Primordial Chaos

So, usually my posts are all done online/on my Droid. I just get an idea and start writing until I feel like I'm done. I actually started this one handwritten on paper because I wanted to make sure I covered everything I wanted to, and I also want this topic to be done well. This is THE most intense post I've done. It's not all that easy to confront and confess these thoughts. I kinda assumed Warren doesn't read this when we're on good terms, but he does and does so regularly. I got a little embarrassed when he brought up I talk about him, but he said it was cute so it's cool. It's stuff I don't talk about with him or say to him, really, or least not on this level. However, I will NOT change what I say or how I say it, I write my thoughts here, and it's not stuff I talk about with other people, this is me trying to sort my head out, this is me talking to...me. Exclusive content here people, I'm confessing some deep shit today.

So I said on Twitter I'm confused and I think my definition of love is broken. What I mean is how I classify relationships. My "definition" is a quote "Love is the recognition of oneself in another and delight in that recognition". That still holds very very true.

I like to try and act/think like I'm just a normal girl, AKA deny I'm ridiculously smart and more importantly deny I'm autistic. But the harsh truth is that I am very fucking autistic, and I have to fight almost every waking moment to control it, especially to function in school. People who tell me shit like "well, your autism must be going away, you seem fine to me" make me so fucking angry because they have no idea how fucking hard I have to work to do so. Every day for the rest of my life I'll have to struggle and sometimes just completely strike out. But sometimes, I just get the wrong idea.

I bring that up to say this, only in the past 4 years since I've been diagnosed have I learned anything about the dynamics and nuances of interpersonal relationships. What being friends means, lovers, just dating, married, romantic relationship...I had to learn the rules and expected behaviors in such situations. Sadly, only experience can really teach you, all I am armed with is my limited experience in 4 years and the basic, stereotypical rules, you don't cheat on the person you're with, friends always back each other up, etc. The media portrayal of what interpersonal relationships are also part of what I "know" about relationships. Even though I know it's basically idealistic bullshit, I still sometimes have no other example or understanding of a situation. So I'm really behind everyone in that department.

And then I get hit with my relationship with Warren. I already don't know what the fuck I'm doing, and now here is the most complicated and complex relationship I've ever even heard of. And it's MINE. I gotta figure this fucking thing out because it is so important to me. HOLY. SHIT.

My feelings for Warren became very intense, and the only word I knew for strong feelings was love, so I fell in love with him despite my personal resistance. But my IDEA of what being in love means caused a few problems between me and him because it was so limited. It's an exclusive COMPLETE commitment to someone, so I thought. My extreme ideas about loyalty and personal loyalty reinforced that classification of love.

The elephant in the room was the distance issue. There were reasons my limited idea was going to be problematic. About 1,760 or so reasons. Kinda not a day trip.

We both struggled with how we felt, and a lot of it because we couldn't physically be together. So we dated other people, but, how to describe this, we were each other's emotional "home". We loved only each other, but physical shit happened elsewhere. Jealousy ran rampant between us, and fights were kinda common. But our one solid rule was do not talk about our escapades with the other. That rule became pretty useless because we both could sense when the other had been out with someone. The jealousy got worse and then we just accused the other of being out with someone if they didn't get back to us right away or if we didn't hear from them for a while. There was a reprieve there when we calmed down, and there was talk of closing the distance gap. Shortly after that shit went completely and I think irreparably south and the worst of the fighting commenced. The breaking point was when our one rule was broken. Warren threw it in my face he was headed out to sleep with someone and I Lost. My. Shit. and completely went off on him and said so pretty not nice things. I believe it was the day after that we stopped speaking. I was straight traumatized I'd lost him. Between that and some other personal bullshit, I fell apart. This is when my grades hit all C's last semester.

I tried to make myself learn from it, and look for lessons I could use going forward and maybe refine my ideas of a relationship for future reference. Note I said I TRIED. I failed. I didn't care what I could learn, I was hurting without him. I had no more interest in the subject of relationships.

