Primordial Chaos

I had two really great posts I was going to put up, the one I forgot to and an interesting train of thought from earlier today, but fuck it. When I have lots of really intense and close interactions with people like I have been recently and especially today, I get fucking sick of other people and withdraw pretty hard. Which is what's happening. I OD on other people pretty fast. I also get really sad and frustrated when it happens too. So I'm in a miserable mood and mindset, and will probably be rather reclusive until at least tomorrow morning. If my mood doesn't clear by the time I have to go to class, that will make my mood a million times worse and I'll probably lay low all day. So that's your heads up my mood sucks and currently the idea of other people sucks too. :(

Right now I really wish I was normal. REALLY REALLY WISH. I know because of my experience I've made it my cause, but sometimes the day to day mental struggles and bullshit take massive tolls on me. I pay heavily for what little normalcy is afforded to me. But no one close to me can really understand just how fucking horrible the price is. I constantly feel isolated, but I also NEED isolation while I don't WANT isolation. Confusing? Yeah, it's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through it. But that's exactly how it is.

Autism will always be my demon, and today I'm losing the fight and my will to fight. All I can do is cry softly while it chokes my mind and reminds me just how not normal and not like everyone else I am, and not in a necessarily good way. Tomorrow is another day and another battle.

Regardless of if I am winning the war, that doesn't make losing a battle any less upsetting. For me to question my own strength is probably my most tragic sin.

~A.