism in both eyes and a congenital cataract in my left eye. My vision SUCKS in its natural state, I can't read a TV screen from about 10-20 feet away, and everything is really blurry in general. However, I am good at picking up small details at a distance and being able to figure out what they are based on what I can see. I put my glasses on and it's a whole new ball game. My vision with no correction is about 20:40, I can see at 20 feet what "average" vision can see at 40. Ouch. Glasses on, it's 20:10, I can see at 20 feet what "average" can see at 10. I like that better. :P We'll see how much that's changed in the past year, but it's interesting I exist both ways. (Found the abstract: here. )

Another example, my reflexes are great, I'm strong and I'm quick, I run like a fucking gazelle with my long legs. You'd think this would tend me towards a good sense of balance and walking with grace and poise. Fuck no, I am clumsy as all hell. You can check my legs for a week, you will find bruises at the start, and new ones about every damn day. Living in the damn desert dries my skin out, so I put lotion on before bed every night. I found 3 new bruises last night, and a few I hadn't seen before but were starting to fade. I have no idea what the hell they're from. I trip, fall and bump into stuff all the time, so it could be any of those incidents. I look really good standing still. Walking...is another story. I stumble when running, but have never tripped. I can't go a day without tripping at school just walking across campus. There's all kinds of quirks about me like that. I find myself kinda interesting but frustrating that way.

Something that is less interesting and more frustrating is handwriting. I like to handwrite my notes when I take them in class because it's one more exposure to the material. I remember more when I handwrite my notes, something I learned a hard way. Bombed a quiz after taking notes on my netbook. Anyways, the problem being I handwrite slow and it's even worse when I'm trying to pay attention to the lecture so I can take notes and also having to writing the notes. Handwriting is EXTREMELY hard for me, I usually have to use a personal version of shorthand then go back and write them out. It takes a lot of brainpower for me to focus to handwrite something, I have to really concentrate. This makes my many notebooks of handwritten randomness that much more impressive. But I need brainpower to process the material too. :( I only just today thought of using a sound recorder to record the lectures so I can go back and make my notes. God, I'm so oblivious to the obvious. It's a wonder people don't think I'm an idiot because I miss the obvious so much. So I was eying the recording capacity on those little handheld recorders while Jess was desk shopping. After comparing all of them, I smiled. Why? Because Droid does. So, after a quick app install, My Droid is now my sound recorder too. :) And I have over 4 gigs unused on my SD card, more than any of the recorders I saw. This phone is BADASS. So it makes sense I have one. :P

Hopefully I get accepted somewhere humid. :P The climate here dries out the rubber seals on Blue, so when it rains, Blue leaks from the roof because of the removable top. :( It's like a drop every so often but it's annoying. However, I can "fix" this by wiping down my seals with silicone spray then silicone grease, something I did today while giving Blue the usual weekly inspection. After a few minutes, they soak up the silicone stuff and expand back to normal, the grease also protecting them from the weather and such. After thorough testing with the hose, no leaks. :)  Even held the hose right on where the leak usually is for a few minutes, and nothing. Now, I could always have the seals replaced by the dealer. To the tune of $700. Or $10 doing it my way. Hmmmm. Hard choice. :P I like how clever I am. :) I get to use it to be practical. It gives me a feeling of accomplishment when I circumvent bullshit like that.

I'm not doing so bad for myself. I definitely have lots of useful skills. :)

~A.

So I had this rather deeply thought out and written post I was going to post, but it didn't read or feel right. It's exceptionally rare I write something that doesn't flow well, and today I just don't feel like getting that deep in my mind. I'll give it a go another day.

Small rant: So, I got rear ended recently and I'm thinking alright, car getting fixed and it's not on me, Blue will be looking good and ready to go when I transfer schools. Because life isn't that easy, this lady and her husband are ignoring THEIR insurance's (Progressive) phone calls and letters.They haven't gotten her statement so they can't determine liability until they do which means I can't get my fucking car fixed. So now Blue is EVEN MORE damaged than before and these people won't just step up and make this easy. Progressive has been awesome about working with me, the only issue was they didn't call me to let me know this shit was going down. Progressive is going to threaten legal action next week. If they completely shirk this, I have to go through my insurance, Allstate, and use MY coverage and pay MY $400 deductible to get my car fixed, then the body shop goes after the other party to get the money back. If I hadn't gotten comprehensive/collision, I wouldn't even have that option. With GEICO I only had liability, but something told me get the full package when I dropped them like a bad habit, plus it was only a few dollars more than GEICO's liability only. (Fuck you, GEICO.)

So needless to say I'm PISSED. First, they're avoiding their insurance company for whatever reason, I mean, be a goddamn adult. If I had hit someone, I'd be like, yeah, that was my bad, cooperate fully so I'm done with it quickly, and move on with my life. I really wouldn't want my (probably former by then) insurance company suing me for breach of contract. Court isn't the most fun of all places to be. Second, if I have to pay for her fucking mistake, I'll be completely enraged and consider my legal options. Why should I have to pay $400 bucks for her screw up, then wait to get my money back when the shop gets the money from her. IF they get the money from her.

Third, and more abstractly relevant, Blueshift is my chariot of justice. From chasing down assholes throwing drinks on bums to beat downs in parking lots, Blue takes me there. And also gets me the hell out of there. :P (I need these: this shirt and another shirt. That second one is pretty true about me. Easy birthday gifts. :P That and Converse.)

To make my point, in a lot of ways, Blue is a part of my identity. Blue represents the new me, the one who takes everything head on. Blue was kinda the starting point of it all. See, I was looking for a new car, and I didn't see anything I wanted in ABQ, so I checked craigslist in cities where I had people I knew so they could take me to pick up the car or whatever. I was actually looking for another 190e, automatic. I looked for a few weeks everyday many times a day in about 7 cities, didn't find one, so I started looking at other cars I like and even just the list of what was available in general. I checked Tucson, AZ, where I have friends who I just got back from visiting over spring break actually. And I saw Blue, who was one of my fav shades of blue. I could live with a blue car. :P Blue was freshly cleaned in the pics, and in one the xenon lights were on. Blue was quite a bit underpriced (fuck the bluebook, rarity and gas mileage make these hard to find) so I figured someone local had beat me to it, I'd missed the ad somehow for a couple of days. Plus, Blue was a manual, I couldn't drive a stick. Despite this, I tried anyways and emailed the guy. He still had the car! I couldn't drive a stick to get it back here to NM though. :( I told my mom, and she stepped in and took over (as she does...), she was the one communicating with the guy, and she asked me "do you really want this car?" My immediate reply was hell yes I do. So she said she'd drive it back to NM from Tucson, our friends are there so she could visit them too. I was so happy, the guy even held the car for us, but waiting for the day my mom would fly out and bring it back was a bitch because I was so excited. I was even worse once I knew she was driving back. :P

I told all my friends and showed them the pics, and I got a similar reaction from damn near all of them: "you bought a car you can't fucking drive?" Yeah, that point hadn't been forgotten by me. I'd also had a miserable experience trying to learn a stick when I was younger, so ever since it left a bad taste in my mouth and I avoided manual transmissions. I'd backed myself into my own corner, I needed a car to get back and forth from school and such, and I had one, but I couldn't drive it. So I HAD to learn to drive a stick. I had no other option. Sometimes, this is the only way to get me to do something. Even I know this. :P Blue was sitting in the driveway, and all I could do was sit in the fucking car. The weather was nice, couldn't even take the top down and go for a drive.

My mom drove Blue while I drove her car until I learned a stick. It wasn't until the next weekend till she could take me somewhere and show me how to do it. We went out to the mall parking lot, during the day, and I got a brief speech and then she was like "try it". It was a bumpy, literally, start. Going from a stop to first gear was terrible...but going from first to second was really smooth. My mom was kinda surprised, but I guess once I got going it was easier. We were there for an hour, then went home. I'd "driven" Blue! I felt at ease when behind the wheel, wasn't all nervous like I thought I'd be. The going from first to second smoothly gave me some confidence. One night, I slipped out late, and was going to drive, sorta, around the neighborhood. I could only get to second but wouldn't need much more than that in the neighborhood. This area is called Paradise HILLS for a reason. I struggle greatly with the hills and stop signs, but I got a little better at driving. I even got to 3rd gear! I was only out for an hour, but I went home and went to bed exhausted.