Then we reconnected, and I've talked about that off and on here. But I still had my weird/limited ideas, and I still loved him. I assumed we were back to where we were before we imploded, that we were "together" exclusively, and once we made sure everything was patched up we could possibly resume the discussion of closing the distance.

Annnnnnnnnd NO. While we were apart he had acquired a girlfriend. Guess who flipped out when she found out? ME! See, I figured this meant I was nowhere near as important, that he didn't care about me like before, like I was somehow not good enough or inferior...that I wasn't #1 anymore. Alpha Aeris didn't really take this well. Because she goddamn knows she's #1 period.

So I went on my rant and rampage, just completely pissed off. I took some things he'd said as way more negative than they were which frustrated him. A good night's sleep and my return to classes chilled me out. I was still jaded (I'm #1!) and I was making snarky comments, but I knew we'd never part again no matter what happened or how pissed we got. We'd just step away, chill for a day or two and reset. No matter what we'd never lose each other and we'd always be best friends if nothing else. I was still hella hurt and took it as a commentary on myself.

As I do, I got to (over) thinking, and between that and him telling me he didn't love her, I thought maybe I was assuming too much and wasn't seeing EVERYTHING. Oh, fuck it, I realized I was wrong. And I WAS wrong. He does love me and I'm still #1 (better fucking recognize!). I made another error in assuming a girlfriend means love and commitment. That's all I really knew of what a girlfriend "is". Sometimes, it can be just seeing one person instead of dating many. Or that's wishful thinking on my part.

Yesterday evening we were kinda snarky to each other, and he told me he was going to bed because our moods were clashing. (For the record, I was in a GOOD mood.) I told him good because he's being cranky as fuck. I laid down in bed with Metro snuggling up to me and I was playing solitaire on my phone. And then my phone rings. And it's NOT Oasis The Turning which is my standard ringtone. It was Live Forever, Warren's ringtone. So I answer, kinda confused, and comment I thought he was going to bed. He gives me some bullshit answer (:P) and we get to talking. We get to being silly and giggling and as usual giggling more than we talked. As he does, he said listen, which means it's serious time. He brought up the whole girlfriend thing and I was trying to be cool and seem like I was shrugging it off. Because alpha females don't sulk! I don't know if or think he bought it. He then explained how he feels about me and that's when I realized to take a deeper look at my ideas I had about love and relationships, I had something wrong. We got off the phone laughing, but now that we were off the phone I had full mental focus and I got to fucking thinking. This is when my first Twitter rant manifested last night about how my idea of love is broken. I put my phone on it's cradle, set my alarm and snuggled Metro so we can go to sleep. Alexandroid starts singing Live Forever again so I answer, wondering why he's calling me again. Apparently before bed he read my Twitter feed and wanted to ask what was up with what I said. So I try to explain, but very quickly become confused and frustrated. He takes over, as he does (:P), and lets me know that yeah this is complicated and even he doesn't really understand it. He kept reassuring me, making sure I didn't get upset over this, that it's normal and how I feel is normal, that I'm just fine...and WE are just fine. And then came this outpouring from him that I didn't expect and completely took my heart. He basically told me very clearly that I am more important to him than he could ever express and that he loves me, absolutely loves me, and wants to hold me and always be close...I realized that he does feel like I do, the complexity of our situation frustrates him too and he says he loves me as a "friend" but isn't even sure what that really means.

BLEW. MY. FUCKING. MIND.

Second late night Twitter rant came after that second call. I was stupid happy and love high. And I had been very very wrong. But he made sure that I knew how he feels and that being confused is ok. It meant so much to me for him to say what he said. All of it.

Off the phone again, so high powered analytical thinking resumes. What IS love? What are he and I? Can I make any sense of this and ease my mind a little? How does this relate to me understanding him, myself and my world a little more?

