It's been a year since my first day at UNM. The 20th will be exactly one year to the day. I wasn't exactly under the best of circumstances then. Just moved, mom's in bad shape from the wreck, brother hates me and comes into my room to yell at me sometimes, new school, new experience even as I was not familiar with what a university campus environment is like, a few days before Warren and I had stopped speaking, I don't know my way around, I don't know anyone...and I'm terrified. I was also unsure of what my path really was, where am I taking this, what do I want to do with my life. I'm violently depressed. I'm out of shape, hadn't been doing ANY cardio. Over the next month I gain some weight. I figured since the year is starting out really rough already, it's only going to get worse going forward. I was pretty wrong.
Did well in school, made new friends, I ran for an officer position in a student org and got it, got my research positions, picked up 5 types of honors along my way, got back in shape and then some, took up guitar and got pretty good at it, my brother and I are on fantastic terms (unless we're playing video games then it is every man for himself :P), mom's doing better, I'm not depressed anymore, I will try new things maybe hesitantly but I will, I know UNM and where every thing is pretty well now, I realized my path...and I'm not scared anymore.
One by one, little things started going right, then bigger and bigger things until now, where my whole damn life is impressive. I'm impressive. As more things I tried went well, I got braver and tried more. And when those went well I tried even more even bigger things. Everything I touched turned to gold. There really was success for me to have. I stunned most of the people close to me. Not because they thought I couldn't do it, I was capable. But because I actually finally DID do it, and damn if I didn't come out swinging. I did much better than anyone thought I would. Especially me. But they all knew I could, I just needed help. I needed to be reminded that I absolutely could. I knew that, check the damn tattoos on my forearms. Reminders of what I have and can do. Reminders that between my strength of spirit and intellectual power I am a force in my own right. I'm not out in this college world helpless, I'm heavily fucking armed.
Self doubt is a rough battle. Despite what I knew and despite my tattoos, I thought I'd be average at best, just your everyday no name, no impressive grades, no accomplishments, loner type college student you can find on every campus. I didn't think I could. This little engine and her train of cars weren't going anywhere.
The very first person to get on the Aeris express was my dad, actually. He was the first passenger and he let me know that he thinks I very well can and it's about damn time I do. I'm sure Celeste got on board not long after. Once my mom felt better she got on too, and late to the party as usual, my brother was on the train. Interspersed in there are my friends, old and new, who also got on board. I had a shitload of people demanding I get over that damn hill. And if they had to push me so be it, but I was going over that damn hill and there's nothing but good things on the other side. I had some confidence with all these people rallying behind me.
That word/idea is key. Confidence. The Aeris express is fueled by it. Even my occasional fit of arrogance has its purpose; I said it so I better damn well verify it. And I did. And I do. That self confidence was mission critical to everything else I accomplished. Without it, I wouldn't have done a damn thing. Now I may have an excess of it and it's fermenting into ego and arrogance, but if I say it...I better damn well verify it. Though I wonder at what point does confidence become arrogance. As far as externally, to other people, I think it is when you earn an "I can but you can't and here's your flaws why" attitude. I'm not like that in general (I have my moments, we all do) because just saying that I can, whether or not you can or think I can. I think I can. People call you arrogant if you go around saying you can. A lot of it probably stems from they don't have the confidence to say they can, so they put you down for saying you can. This is starting to sound like an Obama campaign speech. Yes we can!
My personal point of arrogance is difficult to pin down, and there may not even be one. If people come up to me and start telling me yeah they could probably do this or that, then I'm going to want them to back it up. I don't see it as arrogance but being a fool for opening your mouth when you couldn't stand behind what you said. If you can do it, then it's confidence. Even if it takes you a few tries, it's still confidence. You wouldn't even try again if you weren't confident you could do it. So I don't find other people arrogant and I tend to use the word pretty loosely and probably as a joke. As for how I see myself, I use the word cocky but it just means arrogant. I think telling someone I think I can do something is arrogant on MY part, but not if someone else says it to me. People want to be heard, they don't want to listen. I understand that so I don't see them doing it as arrogant. But I do for myself. I have a lot of double standards like that. Other people get a lot more leeway with me than I get with me. Sorta working on that.
But I am pretty proud of myself right now and how far I've gone in a year. And you know it can only get better from here.
~A.
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~A.
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