Primordial Chaos

I've really got to stop having these philosophical discussions with girls in my classes. They just don't seem to end well.

So, we were doing group work in class the other day...actually, let me say a few things about group work first. This shit is the bane of my existence and college seems to love this shit. I'm smart. I know my shit. Inevitably I get paired with someone who does not. So I wind up doing the vast majority of the work and this knuckle dragging mouth breather gets a good grade because of me. If I don't, my grade is going to go into the gutter. I'm also not a fan of being forced to interact with someone I don't know. I get terribly uncomfortable. I don't like social interactions where I do not have control. So here I am doing all the work while having major anxiety, and the other person is chewing gum and texting or possibly just staring into space because they have nothing to contribute. Back to my story.

Yesterday I was paired up with this girl to do group work, and she sits by me in class usually. I've spoken to her a few times. She's actually SORTA trying to contribute, so that's cool, but she's not contributing the right information very often. Somehow I always manage to come off as polite and sociable to other people. I'm a really good faker, I guess. They feel like they can converse with me and make small talk.

So she does. She asks me what color of lipstick I'm wearing, because it's a great color. I inform her I'm wearing my standard Chapstick, the 100% natural line. She is like no way, there's no way your lips are that color. I kiss a piece of paper and prove it. She's totally shocked (?) and then stares at my face/eyes for a few seconds. I am not real happy about the eye contact. She comments that I'm not wearing ANY makeup. (she's got it on pretty thick, especially around her eyes and the black eyeshadow) I tell her I have no need or desire for makeup, sunscreen and chapstick are as fancy I get barring special occasions. She asks me if it was because I just didn't learn how to. So I explain to her (I've had this convo far too many times) I know how, I just don't. Waste of money and time, I have smooth clear skin anyways and heavy eye makeup just doesn't work for me. I don't feel a need to cover my imperfections or appear as something I'm not. She says back to me "but guys like it". So I tell her yeah, I doubt that and explain it nicely to her, but a little more bluntly here. That's false advertising, with fake lashes, makeup covering what your face looks like, eye makeup distorting what your face looks like and so on. How you see me out and about everyday is basically what I look like when I get out of bed, except my curly fro is somewhat more under control. I just like to be seen that way. She's trying to find a solid argument for makeup. I kinda like watching her try to think of something she can defend, you can see she is straining to do so. She comes up with "but it's part of being a grown woman". I then tell her that I must be a grown ass man then, because I don't do makeup.

She tries one last time, this time with a backhanded comment. She says I'm pretty, but I could really highlight and display it better with makeup. I'm starting to get pissed off, bad enough I have to do group work, now I gotta deal with this shit. So I get snarky. I tell her "well, if in order to highlight my attractiveness I have to display to the world I am not comfortable with myself the way I am by covering it up with makeup, I'll be right over here, being ugly as sin". I seriously wish I could have taken a picture of her face and how I basically just told her hey, way to be insecure. I almost laughed, but instead I smiled my "gotcha bitch" smile and went back to work. She got up and left the room shortly after, but left her stuff. I assumed she was gonna go be emo in the bathroom or something. I just tried to finish the damn assignment. She comes back about 10 minutes later.

She's washed off all of her makeup. She just sat down, and said "you're right". (Of course I am, this is just how the world works) She then makes some commentary about how she isn't as unattractive without makeup as she thought. (duh) I smile at her and say "see, don't you feel better without all crap on your face smearing everywhere?". She agrees then says this will save her 45 minutes in the morning. (Holy fuck, 45 minutes to put on makeup? I am showered, dressed and my backpack ready to go in 45 minutes.) I just tell her to use that time to sleep in a bit, her skin will thank her. I've finished the assignment at this point, so I let her copy over the answers. We turn it in and get to leave since we're done, and before we go different directions she turns to me and says "You know what Aeris, you're pretty cool and I like how you think, I'll see ya next class" and walks off.

See, I've always been the outsider, the weird one, someone who is not setting any trends. To have someone emulate me intrigues the fuck out of me. I'm not your typical coed undergrad. But I can fit in like I am.

I like not having to be just the outsider anymore. I get to be an insider too.

~A.