Primordial Chaos

I pull from songs and lyrics for my blog titles usually, and this is no deviation. Freddie King is the artist, in case you look it up.

So, I'm in the middle of rewriting/proofreading this paper I'm working on, and it's just plain frustrating. This paper is about the Joker from "The Dark Knight" and from the animated "The Batman Superman Movie" and kind of a compare and contrast, how is he changed considering the different audiences, you get the idea. However, I am NOT a movie person, I've watched TDK about 6 times this weekend, and I'm struggling on this paper because a lot of the movie is sailing over my head. I had a rough draft sorta done, but after reading it (and watching the damn movie again) I wound up rewriting about 3 pages of a 5 page paper to change my direction and is my new rough draft. I did some reading up on the movie and ideas behind it, people's interpretations, reviews, and dammit, I found a lot of good ideas I really missed, mostly someone made a comment about the movie that altered my train of thought. So I'm working on THAT rewrite now and trying to get these really great ideas into the paper without losing some of the other wonderful stuff I've already written. They're blending together like oil and water. :( So, I decided to take a break and figured a blog post was a good way to slack off a bit. At least I'm still in writing mode, at any rate.

Of course, I've been slacking off for the last hour playing my guitar....

And that is the inspiration behind this post. (In case the obvious title eludes you.) Before I broke my arm I was playing my guitar all the time, playing at bistros and such around town, I was really into it. Then I broke my arm and kinda can't play a guitar in a cast or brace, so I got out of the habit. A couple weeks ago I tried to play and it got sore and painful very quickly and I definitely wasn't playing like I used to. So, since I got very stuck and frustrated on my paper, I picked up my guitar to try again.

I'm playing better, but I've forgotten a lot of chords and such for some of my fav songs to play. It was a struggle, and I'm kinda sad I lost so much so fast. A lot of the more complex things I would play are impossible now. Even though I have full use of my right arm again, it is still pretty stiff and it's hard to pluck and strum. On top of that I've grown my nails fairly long, which is also interfering with my playing. Haven't decided if I'll cut them shorter or not....don't know how much back into playing I'll get.

I've only been playing for about 7 months, but since I have A LOT of previous musical exposure and can quite easily tell you what note is what just by hearing it, it was just a matter of mastering how to play the instrument, which a guitar isn't hard to learn to do the things like strum, fingerplucking, chord positions, etc. Most people struggle with the music part, and I was not so inhibited.

My biggest struggle learning to play...was learning how to read guitar tab! I'm quite familiar with standard musical notation, and had no real problem playing from actual chords and memorizing what finger went where for what chord, there's actually a system to it. I wanted to start playing some of my favorite songs, but could only find them online in tab, so I made myself learn. It STILL confuses me. Most people who pick up guitar or play guitar ONLY know tab, if you put standard chords in front of them their eyes would glaze over. I just have to be different, as usual.

I had drifted REALLY far away from actually playing music after I quit playing piano a few years ago. But I've always loved it and music in general. To me, music was a voice when I didn't have one, a way to express myself people could understand. Slowly I've felt that fire starting back up, and last spring I bought my guitar. I had a way to express myself without having to talk but was still sound, because I suck at talking and dislike it. Music though, I can do that no sweat. It's been wonderfully relaxing playing my guitar, even learning a new song was never frustrating, but fun.

Music has always been very important to me and a huge part of my life. It still is. I am almost constantly listening to music. My alarm plays music when I get up, I listen to music getting ready in the morning, I listen to music in my car, and once I get out of my car I put my headphones and I'm right back to listening to music. It's my coffee in the morning, in a way. It's actually more like my air to breathe. I NEED it.

My mood and mindset are directly related to whatever music I am listening to. I prefer songs that match my mood or talk about something I am going through. By what song I am listening to you can discern my mood, what I'm thinking about, what is upsetting me in my life, what is making me happy in my life, just by one song you can basically read me at that moment like a book.

