Primordial Chaos

So there's been a bit of drama lately, as I've mentioned. The pre-med bullshit, bit of a blowout with Ryan, hurricane Warren is back and I'm having a hard time processing that...shit's crazy. This is NOT where I sorta saw myself Friday and Saturday. I figured I'd be moping about Ryan, rambling about some inane facet of my life to try and block out Ryan being gone, I'd even half started some posts for Monday and Tuesday, well had some topics jotted down for both, even left space to paste some of the sappy crap I was sure Ryan would email me...

Yeah. NO. None of that happened. Shit went in a completely different direction. One I could not have predicted under any circumstances. I don't like being caught off guard, because that means I am NOT the one with the advantage. And I get kinda spazzy when vulnerable. But I'm not spazzy this time. I'm just confused. This is so far away from what I thought this week would be like that I can't get a grasp on it. Every time I think of this week and some of the crap that entails, I'm just like "What. The. Fuck." I'm seriously having some issues grasping this as my reality.

I think and remember in very vivid pictures. There's this moment where I heard my Droid go off, picked it up to check who it was from, and I damn near passed out after having only seen in green the name who it was from. My whole body locked up, and I remember looking at my phone while dizzy and since everything was blurry and dark, thinking this was a dream. Besides the whole not believing it aspect, I am fascinated by how surreal everything was at that moment while I'm dizzy and feel like I'm gonna puke. Also rather intrigued at the neutrality I felt then, not upset or unhappy but also not bouncing with joy. Just kinda wtf-ish. I still check my damn Droid once in a while to see if that really happened. It did.

I don't have any answers for any of my questions yet. This does not frustrate me. It summons a few lines from a song:

"Look into the wall of my mind's eye, I think I know but I don't know why, the questions are the answers you might need..."

It's all pretty applicable. The last part is the part that has me in deep thought. The questions are the answers...I am fairly convinced that's exactly what will happen. I just don't know if the answers are my questions or other questions. I'm pondering both ways. The initial realization is the idea of would I be happy with solid answers or more questions. I don't know how much, if any, of either I want. I'm heavily mulling that over. I STRONGLY suspect questions.

This is a prime example of me dumping some of the mind traffic so I can think a bit clearer. I've been staring at the ceiling for 2 hours completely lost in basically these thoughts. How my pattern of reactions has been does not match with what I'm going through now. I should be, and could justify, being REALLY upset. But I'm not. We're far enough removed timewise from my lowest emotional point that wild elation isn't an option either.

My favorite question is why. I think that's kinda obvious sometimes. Now would be an interesting time to ask it. But I'm not. Actually, me completely upset/distressed emotionally asking why is how I would assume I react. That's not this. My calm is kinda scaring me, even though I know it's a good thing. I couldn't even guess my own reaction to this. Thoughtful, curious, and calm. Where'd emo Aeris go? My mom told me to not talk to strangers. :( Do I really not know myself that well? If I can't even predict me, then who the fuck else would be able to?

I think shit like this all day. Obsessive introspection. And I change trains of thought like this too. I seriously do write like I think. Which says volumes about my mind and what it is like.

I just had the thought of maybe my answers to the reflective of my questions are the answers I want. I'm going to go test this while staring off into space looking like no one is home upstairs. But there's plenty going on upstairs, they're just too busy to keep the lights on all the time for your convenience.

Calm and patient, yet strong and understanding. I don't think I'm doing so bad taking things in stride now.

~A.