It's only a couple of nights later I go out again in the middle of the night. However, I drive to this business that is right across the street from my neighborhood. Neighborhood street too, so no worries. This parking lot has a bit of a slant to it. Nothing major, but there's a slope. Since I can't do any slope at this point, I got the idea to go there and practice. I get this loop going, around the parking lot, up the slope to continue my circle, then finishing where I started. I took an hour doing this, and was doing damn well close to the end. I decided to live dangerously, and I got on a major street that forms one boundary of the neighborhood. Of course, it's 2 am and no one is out, so not very dangerously. I get so excited because it feels like I'm doing something I'm not supposed to, I shouldn't be on major streets. I went maybe half a mile on that road then went home. Progress!

Later that week I take my 4th, and what winds up being my final, practice hour. I start off in the neighborhood, couple of stalls, but goes really well. I try the streets on hills, and don't do so bad there either. I go on major streets too, and even make my way to where I'd be doing most of my driving, the transit center to pick up the crosstown bus and ride my 15 miles to school. I drive there, and I drive more on the major streets, and then I drive home after just over an hour never having to go beyond 3rd gear. I get in the driveway and turn off the car, but don't get out. The nights were very pleasant and not chilly, so I had my top down. I look up at the stars and the moon shining on me and I felt pretty good that I am learning how to conquer something I heavily avoided. This Aeris was fearless. A conquistadora of herself and the world around her. Or with her bright eyes and eager smile, conquistadorable. :P (that is actually a nickname of mine, I get lots of nicknames, lol)

I was no longer intimidated by learning to drive a manual, or damn near anything. Supergirl was back, and she was grown up and BADASS. I turn my car on, and leave the house, make my way on a major street, just cruising, even have my music on and turned up a little. Feeling pretty damn good and badass while driving around, so I make my way to one of the streets that crosses the river, Paseo Del Norte. This is basically like a highway, speed limit is 60. I'd have to go all the way to 5th for that! But I'm Supergirl, and I am BAD. ASS. I get on and speed up, getting up to 65 and feeling seriously like I did something I wasn't supposed to. Nevermind I'm a grown ass woman driving her own car and could go where she pleased, there was still that feeling of being a noob who shouldn't be running with the big boys, especially not in that tiny little car. But fuck that, I was out there, music up louder than before and wind going through my hair...and I was in 5th gear. I'd conquered this. I'd tamed this horse.

Blue was now MY car, and my mom went back to driving hers. I still had a few stall outs at lights for a couple of weeks and super steep hills were a challenge too. After about a month, stall outs happened maybe once a week, if at all. I learned how to drive a stick in a total of 4 hours. Which made me smile because that's my lucky/favorite number. I have days where I stall it out, miss gears, etc. like all fucking day, then weeks of nothing. Just off days, I guess.

So over time I've cleaned up Blue, floormats, seats, LED instrument panel lights (in blue of course), AERIS in chrome on my rear driver's side, a good wash and hand wax once a week and I also check fluids, belts, tire tread, brakes, air filter and fuses then too. Hell, because I'm in the desert I even “moisturize” my rubber and seals so they last longer. It's just silicone spray and silicone grease, but like anyone fucking does that. I, being clever and able, went to Autozone and bought the Haynes guide for my car, since I didn't know where things were or what they did and I like knowing my damn car. I do Blue's oil changes.  Yes, I get under my damn car and change my own fucking oil. Cause I'm badass. For the cost of taking it somewhere to get it done with cheap stuff, I do it on my own, use the high end primo oil and filter and still save a few bucks. Plus it's kinda fun to do it, it's easy as hell and you feel accomplished afterwards. I took Blue in for tire rotation, and they checked my fluids and shit for more things to charge me for probably and the guy asked where did I get my oil changes that used the good stuff because he'd like to take his tricked out car there. I look him in the eye and tell him I did the damn oil change. Guys do not expect things like this from me. I loved the look of shock on his face. He said “You can do that?” and I just said there's not much I can't do and winked. He gave me a discount on the rotation and alignment just for being such a “cool ass girl”. The guy actually made it a permanent discount, so I always get 30% off anything, tires, rims, repairs, whatever. Just for being a woman who isn't clueless or helpless. Sucks to not be me. :P

Obviously, Blue is WELL cared for by me. That car will last forever. I also love driving that car, considering since late September I've put...14k miles on it. We recently just ticked over 170k miles on the odometer. I love that damn car. And now some bitch fucked up Blue and is trying to avoid the insurance company. So very angry right now. It's gonna take two or three days to fix Blue according to 2 of the 3 estimates I have, the 3rd one is on Tuesday. I swear, if I have to pay for it, all hell will be breaking loose. This could have been over already. It's been 9 days since she hit me. I have her cell phone number, she's ignoring my calls too. Her beat up black primered retired Crown Vic isn't even worth worrying about. Blue is a clean, sleek, slick looking car, been repainted less than a year before I got it...and now this. I have this grandiose daydream of driving into my new town and to my new school turning heads, Blue in top condition, shining with a fresh wax job and me with my curly hair blowing in the wind and a smile because this school doesn't know what they're in for. Notice I didn't say Blue looking like I'd been playing bumper cars. Can't imagine why I didn't say that, oh right BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT.

I know it seems vain and selfish to get so huffy about what my car looks like. But like I said, that was my first step to getting my old self back, that was my burst of confidence I needed. That car is a symbol of all that, of the beginning of getting my shit in gear. It's like a trophy. You'd probably be pretty pissed of someone took a hammer to a prized trophy. It's like that.

So Blue needs to shine brightly, for me more than anyone else. But Blue needs to shine brightly for other people too, so they take heed. It's taken me quite a few hours to fix everything and get it all straightened out, but because Blue needs to shine, the xenons are returning. :) There's still some wiring to finish and I gotta figure out why the horn was wired to the lights and get that back to where it should be, going to get the same bulbs I had when I bought the car...but they'll be back. Shitty drivers and people on the phone not paying attention and almost hitting me cause my car is so small, that's your only warning. At least until you get hit with light in your eyes and behind you is a small blue car whose front end looks like it's smiling and its engine purring happily and a cute young woman whose front end looks like she's pissed and her engine is cursing your name for being on the fucking phone in an SUV and almost running into her without even noticing.

I totally hadn't intended for this to be all about Blue, guess the other part will be another post. But hey, I write well, it reads smooth and think about what I wrote about, I make everyday shit look interesting.

Because it is. :)

~A.

I haven't been posting very regularly, busy with school is part of it, but I also can't keep a train of thought because I'm not super happy right now. I have a shitload of topics I want to cover that I've noted, and gained more after watching the movie "Adam". But something else is overriding all of that.

Here's the fucking deal. I've been pariahed by just about everyone I know. Because of the fucking seizures. My acquaintances, referred to as such because they're obviously NOT friends, don't want me hanging out with them. Not getting lunch, not going to a movie or a concert, nothing. If I hear "It's nothing personal, but just in case" one more motherfucking time I'm going to lose my shit. I try explaining as long as I eat every couple of hours I'm fine, but no. So my social life has been reduced to me reading, studying and sleeping with my extra time. ALONE.

My mom doesn't want to go shopping with me and doesn't want me to drive. If I'm gone for more than 30 minutes she starts worrying. I got separated from her and our friends both at the street fair and IKEA while we were in Tucson. She worried I'd seized both times. I understand her pelvis is STILL messed up from the accident that happened a year and a half ago and she likes to look at everything, but goddammit I don't want to walk that slow. I like to bypass what doesn't catch my eye and head for things that do. In the IKEA case, it was lights and lamps which then led me to the candles and lucky bamboo where I remained because everyone HAD to pass that section to get out. That and I was totally entranced by bamboo and candles. My mom had asked store employees if they knew of any one having a seizure in the store while she got our friends all worried by being irrational and they started looking for me. Now, my mom knows I am easily distracted by plants (I love bamboo for some reason), lights, and candles (unlit)...but ESPECIALLY fountains. They one of those little water feature fountains set up with bamboo as a display so I was having an autistic moment and fucking around with the fountain just enjoying the sound of the water and watching it fall down the fountain. My mother KNOWS this because I wander off because of it when we go shopping and she gets pissed off. She never looked for me in either of the departments.

