Primordial Chaos

A: Ok, so some things to get out. This will be the last time for a while I will have someone else posting about me or with me. I chose Ryan and P because of their dynamic with me and all 3 of our dynamics with each other. They're also local friends of mine so they could comment about me as I am in person. With Ryan leaving, things won't be the same. Me and P don't really want to do it together without Ryan, so P is out. Ryan's focus is on school, so it'll be just me. A very interesting experience having those two contribute here. Even if everyone else hated it, we had a blast. So back to my excessively verbose ramblings about nothing.

Ryan and I had a long talk about us and him leaving and all that mess. I was thinking there'd be crying and emotional outbursts and this whole big scene.

R: Instead we mutually agreed on the same thing with no tears and more smiles and laughs than anything. Aeris and I are ending our relationship once I leave, and will possibly revisit the idea when I return. We're not expecting anything because a lot can happen in 3 months. Badass could start dating P, lol.

A: Right after pigs fly and hell freezes. It's going to be a bit hard and kind of weird knowing if the other person is seeing someone else. However, we both realize it's not a commentary on the other person or replacing the other person. It's just a commentary on the situation.

R: Yeah. We will both deal with some jealousy if that occurs. We're not that unaware to think it won't happen, it will. We will still be friends and keep in touch.

A: We swore to each other we would always be friends no matter what else. We also swore to be completely direct and honest with each other about our respective situations. Something I insisted on.

R: Because of him. You know every time you refer to him even in a shit context it means you're thinking of him. You are angry with him because you care about him. And he couldn't give a damn if you were dead. Which bothers you more. Badass, I love you but I'm not entirely in the dark. I can see it in your eyes and hear it in your voice sometimes and I just heard it now. He knew exactly how to get you. He left a wound that won't really heal. And even after all these weeks you are still hurt. As fucked as it is the guy got you where you can't hide it or heal it and was smart about it.

A: Wow. You went all the way there. Alright I'll come clean. Yes the reason I insisted on that was because of my experience with him, yes the reason I refuse to have a long distance relationship with you while you're gone is him, yes he got me right where he wanted to, yes it's taking forever and a day to get better, yes he was pretty smart about how to get me, yes I still think about him and yes I still care after all the hell.

R: I didn't say this earlier but I think the 3 months apart will be good so it can get better. You and him were closer than you and I are. You have these I dunno, I guess they're rules in our relationship that come from that mess. I understand but at the same time I'm not him. I'm not trying to call you out or attack. I'm saying I hate how that hurt fucks with us. I hope a lot of it goes away between now and when I come back. I want you happy.

A: If you weren't right next to me I probably would have flipped out at that. I see the concern in your face. You're right. Maybe I need a few more months out of the water. Or the rest of my life. I should start collecting cats now.

R: Babe, knock off. You're not going to be a crazy cat lady who dies alone. You're being dramatic. Stop it. I do think you need to completely avoid getting involved and focus on Aeris. You give so much attention elsewhere you forget about you. I know this blows. I know I just left you emotionally naked to everyone who reads your blog. You hide behind your own bullshit. You don't need to there's nothing wrong with you. Everyone understands what hurt like that is like and how it fucks up your world. It's not weakness. Trying to ignore it is. Don't cry, sweetiepie. (she's starting to cry) You can take this head on like you do everything else. And I'll love you in one form or another all the way through it. I'll love you while I'm gone even more than I love you now. You can trust that. I don't want to leave you. I don't want you to struggle alone. You can't keep ignoring it. It's fucking with you and how you do things in our relationship. I'm going to throw your own words in your face. Know that I do it out of love and concern. You have said someone can only affect you as much as you let them. So don't let them. that's what they want. To bring you down. But you're Badass in actions and in name. So start being badass.

A: Heh, you wrote a lot and read it to me while I was crying. I am surprised I got called out like that. I'm more surprised it was you. I feel like an asshole though. I feel like I'm weak too. What I feel the most is guilt on how I let things affect and create rules between you and I. I'm pretty ashamed of that. I'm better than that.

R: Baby, don't start being too hard on yourself. Shit happens and shit hurts sometimes for longer than you think it should. I think it was his intention to cause you a long term hurt and he did a good job. I don't think any other woman could have or would have been as strong as you. They would think it's an insult to them. You can see it's an insult to him and his character. It's ok to still care about him and it's ok you have forgiven it all. It's even ok if he realized he lost a great person in his life and you accepted him as a friend again. That takes a lot of strength to have that much forgiveness. That's not weakness. It is not easy to be willing to wipe a slate clean. You really should spend some of that strength on forgiving you, I think.

A: You and your logic again.

R: I know you will post this. That's pretty brave. You're revealing a lot with all of this. That makes me proud of you. I can't think of anyone who would not just delete this and post something else. You're willing to show the weak and hurt parts of you now. THe content of your blog has become less about the world around you and more about you. The deep interesting parts of you too.

A: See, how am I going to be rational without you around? You are great at comforting me and talking sense.

R: Badass, you're badass. All I am doing is telling you what you know but hide. You didn't deny anything because you knew it was true. The only thing I have said that you don't really know is that showing your wounds to those who care about you is not weakness. You're badass, but not hardass. You don't need to have a face of strength and act like nothing affects you too much. No one buy it. You try to though. Even you can't deny that you get hurt to yourself.

A: This is going to be an interesting read for some. Stating the obvious for others, probably.

R: Maybe. But everyone who cares about you has your back. Mostly because we know if we get in front of you we're gonna get run over! ^laughs^

A: *laughs* Aw, thanks babe. I'm sitting in his lap and he has his arms around me. I'll miss times like this.

R: I hear P is single. :P

A: I hear I'll swat you upside your head for suggesting it! :P

R: Let's end this, I want to snuggle. I guess my last words for before I leave would be that I love this girl. She's shaken my world in such a short time and I had fun on this blog too. She's Badass but adoreable. I'm glad to have her in my life. I'll be in touch with her while I'm gone. I'll worry about how she is doing. Until I leave though, I'm going to love her with hugs every minute I can. She's Bad Bad Badass!

A: See, tears are on their way again! You've got me all sappy. Ryan's so sweet and so smart, I feel lucky to know him. I love him too, and he knows it. And now, it is definitely time for snuggles.

~A.