A song by Justin Timberlake. At least it's not fucking Oasis. Or Jamiroquai or Van Hunt, who seem to be my fav artists to pull from. Kinda wanted a Nate James song, but this one was more fitting. And you're damn right I listen to this song. Listening to it right now. It's a stupid song, trust me I know that. But it's really appropriate for this post.
So here's a topic I haven't touched on here that actually was pretty life and mind changing for me....
That would be my weight. At my fattest, I weighed 251 pounds at 5'9". That gave me a BMI of about 37. Obesity is 30+. HOLY SHIT. I have pics of me from then, and HOLY SHIT. I'm actually still incredibly embarrassed I let myself get so out of control. I can't believe I left the house looking like that. Yeesh.
A huge (harhar) part of the problem was the crushing depression on top of my social anxiety with a side of autism. I am a stress eater and an emotional eater. As you can imagine, I was eating A LOT. In high school I averaged about 150-160 pounds. However, after the arrival of Cy, (first time I've ever mentioned him here, has to do with me being paranoid of weirdos online) my weight skyrocketed. 5 days after he was born, I reached 177 pounds, and that was the lowest I would be for a few years. I was 200 or so for my senior prom. Got down to 190 for the beginning of my first semester of college. Then it just kept going up and up. My weight hit about 250, and it stayed there, I didn't gain anymore, but I sure as shit wasn't losing any either. I hated myself, I knew I was unattractive, I hated leaving the house, couldn't get a date, you get the idea. Which just made me eat more. Some girls can carry extra weight well. Sure isn't (literally) my ass.
I finally reached a point where enough was enough. I was not about to resign myself to a life of obesity and all the lovely health issues that go with it. I knew there was a pretty girl in all that fat somewhere, I just had to go find her. I did, and in record time.
I lost about 80 pounds in 7 months, lost a little more, but then gained some in muscle. I currently sit at about 170. I'm very proud of myself for this. BMI of 25 to 30 is overweight, I'm at 25.1. But BMI doesn't take into account muscle mass, so I'm not too worried. I look pretty damn good thank you. Others seem to think so too, heehee.
I bring all this up because this morning while getting out of the shower, I looked at myself and thought "Hm, I could stand to lose about 10 pounds". Stupid girl crap about being self conscious my hips are too big or whatever. While checking myself out, I realized just how fucking ridiculous that thought was. I felt I needed to lose 10 pounds? I FUCKING LOST 80 FROM MY FATTEST! HELLO AERIS! GET WITH IT! I think I DID lose a few (understatement) pounds. After realizing that, I thought I looked just damn fine thank you very much. Though, I would like my hips to be smaller to make buying clothes a million times easier. They must think women are shaped like planks of wood, yeesh.
I've always been cocky and a bit egotistical. I still am. What has changed is my personal confidence. I don't try to hide myself as much or avoid going out because I don't want to be seen. (I avoid going out because people are fucking scary.) I walk taller and faster, and don't feel embarrassed about how I look. I dress well, but with my own trademark style...that's slightly bizarre. But very me all the same. I get to wear cute clothes and I wear them well, instead of stretch pants and sweaters or whatever. It's helped me to come out of my shell and pursue new things, plus the nudging of others for me to try new things has helped too.
Also, trying to run at 170 pounds is a hell of a lot different than at 250. A hell of a lot easier, I should say. Hell, WALKING is a brand new experience (and doesn't have me breathing heavy after a few dozen feet).
It still blows my mind. 80 pounds just fucking disappeared. I lost 1/3 of my weight. Holy shit. Unreal.
Sometimes, despite my ego, I manage to impress and amaze myself.
~A.
Posted by
~A.
comments (0)