Primordial Chaos

Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever



I've been kinda playing my guitar, but I don't have the passion for it I once did. I tend to play Wonderwall a lot, mostly because it's an important song between me and my bro. I hate going into deep depressions because I lose my desire for a lot of things, any musical instrument important to me at the time is basically guaranteed. Hence my giving up piano, despite having a decent amount of skill for it. And now my guitar. Shit affects me deeply, and way deeper than I let on, and I let on about it a lot.

March/April are coming up quick, and within those months are the deadlines for transfer applications for most schools. I'm stressed the fuck out over this whole ordeal. Doubts about getting in, about if I chose the right schools for the right reasons, I have 2 extra sets of transcripts, should I apply a couple of other places that really look like what I want, where the fuck would that be, am I doing the right thing, should I even worry about the quality of my education since that's what this is mostly about...on and on and on, lots of shit crossing my mind. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about transferring, from what I've heard from people so far I am under the impression no one really understands why this is so important to me or will give me helpful suggestions that support me and my decision to go elsewhere. A degree ISN'T just a degree. I've said this a million times, but the quality of my education and me KNOWING MY SHIT isn't optional to me. Especially when I realize that when I go to grad school, chances are I'll be a fucking TA (which is a scary thought for everyone) and I REALLY better know my shit. I am starting to feel incredibly isolated about this. No one seems to understand, and previous excessively criticizing commentary reinforces that. I would think the people closest to me would understand my emphasis on the QUALITY of my education and why that's important to me but that's not really the case. Starting to think I'm alone on this.

I realized that even though I lived and live outside of the box of society in general, I put myself into my own box outside of the box, which isn't really all that productive. Gotta live outside my own box too.

I've heard from Ryan a few times recently. Basically, he had nothing positive to say and just wanted to trash Warren to me and then claim he wasn't as "horrible" as Warren and "would never do what he does" to me. Despite the stormy back and forth I have with Warren, Warren isn't emailing me talking shit about Ryan and trying to play the one up game. Ryan seems to think this is a good idea with me and all he is doing is disenchanting me from him, which sucks because I had every intention of remaining close friends with Ryan. But the tantrums and Warren hate mail and demanding I shut Warren out of my life so he can make me happy are REALLY PISSING ME OFF. I've explained in no uncertain terms how I feel and why I feel that way, but Ryan won't take a clue. I get he feels strongly about me, and hell, Warren understands where he is coming from, but this isn't how you show me you're a good candidate. We were together for what, 3 weeks? And he's still pushing me moving in with him and making a long term commitment to him? As Jess likes to say, "Fuck you, no". I tried being nice about it, but now I've been REALLY direct and hostile about it and he still won't get it. I'm sure he's perfect for some girl out there, it just isn't me.

Now, Warren asks about Ryan very occasionally, he says he's "just curious" but I know he's checking to see if there's competition. Which drives me up 40 different walls because Warren will also spew bullshit about not wanting to pursue a relationship with me, yet he inquires about other males in my life, and has done so for quite some time. Even better is on the phone he completely contradicts himself. I've just decided he loves doing this to fuck with me, and if I try to pin him down for answers I get all sorts of vague bullshit and/or being told exactly what I don't want to hear. It's not even worth asking, really. I HATE this shit, it's confusing and frustrating. Why he insists on doing this I have no idea, and basically feel that, like my other inquiries, it won't get answered if I ask. Kinda wish he'd give in, but he's always fought himself over how he feels about me since like forever. ARGH. Starting to feel like I can't win. I sometimes don't know why I keep trying, but I'm afraid the answer is I'm either stubborn or stupid. :( *sigh*

All this crap bouncing around in my mind, and the 3 tests PLUS 3 papers due in the 7 days between Tues and next Tues has me feeling defeated. Even my friends have mentioned a few times that I don't seem to be as shiny as I usually am or as upbeat and smiley, and am laughing noticeably less. When shit gets to me, it hits me HARD. I want stoicism for my birthday, dammit. I'm such a softie sometimes and I'm starting to see it as a weakness. I wish I didn't care or think so much, I'm just drowning in my own mental murk. I can't change anything right now anyways. Or ever with my current defeatist attitude. But I honestly don't believe there's any happy medium for all aspects of my life, and to make choices on what to compromise SUCKS.

So they lowered my dosage for my antidepressant to prevent seizures, and now I'M DEPRESSED AS ALL FUCK. I keep trying to stay upbeat and keep my head up, but everyone sees right through me. Even as I've been writing this I keep crying off and on. Fucking miserable. Rather risk seizures, and I'm dead serious. At least then I didn't want to give up on everything and everyone. Doesn't help I feel REALLY isolated because of the whole transfer thing. No one seems to care or understand, and I really thought people would be excited for me and supportive. Just been shitpiles of criticism and negativity. HUGE piles.

Speaking of, my mother is now starting to resent me, which is just another lovely issue to deal with. I've been pretty successful all the way around, academically and for the most part personally, and she has admitted repeatedly she's jealous. ESPECIALLY about me losing a bunch of weight. She's put on A LOT since her accident, and she blames it on her not being able to get around as much as she used to. She doesn't understand why she's gaining weight when she eats sensible salads for dinner. I made the mistake of pointing out all the junk food she buys and eats throughout the day, and me and Jess don't eat it. Jess is vegan so anything with milk in it is out, and I don't eat chocolate except very very rarely. Well, she keeps buying all this chocolate crap along with all sorts of pastries and shit me and Jess also don't eat, and I pointed this out to her. She basically said to me that just because I'm in good shape doesn't make me little miss expert on what other people should and should not do and I should keep my mouth shut. She's not talking to me at this point. Let's add some more points under isolation, shall we?

I went from feeling like I was going to transfer because I wanted to go, now it just feels like I'm going to transfer because people want me gone and don't give a shit where I go as long as I'm out of sight.

Part of me feels like maybe that's how I should start thinking too.

~A.