My brother doesn't want to go places with me, like anywhere, not even the store, because I might seize. More and more am I becoming a second class citizen that is being pushed out of her circles of people.

Listen the fuck up. Again, as long as I eat, I have about the same chance of seizing AS ANYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET. Hell, any one of them could be the one who seizes. Which I'm starting to wish would happen so they can know what their behavior feels like. Let's see how they like being treated like you're broken or tainted or bad luck or whatever.

That whole "well we're concerned you might seize" is an excuse for shitty behavior. If I hadn't of been shoved into isolation, or if someone would fucking listen to me, MAYBE they would know about the whole blood sugar thing. I always carry something, usually fruit snacks or the fruit roll ups made from just fruit, so that doesn't happen. But I'm still being exiled and treated like less than what I am. Here I am, kicking ass at school, kicking criminal ass in parking lots, made amends with Warren, starting to be social and going out and exploring new things, getting and staying in shape....then THIS to piss on my parade. I'm not any less Aeris than I was before. I'm not some incident waiting to happen. Well, ok, I'm not a seizure incident waiting to happen and fuck up an outing.

You know what's REALLY fucked up? I have only 4 people who stood, and still stand, by me without question, without treating me different, without shunning me. My family in OK, and Warren. All of whom DO NOT LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR ME. So I guess I'm back to being alone, which makes me wonder why I bothered.

My attitude now to all of you in ABQ who no longer see me as an ally and instead choose to ignore me, not listen to me, and pariah me, well...

Fuck you and go have a seizure. Assholes. 

~A.

My mom took me makeup shopping today, she said to make me more "presentable". She's been watching a lot of reality TV fashion/style/makeover type shows, I'm thinking she's projecting on to me. I decided I'll wear the damn makeup, but I'm calling it war paint. That's gonna surprise no one that I'd call it war paint. :P

So I forgot my meds over my long weekend in Tucson, and now my body is all fucked up. It's a lot better today than yesterday though. Except the birth control pills I take so my uterus doesn't try to bleed me out every month are those where you take them for 3 weeks, then off a week to have your period. Well, being off them for 5 days signaled for my estrogen kitchen to start cooking up muff marinara. For the second time in 2 weeks. This sucks.

I saw one of the guys from the Lobos b-ball team today while walking between classes. I gave him a high five. Season's over, but it was one hell of a ride. :)

Just over two weeks and I should hear back from my first choice school and oh my god am I stressing over it.  I'm so hoping I'm good enough, but I don't think I am. :( I'll be glad when this is over, even if it means I'm heartbroken. I'm always heartbroken so nothing new, ha.

I had a bunch of things I wanted to say, but they're all escaping me now that I sat down to write. Argh. So this post ends here I guess.

~A.

Yeesh, it's been  few days since my last post, there's all kinds of shit to say...I'll try and keep this post under control.

Rewind to Thursday. The plan was I go to my doc appointment then me and my mom leave for Tucson right after. Well, I never made it to my doc because I got rear ended on my way there by some ditzy woman from India. So, now Blueshift looks like a beat up mess, BUT this also means the other person has to fix my car. This includes the previous damage on my rear bumper since she superseded that by thoroughly fucking my whole rear bumper. So, despite the fact Blueshift is beat up, I'm not TOO mad because my car gets fixed and I'm not on the hook for it. :P But I did miss my doc appointment and had to reschedule, but that's not a major deal. I'm fine, no injuries. So all in all a "good" thing I got rear ended. I'd joked to my mom about how someone should rear end me so my bumper gets fixed, and lo and behold. :P We left for Tucson once I got done calling both insurance companies.

My weekend in Tucson was fun. I hadn't seen Dan and Bert for a year or so, and they were amazed at how good I look. :) We basically ate and drank all weekend with some shopping here and there. At IKEA I bought some candles that are baby blue, and I also bought four 16 inch length stalks of lucky bamboo, and they are in a vase that has these plastic rocks that are one of the colors of my first choice college I applied to. :) I figured I could use a little luck getting in! My mom bought me some booze, peach vodka, my favorite French Riesling wine, and a French mixed liqueur that's bright pink but really good. Currently sipping on a screwdriver made from the vodka. :P Saturday night, my last night there, we all got drunk and watched Rocky Horror Picture Show. That was wild. I also had an In N Out burger, my first one since I'd left Cali. God those are so good. One of Dan and Bert's dogs, who briefly stayed with us here in ABQ after being rescued and before going to Tucson, latched on to me like stink on shit. He'd go into the bedroom where I was sleeping and try and wake me up to play with him. He's a mini Schnauzer named Lucciano (AKA Lucci) and he just fell in love with me. It was a running joke all weekend. I had a good time in AZ. It was nice to get the hell out of ABQ.

I also checked into U of AZ while there, and they have a cognitive science major for undergrad. I know people there in AZ, another family friend Paul lives in Phoenix, Dan and Bert in Tucson, and a few other people I know from my travels so I'm heavily considering that as my backup school if I don't get into choice #1. Which I'm not really expecting to at this point, I keep comparing myself to other transfer applicants who applied and post on this forum I hang out on, and I don't compare academically. I know they can't touch me on my essays, but those alone won't get me in. Supposedly, 2 weeks from Thursday I will know if I got in or not, the evening of April 8th is the tentative decision date. As you can imagine, I'm so fucking edgy every day closer we get to then.

My mom had surgery on one of her finger joints that was leaking joint fluid and I was the lucky one who had to get up at 5 am to go with her since she couldn't drive home after the anesthesia. I'd spent all day Sunday traveling back from Tucson, got home late evening, had to run errands and get shit together for the week and didn't get to bed till 11 or so. I was TIRED when I got up at 5 am. I'd slept shitty all weekend because I have problems sleeping in unfamiliar places, an issue compounded by sharing a room with my mother who snores very VERY loudly, being cold every night because there wasn't enough blankets, and not being able to sleep in my underwear because my mom was in the room. I came home from class today and slept for a few hours. I needed it. I'm still not caught up on sleep though. It's almost 11 here and I'm kinda tired, this screwdriver is also helping me along that path too, lol.

So, now that I might actually want to be seen in a swimsuit, it's that time of year to start looking for new one since I now do not own a suit that fits. Since I wear a medium/size 8, lots of the cuter, more stylish suits come in my size. The problem being, most of these suits are a little too revealing and not MY style. Obviously girls who wear these just lay by the pool, because you can't swim in these fucking things. I, being the avid swimmer I am, would much prefer something I could swim in without everyone seeing more of me than I'd like to show but also without wearing something that is like swimming in a muumuu. Still looking for something that is very me. I love the warm weather, I want Blue fixed up so I can drive with the top down.

Ok, I'm kinda tipsy, I have a 9:30 am class so I'm going to end this right here since I've covered the major things I wanted to say.

Much love to all of you,

~A.

 Kanye West ft Lupe Fiasco - Touch the Sky. This song is what introduced me to Lupe Fiasco and he's my fav hip hop/rap artist. He doesn't sing about bitches in the club or how street he is by dealing drugs. He does address drugs, but he's a rapper who raps about social issues.

Touch The Sky (edited)


I just found out Lupe did a song for that god damn Twilight bullshit series of movies. And it's so commercialized, now I like the song because it's a hip hop/rock blend, but him doing crap for that sparkly vampire bullshit? I mean, I know he's getting major publicity for his new album by doing it, and I hope that's why he did it instead of selling out. I know sometimes you gotta do crap to get to where you're going, especially in something like the music biz. I'll post my 3 favorite Lupe songs, just cause.

This is one of my favorite Lupe songs because of what it is saying. It's called American Terrorist, and it's basically a commentary on how for very long time white America has been terrorizing the world and even other Americans because of skin color.



