Primordial Chaos

Van Hunt and Lupe Fiasco both have a song titled this. I'm referring to Van Hunt, but I do like the Lupe one too.

This post is hard to write, and as I mentally think about what I want to say, it gets harder. Crying is to be assumed.

So, I'm no longer friends with my best friend. Which is probably best for right now because we were fighting all the damn time. Somewhere everything went REALLY wrong.  We were saying things we shouldn't have, upset at each other a lot, it was a complete 180 from where we were. This happened a bit ago, but I'm only now to a point where I can write this from a reasonable emotional state.

It's really hard to lose a friend who was the closest person to me. I lost a part of myself. I lost the positive things he introduced me to. Some things, be it songs, places, ideas, whatever, lost their meaning to me. Mentally, it's a struggle and a half to not be sad and dwell on it. Trust me, I'm still thinking to myself I wish I hadn't have said that or done that. I wish I hadn't of felt that way or responded that way. I'm still wallowing in self pity and regret, though it's lessening VERY SLOWLY as the world spins on. I guess I'm grieving too, I lost a lot of things I can never replace. I know everything I'm feeling and thinking is normal, but I still have to go through it. It's really hard. I still have moments when something will trigger a good memory and I start to cry. (Like, oh this entire post.) Nothing triggers a bad memory, even stuff that should remind me of a fight doesn't. That's how I'll always remember him, as the good times.

Like the night we spent 20 minutes laughing without saying a word. Or the way we'd start giggling as soon as we were on the phone with each other. I called him crying once and he had me laughing in a couple of minutes with a conversation about trailer park pizza. The cool things he opened me up to that I would have usually ignored. And just the feeling of having a mental equal was wonderful. I miss that stuff, I was missing it while we were fighting, even. Then we both escalated it beyond the point of no return...and I lost it all. Over stupid shit we probably should have talked out. But there's no going back. He even went so far as to change his number. *sigh* We used to always say we could be apart for years and then get right back to where we were. I kinda hope that's true...

It's funny, two weeks before it ended I got a text from him that said "We will never separate. This is forever." I went through and deleted texts from him, but I could not delete that one. I really miss those fantastic times we shared. All this stupid bad shit that we should have talked out long before this happened made things unbearable for both sides. Forever ended two weeks after that text, and we did separate. I just really can't believe it. I always thought he'd be a part of my life one way or another. I never wanted this, I didn't want things to go this far. But at the same time I was really upset by some things he'd said and done, and I kept lashing at him. He was also lashing at me inexplicably, and I kept fighting back. I keep saying to myself how I should have calmed down and figure out the main cause of all the little things that were upsetting me, and scheduled a time for us to address those and address why he was attacking me too. I had every opportunity to try and end the fighting, but I didn't. I couldn't keep my emotions in check, and he couldn't keep his in check...man. Heartbreaking, and I'm mad at me for insisting on being petty. I didn't put our friendship first. I hate myself for it. I absolutely hate myself. I've even started pondering seeing a psychologist to help me forgive me. I don't think I ever will on my own. Regardless of his part, I could have slammed the brakes on the fighting, to be the one that surrendered so that we could talk shit out. I could have made a difference...I could have done something...

I forgave him the night before it ended. My friend P explained something to me that made me see everything differently, and realize why I was upset. I never got a chance to tell him...never got a chance to show him my part of our problem and work it out from there, to show him that "hey, I know why I'm upset, I know why part of this is happening. How does this relate to why you're upset?". I can't forgive myself for that either. The next morning everything ended, so I guess I figured things out too late.

It's crazy that now he is gone and we're not going through the fighting, I see very clearly the whole picture. It's not obscured by the thick fog of us attacking each other and getting upset over those things, but I see what the issue was that started it all in the first place. Too late....

Yes, I am carrying a lot of regret. Regret is just not being able to forgive yourself, really. I know I'm mostly talking about all the ways I feel I fucked up, and it may sound as if it was all my fault. I definitely feel that way, but we both played our parts. I just refuse to come here and trash him for being just as human as I am. Besides, I've forgiven him a million times over, there's no need to go into his part, it's gone as far as I am concerned. It's me who I can't forgive.

And so I need to address that, and I'm starting here, with this post. Openly stating I was wrong, how I went more wrong, how I feel about what I did and didn't do. Fuck, I could have not made this post and just swept it under the rug, into the corners of my mind only I see. But I didn't. I needed to say all of this, to stop brewing it in my head. Granted, only a small circle of friends and family read this, but it's a start for me. The first step on a long path to forgiving myself.

Until then....

I could have done something.....I could have not let it come to this....I could be laughing with him instead of crying without him....I SHOULD have done something....I miss him....I remember how I loved his jokes....I remember how he always knew exactly how to make me laugh, even if I was upset....I remember how he could defuse me in literally less than a minute if I was mad.....How he knew almost instinctively how to make things better....And how he knew just how to calm me down when I was riled up, I hated and loved that about him....and most importantly.....

I remember trailer park pizza...........and I always will. It means more to me than I could ever explain.

A very unforgiven and remorseful,

~A.