Primordial Chaos

 So I had this really long, awesome, entertaining and cool post I wanted to post. Now, not so much. So, different topics that were brought up to me recently. Actually, they're brought up to me A LOT, and I've touched on them before. I really should be writing this with a sense of humility and maybe shame for my behavior, but I don't feel that way so here it comes arrogant style.


So, I have two pretty terrible personality/character flaws. One is a sort of sub-characteristic of the other. The larger flaw is I am an extreme alpha female. Obnoxiously so. I think it's why I fucking hate other women. Because as far as I am concerned, they're lesser than me. Now, there are females I respect. Two of them. My mom and Celeste. But they're not alphas and I don't see them as equals. Not in a condescending way, but like in mental and physical strength. They can't come near me. I still love them to death and will protect both of them. But that's because I'm the strongest. :P

I've been told you can tell when I walk into a room I'm an alpha female just by the way I walk and carry myself. And if not that, then my attitude will tell you. This whole alpha thing lends to my tendencies to be a little TOO willing to get in a fight. I don't lose. I've NEVER lost a fight. Not even when I was a kid. I beat the shit out of this 15 year old guy for calling me the N word. I was 10. It's a really fucked up and kinda primal thing. Like I'm laying down the law of who is Queen Shit around here, and it isn't you, so now I'm going to show you where your place is. I am incredibly aggressive. My temper is notoriously demonic, and it's why people say I'll summon armageddon when I'm pissed. But I seriously think I'm number 1, and everyone else needs to get with it. My brother is an alpha male and does the same damn things. Of course, he's like 10 feet tall so he even looks the part of an alpha male.

So, I don't take not being number one to someone who matters (AHEM) really well. Because basically, were this a wolf pack (LOBOS!), she'd be crow food after I chewed out her throat. Know your place, bitch. But that being said, I'm not a loud person, I tend to be pretty quiet unless you've crossed some line. The girls that are all loud and talking shit all the time about how good they are, well, they're just trying to appear to be alpha females. Other females will get intimidated and respect them more often than not. Only amongst people I know well do I ever get super arrogant like that, and usually I'm goofing around. I'm not much of a bragging type. Besides, my dad brags enough about me to have that covered pretty well. :P I don't need to tell you I am badass, you will find out soon enough one way or another. Seriously, I honestly think I'm the best of the best. If you have any other female around, you're settling for less. (AHEM) If I'm not number one to you, and you don't mean shit to me, then I basically feel you DESERVE lesser than me. Sometimes people go from being everything to me to not meaning as much, and I start thinking they might just deserve lesser. (A-FUCKING-HEM)

What is interesting about all of this is you would think this runs counter to my inherently solitary nature and/or autistic tendencies because of the social basis of being an alpha female. I think it might just contribute to it. I decide who I feel is worth knowing personally, and it's NOT a lot of people. I don't want lesser males near me, and I surely don't want lesser (AKA any :P) females near me. So basically disregarding most of the population leaves me with few people I feel like associating with, but I like that in the first place. Other women tend to travel in herds of similar females. There isn't anyone even close to being similar to me, so I don't need no stinkin' herd. COWS travel in herds. So hey there heifers. PREY travel in herds because they're weak as individuals and that whole safety in numbers thing. Think about it, you fuck with one girl at the club and she's there with her friends, her friends gotta get in the mix too. You fuck with me you deal with me and just me. And that's more than enough for most to handle. ;)

To get to the sub-characteristic of being an alpha female that's a major flaw of mine is basically my dating habits. You know that girl who goes through guys like toilet paper? That's me. See, I might initially hit it off with a guy, but inevitably I start to see if I can control him, wrap him around my finger and if he can match me mentally. If I can, I get bored FAST and start looking for who is next in line. It's not like they get me in bed or anything, I have a very strong reputation for freezing guys out like that. Which strangely enough entices guys to try and see if they can get me in bed, if they can be the one who conquers me. This makes me fucking laugh. Because inevitably the most confident ones who are so sure they can conquer me are the ones I gain control of the fastest. And then I'm bored. And then they're gone. My brother is the same way, but he conquers girls by fucking them then that's when he gets bored. Anyways, I'm usually toying with 3-5 guys at a time. I also like to pit them against each other to compete for my attention. Then they get left behind because I don't like their super aggressive behavior towards each other since I can date freely, I'm nobody's girlfriend, so for them to display such acts of intense jealousy doesn't appeal to me. I'm a bitch. I'm ok with that. I refuse to settle for anything less that what I want/need.

Now, because I want someone who is also very smart and strong, the guys I do tend to take seriously are alpha males. But they get the same treatment, if I can control them, then they aren't alpha enough and I'll get bored. I seriously will not bend AT ALL WHATSOEVER on that I want someone who can match me mentally and stay out of my traps. A smart guy is a required trait, no compromise. Ever. At all. I HATE being mentally bored, especially with people. This is why I have more friends who are professors than students. :P (7 more, to be exact)

Aw fuck, I was trying to not go here but fuck it, I'll talk about it. *edits post title* Warren is an alpha male. Even between he and I, HE is alpha. He's the only person I've ever ceded to. This fucking drives me nuts on a purely egotistical level. I'm used to being in charge. With him, yeah, the fuck if I'm in charge. We actually have the worst blowouts when I try to be alpha and challenge him. Because guess what people? I'M NOT ALPHA WITH HIM. And my ass is out of my place, and I should probably get back there in a fucking hurry. I also fucking love this. I've met my match. There's someone on this god damn planet who can not only match me but BEST me. This makes me laugh with glee. And also pisses me off and frustrates me.

But he's always treated me like his equal, I was never inferior to him, I just wasn't in charge. We see each other as equals. The other has strengths where we have weaknesses. We help each other see new things and see new ways. Together we just have a damn good time. There's always a bit of a power struggle, and I never win it. I'm cool with that. That doesn't mean he wins it easy though. ;)

Listen, despite the fact I want to beat him upside the back of his head with a 2x4 right now, one thing holds very fucking frustratingly true. We can't be without each other. We're both completely aware of this. It hurts when the other isn't there, we're fucking miserable without each other no matter how pissed off we are. The anger goes away REALLY QUICK once the pain kicks in. We both learned a lot about our dynamic over those 3 months. And even though I wanted to castrate him last night and he got upset at me for going off the deep end (asshole), that whole horrible time period and the unpleasantness is still pretty fresh in our minds. A few snarky comments during the day, but we were right back to our fucked up dynamic. This is the craziest bullshit ever. I'm not mad. At all. Jaded, oh hell yes, but not mad. And despite what he tries to tell me about how he feels, it's obvious I'm not getting the whole story and he's deflecting/pushing me away for some reason or another, and I kinda don't care why. Shit will change, and we'll shift again, and again, and again....for reasons beyond me, our relationship runs the whole spectrum of relationships, friends, more than friends, LESS than friends, and wanders into hating each other (or thinking we hate each other) from time to time. And we'll unload a nice pile of venom on the other person, admittedly I do this more frequently than he but his are far more hurtful, then we'll be like "you fucking asshole I fucking need you" and we're back to our dance again. I should be miserable, this should feel like an unhealthy relationship, I shouldn't accept this, I know the thoughts that cross others' minds when I explain this.

This is the best relationship, as far as making me happy, being shitloads of fun and what I need, I've ever had. Two REALLY alpha people interacting is intense in a lot of ways. I fucking need that asshole, and I will never ever explain it to where it makes sense to anyone. Neither can he. But he knows he needs THIS asshole too. :)

~A.