So this next song I have a story about, but let me set the song up. People argue what this song is about, most people says AIDS because of all the illness and such references. And they're wrong. Lupe has these songs that personify social issues. The Cool is a gangbanger/crack dealer who got shot and killed but came back as a zombie. All he can do is the same gangster shit he did before, repeating the same phrases and such. A commentary on how trying to chase being "cool" in the streets can fuck up who you are or get you killed. The Game is a personification of drug use and buying/selling, specifically crack.

To get to my point, there's one last personification, The Streets. The ghetto, the hood, poverty, the living conditions, etc. In other words, the way of life in those conditions. She's the wife of The Game, which makes sense. If you're on the streets you're in the game/drugs, if you're in the game/drugs, you're on the streets. So this song, Streets On Fire, is about that. The story I have is me and a friend of mine, who we call Spud, did this song as a duo for a battle of the bands fundraiser for autism research last year. Spud is a white guy, but he can sing, and WELL. Of course he's in college for that so makes sense. I can sing alright, but not like him. Both of us are decent with computer graphics and such. So for our performance, we made this video of The Streets, as a woman and as Lupe describes her and in the background is a ghetto neighborhood that's been left smoldering, no signs of life, the sky is that weird color when you see it through smoke, she's front and center. It looked REALLY good. The video matched up with the song, when "streets are on fire" was sung, The Streets would shoot fire on screen, but it manifested as tissue paper fire on stage in a specific place. (Having friends in theater is nice sometimes. :P) Now, we took everyone off guard, not just with our effects, but our song setup. See, the chorus is sung, then Lupe's rapping for the verses. We did the start of the song, which is sung, like a duo and standing next to each other, even though I was singing more background. So just before when the first verse starts everyone, including our friends, had their eyes on Spud. But *I* step forward a step and rap. Our friends and some other people stood up and there was roaring applause, because holy shit Aeris is rapping, no one was expecting it. So Spud is off to the side during the song to sing, and as I rap I'm moving around dodging the "fire". At the end the chorus is sung 4 times, so what we did was each chorus a wall of "fire" came up, and I was trying to avoid it but get trapped in this square of fire. I hang my head, then there's a puff of smoke where I disappear, but I've just gone off stage. In our video though, you see an animated me held by the throat by The Streets and she's laughing, the idea being she got yet another victim, then she disappears in a burst of animated fire taking me with her.

Very cool, and really only took us like 12 hours total to get the fire, smoke and video done and lined up with the song. We won that shit a few times over, lol. Each award you got was a donation to a charity of your choice, and ours was autism research of course. 1st place, 2nd place etc in each category, i.e. hip hop duo, acoustic solo, acoustic group, etc. had a certain amount of money that would get donated to your charity, the better you did, the more you got and it was paid for by the entry fees and admission fees. We won our category hip hop duo, we won all the best of awards that applied to any category, we won best of show too. We racked up like 2k for our charity. Plus the whole social commentary hip hop, and the fact I was rapping and do so better than I sing I think made the whole event wild. I lost the video we made on a HD that died not 2 months after buying it. :( Ah well, you get the idea. Here's the song:



Last song is about child soldiers. All that really needs to be said.





I took this pic on campus on some time ago, and forgot I had it. While cleaning out my Droid pics, I found it and it resonated with me just like it had before.

I'm not sure if it was intended as a political message, a comment about anarchy maybe, or whatever. It hit a personal chord with me. Mostly because it reminded me I learned that lesson over the past year or so. The only thing stopping me was me, and all because I had this mindset of what I could and could not do. Or even who I could or could not be. As soon as I realized that was horseshit, I took off like a rocket. The hardest, but most important, idea I had to break myself of was that depression is something that's your fault and your problem. That you have to keep it to yourself and suffer alone because no one wants to be burdened with your bullshit. The fuck was I thinking? Previously, I'd requested Wellbutrin as an antidepressant but got put on Celexa because the doc said I didn't really want Wellbutrin. Yeah, that didn't end well. I wound up suicidal off and on and quit Celexa and that doc after maybe 3 months.

April 2nd, 2009. The date is seared into my mind because my life and my self changed that day. I walked into the student health center on campus because I was really struggling, it was my first semester at UNM, I wasn't doing so hot in classes, finals were coming up and I was panicked, and I was mired in the worst depression of my life. So I went in and talked to Dr. Williams, who got it, and got me, right off the bat. I asked for Wellbutrin, and got it. I also made an appointment with my PCP, Dr. Mpoy, who is this charming and entertaining black guy from Africa. I love Dr. Mpoy appointments because they're fun.

Anyways, Wellbutrin did it. SSRIs never did anything good for me, but Wellbutrin works on dopamine to correct a dopamine imbalance. For months I HATED myself for not insisting on it sooner. In about a week it was a brand new me, I was sincerely happy and motivated. I tried to correct as much as I could of my grades, because previously I just felt like giving up, like I couldn't do it. The doc said give it 2 weeks to work, but it worked just about right away, however I gave myself 2 weeks to adjust before making any other life changes. Besides, 2 weeks would be 4/16, and I do like the number 4 :P.

I've never talked about this much here besides maybe vague references. It's, well, personal. It's one of those sorta taboo subjects no one likes to talk about because everyone is sensitive about it. I'm referring to my weight. Depression is a motherfucker. See, my depression was caused by dopamine issues. Guess what stimulates dopamine? Eating. But by doing that you gain weight because you have to eat a lot and often to get a decent effect. My weight was a direct reflection of my battle with depression. I was LOSING. I also was just hurting myself and self destructing. My highest weight was 251. I did NOT wear it well. I was pretty self conscious and extremely self loathing. I weighed 250 on April 2nd. I focused on classes and letting myself get used to the meds for 2 weeks, and told myself to not weigh myself during that time. To just focus on feeling better and getting my shit on lock. On April 16th, 2009, I started an Excel spreadsheet to track my weight, and I decided to start a jog/walk program along with having my personal trainer. I weighed in at 231.9. 18 pounds in 2 weeks. I was encouraged. I hadn't even started working out yet! I was just eating less and was so much more active. Also the Wellbutrin leaves a vile taste in my mouth that took some getting used to so I was eating really lightly there for a while cause otherwise food + that taste = the pukes.

Yesterday was 11 months since I started. Because of the template I used, there's 4 spreadsheets currently. I will hit my one year on my 4th spreadsheet (I like that). There's 5 columns, date, my weight that day, the prediction of what my weight would be based on average loss so far, how much I lost each day, and total loss/gain so far based on the values on just that spreadsheet. I weighed myself every fucking day. I set a goal of 200 pounds by my 26th birthday. I hit 204.9. Close! For all kinds of reasons, like my knees most importantly, I told myself I wouldn't start hardcore running till I hit 180. I did jog/walk still to build up strength though. First day of class last semester was 194.9. Once I got under 200 the loss slowed down a bit. Which was fine and probably best since I had less reserves to use.

I hit 180, 180.3 actually, on October 12th. However, I didn't start running then because Warren and I were having a month long blowout and between that and classes I just didn't have it in me. Didn't care to a large degree. October 15th, Warren and I stopped speaking, he even changed his phone number kind of not speaking. I was completely destroyed. My grades had been sliding, and I had all Cs at the time, which was just about midterms. For those of you who are observant, my running blog started two days later on the 17th. I needed a coping mechanism. It used to be food. I decided this time it would be running, specifically marathon training.

I slowly built up my running strength, and when I started running I felt better mentally. That next Monday I threw myself into running and getting my grades back up. I needed the distractions, but I also needed to keep going. This Aeris doesn't quit. I brought my grades up, ended the semester with a 3.75. Began the new year 164 pounds. Faster and stronger. Smarter. My confidence was obnoxious. But I could back it up. I could run about 15 miles in one stretch with not a lot of issue. Was running about 40-50 miles a WEEK. Still missed Warren. Asshole.

As I lost the weight I started being more social, went to basketball games, got involved on campus, etc. Also started getting A LOT of attention from guys. Confidence got even more ridiculous. But, again, I could back it up. :) Dressed cute but comfortable. Took better care of me all around.

