Primordial Chaos

And it's not the one I thought it'd be either. I thought I'd be crying over Ryan. Not so much, and life also got way more interesting as well.

So, as time went on, I started showing more and more of myself and my life on my blog. Even when I felt I shouldn't say anything or worried what will people think, I did it anyways. This one of those posts. My radio silence was because I was unsure on if I should say anything or nothing. However, considering I have been losing sleep and feeling really conflicted yet curious about my current situation, a certain degree of it goes here. Also since my dad and belle-mere use this pretty heavily to keep up on me, I feel a need to at least say something.

So, this little mental hurricane has two parts. Well, many parts but they stem from two sources.

First off, I'll address Ryan. Saturday night we had a massive fight and that's the last we've spoken. He was talking of and almost pressuring me to make a heavy commitment to him after he got back. I basically told him "No, hell no". He wasn't thrilled by my reply, I was not thrilled he went there even though he knew I couldn't go there and I told him from the outset I would not go there. There's also that whole seeing each other about a month thing. He was talking about moving in together. I don't think so. So considering what was said and how things ended, I don't think I'll hear from him anymore. Especially since he left on Monday for Japan. My usual rule applies, don't bring him up to me unless I say something first. I'm kinda pissed off about the whole deal and how his jumping the gun, WAY jumping the gun, ruined a perfectly good friendship at the very least. In that whole dust up I realized that I was trying to use Ryan to fill some of the holes W left behind since they shared some similarities. A band-aid to try and cover a complete evisceration. I've said before W was not even remotely replaceable to me and my world. It's true. A lot truer than I sometimes care to admit. Regardless of all the other progress I'd made personally, both mental and physical, I was NOT the same person after him. I've been called out on that by at least 5 different people over the past few months. If you can't understand how bad it will fuck with you having someone and losing someone who means that much to you, who holds that much prestige in your world, then this will merely sound like I am waxing poetic. I'm not. There's a reason I keep saying things like this about him, they're true. Even after all the bullshit and moderately childish (VERY childish) remarks I made regarding him, he was still my number one. Maybe not in the same way, but he was half of me regardless of anything else.

I'm haunted by phantasms of the past. The break from W was not even remotely clean, and ever seen those 3 sided daggers? They're like that because they make a wound that is difficult to heal. Think the place for your straw on the plastic lids of drinks. Once you put that straw in then take it out, that shit is not going back to the way it was. That's the wound W left behind. It was very slow to bounce back from that, and I can't say at all I've completely done so. But I was making slight amounts of progress, and any step forward is still a step forward. When shit went south around midterms of last fall semester, my grades went to hell. I did not have anything higher than a C. I was a mental and emotional disaster. Somehow I managed a 3.75 GPA at the end of the semester, and that in and of itself is progress to me. But everyday he haunted me, and I couldn't break the tie that bound me to him. We'd said before nothing could break whatever it is that binds us two, and I surely thought we had in that whole...mess. Or at least he had broken his tie with me.

WRONG.

Sunday night I'm laying in bed reading for class, and I hear that "Droid" everyone around me fucking hates but I love. :P Blue blinking light, that means an email. So I opened it and began to read. And I got dizzy and about passed the fuck out, plus my heart was racing. For hours after I swore I was dreaming, that this couldn't be. The careful although incomplete image of myself I'd so painstakingly created after W fell to the floor, shattered. I didn't care, it had been missing pieces anyways.

Those pieces returned.

It was an email from W, and I remember seeing his online name I knew so well in my inbox and almost falling over and passing out. Instead I was dizzy for hours, in a state of disorientation and disbelief. This couldn't be. I was lucid dreaming, I had to be. But I wasn't. So I emailed him back.

I'm not going into any detail the email conversation that follows. It was awkward for me though. I didn't know what to think, what to feel...or even what to say. But that email told me in non-direct terms he couldn't break his bond to me either. I could start from there. And I'm trying to.

Remember all the goddamn times I've said I've forgiven him for what happened and I have zero bad feelings about that mess? That got tested. Was I really THAT big of a person to just let bullshit in the past stay there? Or would some of the hurt trigger one of my rages/rants about how things went down? Was I really everything I thought I was...did I really feel that way...

Yep. I felt no anger, no hatred, no pain, no negative emotion along those lines even. Not once in our email back and forth did I ever feel any of that. I'm not going to paint the picture I was overjoyed to hear from him. But I wasn't unhappy to hear from him either. I mention this partly because before, I would have felt one of those two extremes. And acted in such a way. But here I was, Ms. Emo, completely fucking chill about it. Another sign of progress, however small it may seem to others.

What I DID feel was confusion and more than a bit of hesitation. Once burned twice shy kind of mindset. I really wondered if I could even let him back into my world, was it worth it? Would I be left decimated again? Here he was at the doorstep to my bizarre little world, and I honestly didn't know at first if I really could let him in. However, I absolutely could and did. Things are weird and awkward, I guess our dynamic has to be re-established. We're both kinda being cautious, me concerned he's gonna hurt me and he concerned I'll lash out. I didn't expect much in a day. Time will show how this plays out.

I know some of you (P) don't exactly approve of all of this. Which I understand is based out of concern, since some of those same people were the ones helping me pick my pieces back up. However something is very palpably different. There's been some intense and difficult realizations on both parts, and I go into this with some hesitation but also with a smile. Especially now that I know we weren't so wrong about being bound to each other and not being able to break it. Whatever happens from here, happens. It won't be a smooth ride, but I suspect once this whole awkwardness dissipates, it'll be a fun ride. I also go into this not being an emotional time bomb and rather laid back. I learned after all of this how to take things in stride. So I will. Besides, he has a Droid. You can't be that bad of a person if you're smart enough to own a Droid.

It's funny, both of us have tried in different ways to break the other away from their life for various reasons good and bad. But we can't. Neither one of us has a damn clue why, but we've realized we just can't. The other person is so entrenched in our respective selves...it's kinda like trying to kick yourself out of your own life. You can't do it, you're just in a state of denial until the absence of the other takes a heavy toll on you, and the obvious becomes obvious to you. We haunted each other because we couldn't shake the other from some core part of our beings. Once again, I'm not waxing poetic. This is just kinda how things are and you either get it or you don't and it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm sure outwardly he was far more stoic than I, but I think we both had a very similar struggle mentally over whatever the fuck happened. You'd think a large blowout that affected me so deeply would be seared into my mind, every detail clear and precise.

I don't even know what the fuck we were arguing about. And that's the way I like it.

~A.