This next part makes sense to some people and not to others. I listen to music based on the lyrics first, then vocals, then background music. It's the lyrics that give away my mental state. Even if I hate the singer and/or the music, but the lyrics are wonderful or relevant to me, then I'll like the song. The confusion tends to stem from that I play music to say something without words, or using someone else's words. I listen to music because the words say something to me, something I can relate to. I feel less alone in my world, like someone is relating to me, that I'm not the only one who has felt a certain way or done something worth singing about. I'm not so....bizarre.

And that's the thing. The song never changes, so I can ALWAYS relate. With people it doesn't work like that. People change, situations change, and all of a sudden I'm back on the outside. That's assuming I relate AT ALL to someone. It's not a lonely thing though, it's more of a well why interact with people if you get hurt or angry or whatever. If I'm running a high risk of being hurt, then why bother with anyone outside of those I absolutely have to talk to? Now, I do feel alone sometimes, like no one gets me, there's no one like me, on top of me being chronically misunderstood (ESPECIALLY verbally). I feel that all the damn time, and it's very true. I AM alone in my world view, perspective, and ideas. But am I ever lonely? Not really. The innate need for social interaction doesn't exist with me. You could lock me away from all people for a while and I'd be just fine entertaining myself. I'm still trying to get me all sorted out, having to sort out someone else is distracting.

Obviously I still give it a go, I still try really hard with people who are willing to be patient with me. I get hurt a lot though since I am tragically glass hearted/sensitive and don't always "get it", but that is just part of the deal. High risk, high rewards. I get that. At the same time though, the more I get hurt, the more I start to withdraw, the less effort I make with people. Everyone gets less and less of me.

There are those wonderful exceptions to that rule who are beyond rare. Each one a sui generis in their own right.

Then there is that one those who exceeds even them. Who gets pure me, good and bad, tormented and calm, insecure and confident....he gets the entire spectrum and range of my thoughts and moods, he gets everything of me. Only one person EVER has known me like that. But when something like that goes bad and someone gets hurt...the devastation is catastrophic.

Yes, I am speaking from experience here, unfortunately. The one person on this earth who knew who I am, and I mean KNEW WHO I AM, is missing from my life. Love can be a destructive force. This isn't one of those issues where you both walk away for a bit and it dissipates. It's not easy when you're in two different places emotionally, especially in matters of the heart where one person feels very strongly and the other not so much anymore. How do you deal with that other person being vital to you, but yet they're why you're hurting? How do you reconcile that? How do you solve the issue of being around them hurts, but being without them hurts too? How do you deal with feeling like they don't care just how bad you're fucked up from it and they keep asking you to get over it when you're just in pieces? How do you deal with wondering why they got over you so quick while you're hurting weeks later (and wondering just what is so wrong with you)? How do you deal with blaming yourself? How do you deal with both wanting to give yourself to them and keep yourself from them? How do you not want to keep them at a massive distance? But the most important part....

How do you cope with all of this involving your best friend and mental soulmate who you just can't be without, but yet fear them being close to you in case they hurt you again along with being angry with them for hurting you in a way they swore not to? And that's the fucking doozy. That's where this deviates from other relationships. That's where my dissonance resonates from....

That's the part I'm so sick about. That's where I am falling apart, trying to separate my "asshole who broke my heart" feelings from my "best friend ever, can't be without" feelings.

The one person I can't stand to lose is gone because I can't separate the two. I feel like my soul died....

People will get me in prescribed doses, very low prescribed doses, while I rebuild my empire. Whether I open the doors again and how much is another discussion altogether that currently has an answer of "Fucking hell no." That will change, I'm sure, but for now, that's where it is.

The catch on this metaphorical rebuild is I can only rebuild with what I have. But now I'm missing a huge piece. I'm unsure what I will replace that with, or where I will find it. All I know is it probably has to come from me if it exists at all. How do you fill the spot of someone that played such a huge role, who you looked up to, who is beyond being your best friend and is so important and mission critical to you? I'm going to find the answer, and I sense I'm not going to like it.

Because I'm pretty sure that's irreplaceable.

I'm a lesser force without him and there's a lot less laughs and new things to try in my world. We didn't make a great team, we made THE team. I'm just a lesser person overall without him.

*holds her reset button close to her heart* Maybe this will work again someday....

~A.