Primordial Chaos

 Song by Robin Thicke

I realized I'm bizarrely private about writing my blog. I couldn't even think about what to write with other people in the room. I just knew I wanted to write. It's different with Ryan though, and I think it's because we're happy just being together and not talking. I get so distracted being in a conversation and trying to write I get frustrated and lose track of both. As soon as they (yeah, you two) left the living room I grabbed the laptop to write. It wasn't always like this, but I think as my blog has gotten more personal and I get more into private details, I want to write in private until I'm ready to release that info. My posts are not always written the day they post. I even prewrite the ones about basketball and then wait to see if we win or lose and put in the details later once I know. Or I'll prewrite a post then add some current details or something. It's not like I go back and refine these or spellcheck them or edit them in any way. Sometimes they just sit as drafts until I feel like posting. But then I make them very public so I'm not sure why the writing process is so private lately.

I am thinking of doing a post of me, Ryan and P rambling about crap. It's a weird but interesting dynamic between us 3. P basically being the weird. :P I'm kinda afraid of where the conversation would go, knowing P he'd aim right for the juicy stuff. Most of it being stuff Ryan and I aren't ready to talk about.

I am so dejected from the last game and we've lost two in a row that the game tomorrow isn't registering too high with me. I'm also out of town for a home game so that sucks. But I've also got some heavy thoughts I'm working through so it may just be that. Ryan's staying home and watching it on TV since I won't be there, so he can text me updates along with all the other texts he sends. Today we've gone through...263 texts. We don't really like being apart. :P

Which leads to the whole him leaving thing. It's got us both pretty upset. And after being so burned after doing distance the last time...I'm not really feeling up to doing that again. And he thinks it's a bit unreasonable with the time difference and everything, we'd have to keep weird hours to stay in touch except by email because of our schedules. I guess we've both come to the same conclusion for different reasons, but neither one of us wants to say it or acknowledge it. He loves me, I love him...but love isn't everything...

I'm still mentally working through the crap that went down in my previous relationship and am still upset and hurt by some things. Now I have to come to terms with this guy who I want to pursue something with has to leave for a few months. And who knows what will be after that. Either one of us could meet someone closer and immediate...I know how THAT ends. I'm bracing for some really painful days ahead. Even acknowledging this is a bad situation is hard, I can't even say the obvious conclusion. Ignoring it won't make it go away...

When I leave here I'm going directly to his house and we'll face it together then. I just hope the high emotions don't become a negative situation with arguing and such. I'm pretty notorious for lashing out when upset. I chase people away when I'm upset...to protect me...Not always the best solution. I'm so hesitant to let someone close that when I get hurt I feel I need that person to go away for a bit until I see they're not out to destroy me and I get a chance to think things over.

P asked me in a text today if Ryan plays guitar since I have this very specific type of guy I tend to date. I told him Ryan plays Guitar Hero and I'm gonna let it count. :P

As my 5th class I wound up going with Sociology 101. A class I've been trying to avoid along with any form of social psychology. I'm just not even remotely interested and it's just basic psychology applied to a group of people. I guess I could learn a thing or two about society and social whatevers, but goddamn. I was doing just fine not knowing how fucked up the people around me are as a whole. Like I need any more reasons to dislike being around people.

I feel so conflicted right now. I'm trying to just go with my stream of consciousness but the whole Ryan situation keeps coming to the forefront and interrupting. Its a matter of what I know, what I believe, what I want and what I need. That sounds kinds lyrical, hmm.

I'm feeling like I'm just doomed as far as love goes. I'm glass hearted in the first place but to keep taking blows like this is brutal. It's not like a blind date didn't work out or something, these are major relationships that are falling apart. Of course, I'm so self critical my initial reaction is it is my fault which doesn't help my mindset.

I've been doing a lot of talking with my stepmom and it's been really interesting because we have two very different views. And we don't wind up arguing like me and my dad do. :P I definitely got his "hold your ground" attitude in discussion. It's actually been rather useful, unless I'm talking to him. :P

Life is so damn crazy, and mine is so up in the air right now. I wonder what all will fly away...

~A.