I'm going into this philosophical rant about love. I'm going to tackle this right here, right now, and write my thoughts as I think them. I'm baring my soul here, and I don't know how that's going to work out. What if I'm still wrong about how he feels? I hate being wrong because I hate HATING myself for being wrong. I'd start questioning if I really do understand him, and I'm really not as special as I think I am, and I got this wrong AGAIN...so on and so on with the self hating inquisitions. Not only is love my most sensitive topic, but Warren is my softest point PERIOD. And being wrong about how he feels would break my heart again. I'm kinda tired of that.

So, what is love to me? I feel what I have with Warren is at least love. I don't doubt that ever. But is it a friendly love? Romantic? Something else? We do love each other as friends, but it's more than that. Romantic love? Well, sorta. I don't like the way romantic love is portrayed or what people feel the rules of romantic love are. We're beyond that. It's an affectionate tenderness that seems to go beyond that. It's not a boyfriend girlfriend thing, and I think that and the friends title really understates if not insults the sheer power of what we have. We're a team, there's no me without him or him without me.

Maybe it's not that what I think love should be is wrong. Maybe this isn't love, but something greater. But there's no word for it, love is the most powerful word available for what we have. I mean, look, we're both attracted to each other, we both care about each other in a way we can't explain, we are both very similar in the areas that really matter in life, all the aspects of what you'd expect in a romantic relationship are there. But to me, to call him my boyfriend seems insulting to him. I throw away boyfriends like used toilet paper. I will never ever get rid of him, I NEED him. End of story. The only term that's ever been remotely acceptable is soulmates. To quote my fav philosopher, Aristotle (Aeristotle? :P), Love is but one soul dwelling in two bodies. So soulmates works for me. And the word love will have to do, even though in ANY sense of the word it's inaccurate. But I kinda understand why even he felt confused about how he loves me, or I should say in what sense. The word just doesn't work. Maybe we should make one. :P

So, I've straightened out the whole emotion part of it, and kinda what we are to each other. This leaves the question well what the fucking hell do we DO with this? How do we advance this? Where do we take this? This brings up a fucking SLEW of issues. First, there's those 1,760 reasons this is complicated in the first fucking place. Do we close that gap? Should we? Could we? And how the fuck could any other relationship we have while apart compare to this? No one could be in his place, ever. No relationship would ever EVER mean as much as ours. And how the fuck would anyone else we're amusing ourselves with EVER understand? They'd get incredibly jealous and that's kinda drama waiting to happen. Earlier I went back and reread some of my posts, something I've done like twice before. And I noticed I said something I should have remembered with Warren. Us seeing other people isn't a commentary on the other person, but on the situation. I believe that's pretty true here. We can't just lock ourselves away, we're human beings. We like to have sex, interact with other people, be social, go on dates and so on. But we can't with each other, so someone else will have to do. When push comes to shove though, I believe if we had a choice, we'd be each other's first choice. How do we keep from stagnating and/or getting boring? How do we keep from getting frustrated? Where do we go from here? Where do we WANT to go?

I still feel a little jealous, but not angry. I think I understand now. I'm so pouting about Valentine's Day coming up because I don't even want to think about what's going on, but I'll get over that too. I'll EVENTUALLY get over my idea of going to go see him on my Spring Break going down in flames too. EVENTUALLY. But I REALLY want to go see him. :( *sigh* I wanna hug and be hugged and just be close to him. My heart aches, ya know? I hope I get to sooner rather than later. = / I just want to spend some time by his side.

I think right now it's the uncertainty of everything and all the unknowns that are bothering me. I'm so used to my life being rather strictly planned, I know where I'm going and what I'm doing. But not only do I not know where me and Warren are going, I don't fucking know where I'll be next fall for school! My whole beautifully structured and planned life is now completely in the air. Nothing is certain but what my goal is. I'm so nervous about it all. But I'm really excited too! Life and adventures await. But could I at least get a compass so I know where I'm headed?

I would like to end this with a quote from Warren, from July 12th 2009 over instant messenger:

(10:42:30 PM) Warren: i have to go to bed now.  but if i had to choose, i'd choose you.

I'd choose you too, love. I'd choose you too.

~A.