Primordial Chaos

Craig David song. I really should just make you google these.

I'm actually posting this here because the few people I dared to try to talk to about it gave me attitude. I'm concerned, and they're too bitter or whatever to see it as that. I'm not bragging about this. I'm seriously starting to worry.

So, I've lost about 100 pounds in 9 months. Go me. I've been running large amounts, about 40-50 miles a week. I've created a fucking monster. See, now I can't seem to STOP losing weight. I'm going to dip under 150 here pretty soon. People are giving me shit about "oh POOR you, what a terrible problem to have" and shit like that. To those people: Fuck you.

I've been to the doctor, everything is fine beyond a vitamin B deficiency. Even the doc gave me attitude about this. I don't have worms as my mother thought (*rolls eyes*), there's nothing medically wrong with me.

Now, here's the part that's getting to me. I'm eating 4,000 calories a DAY. And losing weight. When I was losing weight I wanted to, I kept myself at about 1500 a day. I keep having to increase that to find a level where the loss stops. That's also a lot of fucking food, most of which I make myself eat unwillingly, I don't like eating in large amounts, I'm used to the 1500 I kept with for so long. My metabolism is now out of fucking control.

I DON'T have an eating disorder, not bulimic and not anorexic. I'm assuming it's because I'm a shit ton of muscle (have you seen my legs? yeah) but I don't LIKE this. I'm going to stop running for a few weeks to see if I can get this under control. Which kills me because I'm addicted to and love running now, but I don't wanna waste away into nothing! I like curves thank you very fucking much. I also don't want to have to binge eat just to KEEP a weight I'm happy with.

There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. For those of you who have some snarky sarcastic comment to say, I DARE you to say it to my face. Refer back to me being a shit ton of muscle. :) I never EVER wanted to be some size 0 twig, it was never about looking like some celebrity or whatever. The only thing my losing weight had to do with self image was I wanted to look as strong as I felt. Super skinny isn't strong, it's helpless. I'm not helpless, I'm badass.

So my plan is to be lazy and eat a shit load of junk. I'm kinda laughing that's my plan of attack. Being fucking lazy. The less I do, the more my metabolism will slow down is the logic behind it. But that I'm announcing that I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food like I'm proud of it and that it's a great solution has me laughing. What's my best idea? Being lazy and eating junk food. Think of other situations and if someone said that was their plan:
"How are we going to get out of this jail cell?" "I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food"
"What's your best method for world peace?" "I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food"
"How are you going to get her to go to the dance with you?" "I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food"
"What will you do about the obesity epidemic?" "I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food"
 "How will you study for the final?" "I'm going to sit on my ass and eat junk food"

 Oh god I'm laughing so hard it hurts and I'm crying. If you don't find that so absurd it's funny you need to not be so serious. Life is ridiculous, just laugh at it. Laugh just because. Hell, make laughter an entire 20 minutes of a phone call, and the rest splattered with incessant giggles.

I wonder where I learned all that laughing from... :)

~A.