Primordial Chaos

I haven't been posting very regularly, busy with school is part of it, but I also can't keep a train of thought because I'm not super happy right now. I have a shitload of topics I want to cover that I've noted, and gained more after watching the movie "Adam". But something else is overriding all of that.

Here's the fucking deal. I've been pariahed by just about everyone I know. Because of the fucking seizures. My acquaintances, referred to as such because they're obviously NOT friends, don't want me hanging out with them. Not getting lunch, not going to a movie or a concert, nothing. If I hear "It's nothing personal, but just in case" one more motherfucking time I'm going to lose my shit. I try explaining as long as I eat every couple of hours I'm fine, but no. So my social life has been reduced to me reading, studying and sleeping with my extra time. ALONE.

My mom doesn't want to go shopping with me and doesn't want me to drive. If I'm gone for more than 30 minutes she starts worrying. I got separated from her and our friends both at the street fair and IKEA while we were in Tucson. She worried I'd seized both times. I understand her pelvis is STILL messed up from the accident that happened a year and a half ago and she likes to look at everything, but goddammit I don't want to walk that slow. I like to bypass what doesn't catch my eye and head for things that do. In the IKEA case, it was lights and lamps which then led me to the candles and lucky bamboo where I remained because everyone HAD to pass that section to get out. That and I was totally entranced by bamboo and candles. My mom had asked store employees if they knew of any one having a seizure in the store while she got our friends all worried by being irrational and they started looking for me. Now, my mom knows I am easily distracted by plants (I love bamboo for some reason), lights, and candles (unlit)...but ESPECIALLY fountains. They one of those little water feature fountains set up with bamboo as a display so I was having an autistic moment and fucking around with the fountain just enjoying the sound of the water and watching it fall down the fountain. My mother KNOWS this because I wander off because of it when we go shopping and she gets pissed off. She never looked for me in either of the departments.

My brother doesn't want to go places with me, like anywhere, not even the store, because I might seize. More and more am I becoming a second class citizen that is being pushed out of her circles of people.

Listen the fuck up. Again, as long as I eat, I have about the same chance of seizing AS ANYONE ELSE ON THE FUCKING PLANET. Hell, any one of them could be the one who seizes. Which I'm starting to wish would happen so they can know what their behavior feels like. Let's see how they like being treated like you're broken or tainted or bad luck or whatever.

That whole "well we're concerned you might seize" is an excuse for shitty behavior. If I hadn't of been shoved into isolation, or if someone would fucking listen to me, MAYBE they would know about the whole blood sugar thing. I always carry something, usually fruit snacks or the fruit roll ups made from just fruit, so that doesn't happen. But I'm still being exiled and treated like less than what I am. Here I am, kicking ass at school, kicking criminal ass in parking lots, made amends with Warren, starting to be social and going out and exploring new things, getting and staying in shape....then THIS to piss on my parade. I'm not any less Aeris than I was before. I'm not some incident waiting to happen. Well, ok, I'm not a seizure incident waiting to happen and fuck up an outing.

You know what's REALLY fucked up? I have only 4 people who stood, and still stand, by me without question, without treating me different, without shunning me. My family in OK, and Warren. All of whom DO NOT LIVE ANYWHERE NEAR ME. So I guess I'm back to being alone, which makes me wonder why I bothered.

My attitude now to all of you in ABQ who no longer see me as an ally and instead choose to ignore me, not listen to me, and pariah me, well...

Fuck you and go have a seizure. Assholes. 

~A.