Primordial Chaos

Van Hunt song. <3 Van Hunt.

So, today, for reasons TOTALLY beyond me, I dressed kind of, well, girly. High heeled knee high boots, jeans (boots UNDER the jeans, mind you), a rose print 3/4 sleeve top, belt, earrings, lucky hat, and a REALLY girly freaking coat with matching gloves. As much as this is NOT my thing, I was looking pretty damn good and turning heads, thank you. Friends and class mates were just dumbfounded that I, queen of jeans and Converse shoes, can actually dress myself nicely AND pull it off. Looking good was nice, but after like 3 hours I was not comfortable AT ALL. I got home, threw on my glitter Converse and a fucking hoodie, then finished errands and shit I had to do.

Despite the fact that I looked very striking dressed like that and it was definitely a look that works for me, I can't really stand it on a regular basis. This confuses, well, everyone BUT me. Just because you can do something well, doesn't mean you have to like it too. I piss people off pretty well, but I don't like it. :P Somewhat more seriously, I am bizarrely fantastic at Algebra. I fucking hate that shit. I have the systematic analyzing mind (thanks autism) to be a fantastic mathematician. I can't stand math. Though, part of me wants to be a math major just to MAKE myself like and understand it. Instead of becoming really analytical about numbers, a common trend in autistic people, I became really analytical about WORDS. This led to or assisted in my reading and writing skills, two things I would gladly challenge anyone in. Even if I didn't win, you'd be damned impressed at how I can hold my own. But like I wouldn't win. :P

Instead of theorems and proofs, I had grammar and structure. Instead of well thought out solutions, I had an unusual precision and clarity to what I wrote and to what I read. I STILL hold the record at my middle school for highest grade in reading/reading comprehension class ever. 14 years, and my name is still on the wall. (It was a 554.6, btw. Out of 100. Just a couple of extra bonus points :P)

Yeah, I'm a decent enough writer and my reading comprehension is pretty top notch. But I never conquered my fear or aversion to math. This is moderately distressing because if I was into math, I'd have gone into astrophysics. I mean, I've has a weird fascination with astrophysics since I was 11 or so, not a recent idea. Just a little bit off from my current path, yeah? Don't get me wrong, I love psychology, I love what I'm doing now and where I'm heading, and I believe I'm not so subtly being nudged to where I'm needed. I am fucking OBSESSED with astrophysics though. It's almost embarrassing how much I've read and re-read wikipedia and other such sites trying to learn about it, how much time I spend in the library on campus reading about it...The only time I've EVER had a convo that went sailing over W's head was a convo about infinity. We both got kinda po'ed at each other, actually. We couldn't see the other's side at all. He believes in aliens but couldn't believe there are infinities after infinity and that there are different "sizes" or degrees of infinity that you can count. Just to fuck with your mind a little, some infinities are bigger than others. Mull that over for a while. It's absolutely true, but just think about it. You can stop when your brain hurts.

What gets me is things like that make COMPLETE sense to me. They did so the first time I heard them. Ask me the point of something more practical and everyday like, oh, what's a derivative and why is it useful, and my eyes will glaze the fuck over. (I seriously do not fucking know the answer to that.) More mindfucking than bigger and smaller infinities is how the hell can I grasp something so bizarre and complex, over something so much more useful and every day.

You know what though, that's pretty typical of me to be so atypical. Especially bizarre disparities of knowledge like that.

I'm never boring. Frustrating, but not boring.

~A.