The past 11 months have been wild. I went from an overweight, anti-social girl who struggled to maintain a 3.0 and was still changing majors all the time, to well, Aeris. What Aeris should have been all along. 3.75 GPA last semester, social, outgoing, looking damn fine thank you, knows exactly what she wants to do in life and is headed there like a bullet train, 6x honors, drives a cute car and has a cool phone, has completely reconciled with all of her family especially her brother and dad who are now two of her loudest cheerleaders, makes one hell of a ninja in her running gear, beats bad guys senseless, and smiles quite often, mostly to herself or for no reason in particular. My life, although I have my struggles, is pretty enviable. Even just parts of it are, grades, weight loss, car and so on. But that I got all of that and then some, man, I feel lucky as fuck. A year ago I was EIGHTEEN INCHES bigger around on my torso. Holy shit.

I'm glad I did all the strength training I did to build up my upper body strength and hell lost the weight and got faster movement and reflex-wise. That whole scene with the burglar could have gone a lot worse and I not have much chance. The fact there was two grown ass men who probably could have taken me down, but once I laid into one the other one ran like a bitch, that makes me smile. I'm strong now. Strong enough to scare a career criminal into running away from me. Probably all the other fighting I got myself into helped too. I mean, I got a quarter sized bruise, this guy who was a stocky and a well built grown ass man who is a career criminal, got a broken jaw, 2 black eyes, 4 missing teeth and a few other teeth broken, nose broken, a few swift kicks to the balls from a girl who has rather large leg muscles from running and various other bruises. The fact I HAVE that kind of strength now impresses me. The fact that in a bad situation I came out on top because of it impresses me. I impress myself with my physical strength as well as my mental strength. My brother still high fives me about it and jokes about it. Like he was in the way when I was trying to open the fridge and he said "I'm so sorry please don't hit me!". My brother could probably beat my ass, but I'm glad we're on the same team. It's nice he, without saying it directly, compliments me on being strong and smart. About a year ago he hated me and told me he didn't want me here in ABQ. Now we're close friends like when we were kids.

I've come so far in just a year, hell under a year. There's a reason the white shirt I wear over my running gear says "She's A Fighter".

Cause I'm badass. I don't even think I need to prove it anymore. :)

~A.

Wash Away by Hil St. Soul. Another recent addition to my musical world. What I love about Pandora is starting with a station of a favorite artist and since Pandora plays music similar to that artist (or song) you find all kinds of music you might not have otherwise. I listen to Pandora a lot (like right now) and it's crazy how many more artists I found from the few I started with. Or even songs from artists I would have ignored that I like. Since music is such a big deal to me, I love this. I don't listen to the radio, and without Pandora I'd basically be only be listening to only the music I have, nothing new would get to me. But not only do I get new music, but music similar to stuff I like already! This is my Pandora profile with all my stations and stuff, it also shows what I've liked or disliked or stations I've added recently: http://www.pandora.com/people/valkyrianangel
 
I LOVE this song. I love the idea behind it, I love the sound, her voice, the message...this song got filed in my "Life" music. Music I use to pick me up, keep me going, keep me motivated.


If I had to pick a "college road trip" song for me and my dad, it'd be Curtis Mayfield's Move On Up. My dad introduced me to Curtis, and that song was one of the first 3 in my "Life" music. Use The Force by Jamiroquai and Hidden Charm by Van Hunt are the other 2. Both of which seem really obvious but aren't. Anyways, I used to do a cover of that song when I was playing guitar in bistros around town, and probably still have the sheet music for it. I STRONGLY associate this song with my dad, I think he finally understands me, by and by. :) ( I got teary-eyed writing that. :') < happy cry)

LOBOS! A lot of basketball talk this post. :P The Big Dance starts Thursday, and my Lobos play Montana at 9:40 PM Eastern time. GO LOBOS! Now, I'm not worried about this game in particular but the experience overall. I've been all hyped up about them, they've been in the news a lot, there are people watching us closely. Lobos turned down a reality series about the team even. We have a 3 seed in the tournament, which is GREAT. Because we lost our last game, we got knocked down from a 2 to a 3, but we're just glad to be there! The fact they ranked us so highly seed-wise is a compliment to the team, who are really nice guys. I just hope this whole experience isn't a major mental shock to them and it ends badly.

If I hear another word about John Wall (Kentucky) I'm gonna start putting people's faces into walls. So the dude is a freshman who is playing well on one of the top teams in the country. The hype around him is so fucking bloated. Hey, I'm not saying he isn't good, he is. But, probably because we're not a big name/big conference team, our Darington Hobson, AKA Butter, is basically being ignored beyond normal attention when the Lobos get in the news. The dude is impressive, and from a smaller I've said this before, but he leads our team in rebounds AND points per game by a good bit. Which kinda sounds like a ballhog except he also leads the teams in ASSISTS. He's out on the court leading in rebounds and points per game ALL WHILE SHARING THE BALL SO MUCH HE LEADS IN ASSISTS TOO. Why isn't someone looking at him and being like, holy shit this guy is on it, because that's impressive. He's our star player, but he completely plays as part of the team, you don't see a Lobos game and it looks like Darington Hobson and the Lobos. You just see Lobos.

A lot of these other teams have one guy they rely heavily on and if he's out then they're in trouble. Reading through team infos about how to beat that team, I realized it's A LOT. So and so isn't playing 100 percent yet and that'll mean trouble if he doesn't get there. Or so and so is out with an injury, so this team has to really alter their strategy and lineup after using the same one all season with success. We don't fall apart if one of our guys is out for like foul trouble or something. We might not be 100%, but it's not like we turn into a doormat either. UNM doesn't have the money or prestige like some of these other schools, but for a team predicted to be 5th in our conference of 9 and a conference that is usually derided at that, and for a team who wasn't even predicted to go to the Big Dance's Consolation Tournament the NIT, we're doing pretty damn good thank you. NIT is where the Heels ended up, sadly. National champions to NIT. Hell of a fall from grace.

Our coach wouldn't put names on the jerseys, all you see on the back is the word Lobos and the number because he wanted to foster this idea of working as a team and nothing but. I like that. I don't give a shit who you are (regardless of team), I wanna see how your TEAM plays. Speaking of, people trash our conference, the Mountain West/MWC, regularly. We're not a big name conference with big name basketball teams who have won before, if not multiple times, like Kansas, North Carolina (not so hot this year), Texas, Duke, Syracuse, Kentucky, all of whom have OTHER big name basketball teams they play against in conference play. People seem to think because these other teams play each other both in and out of conference, and they're like the elites of college basketball, the rest aren't experienced with constantly ranked teams. Our conference only has 9 teams, most of the other big name ones are 12-16. We're like the awkward kid everyone picks last and doesn't wanna play ball with, that's really how we're regarded. Out of 9 teams WE SENT 4 TO THE BIG DANCE. It's not like it's UNM and 3 bottom feeder 15/16 seeds. The other seeds are ranked 7, 8, and 11. And us at 3, of course. That is pretty damn good thank you very much. And we don't get much out of conference play because people think we'll be a doormat and not a challenge. I think some people have caught on lately. :)

There are still a lot who haven't. Just about any website doing bracket stuff says UNM is way overrated and was seeded way too high, and we might even not make it past the first game against a 14 seed. If we have an off day, sure we can be out the first round. But to look at our whole season and say that? So we have 7, 8, and 11 seeds we played in the MWC. But we played a little out of conference, quite a few are seeded fucking teams too. It's not like we got all our wins against bottom feeders (there's a few though). NM State, 12 seed, Texas A&M 5 seed and we beat them as a non-ranked team while they were ranked, California 8 seed, I mean there's 347 or so teams, and only 64 go to the Dance. So we've played some decent teams, and some teams who are usually on the ball but had a bad year yet they act like we got a 3 seed by beating the local high school team. Drives me fucking crazy. I hope our guys don't mentally buy into this shit. My point being 1) for me to rant and 2) damn, give out some credit and that goes for our rivals but fellow MWCers too. Some new teams in the mix, teams people who usually go to the Dance have never played. It's all about prestige and money and name recognition. You know what is pretty sobering? These are all just college kids. 18-22 demographic. And think of the fact there are a lot of adults betting a lot of money on these kids and they better goddamn win or that person is out whatever money and now loathes a group of college kids because they didn't win a b-ball game. The hype, the fame and the pressure. It's kinda surreal. Of course, it's psychologically interesting too, which appeals to me.

