Primordial Chaos

 Another Oasis song, but it's not one I am super fond of. But the title is bizarrely fitting for this post.

I realized something fucked up last night. REALLY fucked up. I don't usually talk about crap like this here, but I'm going to.

Once upon a time when I was much younger, my dad and I had a toxic relationship. I was always trying to make him accept me and be proud of me. I was always trying to be perfect, hated myself when he got mad at me, there were some alcohol issues in the mix too. He was also emotionally neglectful and distant, hostile a lot, and I spent a lot of time being submissive or subservient out of fear I'd be rejected.

I'm not trying to blast my dad or anything, he is a better man now. Here's what I realized that made me feel literally sick:

That was my relationship with W too.

I mean damn near exactly. More fucked up is I wanted to stay in such a situation, it was a bomb waiting to go off, I knew that...but I couldn't walk away. I'm not even sure how we got to that dynamic.  Actually, my whole relationship with W confuses me, but that's another story (post). I'm not saying he's a bad person either, it wasn't always like that. However, it became toxic as fuck when it did. When I look back, which is a lot harder to do than I thought, I can see shit started going south when we took on those roles. And it became very hard to change after a while...

I don't always find great things when I do a little self analysis. I was looking for how I can be a better person from this, what did I learn, what can I learn? Then I found that mess, and I'm really ashamed of that, that I let a situation get there, that I stayed in such a situation for so long...that either of us did. We're both WAY smarter than that, but somewhere something fell off track...I don't think I'll ever figure it out. I WILL learn what I can though and go forward.

That being said, sometimes you gotta get a little immaturity out of your system. So there's this website both he and I used to frequent rather often. After one major fight, I stopped going there and let it be his turf because it was a nasty fight and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable with me there when we're mad at each other. Well, we're not friends or anything anymore, so I went back. He's a mod, and he kept changing the passwords on my accounts and shit so I couldn't log on once he realized I'd started coming back. Didn't even say anything to or about him, was debating someone who I used to debate frequently that had nothing to do with him. I was just ignoring him, really. I treated the situation as like he was just some mod and I was just some participant and we did not know each other beyond that.

He kept doing this, and I started saying hey, leave me alone, it's not about you, I owe you nothing, I'm leaving you alone stop bullying me, etc. He still kept fucking up my accounts. So, I started creating them one right after the other leaving random posts telling him to fuck off, leave me alone, stop bullying me, I don't give a shit about him or who he is offline. He was deleting my posts and changing my passwords at this point, so I just started making accounts and leaving little hostile comments all over the place he had to delete and then he had to disable my account. Thanks to my shiny new phone, it made creating valid emails to use to sign up for new accounts really quick and easy. Was that immature of me? Hell yeah it was. I tried taking the high road, but he wanted to play in the gutter. So I pulled that immature stunt. I told him I wasn't ever going to leave, so he better just knock off cause I can do this all day. The nifty thing is he can't ban me because I'm connecting using my phone, so I can connect through the phone towers or wifi//VPNs etc. I was being a pain in the ass, sure. I was being immature, sure. It was fun. Appeal is kinda over though. The only way I can keep getting to him is to start making it really personal on a public forum, and I can't go there. I still care about him, and I still have a certain level of respect for him. He taught me a lot of things about life and myself that made me a stronger better person. I still think he's a fucking ass though. Try and make sense of that. I can't.

I don't look back in anger though. I don't look back at everything and be mad he did this or I did that. There were a lot of good things that came from our time together, and it's those that I focus on and remember. I only look at the bad things to try and figure out what I can do better, or how things got there. I'd be a fucking moron if I didn't try and grow. Isn't that the point?  Even after he's left my life...he's still teaching me a thing or two. That makes me smile while I curse him name under my breath. Of course, he usually would make me smile while I cursed his name under my breath, so there's nothing new there. Ha!

I tend to gloss over negative crap in my life on my blog if I don't avoid the topics completely. I'm going to start breaking that. This may make some of these posts hard to read, and hell, hard to write. I think it's important though to really portray my thoughts and who I am. this blog tends to make me look rather inane, but I'm far more dynamic and complicated than that. I feel like I should start expressing that, so I'm going to. It's my blog anyways. :P

~A.