Primordial Chaos

This post is not my usual light-hearted or self reflective chatter. This is me drawing a fucking line in no uncertain terms. 



My brother, being my overprotective brother, lurks about on a particularly offensive website, mostly to check if someone I know is talking shit about me. Apparently this person has been leaving commentary/links that my bro thinks are pretty obviously aimed at me. I checked myself, and yeah, they're pretty obviously aimed at me. What amuses me is that for someone who hates me SO MUCH and thinks I'm SO HORRIBLE, in order for them to make said commentary they must do a bit of browsing here and probably also my twitter. They put a lot of time and effort into keeping tabs on me, then feel a need to vaguely refer to me elsewhere. My response is this:


Grow up. Or keep taking the low road, you only make me look like the MUCH better person. I could have quite easily blanketed the internet with your so closely guarded personal info, but I didn't. You however, feel a need to keep attacking me and keep tabs on me. Which tells me I'm still on your mind for one reason or another. I'm sure all the vitriol helps you rationalize and justify your blatantly negative opinion of me, but come on. You're just projecting on to me, because we both know and my bro knows that the real bad guy here is you. You're the villain, you're the monster, you're the problem. This is just another act of cowardice, you honestly can't tell me directly you still have some issue with me? REALLY? You couldn't be direct with me before either, and we know how that went down. Something about me intimidates you, apparently. There also seems to be something about me you just can't let go of considering all the time you spend keeping yourself updated on me. Just wait till your demons dissolve your latest relationship. Bet you'll blame the other person like you do with any interpersonal relationship of yours that fails, just like you did Jenessa and just like you're doing with me. 


Interestingly enough, the other side of the Jenessa story sounds much like my experience with you. You can safely assume that I did indeed track down and inquire the other side of the story. I was far too patient and kind with you. I assumed you only needed someone who understood you, someone to be a friend and could be patient through your...ahem...moments. I was wrong, because you burn all of your own bridges to cover your mistakes.What I assumed was anger about all of this was really me being deeply disappointed at you not being who I thought you were. I should have heeded the warnings from you, from Chris and from Dan. Everything they told me about you seems to be true so far. Even your warnings about being close to you were true. I'd like to be angry, but it's just overwhelming disappointment this is where you took things, this is where my attempts to reach out to someone who I felt was very misunderstood landed me and that this is how kindness and understanding were repaid, by backstabbing, lies, manipulation, cowardice and a lack of integrity. I have no reason to believe that you meant anything you ever said or that any of it was true.


I know I am too forgiving of others, you abused that endlessly. Yet I still believe there is something worth seeing in you. I feel that way about everybody, even those who have been crappy to me. I foolishly keep hoping you'll redeem yourself, that I am completely wrong, that I really did see something good in you and it wasn't smoke and mirrors. I will always hope that. But I know that I am not likely to see any of it in this lifetime and am far more likely to see more of the negative. You've reinforced that by the asshole way you've been acting and how you acted when I tried to make peace multiple times. I'll hope anyways.


You seem to assume everything is about you. You tend to make things about you. This post is definitely all about you.


I'm not.


~A.