I said a lot of basketball talk. I even have my two brackets, but I didn't gamble because that seems dirty to basically use your fav team to win money. Whatever. I have two brackets because one is me hardcore dreaming, and the other one is the realistic and based in math and performance bracket.
This basketball thing has been fun as hell. Going to the games and being an asshole is REALLY fun. :P

I wasn't going to write more, but now I am. :P See, I'm a purgatory junior, my fall semester I was a sophomore and my spring semester I'm a junior based solely on credit hours. Depending on where I go to school, I have about 2-2.5 years left, much closer to 2 for most part. 2 years. Guess what you need to do one year before you graduate, as a junior, because your senior year is when you send out applications? THE FUCKING GRE. On top of that, for Psychology there's a subject test GRE too. So I got a year to make sure I'm ready. Thank god I am nerd and kept all my psychology books. :) Now, because the subject part of the GRE was a very recent discovery to me, I get all OH SHIT, and start looking up practice tests and questions to get a feel for what I need to know. At first quick skim through 205 practice questions, I'm thinking I'm fucked, UNM didn't teach me shit, etc. BUT, I went back to read again, and slower so I could write down that area to study.

Seriously, it's BASIC fucking psych questions worded differently and with more complicated vocabulary. For example:

An experimenter who incorrectly rejcts the null hypothesis commits what kind of error?
A) systematic
B) random
C) Type I 
D) false alarm <- wtf? REALLY? that's an answer?
E) fundamental attribution error

First, this is super basic intro stats stuff. (Type I for you who don't know or don't remember basic stats) You can commit a Type I or a Type II. Now, let me show you how the other answers are worded to throw someone off but are blatant bullshit to anyone with a vocabulary. Systematic means there's a system, a method, a plan to it. Since you only judge the hypothesis after the experiment (this seems obvious), and the error had nothing to do with the experiment but the researcher, then this is horseshit. Also, it implies you somehow planned the error as part of your method. The question implies the researcher only made a mistake, so it's not like fudging results or anything. Random, well, I could see someone getting stuck here but if you're applying to graduate school you should really know this. A random error is one that happens, well randomly. This can't really happen in an experiment, especially psych. Even doing a brain scan if something is screwed up or the machine is mis-calibrated or whatever, you see it right then and there and redo the scan at some point. When brain scans are screwy it's really obvious. If you're watching TV and suddenly a random area of your TV goes black, 1) you need a new TV, but 2) you're going to notice a big black square on the screen. It's like that, but not always black squares. Say one of your subjects screws up a questionnaire, random, yes, but that just skews your results. The anomalies within an experiment mess up your data, but if you base your rejection/retention of the hypothesis on the data, your conclusion will correspond with the data. So random is basically saying oh it was an accident, but it couldn't be because the researcher made that decision based off of their data and apparently sucks at stats. Type I is the right answer, and the false alarm answer made me sigh. On an entrance exam to graduate school, this isn't like some high school test. False alarm. Anyone who picks that answer shouldn't be in grad school, that should be automatic rejection. Though if they pick that I can bet they didn't pass the damn thing anyways. Fundamental attribution error, I like this answer A LOT. It's a couple of big words that people have a general idea of the meaning. First glance it looks like, oh, a basic error of attributing something incorrectly. Seems like a probable research kind of fuck up. But, what exactly is the research attributing? Making a decision from the data isn't attributing anything. It's not a feature or function of anything, you didn't make an error assigning something to something, and definitely not something basic if you're analyzing data. You made a mathematical error.

However, I like this question because if you don't remember that in order to reject or retain the null hypothesis, you have to prove it is statistically significant and that's math, this answer has you. But as much as they beat it into your head of how you prove or how others proved something is statistically significant, you should kinda know this. Every psych class at UNM does it. Well, he found this gene for this disorder by proving there's less than a 5% chance of this being an accident, or he proved his hypothesis using the numbers from his data (that kinda screams math at me for some reason), you hear that all damn semester in every damn psych class. What the hell else do you have you can prove with but numbers? I saw all of that bs the first time I read the question. I knew the answer too, but I could have easily weeded things out with a strong vocabulary. I'm not really concerned about the subject test now, I may take it as soon as next fall. It's just basic intro classes questions rewritten with big words. I took a different practice subject test, timed and everything, because I couldn't really believe this. 840/990. 99th percentile. I took another, 850, 99th percentile.

I tend to test HIGHER on tests like the GRE, SAT, ACT, etc. on the actual test because I'm in a completely quiet room, I like the bright lights, I'm at a desk with a pencil in my hand which is nothing new and I'm being left alone. Testing environments make me relax. The standardized type of tests also tend to aim for the status quo, and I'm kinda above that so they tend to be easier.Of course, the school I'm eying doesn't require the subject test but others do and always safe than sorry. Besides, won't hurt me if they see my subject scores, even if I score quite a bit lower because I've got some room for screwing up score wise, lol.

Long post, but hey. Reading is good for you. :)

~A.

 You're Fly by Ryan Leslie. He's new to my musical world, but I love his stuff. This is the song I play almost constantly in my car. Earlier I took a drive with Blue in convertible mode with this song playing loud. At a stoplight this group of guys all pointed out the window at me on the chorus "baby you're fly". :) See, even strangers know what's up. ;) I went with a RED border this time as a nod to my Lobos.

 

I'm completely edgy about the fucking college apps, another part of my life I wish would end already so I can stop stressing out. I am currently of the mindset of I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope I get into to my fav school. I want that SO BAD. But if I don't get in, I'll be heartbroken (what fucking else is new, jesus) and surly for a few days. Once I get over that, I'll pick myself up, wipe away the tears, dust myself off and scream at the top of my lungs....

I AM A LOBO!!!!

Yeah, it's very all or nothing. Either I go to my first choice or I stay here. I'm a Lobos basketball fan either way, fuck the new school, I'm only there for academics.

This is about to get sappy. REALLY sappy. Just saying.

So if I do go to a new school, that means moving. Far away. Setting up brand new in a town I don't know and people I don't know. Kinda daunting, I'm not sure what I'll need to get started, and I'm intending to start with not much and get rid of some of the crap I have now. My guitar, the table I talked my mom into giving me because it's cool, my assorted electronics (no TV though figured just get one there so I don't have to drag it cross country), my assorted toiletries, my clothes which will be greatly reduced because I'm still sorting out shit that doesn't fit anymore and we're talking one box kind of reduced, my notebooks, my Converse collection (:P) and maybe some other small items I'm sure my mother will give me. We're talking everything could fit in Blueshift kind of starting over (the gun stays, if I'm not going shooting with Jess then I have no want for it). Totally scary shit. And knowing me, I will forget to start off with so many basics you'd worry if I can survive on my own. :P I tend to be narrow minded, and when that happens, things get forgotten. Someone should make sure I start off on the right foot! Hell, I might need a team of people!

I think I know just the 3 for the job. Yeah, YOU 3 Okies. :P My dad, Cy, and Celeste. Specifically my dad. Especially him, I want him there nagging the fuck out of me about this and that. He does that to help and protect me, and I can see his intentions, he's not trying to micromanage me or thinks I'm incompetent, he wants to make damn sure I'm ok and bases are covered. Still pisses me off sometimes, but I never ever question that he is looking out for me. I'm defiant, not stupid. I'd really like to make a vacation of it, stop along the way and sightsee and shit. I want a family vacation of it. I miss those. I was navigator! I made sure we were on the right track to getting to our destination. Things would be a little diff, I'd just tell Alexandroid where we wanted to go and let him navigate. Helpful if my dad decides to take one of his "shortcuts". :P But those are the 3 people I want there as I step on stage, because my audience is waiting, of course.

