Craig David song. And yeah I do schedule all my posts to post at 4:16 in the afternoon. It's actually 16:16 since I tend to use 24 hour time...and 16 is 4x4, and I like 4. A LOT. Though the 4:16 works for me too. I have a lot of quirks.
There's something about me that people are drawn to both on sight and after briefly speaking to me. Which is funny, cause speaking to people sucks for me. I have to keep reminding myself to make eye contact, show expressions, be an active listener...bleh. Talking takes a lot of mind power for me.
On sight though, I really don't understand. In the past 2 months I've heard "You know, you're not usually my type, but there's something I like about you" or some variant 5-6 times. One guy said he prefers long blonde hair, but there was something attractive about me with my short hair, another guy long brown hair on white girls, but he was like "There's something about you I really can't explain, but I find you wildly attractive".
THIS CONFUSES THE HELL OUT OF ME. Ok, first issue is people I don't know coming up to talk to me, it makes me so damn nervous, but second they're hitting on me based on what they see. Listen, I am a jeans and Converse girl, I'm on campus to attend class, research, work with AMSA, do homework, and that's it. I'm not here looking for a guy. I dress up the first day of class each semester, but after that, the hell with that. I don't dress sexy, not wearing heels, almost never wear make up, usually wearing a hoodie if it's cool and most likely a bandana. There are girls here dressed to the nines, heels, long hair, latest style of dress, etc. I would think that, as far as on sight attraction, I'd be towards the bottom (which is fine with me).
On top of this I do not smile. Almost ever. Pictures of me even, I'm usually not smiling. So I'm not a skanked up chick, nor am I even friendly looking. But the things I hear most often are "there's something about the way you walk" "there's something about your eyes" "there's something about your face and the expression it wears", etc. This really drives me nuts because it doesn't mesh with what I know from psychology classes, having male friends, and personal observations.
Listen, I'm not saying I'm unattractive, I think I am. To the point of almost narcissism because I am my standard of beauty for women. It's just there are girls putting a lot of effort (and makeup) into impressing guys, and yet a few prefer me. And it's guys from all races and backgrounds, there's no one type of guy that I attract. Besides fuckin' crazy, god knows they've all been fuckin' crazy. But I digress.
So I brought this up witha guy friend of mine who has two roommates that have a thing for me. I asked him, so, what the fuck is this about? This was an interesting conversation.
To summarize, he said guys like the flashy types when they're looking for, uh, something quick and easy. But the draw is those attractive girls that don't flaunt it, it means there's something deeper and interesting about them. He also said there's something universal about me. That is, it appeals to most guys. He said I have a charisma that sends off vibes to guys that I'm "one of them". Not literally, but that I'll have some pretty similar interests, cars, beer, music, and sports even because I have a sporty look (AKA I'm in hella good shape), I go to the gym, etc.
He also said it's pretty apparent I'm not the helpless type and that I am extremely independent (to a fault, I think). Oh, and that I look exotic because of my mixed race background.
It was a fun conversation, even if just a bunch of speculation, because a concept clicked with me, and this is my main point:
My perceived flaws are not necessarily my actual flaws. I'm pretty harsh on myself as a rule, because I see all these things about me that trend towards outlier positions in the social spectrum. And I assume because I'm so different, there's something wrong. That really hadn't clicked with me yet, though if I heard it I knew it to be true, but it wasn't part of my consciousness. So I'm trying to lay off myself, spin bads into goods, and ease up on the self-criticism.
Except about those essays.
~A.
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~A.
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