Primordial Chaos

Well well. I've been posting multiple times a day rather often lately. Partly because I'll hammer something out on my Droid if I'm bored, but also because I just kinda feel "talkative". I've been in quite the good humor as of late, despite the bullshit, and the better my mood the more I tend to talk. Even verbally I've been uncharacteristically talkative, everyone thinks I'm up to something. I'm just happy, calm down :P

Despite the hospital visit Sunday, I really am in pretty high spirits. I emailed all of my professors and they've all been really wonderful about me being gone this week, even emailing me their lecture notes when applicable :) So I'm staying on top of school and enjoying the unexpected down time.

I'm also obsessing somewhat over the college apps. Not so much the details but on my decisions on where I go. See, both my 1st and safety school are kinda far away. On top of that I'll have a SHIT load of decisions to make depending on which school I go to. And even more explaining to do once word gets out of where I'm off to, even if it's my safety. It's the explaining I'm kinda not looking forward to.

As it stands I'm already getting grief just for being secretive, and in the couple of hours between the previous paragraph and this one I got a few more rations of shit. I feel like I'm just being picked on. I would have thought the people around me would understand where I'm coming from, that they would have just respected how I feel. But that's not how it is happening. I think it's best I just don't say another damn word about it until I get decisions, and even then I may not share with everyone. I don't feel like many would be happy for me or have anything positive to say. That's basically how I feel now. My previously high flying mood is now one of distress and near tears. No one gets it. No one gets ME. I can't name anyone who stands behind me on this 100%. Not one. That hurts.

I just want someone, just one person, to understand. To not criticize me and make me feel like less of a person, like I'm unable to make a good decision. To not treat me like I am an idiot. To just shut their fucking mouth and support me.

But I guess I do this one alone.

~A.