You see those stereotyped scenes in movies of the dad helping his daughter off to college, he's being overbearing and she gets all pissy because he's embarrassing her, you know the deal. Or hell, entire movies about that, i.e. College Road Trip. We don't need cracked out pigs, Martin Lawrence, or that irritating Double Dutch Bus song, (Go watch it if you haven't, I'm not saying it's quality though. NEVER said that.) but the general idea is nice and I thought it was a cute movie because of the subject matter. I could relate to that whole dad/daughter dynamic that gets weird as she starts her strides into the world. However, I'm not at that age where I am totally fucking naive, I've had an interesting life and definitely world experience. So it won't be so weird or so much conflict. Well, at least not about that kind of "she's growing up" crap. We'll find something to argue over though. Unless there's a Chili's. Fajitas and margaritas are REALLY HARD to argue over. :P "If you two don't stop arguing I'll pull into this Chili's parking lot so help me god!" Cause you know, if we're already in the parking lot, might as well go inside. :P I'm chuckling at this pretty hard. It's more true than I could ever explain. Chili's is our DMZ. And we both would so be like, "hey, since we're here, let's eat". I'm chuckling so fucking hard I'm having to type in between bursts. I love my dad. :) He knows this is all fact. :P

TOMORROW IS SELECTION SUNDAY! This means not much to anyone but myself. I get to find out my Lobos seed, and there's a huge party at The Pit that'll be shown live on TV. Still debating on facepaint, but I got Lobos temporary tattoos and red/silver pompom bracelets, plus my new, VERY AERIS, Lobos shirt. I can upload straight to YouTube from Alexandroid, so I will try to do so if I'm not too busy acting insane. I will get video no matter what and upload it, it just might be later on in the evening. I'll do a pre-event vid like I did with that one basketball game...which reminds me there are a few videos lurking on Alexandroid I spaced out about. (This is what I mean about forgetting shit, these are from December.) All of my profiles will updated with a pic of me decked out in red and silver...if I don't do facepaint, I have red and silver makeup. And I'm painting my nails red with silver tips tonight. DON'T JUDGE ME! :P Let's quietly mention Lobos LOST last night for the 4th time this season. I'd like for them to not lose anymore, all considering. :P If Lobos wind up going to OKC, I'd have to make a trip one weekend to visit my loving family, and we can all have a family outing....to the game. :P Getting tickets is the buzzkill though. I wouldn't care if I was in the nosebleed section, cause this is Lobos at The Dance, but again, getting tickets. :( I don't think my family would want to be seen with me in fan mode either. I'd bring a few (dozen) rolls of quarters for the bad word jar. :P

So, keep an eye out for pics of the new shirt, and I'll have the pre-event vid up before the damn thing even starts. It starts at 3, I plan on getting there about 12-1. Worst comes to worst I have a Mahjongg layout on Alexandroid that is currently the only one I have not cleared out of 55 layouts, and I already know I can spend hours at that getting riled up. Seriously, I've attempted it about 300 times now, still can't. This is about, oh, OVER TWICE as many tries as it took for me to clear ALL of the others.

The part that gets me is the layout is a heart shape.

~A.

Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around Comes Around




You know, I wonder if anyone has ever liked one of the songs I use. No one would tell me to my face if they didn't, so I don't ask. But still.

http://abcnews.go.com/WN/AutismNews/court-rules-vaccines-autism/story?id=10087249

I've fucking had it with these people. They are wasting time and money while holding back those of us with some fucking sense. This isn't fucking hard. Autism is a developmental/social disorder. Guess when you get vaccinated? WHEN YOU'RE FUCKING DEVELOPING SKILLS AFFECTED BY AUTISM! So of course it's gonna manifest the same time as vaccines. You can't tell if a baby has social skills till they start learning to socialize. Duhr. God this shit makes me so fucking mad.

Since that is out of my system, moving on. I'm on spring break so yay, I have a bunch of homework to do over break, so boo. So I've got a lot to say this post as you'll find out one way or another. :)

So, there's the whole parking lot fist fight incident. The short story is one of the guys who broke into my mom's car recognized me/my car since he had to pass by mine to get to my mom's and when I looked out the window to see the commotion I know he saw me. He attacked me and there was a fight. Short story.

Here's the longer version. I had gone over to friend's house to hang out for a few and give him a ride to work since his car was in the shop. I decided to drive for a bit after dropping him off since I'd put new fluids in my car. I pulled over to change the Pandora station on my Droid since I play it through my car stereo and these two guys in 2 diff vehicles where having some shady meeting in the back of the Home Depot parking lot. I was busy trying to find a station not playing crap, so didn't really notice them until one guy started coming at my car. I was thinking he was gonna ask me about my car because people come up to me all the time to ask about it, so I get out to greet him.

Apparently he recognized my car from breaking into mom's, and by the time I put 2 and 2 together and realized this was one of the crooks and saw his car which I recognized, the guy was 30 feet away and started charging at me and I had 2 options. Get in my car, but my window was down and there was no time to get it up so he could have reached in and choked me, or do things the old fashioned way. The guy got one hit on me but then I laid into him, broke teeth, teeth are missing, broke his nose, broke his jaw and for sure at least one black eye. His buddy took off in the middle of this, but I'd already gotten a description. For purely vindictive reasons, I landed a few hard kicks to his groin, if his junk ever works again it'll be a medical miracle and I curbstomped him without a curb, so basically just stomping his face into the asphalt. THEN I called the sheriff.

They found mom's old debit card in the dude's pocket along with others, and apparently some other recently reported stolen stuff in his car. Guess they were doing a handoff or something and I was just in the right place (or wrong, depending on how you see it) at the right time. Honors student by day, crimefighter at night. :P

So, it wasn't like I'd tracked them down and exacted revenge. I was protecting myself and the guy made a really bad judgment call on who he chose to attack. THEN I exacted revenge. You don't victimize me, it's one of my favorite characteristics about me. I hold people responsible for themselves. People hate me for this but whatever. I specifically called the sheriff because they're not fucking media whores like the city cops and I had no desire to be on the news. Last shit I need. Especially since this guy was part of a larger crime ring. But they already know where I live since they got my mom. That's the bad news.

My mom and Jess are concerned they're gonna come after me since I'm responsible for one of them getting busted. Valid concerns, part of me knows that could happen. So now both me and Jess are packing heat in our rooms. Yes, there is a loaded gun (with safety on and no bullet in the chamber) in my room. It's what has become my gun since it's lightweight and I've been using it to shoot, an XD-45. So, .45 caliber handgun. Jess has a similar gun, also a .45, in his room. There's also his rifle. He keeps loaded magazines in his room and showed me where they are. Just in case. Jess called it a "heater for around the house". I have sweatpants I've designated for "around the house". We're talking about a GUN here. Crazy. You wanna get really freaked out? We're both packing .45s loaded with HOLLOWPOINT BULLETS. Why do I get the feeling no one wants to be around me when I get PMS? :P

Twisted jokes aside, I've also been well trained, both professionally and by Jess, about gun safety. I know this gun, I know how to use it, I know its features, so I'm not quite so afraid of having it around. The magazine of hollowpoints does freak me out though. You wanna know why Jess chose hollowpoints? Because they lose energy quickly and won't go through walls, so it minimizes damage to the house in case shit goes south. Definitely won't minimize damage to people, ha. What a fucking thing to be considerate of in advance, not fucking up the drywall. Something tells me, god forbid, if we have to shoot in the house, we have bigger problems than the drywall. Just saying.

So they've tracked down some of the factors of my epilepsy. I'm at a strong genetic risk for it, but I knew that. What has actually been setting me off is a lowered blood sugar. At least it's not flashing lights. Let me explain:

When I was supremely overweight, obviously I was not eating healthy and was eating a bunch of sugary crap. My body and brain adapted to that and those blood sugar levels. Well, I lost like 100 pounds (yeah, ONE HUNDRED POUNDS) and was eating better. The problem being my blood sugar is now much much lower than it used to be. Low blood sugar triggers seizures, mine is well within the healthy range but "low" compared to what it is used to. Before both seizures I hadn't eaten for 10+ hours, and I haven't been running (for a lot of reasons, depression, busy with school, fear of seizing on a run, etc.) and because I haven't been running as much, I'm not eating as many carbohydrates as I had been when marathon training. So what was probably protecting me from the seizures was my carb loading before runs. So basically, I'm genetically wired to have a lower seizure threshold and the blood sugar issue lowered my threshold even more to the point of actually seizing. That's what we THINK is up, anyways. Basically, I'm getting my ass kicked by two forms of epilepsy that have teamed up. There's more than one form of epilepsy in case you were unaware, for example seizures triggered by flashing lights is a form of epilepsy so are  recurrent absence seizures. There's a chance once my body adjusts to my new dietary habits this crap will stop, there's a chance it won't. Anti-seizure meds are in my future regardless. I get healthy...and I get seizures. Seriously.

