Primordial Chaos

Totally going to regret my 3 hour nap this afternoon. I sure needed it though.

This week has been fun, and it's looking like all 5 of my classes are going to be damn good times. ALL of my professors are cool, they're funny, it's looking like I won't have much homework but a bunch of reading, I got my fav professor for one of my classes...all in all I'm pretty excited. I have a young goth/punk type of girl with dyed black hair and a lot of arm tattoos named Precious teaching my math class. She's a small girl but good lord she is loud. She's definitely not what comes to mind when I hear math teacher. I like her though. Still not a fan of math. :P

Lobos play tonight, away game at Air Force...here's hoping they get their shit together, if they lose to Air Force I'm gonna cry. Air Force is the worst team in our conference, and by A LOT. I had big hopes for both the Heels and the Lobos at the beginning of the season but holy fuck both are sucking at this point. I got my tickets for the next few games last night, and I'm in section 26, but much further away from the court than my last seats. Which is fine with me, because sitting close to the court also means going up and down a lot of damn stairs. Going to the bathroom was an ordeal. There's a game Saturday and me and Ryan are going, his last game before he goes. I've kinda lost a little bit of heart for the Lobos with him not being there. It's a fucking bummer.

That's the elephant in the room this week, Ryan leaves early Monday morning. The first couple days of class were a nice distraction, but now that it's time to get into a routine and the newness is over with, it's RIGHT FUCKING THERE in my mind. This semester is really going to be fun and my so called boring classes look like they won't be so boring. I really should be excited but I am depressed as hell. He and I have been moping around the past few days, it just SUCKS. Saturday evening we'll do one last post together, then after that it's going to be all me again. It was an interesting experiment having him and P around. They're great people, sometimes goofy and immature, but so am I. They see me a lot differently than I do, and even I learned a couple of things about me. So much love to both of you.

I'm trying not to cry right now while writing this, but I'm upset. It hurts. Even though we'll stay in touch it'll be different not having him around. Especially since now I'll have to be the one who spends time with P! :P Both of them have been on my case to not overdo it because I'm upset. When I'm upset, I become a severe workaholic. It also tends to be when I start new projects or hobbies or whatever and I get obsessed with those. So I'm going to try really hard to pace myself and enjoy this semester. I'm sure I'll feel better sooner rather than later.

This is a fucking wild thought that blows my mind, but I don't know where the fuck I will be for Fall 2010. Will I be a Lobo still? If not, where will I be? Does their basketball team suck? (:P) I'm right at this fork in the road, and all paths lead to success, but how will I get to success? Will I make the right decision? Will I royally fuck up everything? These questions are fucking haunting me. I need to live in the now, but the now sucks with Ryan leaving. I need to calm down. It's hard right now though. I'm admittedly distressed. I didn't want to write a post tonight, but I thought maybe saying some of what's on my mind would help. Yeah, I don't fucking think so. I may not post or post erratically for a while, between Ryan, the new semester, my identity crisis as far as what is real me and what isn't, the whole college application jazz hands dance...I've got a lot to deal with. Sometimes the best way for me to get through some shit is to remove myself from everyone else. So don't stress if I disappear, and don't worry about me if I do. I'm Badass, and nothing can stop me for long.

I think the only reason I actually did write this was to procrastinate a reading assignment that is really boring. However, I want to be THAT person who strolls into class and seemingly knows everything about what the professor is saying. I love being that person. I love being a smartass and a jackass, because I've figured out if I answer all the questions the prof asks and participate in the discussion they're trying to start, then that makes everyone else look like they are not on top of their shit. At the same time, it encourages those who are on top of their shit to also speak up. No one wants to be the first person to speak up. Fuck it, I will. I'm not going to spend class looking at everyone staring blankly at the professor when they ask a question. That makes class so damn long. When 50 minutes drags ass, you know something needs to change. I'm also far enough outside of the box with my ideas, viewpoints and opinions that I can run a bit controversial. This also tends to get people to speak up. When I open my mouth, things happen and people react. I find this incredibly interesting.

So, in order to keep myself out of getting a ticket and until I get a few days to work on the wiring, I managed to convert my xenon headlights back to halogen and both work perfectly thank you very much. So I'm like everyone else with standard boring ass headlights. I woke up at 4 this morning, so I took a few hours before class to get it all hooked up. I had to run wires (UGH) and repair some of the disaster that is my headlight wiring, but I got it done. I am totally proud of myself. The car place wanted 679 bucks to do the conversion. I did it for 40, most of which was the cost of the standard bulbs. It was a bitch though, so I understand the price tag. But fuck them and fuck that. It's much more fun to do it yourself, well at least for me. I even went out and bought the professional repair manual for my car, mostly to straighten out the wiring, but also in case of other things I may need to do. I love working on my car. Most guys I know don't like doing that. I am a breed of my own. (The answer isn't halfbreed either. :P) As I've gotten older and explored my world, I realized I like being way the hell outside of box. I'm off in the wilderness on my own, but I seem to be having more fun that way. Also, mechanics can't rip me off or bullshit me. When I first got the car I found a couple of them tried to do that. They treat women like they don't know a damn thing about cars, so they can lie or fudge the truth and make it sound serious to justify the price or whatever. The vast majority fall for this. The fucking hell if I will.

I guess I'm just independent that way. That won't change anytime soon.

~A.