Speaking of, I realized it is physically impossible for me to be a size 0. Actually, anything smaller than a 4-6, which is only a size smaller than I am now. Why? Because even as it stands my jeans rest quite snugly on my hip bones, and there isn't much fat left between the bones and the outside world. Built for curves and nothing but. :)

One last thing, I'm so totally constantly thinking about my college apps and how decisions are coming up in April and May. Completely obsessed, always online checking out other transfer students and what their stats are and how do I stack up...which of course has me feeling inferior and insufficient. I still do it though. I'm hoping my essays, adapted from their original purpose, really stick with the adcoms. They're looking for variety and differed experiences, and I'm pretty sure my crazy life counts as differed. It's absolutely unique and interesting, for sure. I still think I probably won't get in to my 1st choice, it's a fucking long shot. I haven't decided what I'll do if I don't, even if I get into another place I applied to, I might just stay a Lobo. :) I will be academically miserable, but there's basketball and Lobo pride which are fun experiences in and of themselves. Plus I have this place by the balls.

I'm pretty sure you can't think of anyone else you know who is an honors student 6 times over. I'm gonna be wearing a BUNCH of cords and sashes, possibly a stole, when I graduate. :)

That's just how I do things, you know. With a badass flair.

~A.

For reasons I dunno, probably the trippy sound to it, I've been listening to this song in my car A LOT. More fucking Oasis music.



So the official diagnosis is epilepsy, and no the video doesn't give me seizures. :P You have to have at least 2 seizures before they can diagnose epilepsy, which makes sense, since just one seizure could be a one off thing. This makes my life infinitely more challenging and scary, but I haven't yet found something I won't stare in the eye and say "try me". Now is the process of figuring out the details, probable medication and just keeping my guard up. It'll just make me that much stronger in the end. But to know my high powered mind is gonna spaz the fuck out randomly is kind of upsetting. The seizures change me to a degree, my brain is different for a few weeks after. I'm hoping there's no permanent damage or anything...and I'm hoping my rather blunt demeanor tinged with  a sense of "whatever" isn't here to stay either. The idea that my brain is so bad ass it causes its own electrical storm is fascinating to me though. Really though, I can't deal with too many more brain abnormalities. Autism, epilepsy, unusually high IQ, depression...my life is only so long and I can only research so many personal causes in my lifetime. :P You can safely throw epilepsy on my "weird brain shit I wanna research" list.

Let's talk about something far more fun. Basketball. My Lobos are bad ass this year, and I'm willing to bet we get a 2 seed in the Big Dance. I'm so damn excited. Even better is it's also looking pretty likely we'll play at the Ford Center in OKC for the starting rounds. If so there's gonna be an Oklahoma vacation to watch some basketball, and I'm dragging 3 special guests with me. :P I'll bring extra Lobo gear. ;) Gotta get tickets though...that might be an issue. :( So will my embarrassing myself, but hey. This is the BIG DANCE. You can't halfass cheering on your team in the Dance, this shit calls for facepaint. :D The National Champs last year? The Tar Heels. They're not even going this year they played so bad. You're never going to hear the end of this from me. Lobos > Heels. And our team is LESS EXPERIENCED AND YOUNGER THAN THEY ARE. I'll chalk it up to my badassery being contagious. ;) Warren said the Lobos are probably gonna lose right away. :( Someone is BITTER their team sucks ass. :P

Sunday is Selection Sunday and I will be at the Pit with the Lobos watching to see what our seed is. We're determined to the the school with the MOST fans at our live on TV selection party. I'm showing up early to make sure I get in! I'll make sure to grab video from inside and post it, I've been slacking on that. Of course, I've been slacking on that to focus on school (3.75 last semester so it worked) so you can't really blame me.

Life here has been kinda crazy, I'm having seizures, my mom's car had her driver's window broken out and they stole a bunch of shit out of her car, including the cell phone I bought her, basketball fever is rampant, midterms, college apps...always something going on. Keeps me busy, which also keeps me from obsessing over college apps. Sorta.

Actually, the part I'm obsessing over lately is the move. I'm eligible for a full ride at any school I applied to, so that's not a worry, being successful in classes isn't a worry...it's going out on my own that scares me. Starting over in a lot of ways but going the direction I was meant to go in other ways. And within the next year I gotta get my shit ready for grad school. Oh fuck, I just realized I haven't even started thinking about where I want to go get my PhD or about the GRE. I'd like to double major, or hell dual degree, in Psych and Computer Science. CS is my minor now, I can't major in it at UNM because it's in the College of Engineering, not under Arts and Sciences. Other schools have both under A&S, but you can't dual degree at most of those schools. I haven't yet figured out WHY I want to go CS, because I know there's a bunch of goddamn math classes lurking in there, and I am not much of a fan and I'm not exceptionally good at it. But I am a bizarrely good programmer regardless, which confuses my brother immensely and hell, confuses me too. Maybe it's that analytical and systematic autistic mind. Just another inexplicable Aeris anomaly.

So my brother has been shooting for years, and has had a lot of practice. I have not. I'm a better shot. He tried to play a game with me the first time we went out where we were trying to see who could get closest to the bullseye. I hit the bullseye every time. He thought he was gonna get a laugh out of me, but I got to laugh at him. He's been complaining "does she HAVE to be better than me at everything?". Yes I do, BUT I couldn't ask for a better brother than him. :)

I'm gonna go work on some extra credit papers, but you'll hear from me soon.

~A.

I've been rather busy as of late, what with midterms and dealing with the whole seizure thing. So I've been slacking on posting, not for lack of things to say, but for lack of time.

As just about everyone knows, I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. This fucking sucks. I'm just going to have to deal with seizures for the rest of my life and that's yet another medication I'll have to take. I've had 2 seizures in the past month or so after having never had one in my life previously, and it's fucking bizarre from my point of view. I don't get an aura or anything, no warning at all. I just know the next thing going on is I am coming to and I am very groggy and tired. They are very physically exhausting. I can run 15 miles and not get that tired. They also fuck with my memory a bit, I lose most of the time a few hours before and after the seizure. I have no recollection of that time besides maybe a couple of seconds here and there.

Also ever since this second seizure I have been sleeping quite a bit more, about 11 hours a day including naps. I'm almost always tired, I come home from class and nap usually. Even more interesting is how I feel like I hold a different place in my world than I did. Just going to class feels and seems different. Though my wiring does tend to be fried for about a week afterwards, it's just this week I have midterms and the like so I have to force myself a bit harder to focus. My first seizure I had a week off and so didn't notice the disconnect from my academic life. I have quite the impressive black eye too, I apparently caught myself while falling with the left side of my face and am sporting a hell of a shiner. People keep asking if I was fist fighting over the weekend. :P

All the college apps are out and now it's just the waiting game for decisions. My stomach is in knots all the damn time just thinking about it. April will be interesting....

This Sunday is Selection Sunday where they announce the seeds for the Big Dance. UNM is one of the teams who will be featured live on the show where they announce the seeds, and they're holding a party at The Pit during that time. So that's where I'll be, and I'll try not to embarrass myself too much. Maybe. :P

Warren and I are getting along wonderfully, he's been super supportive and concerned during this whole seizure mess. He called me just before bed last night and I always have a blast talking to him. He's a sweetheart and I love the snot out of him and he loves the snot out of me. He's protective of me too, but hates admitting it. Typical guy bullshit. :P

Ok, I've got some homework and studying to do along with needing a nap. I'll try and be better about keeping this updated, life just got crazy there for a while.

~A.